I'm sorry for this but it popped into my head when I was reading and I couldn't stop writing.
I truly am sorry if this upsets anyone, I cried when I was writing it so if anyone gets too upset I'm sorry :(
Dean was looking at him, smiling in a way that was pure joy and happiness that made all else faded in comparison. Of all of his Father's creations, this was by far the best and he didn't care if he was blaspheming. That was after the first and last time they had been together.
The memory was tainted now as he started to remember what had happened after, the Croatoan virus had spread and they were overrun. It was a fog of pain after that as he remembered falling, remembered choosing Dean and watching as Sam fell to Lucifer.
This was Hell, watching as Dean grew more and more closed off, even to him, even as he tried to make him remember what it had been like once for them, only to be pushed away in disgust. After that it was not pain that clouded him, it was anything he could find to make him forget the pain, first pills, then stronger, then people. He could see the guilt and regret in Dean but the purely human part of him-how he loathed it-told him Dean deserved it.
For the few minutes he would be sober, he would feel the love he once had for the righteous man return full force but dull it out when he realised it was without hope.
In this daze he was in now, this all seemed to pass through his mind in a second and it surely would have continued but he was shaken roughly, startling awake.
"Cas! Cas c'mon you son of a bitch! It's over. It's done. The goddamn Devil is dead. Wake up!" With a final slap to his face, he opened his eyes and green eyes came into focus.
"You gotta get up man! We won!" He could see the excited light in Dean's eyes but he couldn't find the strength to keep his own open and with a weary sigh, he gathered his strength and looked into his eyes with an intensity he had almost forgotten once had.
"Take a look around Dean, we haven't won. These people are all dead, I'm bleeding out on the floor, in what way does this mean we have won?" Castiel watched as the light fled Dean's eyes as he took in the state of the man he was holding.
"Shit Cas, I didn't- I can't-" he watched as Dean choked off a sob and met his eyes again, overwhelming grief was the only thing Castiel could see.
"No you can't. We won, it's over, we could finally get back to- you're not supposed to-" At this Dean became an incoherent mess of tears.
"I'm sorry Dean." He could feel his organs shutting down.
"No, I can't-" He just managed to make this out before his legs went numb.
Dean scrubbed at his face with his sleeve and just looked at Castiel brokenly, he took a deep breath, "I cannot do this without you Cas. I saved the world, I had to kill my own brother and to have you with me, by my side was going to be my consolation. You cannot do this to me because if you do, I have nothing. You were it Cas, for me, you always have been. Please, don't leave me. I can't live without you Cas." Dean's voice broke and Castiel watched as silent tears fell down his face.
"I'm sorry Dean." This time it was in the voice of Castiel, Angel of The Lord, a deep smokey rasp that made a sob catch in Dean's throat. In his last moments, it seems he has been granted clarity and all he could do was speak the truth while he lay dying in the arms of the man he had saved.
"I'm sorry for everything I couldn't do, I'm sorry I left you alone when you needed me most even when you pushed me away. I'm sorry I couldn't save Sam. I'm sorry I ever met you because this wouldn't have happened otherwise. But Dean, I'm sorry for this, I'm sorry for not apologising about loving you because that is all I had while I fell and I still hang onto it now-" A rasping cough interrupted his monologue and he knew his lungs were giving up.
"Cas, it's not fair."
"I know." The words passed him lips on his last breath and he could feel the rest of him shutting down, the last thing he sees, the broken shell of a man curled over his body crying as his soul is led away by Death itself to be judged.
Death shook his head in sorrow at the sight and for the first time in his long, long existence, he wished he could break his own laws.
There was nothing, the body beneath wasn't moving, breathing, anything. He was dead. Dean didn't realise he was rocking and sobbing and whispering, "I love you, I'm so sorry, forgive me, bring him back."
He could have sat there for days or hours or months wallowing in his grief for all he was aware. The body had gone cold and there was a permanent smell of death in the air as he sat there staring into space.
Dean had pushed him away to protect himself, he had thought that if he didn't let anyone get too close to him, the angels wouldn't have anyone left to use against him. Then he had started to deviate, the pills and the drugs and the women (and men and didn't that sting) and there was nothing Dean could do. He had thought that he had stopped caring for him when he had had to make the choice between him and heaven, the guilt suffocated him at times so he pushed the only person he had ever loved, like that, away...and now he was dead...because Dean had thought there was no love there anymore...because he wanted, for one last time to feel like he meant something to him like he trusted him to get them out alive.
Time passed and Dean forced himself from the floor and away from the body with determination, he didn't know where Ca- he was but it didn't matter, after the things he had done since Sam had given in, he deserved to go back to Hell. It didn't matter that he was already in a Hell of his own making, he couldn't stand being in a world that they weren't, his family. Maybe Hell would help him forget. Maybe not. Anything was better than this.
So he took up a shovel and dug graves for all of the people that had fallen under his orders with the exception of Sam and him. No, they deserved better, so he gave them the hunters funeral they deserved and there was no one there to see his tears fall.
He stood by their pyres, with the colt in his hand.
He put a hand to the ashes and said, 'I love you and I'm sorry'
He took a deep breath and thought of the people he had lost.
He took the bullet from his pocket and loaded the gun.
He looked up to the sky where he knew his angel and family had earned a place,
And he looked to the ground, in sorrow, for they would be a world away.
He raised the colt to his temple as a tear threatened to fall.
He pulled the trigger and ended it all...
Death knew it had been coming, the moment he had reaped the fallen angel, he knew the righteous man would follow soon. He took the once bright soul in his arms and even he had to falter at the pure sorrow and despair tainting the soul. He could not leave Earth quick enough.
"This is how it must be then?"
"Yes. The Earth is lost. Hell is sealed. It is time to start over."
"If you are sure?"
"Do not question me, this will be the last thing you do so for the last time, make me proud."
"That's all I ever wanted to do."
He had been called out of a memory of sitting with the Winchesters in the Impala to the garden where Joshua waited for him. He did not fear for the memory of Dean was fresh in his mind.
"Castiel." He expected rage, hatred, disgust but he didn't care, he was truly broken.
"Castiel, God has work for you." Joshua smiled at him in what was probably meant to be a comforting way but he could only see red. God had abandoned them when they needed him most, just because he was back in heaven, did not mean he was a hammer once more.
"Listen before you judge. The Croatoan virus has taken the world, even with Lucifer defeated. Michael and Raphael are dead for being disloyal to our Father. The world has been wiped clean of the demon taint and the souls in Heaven are to live again and inhabit the Earth. God is not leaving this time but he needs angels that are faithful to protect the world, there are still evil things out there."
The anger was gone but now there was just sadness, he would be sent back to Earth to live out a human life without Dean, maybe this was his punishment for rebelling against Heaven.
"You misunderstand Castiel, you are to be one of the guardians, an archangel of the highest order and God's second. There are others also that will ascend to grace, humans with pure souls." His mind wanders as he remembers how bright Dean's soul had been once.
"Among them are people you must surely know, to be your second, Sam Winchester. Your third, John Winchester. Others include, Mary Winchester, Joanna Beth Harvelle, Ellen Harvelle, Bill Harvelle, Jessica Blake, Bobby Singer. We thought you would be content with this Castiel, are you not?"
The thought of seeing all those faces, especially Sam, and having to say that he failed Dean, he could not, he wouldn't so he shook his head and stepped away.
"It must be you Castiel, to lead the new Heaven, the only angel God trusts with his creations."
"Why?"
"Because you are pure and you are loyal. He does not ask for more."
He will do this because it is what his Father asks but once the opportunity becomes available, he will vacate his place and disappear.
"Alright." At once a silvery light envelopes him and he feels power like never before flowing through his veins, once the transformation is over, he spreads his new wings and feels the thrum of power at his fingertips.
"There is one more thing, before you go see God Castiel. It has been decided that power like your's cannot be left on it's own, just in case, so we have created an equal to you, someone for you to rule alongside. We think we made a good choice, even if they do need a bit of training." With that Joshua snapped his fingers with a knowing smile and for the first time in a while, Castiel felt confused.
8 angels appeared before, each exuding a soft light except for the 2 at the back, for a moment they looked majestic but then the biggest at the back stumbled forward and fell. Something pulled at him, he recognised these different graces, however, he had known them as souls.
There was a grace there that shone brighter than the others and he would have recognised it anywhere, in a sudden flurry of feathers, he vaulted forwards to stand straight infront of the new group and he took in the faces. It was the one furthest the back that had Castiel's mark on his grace but he was on here floor, clearly struggling under the weight of his new wings.
He couldn't believe it, the other seven angels which he recognised as Mary, John, Jo, Ellen, Bobby, Sam and Jess parted for him and sent pulses of warmth to him which he returned, a more in depth greeting would have to wait, he felt the loss of their grace as they all flew, leaving him and the other angel alone in the garden.
Castiel stepped forwards and as gently as he could, ran the tip of his wing along the curve of the great eagle wings before him, the other angel drew in a shocked breath and looked up slowly from the cover of his, frankly huge, wings. One minute he had been standing, the next he was sat on the ground wrapped in the angels wings and arms, he curled his own tightly against the others back and felt tears sting at the backs of his eyes.
"Cas-my Cas-you're here-I love you so much Cas-please-" He gently pulled away from the shivering angel in his arms and ignored the sound of pure desperation that was pulled from the fledgling. He pulled his arms free and cupped the sobbing man's face with them, wiping away the fallen tears.
"Dean" It conveyed everything he needed to say and he crashed his lips to Dean's, savouring the sounds of happiness he was making. He peppered Dean's face with kisses as the other continued to cry and he just murmured 'I love you' over and over until he stopped.
Dean, looking more composed, not ashamed at all just smiled at him brightly before covering Castiel in his wings again.
They stayed that way for a long time, murmuring endearments and apologies for everything that had gone wrong with them before. They eventually ventured out of the garden to see the Earth and their garrison but they never strayed far from one another and if a few day later, Castiel had a matching handprint embedded into his grace, no one said a word because they knew they couldn't be without each other after losing each other so many times before.
They stood by the old pyres, hand in hand.
They each put a hand on the ashes as one says, 'I love you' and the other says, 'I'm sorry I left you'
They each took a deep breath and remembered what they had got back
They each took their rings and said their vows
One looked to the sky thinking of his family watching,
One looked to the ground vowing silently that his mate would never see Hell again
They raised their hands together in the air
And clasped them together, married with a prayer.
Review if you want, let me know if you cried or if I'm just a very sensitive person :)
For anyone that reads my other fic Abomination, an update is coming soon I promise, I have just been swamped with mock exams so I'm sorry :(