Too Troublesome To Title.
Case 1. Copy Crazy Crash. Part 1.
The village in the leaves was abuzz with rumors and theories. Over what Shikamaru wasn't all that concerned with. It involved using too much energy and thus was too troublesome to ask what all the buzz was about. His energy was better spent on his need for cold caffeine. He preferred the lazy Shikamaru way, eavesdropping and piecing it together. Or the one that was more accurate, and even lazier. Waiting for someone he was acquainted with to rush up and ask if he had heard what about who/whatever and ask how it was going to affect them. People where predictable that way.
The effects he could summarize in a few seconds, buying time with what others would perceive as his lazy habits to think of the more complicated answers. Then if the person was reasonably clever, he could spend a minute or two explaining it, if the person hadn't already figured it out and wanted him to re-affirm it. If the person was a dim-wit, Shikamaru would go and draw a diagram or hand them a scroll and tell them to go read it.
Shikamaru stopped his errant thoughts there. That day-dream was kind of doomed. As in he couldn't draw well, -stick figures was what he was limited to as in he was too lazy to do anything else-, and he wasn't going to research anything, so that were two of many reasons to stop thinking along that line.
It still didn't stop his brain for coming up with the fantasy of him teaching which, in reality had as much chance as Kakashi being on time for something unimportant. Summarized over, about a less than 1 chance of ever happening. Shikamaru walking to his desk, with his soda, in a separate room from the bullpen of the main ninja offices, recognized the day-dream as the type that wasn't going to go away until something far more interesting happened, or it played itself out.
So, fondly imagining him in the role of a teacher, like in Iruka's position, teaching some subject that happily omitted itself from the day-dream, he would explain the subject if, -and it must have been a ridiculously easy course- he felt like, and assigning some seemingly difficult homework problems, that had answers so simple, the students. -some of which looked very familiar- would be stupefied, and he would enjoy the feeling of lording it over them. If only to show that even the guys at the bottom of the class could kick your ass, or out think you. Who's to say that having terrible grades isn't part of some great con? Thinking back to the fantasy feeling of lording the bottom rung over the top, he figured out why most teachers were in a permanent happy state in the academy. It was a rather profound discovery.
Not the proud-happy-parent feeling that they say they'd get when watching them all be happy with their new forehead protectors, - Shikamaru wasn't gonna fall for that and never did because he tuned the entire speech out, only listening when they called out team assignment- but because they were all sadistic bastards! And they would not get in trouble by satisfying those urges! The pop quizzes, the exams and all the tests, the huge amounts of homework some teachers assigned.
'Damn', Shikamaru thought, interrupting his nice, evil, little fantasy why didn't I ever make that connection before?
He answered himself mentally in his head. 'Because I never had a daydream about teaching before. The stupid diagram thought. It set my imagination running.'
He now, sat down, tried to focus on his paperwork, failed and then leaned back and started looking out the little office window.
His little imagining, would stay that way if Shikamaru had his way. However, in Shikamaru's fantasy world, the one that he visited most often, the world would be a lot less violent and murderous. Paperwork would be a whole lot less troublesome and the window in his office room would be bigger so that he could watch the clouds instead of pushing papers. The weather would be perfect for cloud-watching too. Warm but not too warm, with a light breeze that would rustle the long grass on his favorite hillside for cloud watching.
Since, the world didn't bend to Shikamaru's will, he had to deal with annoying paperwork, which got even more complicated, since the copier machines went on their version of a strike, which was to copy the papers in the strangest colors available. -There were rumors it was an elaborate prank by Naruto, but he didn't buy into that. He didn't think Naruto knew how to mix ink that well, and into such strange colors.-
The paperwork he had to deal with at the moment needed the squad leader's paperwork attached to it, which if done right, would corroborate the other squad members reports which described, in great detail, all the bloody and gore-y details. He had a grungy little window above the desk to the right of his, it was raining and his little office was miserable and empty except for him.
There were four desks in the office, one was his. But since the other ninjas weren't ever in when he was he wasn't sure who actually worked them.
The desk that was across from, in front of his, whatever, was always slightly different everyday, so Shikamaru guessed that they procrastinated and thus spent late nights doing paperwork they should have done earlier. The other desk, the one not next to the window, had dust that was to Shikamaru's eye at least an inch or so thick. Occasionally, -every three to six months- there was some dust disturbed, which showed that the person either studiously avoided the desk, did his paperwork elsewhere or something of the sort. The traps that were set on the dusty desk deterred most people from snooping and Shikamaru wasn't sure if he wanted to look just to satisfy his curiosity. It just wasn't worth it.
The other desk had no personal items that offered any clue but since he hadn't got an office buddy in the year and a half he had had the office, he had to assume that someone worked there, either very early in the morning, or after he left usually.
He had just settled down, gotten his papers and shit together, and took a sip of his soda when Ino busted into his office. Just a glance at her body, told him that he was in for a pretty long day and that he just got the award for being the target of female harping of the day. 'Yippee!' He thought rather tragically.
"You do know the copiers around here, are pieces of shit around here, right?" She yelled. Her body language said, 'Pissed-off, and bitching. Beware.'
Shikamaru fought a pitched internal battle to not wince at that particular tone and decimal. He quickly revised his fantasy world, to where the loud mouth ninjas would learn to speak at a reasonable, non-deafening, decimal. His mind quickly worked on a way, and came up with shock collars. Just imagining Ino's outraged face, all but a smile on his face. He rather feared it did.
Ino seeing Shikamaru smirk, went and pounded on his desk. He winced at that, but she was too mad to pay that much attention to his facial expressions. "The STUPID F-ING COPIER MADE MINE GREEN!" She slapped her papers down on his desk, and asked, rather demurely compared to her earlier tone, but still a spoilt bitch tone, "What color would you call that green?"
Shikamaru made an overview of the copies, which he would call a crab-grass green. Since most people hadn't made such an interesting study in grasses, most people would call it a greenish-yellow and be done with it. While he made his sweep of the papers, he read her body language. It said, 'Beware, say the wrong thing and I won't hesitate to kick your ass even though you're my teammate.'
He quickly ran over his options, and said, "At least you have yet to get hit with some of the more outlandish colors. I think someone got puce."
"Puce!? That's the color that this is?" She hit his desk again, this time closer to his feet, which were propped up, keeping his precarious balance in the chair.
He involuntarily moved his feet, and thus lost his balance. His chair then fell back and dumped him unceremoniously onto the floor. 'Ouch.' Shikamaru thought without any real reason other than habit and the small discomfort the fall caused. He then sat up, rolled his shoulder, stood up, put his chair on four legs again, rubbed his hip, and flopped down in it.
Ino, well acquainted with his habits, waited impatiently. He then went and answered, "Puce is a weird purple-pink color that's associated with fleas, and flea bites."
Shikamaru recalled that interesting fact from rainy days when he was four and there was nothing to do. And so to escape his mom pressing him into cleaning he had to be studying something, so he read the dictionary. "This makes only the most obscure colors, like puce, and periwinkle, un-copied so far."
"But the copier did mine in GREEN!"
"Could be worse, " he replied, "I've heard a few complain and even compare colors. I know a few for a fact, but some others are hearsay. If they were right though, Sakura managed to get a maroon-ish color, Gai was a bright apple red, and I don't really want to say this but-" after Shikamaru gave a long suffering sigh, and went on, "afterwords he went and announced, "Even the copier-culprit acknowledges my flaming passion!" Going on, -and hopefully forgetting that- Chouji received a cornflower blue, and Anko, the person with purple hair, the one that Naruto calls the 'Crazy Proctor Lady,' was awarded a nice shade of lavender."
"Huh, so what did you hear Asuma-sensai get?" She asked interested.
"Uh, let me think, he was a-"
Shikamaru thought back on his days for the past week or so. He closed his eyes, his forehead lined with a slight tension. This was a signal that he was doing it seriously. The day before all the copy madness started, he vaguely remembered his favorite deer -the one that thought it was a person- waking him from a nap on his favorite hillside. His mom, scolding him for avoiding the dishes, her eyes blazing, and her finger shaking, and her long black hair, tied in a ponytail, bristling like a cat's tail.
The day that the copy madness started, Izumo and Ibiki were among the first to use the copier, and Shikamaru getting something from the vending machine nearby, overheard Izumo muttering '- too light, we're going to have to copy it again.' and Ibiki answering, '-it's fine, if we have copy it again so be it. In the mean time make-do. Then we can complain-'
Later, close to noon, hearing Sakura invent several new curses on the copier, which appeared to hate Sakura as much as she hated it. He went, -rather unwisely he recollected-, to go and investigate. As he approached, Naruto heroically saved the poor copier. Naruto made a surprisingly good repair and handyman. Came from the experience of messing stuff up, Shikamaru theorized. Naruto, then explained that the copier wasn't working 'cause it was out of ink, so he went and got a new ink cartridge, while Shikamaru kept Sakura company. When he popped the new ink cartridge in, and said it should work right now, but the copier gave them a maroon, and then to save his health, Naruto made the point that maybe the ink cartridges were mis-labeled, and thus when Sakura went and got a new ink thing and set it in, and got a bright tangerine. Then they went and got pissed and told, -or what Sakura would call asking nicely-, 'If he could go and warn the next guy the printer was weird.' The next guy, was Gai. Shikamaru went and left and got as far away as he could within reason, as fast as humanly possible. He also asked Gai to pass the message along.
The next day, he woke up to his mom's old fat cat laying on his chest. The weight of the cat was slowly suffocating him so he pushed the cat off and looked at the time. To damn early for his taste. Looking back, Shikamaru remembered telling himself to remind himself later to fix his fantasy world to where no one woke up before ten at the earliest, unless it was a life-or-death situations, which in Shikamaru's happy place wouldn't happen. The copier was examined and determined to be in fine working order, and the ink replaced. However the ink in that copier and another one in a different part of the ninja offices, then rebelled.
When Shikamaru went on one of his many soda runs, and he was busying considering getting a mini-fridge and stocking it, which he dismissed a too much work, and not enough pay-off. He saw Ebisu, sneaking off in a manner, that was very un-ninja-ish. Even guilty. He'd heard from Naruto that he was supposedly a closet pervert, and he had his own suspicions, but to copy a porn magazine in the ninja offices, even when the most were busy, at like ten-ish, was very daring. Akin to suicide missions, especially with the budget as it was, and Lady Tsunade in office. Word was Sarutobi didn't really thought it mattered, but with Shizune and Sakura around, you might has well have slit your own wrists. He then deliberately went and made his footfalls louder. Ebisu cringed, and disappeared faster than Shikamaru though was prudent, considering it would draw too much attention. He sort of half-assed wished that he would, or if not, then at least he hoped Ebisu, had some decent money, because he would blackmail the hell out of him, and then he might just reveal the fact that Ebisu was wasting public resources on porn, and watch the ensuing chaos, just to relieve the office boredom.
Ah, that wasn't relevant to what Ino asked. He really didn't hear or see anything else interesting that day. Other than the fact that four other copiers went on the color strike. He personally found it amusing. He sort of liked to watch all the reactions that went on. So by the third day, he was watching out of his door's window slot, for anyone who happened to use the copier. His soda drinking, was giving him another excuse. His mom would scold him for increasing his caffeine intake, which would probably make him crash shortly after dinner. But on his way back from one of his trips, he passed by Asuma, whom he'd get a dish on all the office gossip from the next day over a game or to of shogi, and a free lunch. Asuma was not alone, and was walking very close to Kurenai, they were both slightly flushed, and the door to the room that contained the copier and vending machine, was slowly closing itself.
At this moment he hated Ino. He would rather not know that. Damn freaking hindsight. He said to Ino quickly, after snapping open his eyes, and putting the chair back on four legs, making a small dramatic effect, which if it worked like it should, "Lemon-lime-ish." He would let Ino make what she wanted of that. He would never bring up that particular subject again, even under torture. It was like catching you parents together. Which he hoped to never see, but knew had to have happened else he wouldn't be here.
"That's like a weird yellow-green isn't it?"
Shikamaru nodded slowly. He had a feeling he wasn't going to resolve his current feelings of annoyance towards Ino any time soon.
"So-o-o-o," Ino said, dragging the word out. Shikamaru was pretty sure he wasn't going to like what happened next. "What colors, have you got from the copy color culprit?"
"I haven't had reason to yet, I haven't ran out of forms yet." Shikamaru said blithely.
"But, I thought you would already have figured it out already!"
"Theory, but it's not really all that important." He brushed off. He would rather not have the whole world come and bug him, just to find out he was wrong.
"But you know who did it. I'm willing to bet its one of Naruto's pranks." She said vehemently.
It seemed like she was still mad at the last one he pulled on her. Shikamaru probably would be too, if it wasn't for the fact that holding a grudge was too much work. The prank involved a note, a door, a couple of shuriken and an open can of green paint. It effectively ruined her 'new' outfit, and her hair color. Her pale blond hair still had a decidedly green cast to it.
"Theory of how it happened, but-" He saw Chouji coming closer to his door, and so amended what he was going to say to, "Oh, hey Chouji!" He hoped Ino would play into his hands.
"Chouji, hey! Shikamaru was telling me he knows who's been messing with the copiers!" Ino said,
'What would be a good descriptive word for the tone?' Shikamaru mused. 'Loud? Yes. Annoying? Definitely. Irritated? Sounded so.'
His quite musing, was interrupted by Chouji who attracted to Ino's voice like a puppet jumps on a puppet master's strings. That simile made him remember Kankuro and that gave way to his fond remembrances of Temari. Namely her saving his ass from Tayuya, and the chuunin exam's match he had with her. Then the couple of times they'd met, usually when she was visiting Konaha on some diplomatic errand. Made him wish she were here. She'd probably bitch-slap Ino with her fan, and then laugh at all the foolishness, everyone was making out of the copier craziness. Then the face of Gaara popped up, and thus made him pay attention to what Chouji and Ino were arguing about now.
"Would you guys shut it? You'll be going to give me a troublesome headache soon if you keep up your bickering." This was an outright lie, that Shikamaru had concocted a couple of years ago. It was only known as that by Chouji. It worked well enough to get them to both to shut up, which as a gennin worked to get them into something resembling a team.
He sometimes loved being a ninja. The only class he halfway passed was lying. That was because he could hold a straight face better than anyone. He just took stock of the image, and replayed it later in his head. Most of the time on his favorite hillside. It had its downsides too. He couldn't be sure if what Temari said was true, but on the likelihood it was, Gaara probably knew that they were close friends. Shikamaru would have liked it to go further, -she was much more voluptuous than Ino, and call it a typical male reaction- he sometimes fantasized. Hell, a good number of male bachelor ninjas hit on her ever time she visited. Genma, was among them, invariably.
Shaking off the hopeless delusion, he looked at Chouji. Chouji took his cue. "Sorry Shikamaru, but do you really know who has been messing with all the copiers?"
Chouji spoke pretty softly, which assuming Ino's ears still weren't ringing with her own shrieks, would hopefully pick up that he must be talking at a normal pitch and respond accordingly.
"Theory." He muttered. He really wished he could get his teammates out his office. They kind of were crowding him. He couldn't do anything like that, and he needed to do his paperwork and rather quickly, and if he was judging the time right, so he could eat dinner at home and then sneak back out, and go over to Chouji's and thus escape the repetitive task of putting up the leftovers, and doing the dishes. He really wished that his mom used paper plates sometimes. But now, he had another option other than be late and watched over like a hawk, and end up doing the dishes. He could return to the office, and this was an inescapable fact of being a ninja, do some late night paperwork -over the copy craze if he was right-, and thus get away from the dishes. If he left some paperwork undone because of the copiers he could theoretically tell a white lie to his mom. And get away with it. He seriously doubted it though. The problem of having a mom and dad that were shinobi.
That's why he had his own apartment. Habit, and the thought of his mothers homemade food, which was free, compared to the take-out. Which was not. It was an easy choice.
"See I told you he knew who did it!" Ino muttered. It was still loud enough that if someone was standing outside his office door, they could hear her. There was a good chance that someone would misinterpret that, and then someone would think he had all the office gossip.
"I still need to check some points out." He said.
"Then we'll help you look! So, uh-h, what are we looking for?"
"Now, since Ino, has fondly pointed out the reason of why I'll be checking it out myself."
"So we have your word that you won't go and go home and get food?"
"My word as a shinobi." He said automatically. That thought had crossed his mind, but his friends and teammates would lose some respect for him, and thus give him less creditability. A ninja with no creditability, in his own village, was a broke ninja. He happened to like his pay.
Ino picked up on this common trick though, which was not a trick. That was so damn troublesome. "Your word as a shinobi means squat."
"As Shikamaru, -your friend- then?" he asked. With a voice that he would describe as having a slight shading of desperation.
"We can't really hold us up to that could you?"
"Alright, fine. Have it your way. Then you have my word as a fellow teammate who has saved your life several times over, that I will not go home, when I go to check on the couple of things I need to check on to validate my theory." He hoped his face looked serious enough.
She made a scrunched up face and looked him over. "Good we'll wait right here then. We better not smell food all over you."
Shikamaru sighed as he made good his escape. Once out of the bullpen of cubical world, and on the more unused paths, he did a hand seal, and made a clone. This was one of the times he disliked being a ninja.
A/N. The answer to this is in the next part of this story, which will be happily posted as chapter two. (Hence why it's labeled case 1 -la de dah- part 1. YOU Should get the idea. Chapter numbers DO NOT case #s.) What does Shikamaru do with that clone? Who has been messing the copiers? And what did he mean when he said he'd won the award for the target of female harping for the day? All these answers and more on part two of this case.
This story took like three typing session. In which I had to deal with an annoying little brother(14 yrs old) who wouldn't get off the comp, and several cats who think that when I'm typing they can walk all over me, the keyboard and my notebook. You can thank one of the cats, who is now dubbed Muse. She provided the inspiration for this story. I was going to call her Insperation but then decided that it was too hard to spell correctly. She's all dark gray/almost black and with brown tiger stripped, and only a couple of months old. Also included in the distractions was Shikamaru popping up in my head saying "I would never do that!" or "Troublesome." or my fav. "Can't you find a way to make the readers see it my way? And still make my plan unknown?"
This is an example of what plays in my head.
Shikamaru- Why are you complaining about cats? Can't you find something else to do that about? Like if your mom's cat tries to suffocate you and wakes you up at four in the morning?
Me- Try to get ready for bed with two on you, and another on your bed. Have some really horrible luck, over the weekend, and then feeling like an idiot after finding my glasses under the clothes washer!
Shikamaru- I wouldn't know about that. I don't have glasses. It's too troublesome to stay here and talk, I'll stroll around in your head and see what you've got planned for me. Case 1 only took like four/five full pages in total. Just think that the next one is like twelve pages worth.
Me- You're trying to get me to quit? Not happening.
Shikamaru- Working on to make you actually work on it. Most people never see the real me. Or understand me, or my reasons. You do, so you've been given a nice c-rank mission to finish it. If you don't, um, what to do? I'll sic Naruto on you, after I convince him that you are the reason for all his troubles.
Me- How the fuck did that happen?
Shikamaru explains reasons.
Me- Oh, yeah, see your point. You're fucking evil genius.
Shikamaru smirks. Evilly.
Methinks- You are an evil bastard. A maniplitive evil genius.