But it's been a long, long time
And I've got a good life now, I moved on
So when you cross my mind
The war was over.
You know, I dreamed of those words for so long. The day would come, I knew, when I wouldn't have to fight anymore. I wasn't sure if I'd actually live to see it, I mean, I knew that it was possible I'd die.
But at least I wouldn't have to fight.
Do I sound like a coward? I guess the others thought so. Once Rachel told me that I made them feel immoral. Well, actually, I think she told everyone. But I could be wrong on that. My memory of that is clouded, mostly purposefully. I never think about it if I can help it.
Memory is a curse.
My name is Cassie.
I could tell you my last name, now, I suppose. But why bother? What's the point?
I don't have to lie anymore. But it's become a bit of a habit. I try to break it, but they say that the years when you're young are the most influential.
I grew up too fast. Experienced too many changes.
There were two other big changes - I mean, besides the war - in my life.
One was when I met Jake. Okay, not when I met him, but when we became "official."
Maybe I thought that when we were "official" there would be less chance of me ever losing him. Or maybe I never thought I ever could. We were just one of those "accepted" couples. You know, together now, together forever. That was just the way it was.
Anyway.
The second change was when we broke up.
It shocked everyone, but not as much as it once would have. We'd kind of been falling apart for a long time. I was the super-moral one. He was the general. War was a computer game for him, as I once told him. Risks and losses are just virtual. One goal.
For me, every fight was one big sentient carnage.
I guess neither of us could take it anymore. So we broke up.
I didn't see him again, after the war, for a long, long time.
I try not to think about what might have been
Cause that was then
And we have taken different roads
We can't go back again
There's no use givin' in
And there's no way to know
What might have been My mom's older now, and she doesn't work at the Gardens anymore. There's a new head vet: me.
I think everyone saw that coming.
Rachel wasn't a bit surprised when I got the job.
The others wouldn't have been surprised if they were here. But Ax was back on his home world, or in some other part of space fighting some other war, one that I'd never be a part of. Marco had moved away, gotten married. Tobias (now a human nothlit) and Rachel were engaged, but Tobias's job had taken him away for a year or so.
His job?
He's in the Army.
How ironic.
I would have expected Jake to be in the Army. And he could have been, for all I knew.
Rachel worried about Tobias. She worried a lot. I don't blame her. Sometimes I still worry about Jake.
Which is stupid.
Rachel and I don't talk much anymore. She's still the killing machine inside, I think. She's trying to get over it. She's repeatedly refused therapy when I suggested it. Her new friends, especially Tammy and Melissa, support her in that. She needs them now to keep her sane. Like she used to need me.
We're not best friends anymore. I wonder how far down I rank on her list of friends. Probably pretty far.
Looking back on my life, I sometimes get depressed.
You know, I saw what would have happened if we hadn't met Elfangor. Parallel reality type thing, back from when we still fought the war. When we were just teenagers.
It wasn't a great reality.
But this isn't either.
We did what we had to do. That's good, I guess.
We didn't quit.
It destroyed us and saved humanity, and I could go on about the tragedy of it all for years. I think I have, in my mind. But it's over.
We could sit and talk about this all night long
And wonder why we didn't last
Those days might be the best days we will ever know
But we will have to leave them in the past The Gardens has a huge preserve for the tigers now. It's not even a habitat, really. It's too big. We call it a preserve.
We got quite a lot of luck recently. A lot of people support us. Plus, some of the only buildings bordering us shut down. We had the money and resources to take advantage of that, so we did.
Tigers remind me of the war.
They remind me of Jake.
All our animals were in good health. I had the day off. There was another vet on duty.
I could have gone home. I probably should have.
I strolled down there.
Every once and a while I'd just like to crack under the emotional strain. But I don't. I flatter myself that the stupid war made me stronger.
I'm determined to salvage something from that war.
The funny thing is that the world still doesn't know what we did. Most of them don't, anyway. The ex-Controllers keep quiet about it.
They probably like remembering about as much as I do.
The tigers were lounging in the sun. There were a few clouds in the sky, but they were barely on the horizon and it would be a long time before the predicted storm reached us.
One tiger, a male, drank deeply from the water. A few others, further up the hill, watched intently. What were they watching? Don't ask me.
The tiger finished drinking and nuzzled its mate.
I swallowed hard and looked away.
So try not to think about what might have been
Cause that was then
And we have taken different roads
We can't go back again
There's no use givin' in
And there's no way to know
What might have been
"They're beautiful, aren't they?" a voice said from beside me.
Startled, I jerked backwards.
The first thought that popped into my mind was "Yeerks! Run!"
Shows you that maybe Marco, or was it Rachel, was right: This war was going to drive us nutty.
I turned, gaining control of myself.
"Jake?" I said with a shocked look. "What are you doing here?"
He looked at me for a long moment during which I wondered what was going on, why he was there, and why he hadn't said anything yet, and then he smiled and confirmed my worst fear. "Cassie? I didn't recognize you."
"Oh." Just what I needed to hear.
"So, how have you been?"
I shrugged. "Pretty good, considering."
"The war still bothers you, huh?"
"Yeah. Not that it would be a problem for you."
"It bothers all of us, Cassie."
"What, you've kept in touch with everyone?" I challenged, wondering how this chance meeting had suddenly turned so...unpleasant. Not how I'd pictured it at all. But real life is rarely a fairy tale.
"Mostly. Not Tobias, since he left for wherever it is he went, or Ax. But Marco and Rachel, yeah."
"I see Rachel sometimes."
"You two aren't that close anymore, are you?"
"Of course not. The killing machine and the tree-hugger don't get along too well together," I said with a little laugh.
"Cassie, Rachel doesn't get along with anyone now."
"She gets along fine with Tammy and Melissa."
He shrugged. "Them, maybe, but no one else. Tobias writes her once in a while, though, I think."
But you didn't ever write me. Do you know how much I've missed you? How much I've hated you? How much I've loved you? How much I've wished that we'd never met at all but wondered what I'd be like, where I'd be, if we hadn't?
"Why didn't you ever write me?"
I regretted the words the instant they were out of my mouth. Duh, Cassie, because you and he are through. Because he doesn't want to talk to you. Because he doesn't want to write you.
He shrugged again. "I didn't think you'd want to hear from me."
That had been true, at times. Once I'd taken a picture I had of him, ripped it up, and thrown the pieces in the trash. He'd hurt me. The war had hurt me. Rachel had hurt me. Everyone had hurt me.
But when I thought of the times I'd been hurt, our short little relationship always headed the list.
"Besides," he said with a wry grin, "I figured you had found someone else by now."
He took my hand in his. "Cassie, I'm sor -"
I yanked it away. "Hey, nice meeting you, but I've gotta go."
The same old look in your eyes
It's a beautiful night
I'm so tempted to stay
But too much time has gone by
We should just say goodbye
And turn and walk away
He looked hurt by my instant changing of the subject. "I'm sorry. Could we talk sometime? I could call you..."
"You don't have to do this because you feel sorry for me," I said, in a tone somewhere between harsh and sad.
"I don't - I mean, I'm not just saying it because I'm sorry for you. Man, Cassie, I've missed you. You won't ever know how much."
"Look, I've missed you too. But...we can't just go on wondering what might have been," I said, mentally congratulating myself on putting it so well. "We have to move on, Jake."
"Why? Why can't we even talk about it?"
He reminded me so much of his old self. I had loved him then.
Did I still?
I'd missed him, sure, but did I love him?
"Look. I'll call you tonight. Let's at least talk it out."
"Why? Because we just want to be our old selves again? Because we want to be those teenagers who cared about each other?"
"I do still care about you, Cassie."
He still had that tired look in his eyes. The look of having seen too much. Of having made too many decisions.
There was a time when I would have impulsively told him that I was proud of him, that he'd done the right thing, and that he'd won with no casualties to us. I wanted to tell him that now.
But someday, sometime, I had to move on.
I couldn't go on thinking about the world of might-have-been's. I was an adult. Not the little naïve girl I used to be. Not the girl who, I admitted to myself, I wished I could have stayed.
"I'll see you later," he said finally. Disappointment was evident.
Don't leave, Jake, a part of me I thought I'd left behind cried. Not now. Not when I've just found you again. Please...
"I'd like that," I found myself saying. Then I turned and walked away, barely seeing the slight smile that he allowed.
Try not to think about what might have been
Cause that was then
And we have taken different roads
We can't go back again
There's no use givin' in
And there's no way to know
What might have been
I fell on my bed in my apartment.
I'll see you later kept repeating itself in my mind. It brought a tiny smile to my face.
BRIIIIINNNNNNNNGGGGGGG!
"Ah! Jeez, I thought I turned that ringer down!"
BRIIIIINNNNNNNNGGGGGGG!
"All right, all right," I muttered into my pillow. I turned over and lifted the receiver.
Maybe it was Jake. I kind of hoped it was and I kind of hoped it wasn't.
I couldn't handle it right now. I just couldn't.
"Hello? Helloooo?" the voice on the other end said.
I realized that I'd picked it up and not said a thing. I snapped back to my senses. "Yeah, hi, who is this?"
"It's Rachel."
"Rachel?" I said blankly.
"Yeah. Rachel."
"Oh! Hi!" My brain finally connected. I sat up. "What's up?"
A call from Rachel always made me feel good. They were kind of rare, and when she did call, I found myself wishing that we could have just one more shopping trip together...one more reaming-out from her over what I wore. It'd have been nice.
"Guess what!" she said excitedly. I hadn't heard her this excited since she'd told me she and Tobias were engaged.
"I couldn't possibly."
She laughed. I stared at the phone in amazement. I hadn't heard her laugh, genuinely, for ages.
"Tobias just got back today!"
How ironic. The day I met Jake...
It worked for them. Why not for us?
"Cassie? Are you still there?"
I got control of myself again. For a moment I'd had an almost irrepressible urge to fall back and cry hysterically.
"Sorry. I'm here. And that is so cool!"
The last part of the sentence felt fake, forced. But Rachel had called me because I was - had been? - her friend. So I had to be happy for her.
"Have you seen him yet?"
"He just called. I had to tell you! Oh, yeah, and there's this dinner that I told you about at my company tonight" - in my brain it registered that her law firm was having a dinner for the employees - "and I have to go buy a dress. I wondered," hesitantly, "if you wanted to come."
It hit me hard then. Maybe I'd drawn back into myself. Maybe Rachel hadn't moved away from me, but I'd moved away from her.
Maybe.
"Tonight?" I said through the fog in my brain. "Umm...I think I'm free."
Suddenly, I didn't want to go to the mall. No. I didn't want to shop. I had wanted to see Rachel, but at the moment, I just...
"Hey, I'll call you back in a moment. I'm not sure if I can make it. Call you in a moment," I repeated.
"Okay."
Click.
I threw myself back on the bed, facedown in the pillow, and cried.
And cried.
I hadn't cried since the war had ended. I think I needed to.
Eventually, I called Rachel back and told her I'd go. She sounded pleased. I wondered if Tammy and Melissa were coming, but had an absurd hope that they weren't. I was looking forward to seeing Rachel again. It had been ages since I'd done anything more than chat with her once a month on the phone.
Maybe she'd pull out of her little depression, now that Tobias was back.
Rachel, as always, found the perfect dress. And she, of course, insisted on me buying something for myself.
So I did. I found a dress a lot like the one I'd worn to a dance with Jake a long, long time ago.
Then I got home, hung it up in my closet, closed it, and opened my bureau drawer.
I hadn't destroyed both of Jake's pictures. I'd only destroyed one. And it had been my favorite, once.
I picked up the other one. It was of him and me at the dance back when Ax had gotten sick. Rachel had apparently snapped it when I wasn't looking. And even though I'd blushed horribly when I saw it, I'd been pleased.
I looked at it for a long, long moment, then put it back.
No, we'll never know
What might have been
The song is "What Might Have Been" by Little Texas. Please review. I love reviews. I live for reviews - okay, I'm rambling. I apologize. Just review, k?
MSN: cnalintre@hotmail.com
AIM: kat x86
Y!Mess: xilakat