A\N: Enjoy!
Harry sighed as he sat in Defense against the Dark Arts. Life was relatively bad right now. There was war, divided sides, and the author was lazy when it came to introductions.
He looked at the instructor's desk; it was a rather unusual setup. There weren't any quills, just a large stack of parchment weighed down with a heavy stone tablet. The only other thing on the desk was a large box covered in a blanket. He was wondering what it contained when suddenly, the door opened. Harry was curious as to who the new professor was.
The teacher was wearing a white suit with gold chains dangling down. He had a beard, long hair, and expensive sunglasses.
"Good day, I'm Professor Christ, your new Defense against the Dark arts teacher." He gave a grin and flung his sunglasses down on his desk with force, breaking the 500$ lenses.
"Oops" he said, still grinning. "Guess I'll just have to… FIX IT!" He put his hand over the sunglasses, and without a wand, repaired them to perfect condition instantly. The class watched with awe.
"Anyway, yes, I'm, Professor Christ, but most you can just call me, 'Jay'." He pointed at the class with both his hands and snapped his fingers.
"Now, instead of doing all this fancy introduction stuff that you kids are into nowadays, I thought I'd cut to the chase. Anyway, you've all read my book, haven't you?" Jesus asked.
"Err… The Bible?", stuttered Ron.
"No, the Da Vinci Code!" he shouted mockingly. "Yeah, what he said. Now, time to get down to business."
Jesus kicked off his Gucci leather shoes and put his feet up on the desk. "Oh, I forgot." He started standing up again. "Did everyone wash their feet before they came in?" He pointed at a basin of soap water near the door. The class looked puzzled. None of them had washed their feet.
"You didn't?" said Jesus as he read their minds. "Well kids, that's what I like to call BLASPHEMY!" Jesus shot a bolt of fire at Neville, setting his desk on fire. "Naw, I'm just joshing. Just remember next time." He laughed as he extinguished the fire with a jet of ice. Jesus put his feet back on his desk again. He pointed and snapped his fingers at the class again.
"Now, let's get down to the straight dope. We all know the standard crap, and I don't want to repeat anything. These are troubled times we are in, and we need to discuss an urgent matter. A matter so urgent, I brought it here to school today." He pointed at a large box shrouded by cloth that was on his desk. "Anyone care to do the honors?" The class stared, not knowing what to do. "Alright, I'll do it." He pulled off the cover to reveal an incredibly attractive girl in the cage. She had an amazing face and chestnut brown eyes and silvery blond hair that rippled down like a magical stream of desire that radiated and entranced and…
"Hey, where's that voice coming from?" asked Dean Thomas. The voice was narrating all of the physical features of the girl.
"Ah, brilliant observational powers, my son. That voice you hear is coming from the creature itself. Anyone here know what it is?" asked Jesus as he did his pointy-snap thing yet again at the class. It reminded Harry of The Fonz.
"A Bogart, because Harry's gay and his worst enemy is the opposite sex?" asked Malfloy, Like in most Suefics, Malfloy tends to appear in classes out of place for no apparent reason in order to force him together with the intended character. At the same time he spits out immature insults, except it was different this time because the author was completely stumped when she tried to think of an insult to use other than 'mudblood'.
"Hey, screw you man!" yelled Harry in a style reminiscent of an American horror movie, except without going so far as to drop the F bomb because the author was 12 years old.
"Quiet down both of you! Come on, love thine enemies." Jesus said cooly.
"Wait a minute!" Malfloy shouted again. "I just realized where I am! I have a free period now, why am I in this class?" He was totally freaking out. "And why did the author just use American slang?" He totally freaked out some more.
Jesus smiled and said, "Ha, now we're getting somewhere! You're beginning to see the true power of this creature. But still nobody can name it? Come on, think of some of it's characteristics we've seen. Desire, beauty, narcissism…"
"Oh!" said Parvarti Patil. "A veela?"
"…the ability to teleport random characters to a completely OOC setting?", Jesus finished.
"Oh!" shouted Hermione. "Professor Christ, it's a Mary-Sue!"
Jesus grinned and snapped his fingers at the class again. "Yes, yes! That's so much better. Seven points to Gryffindor!" he paused. "Yep, Seven, 'cause I'm just awesome like that." He clicked his fingers again. No way, thought Harry. Even Fonzy doesn't click his fingers that much.
"Yes class, this is a picture-perfect example of a Mary-Sue. Now, Mary sues come in many varieties, but there are always easily identifiable characteristics that apply to most. What's another obvious one we haven't gone over yet?"
"Err…" said Neville. "Names?"
"Yes! Yes, yes, I knew you guys were smart. Indeed, the name is almost always a dead giveaway." He turned to the Mary-Sue in the cage, who was currently narrating about her raven black nails. "What's your name, dear?" he asked.
"Gazelle, professor Christ", she said timidly.
"Yes, Gazelle, that's a pretty common Sue name." Jesus picked up a scroll of parchment off of the stack on the desk, but it was stuck under the massive paperweight. He yanked at the parchment several times, but it didn't budge. Fed up, he picked up the large stone tablet above his head and threw it through the window.
"DAMN TEN COMMANDMENTS PAPERWEIGHT!", he yelled. The class stared at him, slightly frightened.
"Sorry." He said. "My dad got me this stupid paperweight for my birthday, all it does is get in my way. Anyway, we were discussing Sue names. Ah, let's see here" he said picking up the parchment. "I need my glasses. No wait, I don't, hah!" he pointed at his eyes. "The miracle of contacts." Jesus began to read off the list. "Sue names, here's a bunch, Destiny, Ebony, Chanel, Gazelle, Monelle, Romelle, Chantelle, Dontelle, Raven, Ravenblack, Esmerelda, Chezmerelda, Desmerelda, you get the general idea." He put the parchment back on the desk. Jesus continued.
"Mary-Sues also have hidden characteristics as well, powers if you will." He turned again to the caged Sue. "What's your specialty, sweetheart?" he asked.
"DON'T CALL ME THAT!" she screamed. All the glass in the room broke and thunder rolled in the distance and the sky turned red with rage and…
"Yeah, you get the idea there too." said Jesus. "Gazelle's power was just a general god power, anyone want to take a stab at why she took such offense when I called her sweetheart?"
Hermione raised her hand.
"Yes, you. Go ahead."
"It's because the author wrote her to have a ridiculously bad past. 'Sweetheart' was probably a term her dad used when she was beaten or abused otherwise. Pointlessly, of course."
"Well done!" said Jesus. "Another seven points. Let's see now, I think we've done well to cover defining characteristics, now we'll start to do self-defense against Mary-Sues…" Jesus was cut short by a knock at the door.
He opened the door, and it was Dumbledore, with an odd gleam in his eyes.
"Wait a minute", said Jesus. "You're dead, unless, oh no. Oh dear god no." Jesus looked behind him. There was a girl there with radiant raven black hair and radiant blue eyes that caught the light of all…
"I'd like to introduce a new American transfer student to this class", he said.