Disclaimer: I do not own Legion of Super-Heroes or All That!
Since there is a like of Matter-Eater Lad, I have taken it into my own hands. Complete spur of the moment.
"Tonight's regularly scheduled program, My Five Sons, has been cancelled due to a homicide invest-I mean technical difficulties. And now it's Tenzil Kem with Vital Information for Your Everyday Life."
We're inside a well lit study. Tenzil is sitting in an old leather chair with a glass of brandy in his hand and wearing a robe. He still has his trademark specs. Classical music was playing in the background. Tenzil turned to the camera.
"Oh! Didn't see you there. I'm Tenzil Kem of Bismoll, some of you might know me as Matter-Eater Lad. Tonight, I'll be giving advice for your daily routine."
"What makes you so qualified to give advice?!" some guy from off camera screams.
"I got my qualifications from Joe." Tenzil explains. "Joe who?" "Joe Mama. Now put on this tutu and recite the Canadian National Anthem!" "I don't wanna!" the voice yells.
Tenzil clears his throat, then takes a swig of brand and bites off a piece of the glass.
"It's okay to eat toast in your house. It's not okay to eat toast with a mouse. It's not okay to eat it with a bear cub. It's not okay to eat in your bathtub. Why? Because only a moron would bring his toaster inside the bathtub."
"If you're living in a small German village, and some scientist has created an abomination sewn from dead body parts, the best course of action is to chase him into an abandoned windmill and set it on fire. 'Cuz nothing tastes better than finger lickin' fried freak!" Tenzil licked his lips at the thought.
"One plus one equals two. Red plus white equals pink. Dynamite plus matches equals BOOM!"
"Listen carefully. Cabana. Cabana Havana. Cabana Havana banana. Cabana Havana banana manana. Cabana Havana banana manana pajamas. I'm in my cabana in Havana eating a banana in manana in pajamas. Hurts doesn't it?"
"What's red and green, has five legs and only one eye? I don't know but it just ate the cameraman!"
"How to tell if you're a moron. You must be if you're listening to this advice. BURN!" Tenzil let out a hearty laugh as he bit into the glass again.
"It's funny to give your teacher hot pepper gum on April Fools Day. It's not funny when you give your ninety-two year old grandfather hot pepper gum on April Fool's Day. The man was in WWII, show some respect!" He was pointing an accusing finger at the screen.
"If you just ate something that will make you sick and you need to induce vomiting. My advice is to turn on Waterworld. Your insides won't know what hit 'em."
"Moses said 'Let my people go.' Marie Antionette said 'Let them eat cake.' My uncle Art says 'Lemme squeeze this thing on my neck and let's go!' Powerful words, indeed."
"Someone once said 'shoot 'em all and let God sort 'em out.' That same person is now spending a life sentence behind bars. We can't tell you his real name, but his nickname is 'Corn Muffin.'"
"When you see a Baby Ruth bar floating in a pool, and it has corn in it, that's not a Baby Ruth bar." Tenzil grimaced.
"If someone tells you to jump off a cliff, and you do it, GOOD! One less stupid person to worry about."
"If you're in school and you're arguing over who's smarter, it doesn't matter, because you're all vermin in the eyes of Kanesh!"
Tenzil looked over at the camera and said, "well, looks like we're out of time for tonight. If you'll excuse me I have go to solve world hunger. Good night."
"This has been Tenzil Kem with Vital Information For Your Everyday Life."