What Now?
By Mady Bay
February 7, 2002
"What now?! What now?"
Faith had listened to her partner's tormented plea - his plea to a dead man - and decided she couldn't listen any more. As his voice got quieter, she slowly approached Bosco.
"Bosco? Bosco, come on, let's get out of here," she called to him.
But when he failed to even face her, let alone acknowledge her request, Faith put her arm around her partner's shoulder and gently steered him toward the door and stairs.
"Come on, Boz," she whispered, pulling him closer to herself as they walked. "We're getting out of here."
She knew she should really begin to worry about him when she realized that he wasn't putting up a fight; that he was going willingly with her. She was worried, but she wasn't against taking full advantage of the situation.
"That's it, just a little bit further," she coaxed, still holding onto him as they descended the flights of stairs.
Just as they were approaching their patrol car, Faith saw their lieutenant arriving on the scene.
"Hey, Lieu?" she called. And when she had the lieutenant's attention, she continued, "I'm gonna take Bosco to the ER, get him checked out and cleaned up," she said.
"Fine, but make it fast - I'm gonna want full written statements from the both of you tonight!" he replied.
Faith just nodded in agreement as she got Bosco into the patrol car.
"I don't wanna go to the ER."
"What?" Faith asked, happy in a small way that Bosco was at least aware of what was going on.
"I don't wanna go to the ER," he repeated. "I'm fine, Faith. Really. Just… I just wanna get cleaned up."
She set an appraising look upon her weary partner.
"Please? Just take me to my apartment for a bit? Let me take a shower and change?"
"Sure," she said, putting a hand to his shoulder and giving it a reassuring squeeze.
She picked up the radio mike and called them out of service for a bit.
00000
What the hell should I say? The phrase was repeated over and over inside Faith's head as she drove through the streets of New York City. And as many times as she said it, she still couldn't come up with an answer. She looked over at her partner again. He hadn't said a word since they left Glen's apartment building, just sat quietly in the passenger seat, not even twiddling his thumbs.
Finally, they reached his apartment building.
"Here we are," she announced, putting the car into park.
When Bosco didn't make any attempt to leave the car, Faith put her hand to his chin and turned his face toward her. The sight made her heart ache and she wiped away the first of many tears to cut through the bloodstained skin on his cheeks.
"Come on," she whispered. "Let's go upstairs and clean you up."
00000
When they reached his apartment, Faith was still in charge. Bosco's hands were too shaky to get his key to work the lock, so she had to open the door for them. Once inside, she led him toward his bedroom and sat him on the edge of the bed.
"Start getting undressed," she said. "I'll start the hot water."
She entered the small bathroom and started the shower, making sure the water was warm. She grabbed a few towels from the cabinet next to the sink and put them on the counter, so that Bosco would be able to reach them when he was through showering, and headed back to the bedroom.
She was happy to see that her partner had started to remove his soiled uniform. His boots and socks were off, on the floor. His jacket and turtleneck were also off. He was fumbling with the buckle of his duty belt now.
"Here, let me," she said, coming to stand in front of him. She deftly removed the snapped belt keepers first and then undid the buckle in front of the Sam Browne belt and laid it on the bed. She ripped open the Velcro closures of his vest and helped him off with that, too, before saying, "Think you can handle the rest?"
Bosco looked down at his feet first before meeting Faith's gaze and nodding his head. "Yeah, thanks," he whispered.
"I'll…uh... be in the kitchen," she said, jacking her thumb back towards the bedroom door. "I'll make us some coffee or something," she added, before backing out of the room.
00000
As Faith worked in the kitchen, easily finding the fixings for some coffee, she kept an ear out for her partner, making sure he made it into the shower all right. Once the coffee was brewing, she gave the stationhouse a call and let them know where she and Bosco were, in case anyone needed to get a hold of them. She still had her portable radio on, but she thought she'd still better play it better safe than sorry.
And all the while, she still had no answer to the question, 'What the hell should I say?'
Coffee brewed and poured into cups, Faith realized that the shower was still running.
"Bosco?" she called, heading back toward the bathroom. She took a quick peek into the bedroom, just to make sure he hadn't sneaked past her and just forgotten to turn off the water, and saw that he wasn't there. She continued toward the bathroom, again calling out her partner's name as she did. "Bosco? Bosco, you all right?" she called, knocking on the door.
When he still didn't reply, she feared the worst and opened the door, silently thanking the powers that be that he hadn't locked it. Inside the bathroom now, her heart lurched again, as she was able to hear the sounds of her partner mingled with the noise of the shower.
"Boz?" she whispered and slowly opened the shower curtain, finding her partner sitting on the floor of the tub, crying. "Oh, Boz."
She reached in and turned off the faucets, stopping the now cool water's flow.
"Bosco?" she whispered, kneeling down on the floor next to the tub.
She was about to reach over to him, hoping to comfort him in some way, but instead was surprised when he grabbed her first, whispering, "God, Faith, don't leave me, too!" as he clung to her.
Heedless of his nakedness, or how wet she now was, Faith let him hold her and held him back, gently, soothingly, stroking his head and back.
"I'm not going anywhere, Boz. I'm not going anywhere."
"Yes you are," he responded. "Oh, God! Can't you see, Faith? I can't lose you! You're the only one…" He stopped there, unable to finish, and just clung tighter to Faith.
Faith was confused. The only one? She gently pulled his head back off of her shoulder so that she could see his face. She saw fear in his eyes. "Bosco? Talk to me. Tell me. I don't understand."
But she got no other response from her partner other than his body starting to shiver from the cold.
"Come on, let's get you out of here and warmed up," she said.
She grabbed a towel from behind her and began to dry Bosco's head, shoulders and back. When she realized that they'd have to stand up to continue, she put the towel into his hand and said, "Finish drying off. I'll get some clean clothes out for you."
He nodded his head and waited for her to leave before following her instructions.
How can I tell her how I feel? How can I tell her that she's the only person in my life that isn't screwed up? That if it wasn't for her, I'd be even more fucked up than I already am?
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Just as Faith was about to start worrying again and head back to the bathroom, Bosco emerged, a towel wrapped around his waist, and headed for the bedroom. A few minutes later, he entered the living room, clad in a clean uniform, and came to sit next to his partner on the couch.
Before she had the chance to say anything, Bosco took one of her hands and placed it in his own. He took a deep breath and let it out.
"You're the only one, Faith," he began. "You're the only person that's stuck by me in my whole life. You're the only one I can count on. Everyone else has either left me, one way or the other, or let me down." Finally looking up and meeting her gaze, he continued. "When you told me about your cancer… God, I was so mad! But I realized that I wasn't mad at you for not telling me… shit. I was mad because I was scared. I was scared shitless that I was gonna lose you!"
"Bosco…"
"No, hear me out, Faith, please?" he asked, still holding her hand. "Everybody else in my life has either left me behind, or are just so fucked up beyond reason… Don't you understand? You're the only one keeping me sane, Faith! You're the only one keeping me alive! Hell, even my own mother wouldn't have done what you've done for me in the past hour!"
"So me telling you that I didn't want to go to ESU…"
"I didn't want to go without you. I need you, Faith. I can't trust anyone else."
"You trusted Glen," Faith spoke up.
"And you see where that led me," he quickly retorted. "You've never let me down, Faith. You've never not been there for me."
"Once..." she began, as guilt filled her, memories of Bosco calling out desperately for her.
"That wasn't your fault. You didn't do that on purpose," he quickly corrected her. "And I shouldn't have been there in the first place. I fucked up, Faith. I did. Just like always."
"No, not just like always, Bosco." And, making sure she had his undivided attention, she added, "I wouldn't be here if that were true. And you know it."
A few moments of silence followed, neither quite knowing what to say next. Finally, Bosco broke the silence, asking, "So what now?"
"Now, we go back to work and do our jobs, Bosco."
"Just like that?"
"Just like that."
"I don't know what I'd do without you, Faith."
"Let's not find out, huh?"