REASON
Did I love Her?
Yes, I guess I did. Or do.
Well, no. Probably not.
Shit, maybe. It depends on the day.
Being in Her old office at 0330 hours isn't exactly easing my confusion. I wonder what Carter would think if she saw her Chief Military Officer sitting here in the guest chair, in the dark, the middle of the night, staring at the Big Desk. The desk where She used to sit.
My heart can't believe it. It won't. Because my heart still believes that at any moment, maybe at 0330 hours, the Gateroom sirens will fire, waking me from a fitful sleep. I'll run hellbent for the control room, expecting some dire emergency, only to find Her smiling face walking through the event horizon.
And then some sweeping orchestral score will sound. I'll take Her in my arms, hugging Her, feeling Her, satisfied to know She's alive. And then I'll escort Her to the infirmary, and while Keller runs tests, I'll stay by Her side and hold Her hand. We'll talk, share a few corny laughs. Then we'll go to the mess hall and talk some more. Get a good meal in Her. Cherish the fact that She has come home and everything can return to normal.
Or maybe I'll sweep Her off Her feet, carry Her right by the infirmary to my room, and make passionate love to Her. It all depends on the day.
However my head keeps telling me I'm a fucking idiot. By now Oberoth has no reason to keep Her alive. No doubt he's gleaned all the information he can and now She's dead. I can't save Her because there's nothing left to save. There probably isn't even a body to give proper burial to.
Reason dictates that I should just give up. But even as I sent Her belongings back home, I still felt that fire inside. Burning up from my chest, straight to my brain, burning away any traitorous thoughts.
I'm going to find Her. There's just isn't any other option. Because as any woman who has ever dated me will know, I have a tendency not to listen to reason.