The Dusk Saga Chapter 1, a super smash brothers fanfic

The Dusk Saga

A/N: This is a parody to prove to people that I am still alive. If you're wondering what's up with Guardians/Wounded/DC Smashers, all are being worked on as I speak. But seeing that I have band practice and all, they probably won't be released until Christmas at the earliest. Sorry.

Disclaimer: I own neither Super Smash Bros. nor Twilight. But I do own the flamethrower used to decimate the books.

I. Dusk

My mother drove me to the airport at a rather early hour. She kept going on and on about how I, her beautiful, angelic, precious, porcelain daughter, would give up the sunny city of Hyrule Castletown for the horrid, dreadful, ghetto known as Smashville.

But she didn't understand the pain I felt. She didn't understand that if I went with her to horrible, horrible Castletown, with its happy inhabitants, rich neighborhood, and crime-free environment, I would be tortured beyond anything. She had made my tormented soul scream in pain when she married that horrible man who gave me $1000 for Christmas every year. She didn't understand how my tortured heart was ripped from my chest and eaten with a side of Tabasco when she said we were to move.

She didn't understand.

Not at all.

I was tortured.

Tortured.

Snape kills Dumbledore.

Tortured.

Oh hey, that guy's cute.

Tortured.

My name is Zelda Swan. And I am tortured.

Tortured.

I soon arrived in awful, dreary Smashville. I had opened my 7242092 page long book: "Extremely Boring Read that Only Dumb People Pretending to be Smart Would Read". Dad was talking to me about things that I didn't care about. The people here in Smashville are so dumb. I skipped ten grades at my old school.

But still, I am tortured.

Tortured.

It wasn't long before I arrived at my favorite class: lunch. I was sitting with a bunch of people that were obviously telling me I was beautiful because they thought I was so ugly. And speaking of my glorious ugliness, there were five guys surrounding me, touching me, stroking my hair, telling me they loved me. They all said how tight I made them in their pants, how honestly beautiful and smart and pretty and smart and not dumb and glorious and intelligent and radiant I am.

And then I saw him.

He was casually sipping a red smoothie and ripping into a live rat with his teeth. I gazed upon him and marveled at the glorious gold color of his eyes, the non-pointy-ness of his pointed teeth, and the glorious scent that reminded me of that day my ex ran around a mansion with a chainsaw and a mask made of leather. He was so god-like… he was Adonis!

I AM UNWORTHY!

His brothers were pretty hot too, I guess. There was this big guy with spiky blue hair and big muscles and this other guy with long hair that was blue too. I questioned their choice of hair-dye color for a moment before turning to the women at the table. One was swathed in a pink dress and was casually ripping out a student's throat. The other, who was dressed in a tight blue suit of sorts, was lazily tearing through a beating heart with her teeth. Both were blonde and all had eyes the same beautiful gold color as Adonis. And speaking of him…

He was looking at me! My heart dropped down to my stomach.

It proceeded to be digested.

I wondered what in the world could grant such gloriousness.

And then in Biology, he stared at me some more. And I stared back. He was glorious.

"I've been watching you sleep," he breathed. "And you showering… and changing… and going to the bathroom… and watching TV… and reading… and doing homework… and breathing… and blinking…" he tilted his head, showing off his gold locks, the color of his eyes. His extremely pointy teeth glinted at me. "Consider me your stalker…"

My heart- which was still in the process of being digested- fluttered in my tummy.

"I'm… Zelda…" I whispered.

"Link," he replied. Then, his face became anguished. "NO! WE CANNOT SOCIALIZE LIKE THIS! THIS IS BAD! BAAAAAD!"

"NO, LINK!" I cried, grabbing him. "We can make this work! We can-"

"Yes… yes, maybe we can make that work…" Link whispered. "Maybe… NO! IT CAN'T WORK! STAY AWAY FROM MEEEEEEEEE!"

"WILL YOU TWO JUST SHUT UP AND WORK ALREADY?" the Biology teacher, Psyche screamed at us. "STOP WITH THE DAMN ANGST AND GET TO THE ACTION ALREADY!"

She didn't understand.

She was torturing me.

I was tortured.

Tortured.

"Hi, I'm Roy," an extremely hairy kid said. "Please wuv me."

"Tell me the legend of the werewolf!" I said. I had to know why I was having these weird dreams about Link. It wasn't like they were that different from normal dreams, though. It only involved him having pointy teeth and the ability to kill a bunch of people just by drinking their blood.

I didn't understand what it meant.

"Uh… you mean the thing where the vampires and the wolves just got into a disagreement over some chew toys?" Roy asked. "Because really, those chew toys were the wolves' first, and-"

"I GOT IT!" I shouted, leaping up. My heart, still in my stomach, beat faster as I conjured up Link's perfect, indescribable face.

"Got what?" Roy asked.

"Thank you, Roy!" I cried, slapping him and running away. "Now do me a favor and just sit there for the next two novels! I'm going to lead you on in the third!"

"… That bitch is so going to get date-raped."

"I know who you are, Link," I whispered intensely. Did he find that hot? Most guys find intense whispers hot.

Link gasped. "Impossible! I've hidden my true identity so well!" he picked up a car out of a parking space and threw it across the parking lot before pulling his truck into the now vacant space. He then pulled a student out of the nearest car and bit into his neck.

"But because I am so much more clever than most of the students here, I have figured out your identity!" I cried. I dragged him into the middle of the magical woods that had appeared right next to the school. In fact, I dragged him in so deep, that if I were to be somehow killed and left for dead by this god-like being, then no one would ever hear from me again. My father would probably die of guilt and dread, knowing that the last thing he said to his daughter was that I was the most beautiful, darling, perfect thing in the world.

But screw him.

"You… have pale skin…" I began, trembling. He leered at me with his golden eyes, extremely sharp teeth bared ferociously.

"Yes…?"

"You don't go out in the sun…"

He looked up from where he was rubbing sunscreen all over his chiseled white appendages. "… And…?"

"You have sharp… thingies…"

He looked up from filing his teeth. "… Okay?"

"And you abstain from eating…"

He pulled a squirrel out of his pocket and bit its head off. "So what's your point?"

"I'm saying that you're not human…"

He snorted. "Really now, Princess? So what am I?"

The camera zoomed in dramatically on my mouth.

"A unicorn…"

He spit out his squirrel head, gushing glorious blood and squirrel-gore all over me. "You're kidding me, right? A UNICORN?"

Of three things I was sure.

"You're kidding me, right? Please say you're kidding me…"

First: Link was a unicorn.

"This is getting increasingly awkward!"

Second: there was a part of him- and I didn't know how dominant that part might be- that thirsted for my blood.

"How many unicorns do you know drink the blood of SQUIRRELS? C'mon, Zel! Please tell me you're joking!"

And third: I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.

The next few days passed in pure bliss. I was in love, coupled with the fact that my boyfriend was a totally hot unicorn. I remembered how he oh so romantically watched me sleep, never let me talk to other guys, and took extra measures to make sure to ruin my relationship with my dad forever.

One day, he grabbed my hand. "Z-Zelda… come with me… I'm going to show you here and now that I am no girly horse of doom…" with that, he placed me on his back and literally ran through the forest with the speed and grace of a gazelle with a giant load of weight strapped to its back.

We went deep into the woods. After a hundred yards, I could see a lightening in the trees ahead, a glow that was yellow instead of green. I hopped off his back, not caring that I stomped on his toes, and entered the pool of light, stepping through a fringe of ferns into the loveliest place I had ever seen.

The meadow was filled with flowers. But the beauty of such plants was forever daunted by the enigma of Link in the sun. Slowly, I turned towards him, my eyes alight with curiosity. His eyes were wary, reluctant. Link took a deep breath, and then he stepped out into the extremely dank glow of the horribly cloud-covered Smashville sun.

His skin, white despite the faint flush from the squirrels he was eating earlier, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface. He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, scintillating arms bare. His glistening eyelids, which I stalkerish-ly noticed were pale lavender were shut, but he wasn't sleeping. He was too perfect for that. He was a perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal.

"Holy Crow…" I whispered. "You…"

"Don't I disgust you, Zelda?" he whispered, his face twisted with the typical teenaged angst. "Doesn't the fact that my bloodlust is what keeps me alive frighten you at all?"

"No, Link," I whispered. "I love you, my handsome unicorn boyfriend… I love you…"

"And I love you…" he whispered. Then his expression became pained, filling with even more angst that before. "NO! I'M A MONSTER! STAY AWAY FROM ME!"

"NO, LINK!" I cried. "I want to be with you forever! I love you!" I kissed him.

"I don't deserve you!" he kissed me back.

"I don't deserve you!" I kissed him back.

"I love you!" he kissed me.

"I love you!" I kissed him.

"What do you see in me that makes you wish to have me so?" he hugged me, kissing me on the neck.

"What do you see in me that makes you say I am such a wonderful, exquisite, nice, all around perfect person?" I asked, sobbing.

"Don't ever leave me!"

"Don't ever let me go!"

"STAY AWAY! I'M A MONSTER!"

"NOOOOOO!"

"Zelda, I want to be with you forever!"

"Link, take me away from here!"

"STAY AWAY FROM ME FOREVER, ZELDA! YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER THAN ME! I'M A MONSTER!"

"Stop complimenting me, Link! I am not perfect! I am not beautiful! I'm not smart! I'm the most plain person ever!"

"OH, ZELDA!"

"OH, LINK!"

I kissed him.

He kissed me.

I kissed him.

He kissed me.

Charlie Brown found a dinky little tree for Christmas.

I kissed him.

He kissed me.

I kissed him.

He kissed me.

I kissed him.

He kissed me.

I kissed him.

Snape killed Dumbledore.

He kissed me.

I kissed him.

He kissed me.

I kissed him.

He kissed me.

"Uh… hi," another unicorn guy standing at the edge of the meadow said. "My name's Ganondorf and I'm the villain in this bo-" his head was ripped off by Link.

"Does that not disgust you? You should find someone else to be with, someone who won't crush your heart in your ribs!"

"NEVER! You're mine and you'll always be mine, Link!"

"I FREAKING LOVE YOU, ZELDA SWAN!"

"DON'T EVER LEAVE ME, LINK CULLEN!"

"Aren't we ever going to get in on the plot?" one of Link's sisters- the tall one in the blue body suit whose name was Samus- asked, completely annoyed.

"Of course!" Link's sister in the pink dress whose name was Peach answered. "Why, in the next chapter! Because… IT'S THE TALE OF THE EVIL BLOOD THIRSTY UNICORN PEOPLE VERSUS THE SUPER SPECIAL AWESOME POKEMON THINGIES OF DOOM!"

"Is this piece of shit story over yet?" Link's taller brother asked. "I wanna get the Hell outta this stupid make-up!"

"Of course not, Ike!" Link's lither brother, Marth, chided. "We still have… SEQUELZ!"

Book One: Fin.

A/N: … Kill me now. I am on crack.