An Ocean of Tears
Three weeks ago I lost the love of my life. I would never hear her laughter or voice again and I was empty. Completely cold and a part of me thought that if I ignored it, it would all go away like some stupid nightmare. Life on the Garden went on as usual though, but I didn't want to be a part of it, not now, with her gone. In her funeral, I didn't cry. She never saw me cry and I didn't even show her the last honor by crying in her funeral. Two weeks later the Garden is having a party. The graduation ball for this years SeeD's. Today, it's exactly one years since I first laid my eyes on her and I haven't been able to take them off of her since. That is until three weeks ago.
The ball, the people, everything seemed so pointless now. I left the Garden and went down the road to Balamb. I wasn't going to Balamb though. I was going to a secret place only I knew. There was a beach I called Angel's Touch because more than one time it felt like an angel had touched my there. The only person I'd ever let come to Angel's Touch was Rinoa. She sat perfectly still and just watched the beauty of the night with me. She was truly my angel. Only once did I bring her there, oh how I wanted to spend my every minute alive there with her, but fate wanted it different. Why my angel? Why the one who truly understood me? I had no answer and I was through cursing everything around me. I had taken the pain inside me and I knew it would never leave. The stars shone brightly down at me and for the first time it felt like they were the ones needing comfort. But I was empty. I had no comfort to give. One of them blinked down at me and the tear in my eyes blinked back. I was here. Alone. Empty.
Angel's Touch was the same. I remember thinking: This is probably the only place that will never change no matter what, and then I saw her. A girl who looked exactly as lonely as I felt sat at my favorite place at Angel's Touch. I wanted to leave, but I couldn't. Even though this was my place and I would never bring another person here, I couldn't leave this sad shadow who sat staring at the sea as it was the only thing that she had left. Maybe maybe I was the one who needed someone to talk to, I don't know, but I walked over and sat down in the sand next to her. She didn't move, didn't look at me, just sat there. Like Rinoa had three weeks ago, but to me it felt like a million years.
"Don't you wish the stars could talk?"
I looked up at the sky. The stars had never seemed so bright before. The stars were probably the oldest things on this planet. The things they had seen, the prayers, the pain. They knew it all. And compared to them, what were we?
"No. They have seen to much pain."
"But they have seen joy too. And love. And freedom."
I said nothing. There was nothing left to say. And I didn't care. A soft sea breeze stroke over us and I closed my eyes and smelt it. It smelt like new hopes, a new beginning. If I dared to take the first step. Alone.
"I come here to think sometimes. Recently, I've been here a lot."
Her voice was sad. Like she too had been going through some changes lately. Changes that meant nothing would be the same again. Ever.
"I call it Angel's Touch."
"What?"
She turned her head and looked at me. I didn't recognize her at first, then Xu!
"This place. That's what I call it."
"Hmm" She looked dreamily out at the ocean again. "Angel's Touch that's a nice name."
"Actually I thought about calling it Where Friend's Meet' until I realized I don't have any friends." It was meant as a joke, but when I said it out load, I realized how true it was and my voice was shaking as I finished. Luckily, Xu understood and her laughter was as clear as church bells. As it died out she sighed, and went back to looking at the ocean. She seemed so deep into her thoughts and I wouldn't interrupt her.
"It's funny how things always seems to get back to normal, even if everything changes." She finally said. I followed a wave with my eyes and as it washed over land and disappeared, I closed them. How could she know exactly what I felt? She read my mind and took my unfinished thoughts and said them out load in perfectly formed sentences.
"Just look at the ocean. On the surface it's the same as it has been for centuries, but underneath it's constantly changing for never to become the same again."
""
"Who are you, Squall?"
I didn't want to answer. I had heard that question so many times.
" Why do you care?"
"Because just like you I have lost the one I loved. And just like you I kept it all inside."
Then I noticed she had a paper in her hands.
"'To him who loved me dearly'?"
She hid the paper before I could read the rest.
"It's a poem. It's all I have left."
I turned away. How little I knew about the life of the other Garden members.
"I brought it here today because" Her voice died out a little, but she continued. " Because I need to say goodbye. For good this time."
" Who was he?" I had a feeling Xu needed to talk about this, but I couldn't her story so much like mine but different.
"My best friend. My love."
She smiled at the memories, but the smile cracked and tears came into her eyes.
"Read the poem. Maybe it will help me understand if someone else read it."
She handed me the paper. I accepted it like I was given the greatest treasure, and it probably was too. To Xu.
To him who loved my dearly'
I'm saying goodbye though
I never said hello
Our ways must part though
they never really met
Once upon a time you took my hand
now I have to let it go
If love was my sun
I'm standing in darkness
Lost and alone
confused little child
Let love be your guide
"I'm it was nice, but" I didn't understand. Why had she showed it to me, and if the poem said what I thought, Xu had never been with him and still grieved?
"We were we were never together. He loved me, I know that. But I I never dared taking the step. I was afraid of getting hurt." She laughed a ironic hard laughter. "Look where that brought me."
"But you loved him nevertheless?"
"Yes," she whispered.
A love unknown? No, they had loved each other, but time ran out before they were ready to admit it. At least I had known Rinoa and I shared a love deeper than anything I had ever known or felt. And now all I was left with was the knowledge of a love, but Xu didn't even have that.
""
Squall?"
"Yeah."
"Don't feel sorry for me. I'm past that. Your loss is worse than mine, and"
I broke her off.
"No, I needed to hear this. I realize now there are persons out there with pain too. I never cared about that and maybe people need each other to survive. I think"
"Yes?"
"I think Rinoa tried to show me that all along. I thought I never needed anyone, but I end up relaying on others after all I always have. First Ellone, then matron Edea, then the Garden, my friends and finally Rinoa. I've always thought I was alone, but I was wrong."
"I think it all comes down to love, Squall. You've been blessed."
I smiled or tried, and it was for the first time since since Rinoa died.
"Rinoa's dead. She's not coming back, is she?"
Xu gently shook her head.
"Neither is Robin."
"His name was Robin?"
She nodded.
"Robin Red. We used to tease him about it all the time" She broke into tears and I let her cry. The minutes turned into hours and still, sitting here was the only thing that seemed right.
"Look! The sun." Xu suddenly said, pointing out over the open sea. I looked up too. The most wonderful sunrise was being played out in front of our eyes. The night was over, but it was still a dull darkness over the place we sat.
"There's one thing I have to do before the new day comes" Xu got up and walk down to the waterside. She bent down and laid something in the water. I heard her whisper Good bye, Robin'. She stood a while and watch the ocean, before turning around and walking up to me again.
"What was that?" I asked.
"My final goodbye."
I saw a piece of paper in the waves, it was floating further and further away.
"Your poem!"
"Yes."
"But it was why didn't you keep it? It was beautiful."
"I didn't need it written down. I'll keep it as a memory. Just like Robin."
"A memory But I'm not I'm not ready to let Rinoa become just a memory. Not yet."
"Of course you're not. It took me a whole year."
I closed my eyes. The soft morning breeze came over us. Once again it felt like we were the only two people alive. Two people with two broken hearts.
"The party's probably over by now. We should get back."
""
Xu started walking up the hill. The last wave washed over the beach and covered the sand spot we used as a bench.
"Are you coming?"
The morning died out and became day. Another day without Rinoa.
"In a minute."
I could feel her eyes looking at me. She understood.
"I'll just go ahead, and maybe you'll catch up with me."
"" My voice was nothing but a whisper.
I watch the endless dance of the waves and wish I was a part of it. The pain is still fresh in my heart. Maybe it will never pass, but I learned something from Xu. Maybe there is such thing as a new beginning. And I felt something I never thought I'd feel again. Hope.
A/N: Okay, this is my contribute to the Squall/Xu contest. It didn't quite turn out like a romance cause when I started writing it I was bored with those lighthearted' love fics and I wanted to try something deeper. I don't know how good it is, but let me know if you either loved or hated it. If you want to be part of judging which Xu fic that was best, you have to read Marco's fic too, and then choose the one you liked the best. Then all there's left for me to do is wish us both good luck and a happy reading to all of you.