I don't own Ranma or its characters and make no profit from writing these stories.
This story was pretty much written for my own amusement, it was going through my head, so I jotted it down and liked it enough that I decided to publish it here. The background story is pretty much that I don't like sports, but seem to be surrounded by people optimistic about the Toronto Maple Leafs; they haven't won the cup since 1967. I actually asked one why the Leafs were so dreadful and they explained that the team makes a habit of trading away its most promising players as the they sell seats regardless in our own stadium, just for being who they are; um okay. Therefore when these hapless fans/friends post about the Leafs on facebook, my husband and I find those "go sports or sports harder" type pictures to tease them with. This story is loosely based on not understanding a sport. The title is based on the Leafs song and their signature of Go Leafs Go.
Wow long intro. Hope you get a chuckle out of this at least-Sid
Everyone sat in the stands, bored as they watched Kuno drill his men during Kendo practice. "Why we have to watch Rich Boy train? We should have met him at restaurant" Shampoo complained.
"It's good to show moral support for fellow martial artists" Akane said.
"And getting a free meal at a fancy restaurant doesn't hurt" Nabiki added.
"This martial arts? All I see is bunch of boys carrying stupid stick around like Kuno. Now I see why he always carry that thing" Shampoo said.
"Why did you think my brother carried it for?" Kodachi asked the purple-haired Chinese girl.
Shampoo frowned, trying to remember the Japanese words for what she wanted to say. "I not know how to say it properly" she explained.
"Say it in Mandarin and I shall translate it for you" Mousse encouraged her and she whispered them in his ear and he actually started giggling.
"She said that the reason why Kuno always carries that wooden thing with him is to compensate for him having a small penis" Mousse explained, wiping a tear of laughter from his eye as Shampoo giggled too.
"That is completely untrue" Kuno snapped as he and his men just happened to be in front of them to overhear what Mousse said. Kuno's face was flame red at the insult to his manhood and some of his men were struggling not to laugh. "In fact; I'm larger than average, I'll have you know" he intoned and then recognized with horror the people sitting behind the tittering Amazons. "Hello Kodachi, Akane Tendo, Nabiki Tendo and Ranma Soatome" he stammered and bowed, "I'm sorry to be discussing so delicate a topic in your presence."
"Would that be Asian average or Caucasian?" Shampoo asked sweetly.
"Yes and would that by inches or by traditional centimeters, Kuno Baby?" Nabiki asked.
"Brother dear, do not answer those questions in my presence" Kodachi requested with a shudder.
"This is not a fit topic for now...or anywhere I can think of for that matter. Might I ask what you are all doing here?" he asked them.
"You invited us to dinner" Nabiki explained.
"I invited Akane and the Pigtailed Girl to dinner, but I do know of everyone's tendency to invite themselves along to events I plan with my ladies and shall cover the expense for all of you" Kuno replied.
"Dad, Kasumi and Mr. Saotome shall be joining us there" Akane explained.
"Of course they will" Kuno spat out through clenched teeth.
"So is this really a form of martial arts?" Shampoo asked him, waving at his bokken.
"It is the noble art of Samurai fencing" Kuno explained to her.
"Seems kind of stupid to Shampoo."
"Stupid?" How dare you!" Kuno cried and then gasped in outrage as she just grabbed his bokken from him and examined it.
"Give that back" he demanded at his men tittered how easily he had been disarmed by the petite purple-haired girl.
"See now you no able to fight because stick gone. What the point of that? Stick suddenly break or catch on fire and you fucked. You should learn hand to hand as well" she said, tossing it to Mousse and laughed when Mousse held it in front of his groin.
""Do not make fun of my sword" he objected when even Kodachi started to snicker at Mousse's antics as he pretended to stroke it.
"Don't worry Kuno Baby, you'll have your future girlfriend for that" Nabiki said.
"I hate you Nabiki Tendo" he said as he blushed again.
"Perhaps there is something to this overcompensation theory after all?" Ranma remarked.
"Here you fight Shampoo" she suggested," without stick though"
"I am trained in hand to hand combat as well, I am perhaps a tad rusty, but once you learn techniques, you never forget them" Kuno said, glaring down at her.
"Fine, enough talk, you fight. Don't worry I take it easy on you" she assured him and his own men tittered at this; taking her stance.
His face was flaming as his men snickered as they looked down at the petite woman in her cheongsam, challenging him...and then back up at him. "Fine" he said stepping forward and taking his stance. She whirled around like an aerial ballerina in front of him, dodging each of his blows easily and a couple of punches and a kick from her...and he was down and she landed lightly beside his prone body.
"See? Your martial arts stupid" she said helping him up, "now take stick back before real martial artist come by and hurt you" she said and everyone clapped. "In my tribe man with such weak fighting skills are given to mentally challenged Amazon women for husband" she chided.
"There is nothing wrong with my fighting skills" he cried.
"What Shampoo said is true" Mousse concurred.
"You were defeated by an itty bitty girl?" his teammate asked him.
"She's not any ordinary girl, she's a highly skilled Chinese martial artist; she's practically royalty where she's from" Kuno snapped in an exasperated sounding voice and Shampoo glowed at this, "now let's get back to practice."
"Shampoo you shouldn't tease my brother like that; he's very serious about Kendo and proud to be a master of it" Kodachi chided her. "Though that was damned funny" she added.
"Kendo is all about the thrust and parry" Akane explained.
"Thrust huh?" Shampoo said with a laugh and smiled an evil smile as she watched Kuno sparring against a teammate.
"Hey Rich Boy, shouldn't you buy him dinner before you use your mighty weapon on him?" she called to him?"Too bad you no have any cute Kendo girls on team you can really use it on."
"I can do better than that" Nabiki, getting into heckling mode and started loudly making sex noises whenever Kuno struck his opponent and adding," ummmmm, oh yeah, right there, harder, deeper Kuno Baby" once in a while and pretended to orgasm loudly when Kuno disarmed the other boy. To say that Kuno wasn't being distracted by them poking fun at him would have been a lie, he was almost glowing under his face shield as he wished a violent death on all but Akane.
"Would you people quit mocking me!" he yelled at them in frustration.
"Why not, can't you take laughter at your mighty sword?" Ranma asked him in an innocent sounding voice and Kuno blushed again when even his own sister joined in as they laughed at him.
So it went on from there; bets being placed on how large his penis actually was, lewd jokes and cracks about his bokken and what he did with it behind closed doors; until even his own men seemed distracted and casting glances at his groin as if to ascertain whether his tormenters were correct or not.
"Hiro, kindly go ask them to leave" he ordered his second in command.
"Kuno asks that you all leave" Hiro requested of them.
"Do you know who I am, peasant?" Kodachi said, standing up and glaring at him.
"No" was his reply.
"I am Kodachi Kuno and we were invited here as Tatewaki's guests and as result, we shall only depart when he comes to escort us to the restaurant. Tell him to mind his manners, I know precisely the age that he stopped wetting his bed and am fully prepared to divulge that information if he persists in being rude" she said in a haughty sounding voice.
"I think I starting to like Rich Girl" Shampoo said with a laugh and shared a smile with Kodachi.
This is information was whispered to Kuno, who seemed to turn pale at this idea when he removed his shield and he whispered something back.
Hiro returned, "he said you can stay, but would prefer if the two Chinese people leave and meet him at the restaurant.
"Why is he racist against Chinese people?" Mousse demanded.
"That's discrimination! Are you racist Kuno?" Akane demanded and glared at him, along with everyone else and Kuno could only blanched at the angry faces directed at him.
"Okay you all can stay but be quiet" he practically screamed as he loamed over them. Then gasped in outrage as Shampoo started stroking his bokken suggestively and said in a flirtatious voice "for big boy like you, Shampoo no say no."
"Just...leave" he practically begged her.
"But I no can leave, you know why" she said in a broken voice.
"W-why?" he stammered.
Shampoo produced a microphone and said, "such tragic tale, a year ago Shampoo was training and she was captured and brought to Japan to be held as sex slave and sold to Kuno to be his concubine." she explained in a broken voice and a tear ran down her cheek.
"You monster!" Hiro cried. "You are actually forcing this young girl to have sex with you against her will? What is she, fourteen?"
"W-what? she's lying" Kuno exclaimed.
"Yes but here is where it gets worse" Mousse intoned, taking the mike from Shampoo. "I came to Japan looking for my missing love and he threatened her life if I did not join her in her fate and become his concubine a well."
"I am not sleeping with a pair of Chinese Amazons and certainly don't own them!" Kuno shrieked. "Especially not the male! You have to believe me!" he cried looking around frantically at his men as they looked back at him skeptically; his reputation as a pervert well known by all. "I would never force anyone into my bed. They live at the Chinese restaurant called the Neko Hanten that is not far from here; go ask Cologne, her great-grandmother; she'll tell you the truth."Kodachi, help me out here!" he hissed at her. She stood over the two Chinese teenagers and said something harsh sounding in Mandarin and made menacing gestures towards them until they seemed to be trembling in fear.
"We're sorry, we promise we just kidding" Shampoo said in a highly false sounding, trembling voice and appeared to cower before him.
"Huh?" was all Kuno was able to say as a well known petite redhead flung herself into his arms. "Is it true Upper Classman Kuno? Have you been sleeping with Mousse and Shampoo as well?" she sobbed.
"B-but, we've never...I've never" he stammered, glancing around at the sea of frowning, judgemental faces surrounding him.
"Wow, making sex slaves of two Chinese people and sleeping with Ranma too; Kuno really is a pervert" Kuno heard someone whisper.
"That's it, I give up! All those who are coming with me to dinner, let's go! Yes that includes my lover and my two concubines" he said in defeat as he walked ahead, while everyone else trailed behind him, laughing at their antics and still making fun of the bokken slung over his shoulder.
"I can't believe you quoted the lyrics to 'I'm a Little Teapot' in Mandarin. Where did you learn to do that?" Mousse asked Kodachi.
"One of our nannies was from China and she taught it to me" Kodachi answered. "We had quite to succession of nannies, they kept on quitting on us, I can't think why."
Kuno walked on ahead fuming, especially when girl started singing the chorus from the Offspring's 'Seems Pretty Fly (For a White Guy)' but seemed to have altered the lyrics to "Show it to me Kuno, Uh-huh. Uh-huh."
He stopped "you people think you're just sooooooo funny, mocking me, mocking my martial arts and embarrassing me in front of my men. Well I have one thing to say to you" he said turning around with a sinister look on his face. They gasped when he pulled down his pants and flashed his erection at them. "Well, you've been wanting to see it for over an hour. How do I measure up?" he growled and then laughed as everyone blushed and looked at him in a flustered way. "I can focus my chi into any part of my body, including this part" he growled as he pulled his pants back up. "Don't try to tell me I'm not a martial artist!"
"I just saw my brother's...someone pluck my eyes out!" Kodachi wailed.
"Kuno Baby you always have to be sooooo dramatic" Nabiki sighed.
"I'm going to kill the pervert" Akane said, struggling in Ranma's arms.
"We did kind of force him to do that" Ranma said, trying to calm her down.
"So not overcompensation? You big enough to be Amazon male" Shampoo said.
This caused both Japanese males to turn around. "Wait you mean to tell that Amazon males are normally...?" Kuno asked.
Mousse just smirked at them both.
THE END