Crow:
(monotone) Another riveting piece, by Disord.
All:
(deadpan) Woo, woo.
Disclaimer:
I don't own Star Wars or any of its related characters or places… I do
own Kosk, Neevik, and Mallor (unfortunately-- They can get rather rowdy at
times!).
Crow:
Oooh, *rowdy*, eh?
All:
(unison) In bed!
Kosk:
::sullenly:: Fuck off.
Servo:
He dropped the F-Bomb! This is gonna be
good!
Discord:
::clears her throat:: Yeah, there's something else. Like you just heard,
Mike:
The voice in my head was telling me not to write this fic, but what the hell.
::sends
a withering glance to Kosk:: Some of my characters tend to use filthy
language. But, hey. Who am I to talk?
Neevik:
Jesus. Tie her up and hide her
somewhere.
Crow:
Yes, do.
Jedi
Chronicles 1: Another Day In Hell
Recorded
by Discord
Servo:
Ooh, "recorded" by Discord!
How original!
Obi-Wan Kenobi slid his tray of food over to make
room for the two beings walking to him.
"Joy and elation," growled a Trandoshaan,
smacking his tray down at the table. He
poked the quivering blue Jello square on his tray, and, with a snort, sat
down. "No food should be
blue. No food should ever be blue. May the Scorekeeper eat it." He glumly began to carve his name, Kosk,
into the shivering mass.
Mike:
Scorekeeper?
Crow:
That hairy creature that keeps points in bed.
Mike:
Aahh…
A Rodian plunked down in a spare chair, cocking his
head at Obi-Wan to utter, "Oota goota."
Mike:
Oota Whatta??
Crow:
Hey, don't look at me.
Mike:
I'm having trouble with this vocabulary.
This author is a nerd.
"Hey, Neevik," Obi-Wan responded to the
"what's up".
Neevik shook his head in disgust, forming the
English with ease uncommon to his race, considering their small mouths. "What the hell is this shit? It looks like something a mankas threw
up." Neevik glanced at two other
female students who were trying to disassemble the blue block with the
Force. "Looks like it's good for
one thing only."
Obi-Wan felt a grin form. "That being?"
Servo:
Sex! Sex! Sex!
Neevik suddenly looked devilish, if that was
possible for a Rodian. "Heh… I'll
let you two know when you're done eating."
Servo:
Whhoooaaaa! Woo hoo!
Crow:
Pervert.
Kosk glared at him.
"Your ideas always get us into trouble."
Crow:
Then the idea turned out to be waay too much trouble and they all died. The end.
"Like you even care."
"Unlike you, Rodian, I do feel a compulsion to
be a Jedi."
Obi-Wan waited patiently for them to stop
bickering. Neevik, Kosk, and Obi-Wan
called themselves 'the Terrible Trio',
Mike:
The Terrible Trio. How mature, and
adult, and --
Crow
and Servo: Shut up, Mike.
not as a self-insult, but a blunt name. The Jedi Masters encouraged that all
Padawans get along, but there were always social groups. However, the group he belonged to was,
hands-down, the oddest. Rodians and
Trandoshaans
Mike:
She's talking in a different language.
Whatians and Whoodoshans?
Crow:
Republicans and Democrats.
Mike:
Aahh…
aren't known
for their charisma or compassion, and, even though Neevik and Kosk had
renounced their violent cultures, all the Padawans except Obi-Wan indirectly
shunned them.
Crow:
(Imitating a Trandoshaan) Thanks for training me, mind if I lop your head off?
"Fine, the hell with it," Kosk gave
up. "I'll do it."
Servo:
Do "it"?
Crow
and Mike: Aw, God.
"Great!" cried Neevik. "Obi-Wan, gimme your parsley."
Servo:
Parsley? Kinkeh.
Obi-Wan handed it over, and Neevik stuck it in a
Jello cube, and then caused it to float through the Force. "I wonder what would happen if a bunch
of these started to float around?"
He suggested innocently.
Crow:
Nothing? At all?
Obi-Wan smiled darkly, his icy eyes flashing with
amusement. "I have a better
idea." He smirked at their
questioning stares. "All we have
to do is start it… Then beat it. And we
won't get in any trouble."
"Works for me," Kosk approved.
"I'm in," Neevik added.
Obi-Wan nodded, then grabbed an extra Jello square
with the Force. He floated it up and
over the heads of the students. When
all eyes were on the blue UFO, snickers breaking out everywhere, he chose his
target. Positioning his blue square
above Anan Kaner, the local big dumb jock,
Servo:
Big dumb jock?
Mike:
Reminds me of Dawson's Creek.
he rubbed some of the molecules together so it
sounded like the Jello was giggling.
Servo:
(monotone) Oh. My. That was SO funny.
All:
(unison) Ooh.
The assembled crowd blinked.
Crow:
Blink, everybody! BLINK!!
Obi-Wan released his telepathic hold on the Jello,
right onto Anan's head.
Mike:
(slaps his knee) That is SO FUNNY!!
You could have heard a pin drop.
Servo:
Crow, gimme a pin.
Of course, that was before every single person
telepathically snatched their Jello and… Well, you can guess.
Servo:
Big, massive orgy, right?
Crow
and Mike: Shut up, Servo.
In the midst of the food fight, Obi-Wan, Kosk, and
Neevik were able to creep out of the cafeteria.
The three sprinted down the hallway, laughing as
hard as humanly (or Trandoshaanly, or Rodianly) possible.
Mike:
More humor.
Crow:
Stop, I'm dying.
"Stop!
Stop!" gasped Neevik,
slowing down. "If I don't stop laughing I'm gonna throw up!"
"Rodian barf.
Not something I want to see."
Obi-Wan halted, slouching against the wall.
Kosk flicked a bit of Jello out of Obi-Wan's spiky
hair. "Looks like you got
grazed."
"Horrors upon horrors."
Mike:
Wow, this author is so funny… I'm gonna split a seam laughing…
Crow:
I dunno, I'm identifying with the Kosk character.
Servo:
Angry and bad-looking, right?
Crow:
… Screw you.
"Hey, guys, talk about irony," Neevik sat
against the wall. "In twenty
minutes, we have our Force class on telekinesis. I hear," he continued excitedly, "that some Masters
will be overseeing!"
Servo:
Overseeing? Orgy! Orgy!
Crow:
(groans)
Mike:
For God's sake, shut up.
Obi-Wan and Kosk's eyes lit up. Masters looking over a class usually meant
that Padawan's would be chosen.
Mike:
Puddlewang?
"And I also hear--" began Neevik.
Kosk wondered briefly where Neevik heard things.
All:
HA HA HAAA!
"I hear that Master Qui-Gon Jinn will be
there."
The light in their eyes became an absolute
gleam. They all jumped up to be early
for class.
¤ ¤ ¤
The latest exercise looked difficult. You had to lift, with the Force, a 200 pound
lead block. At the moment, all the
students lined up for their turn at it.
Neevik stepped up, leaving the next in line being Kosk, then Obi-Wan. Neevik's brow furrowed, and the exercise began. He closed his eyes.
Obi-Wan felt his stomach turn. So far, all 15 students who had tried had
failed horribly, with absolutely no change to the block. Obi-Wan resisted the urge to
Crow:
Break out into song and start a happy jig.
glance up at the Jedi Masters lined up on the viewing
balcony above the exercise room.
Crow:
Damn.
Qui-Gon Jinn became
Crow:
Very happy and broke out into a happy jig!
remotely more interested.
Crow:
Damn!
The Rodian was trying, then the Trandoshaan. It would be interesting to see how they
would fare in this new difficult exercise.
Mike:
Yes, just fascinating.
Sweat popped out on Neevik's forehead, his eyes
screwed
Servo:
SCREWED? SCREWED?!
shut. He
lifted his hand, palm facing the cube.
The block showed no sign of changing.
But then, the far left corner of the block shuddered, rising off the
floor slowly. It hadn't been up for
long before Neevik released his hold on it, his time being up.
All:
Hip hip hurray!
A rumble of cheers greeted him as he walked back to
the group, grinning and wiping his forehead.
Kosk decided that aggression was the best way to
go.
Mike:
Be, aggressive! Be, be,
aggressive! A-G-G-R-E-S-S-I-V-E! Goooooooo TRANDOSHAANS!
Crow
and Servo: (clap wildly, hooting and cheering)
He stepped up, activating the timer and immediately
pushed both of his palms towards the block.
He stared at it, focusing all his attention.
Qui-Gon Jinn had been impressed by the Rodian's
performance. Mace Windu leaned over to
speak to him. "Seen a promising
one yet?"
Servo:
A promising what? Sex slave?
Mike:
Servo, one more time, and I swear…
Qui-Gon glared at him. "You know I'm not taking another Padawan. I'm only here because you made me come. And quite frankly, I'm about ready to walk
out the door."
"Oh look, the Trandoshaan failed." Mace watched Kosk stride off, a look of
vague dejection on his harsh olive features.
"Listen, there's just one more, then we can go, okay?"
"Yeah, sure." Qui-Gon waved him away.
Mace grinned and rolled his eyes, turning his
attention back to the students.
Obi-Wan stepped up, activating the timer. He closed his eyes, concentrating.
Qui-Gon raised an eyebrow. He hadn't ever seen such
Servo:
SEXINESS!
Crow:
(mockingly) I wonder if Obi-Wan will be able to raise it?
Mike:
(mockingly) Beats me.
calm on such a young student. He glanced at Mace, noting that the other
man saw and felt it too.
Okay, it's too heavy to lift, gotta make it
lighter. How? Separate the molecules, Obi-Wan decided.
Through the Force, he reached out, separating the molecules of the cube,
making it less dense.
It was still pretty fuckin' weighty.
Obi-Wan, concentrating heavily, gestured upward with
his left hand.
The block followed his gesture, raising a full
half-foot off the ground.
All:
(monotone) Yay.
Qui-Gon and Mace's eyes bugged.
Servo: I had no idea that eyes had the ability to
"bug".
Mike:
Yeah, I thought that was just Windows 98.
Crow:
Harshhhh.
Obi-Wan knew he'd done it, and, instead of
celebrating, he gave attention to raising the block higher. However, two feet seemed to be his limit,
and the heavy block crashed to the floor.
Obi-wan grabbed the timer table for support, feeling absolutely
thrashed.
The teacher stepped out amidst the cheers, smiling
ear to ear. "Well… Homework was going
to be thinking of a way to lift it, but that's scrapped. And Obi-Wan, you've earned a day off."
Even through all his excitement, Obi-Wan noticed
that Master Jinn was gone, along with the other Masters.
¤ ¤ ¤
Qui-Gon strode down the hallway angrily. Mace Windu kept pace with him. "I think we've just found you a new
Padawan."
Mike:
Puddlewang?!
Qui-Gon stopped, facing Mace. "That boy is arrogant, proud, and he will
turn to the Dark Side!"
Crow:
Crazy old coot.
Mace fixed him with a stern look. "You could tell all this from his
raising of a lead block?"
Qui-Gon glared at him.
"The boy is strong, honest, and good,"
Mace countered.
Qui-Gon raised an eyebrow. "Honest?"
Mace sighed.
"So he's pulled a few pranks--"
"Fake eyeballs, fake barf, ants in the dorms,
that worm incident--"
Servo:
My kinda guy.
Crow:
Pervert.
Mace spread his arms. "He has a colorful sense of humor!"
"Too
colorful." Qui-Gon sighed. "You know I won't take another
Padawan."
Mike:
Puddlewang?
Crow:
It's old, Mike.
Mace's face softened,
Servo:
He must be using the new anti-bacterial skin softener!
All:
Oooh, aaah.
Mike:
Stool softener?
Crow:
What are you, deaf?
and he dropped a hand onto his shoulder. "You must get over the boy.
Servo:
Get OVER him? Eh? Eh?
Mike:
(slaps a hand to his forehead)
You must move on."
Qui-Gon glanced at him, then down at the floor.
¤ ¤ ¤
Kosk and Neevik, both with an arm around Obi-Wan's shoulders,
supporting the exhausted human, helped the boy back to their dorm.
Mike:
Poor bastards. 14 and already living in
dorms.
Obi-Wan managed to murmur a "thanks" right
before sacking out on the couch.
Neevik and Kosk blinked at the speed that he was
able to fall asleep at.
"Humans," Kosk offered as an explanation.
They looked at each other and shrugged, each feeling
frustratingly clueless.
Servo:
Mike feels like that all the time.
Mike:
Ha ha. Did I forget to mention ha?
¤ ¤ ¤
Obi-Wan woke up to the usual din of squawking
guitars and the heavy beat of drums.
If there was one thing that the three friends agreed
on, it was taste in music; Static, Photon Blast, and Ridge
Crow:
Who?
Mike:
Hanson gone bad.
being only three.
However, his favorite disc was playing as today's alarm clock. Obi-Wan had gone searching the music stores
for something good (and cheap). He came
out with something older then Yoda: Disturbed.
All:
(raise hands)
The three,
through great trials and weeks of sucking up, managed to copy all the songs
onto a usable disc, saving the original CD to see if it was worth anything.
A heavy guitar riff wafted out from the
speakers. Obi-Wan knuckled his
eyes.
He stretched a bit, then got up.
¤ ¤ ¤
A dark figure cast a gaze over the small security
camera monitor it carried. Good! The boy was waking up.
It clenched its teeth. Raising that block should have been impossible for a young one
like Obi-Wan Kenobi to manage.
A smirk flitted across the mouth of the figure. Yes.
Such a powerful student would attract the attention of the Council.
The figure replaced the small monitor somewhere in
the folds of a billowing black cloak.
Several thoughts were forming, a certain few being particularly
disturbing.
Finally, we will be able to get our point
across.
We have not faded into the growing Light.
We are here.
All:
(mimic the theme of "Jaws")
¤ ¤ ¤
Obi-Wan wandered about in the Temple gardens on his
day off. The scent of the fruits, flowers,
and grass helped him calm down.
He was uneasy.
Mike:
If somebody was referring to me as Obi-Wan Kenobi, I'd be uneasy too.
There was something very wrong.
Servo:
He's still dressed?
And the most frustrating thing was the fact that he
couldn't pinpoint the source. It was…
The truth was, he couldn't pinpoint it because he didn't have the faintest
glimmer of an idea what it was. It was
human, and male.
Servo:
Perv! Perv!
Crow:
You're one to talk.
But it used the Force, and it had some Light and some
Dark side in it. But that was about it.
Oh, yeah.
One more thing.
It was following him.
Obi-Wan ground his teeth. The meditating dome, he decided.
The 'dome' was a wire structure that was completely coated in vines,
making the walls seem solid. The vines
had been grown with the influence of the Light Side, so a Darksider couldn't
stand to go near it.
Mike:
How clever this author is.
Crow:
(as Discord) Pulitzer, you're mine!
Obi-Wan stooped slightly to enter dome. He glanced over his shoulder, relieved to
see that nothing sprouting horns and screaming was leaping for his back.
Crow:
Even more humor!
Mike:
This kid is *unstoppable*, I'm telling ya…
¤ ¤ ¤
Hmph. Sharp
kid.
Not sharp enough to save his
Mike:
Pathetic and scrawny butt.
butt, the cloaked figure observed.
Mike:
Who called it!
The figure sat cross-legged outside the dome,
concentrating.
¤ ¤ ¤
Obi-Wan, turning around, almost tripped over himself
when he saw another figure in the dome with him.
Crow:
He fell down and broke his neck. The
end.
He relaxed when he saw it was Qui-Gon Jinn, who was
looking at him speculatively.
Servo:
Spec… What?
Mike:
Honestly, we're not all geniuses. She
could have used a word like…whatever the hell that means.
"Playing a game?" Qui-Gon asked suddenly.
Servo:
(As Obi-Wan) Ooh, Master, I'm *always* playing games…
All:
(singing) I'm always chasing rainbows…
"Pardon, sir?"
"You look like you're hiding from
something."
"Well, sir… I am."
"Oh?"
Qui-Gon raised an eyebrow.
"What from?"
Mike:
His libido?
Obi-Wan wrung his hands, fiddling with a blade of
grass. "I'm not sure, all I know
is it's following me and it doesn't want to give me a medal."
Mike:
It is his libido. I knew it.
Crow:
I stand in awe of your telepathy.
All humor gone now, Qui-Gon stared at Obi-Wan. "This'd better not be a prank."
"It's not, I swear it."
Servo:
(as Obi-Wan) My libido, I swear. It's
coming to petrify the Australians!
Crow:
The Australians?
Servo:
You know, the boys… down under.
Crow
and Mike: Aww…
Qui-Gon turned on his heel, peering out of the viney
dome. He turned slowly, looking for a
figure that didn't belong. Nothing,
nothing, nothing… Wait, what was that?
A man in a black cloak stood to a full 6 feet. His only visible features were a flash of
black eyes.
Mike:
Naturally.
Servo:
Tall, dark and handsome. We should
bring him back for that crazy scientist.
Qui-Gon reached out with the Force, probing
Servo:
The man's pants.
Crow
and Mike: Servo!!
at the man.
He glanced at Obi-Wan. "You pick up the worst enemies possible, don't you?"
Crow:
(as Obi-Wan) Well, if you count an
apprentice-gone-bad-who-wears-black-and-chops-me-in-half, then yeah…
Obi-Wan looked up at him, eyes wide. "What is it?"
"A Shadowsider."
Oh. My. God.
All:
(vally-girl speech) Oooomigod!!
"I don't know why he's after me!" Obi-Wan insisted.
Before any more words could be exchanged, pain
plunged into Obi-Wan's skull, filling every crease and crevice of his
head. He cried out, grabbing his head,
and fell to his knees.
Mike:
Obi-Torture.
Servo:
Naturally.
Crow:
When all else fails, refer to torturing the sex icon.
Before Qui-Gon could even blink, the man came
tearing through the leaves of the dome.
He held out a palm at the shocked Jedi Master and sent him flying back
through the wall.
Crow:
Ha haa! Old hippie!
The man wrapped a hand around Obi-Wan's neck,
lifting him off the ground. Obi-Wan
grasped at the hand, but didn't have time to get a grip before the Shadowsider
threw him, headfirst, into the ground.
Everything swam into a blur, then it was all black.
Servo:
That sucks.
Qui-Gon staggered to his feet just in time to see
the dark form dash the boy onto the ground.
Obi-Wan slumped onto the packed dirt ground, quite unconscious.
Qui-Gon's stomach tightened
Crow:
He threw up his innards and died. The
end.
A confused
thought danced in his mind.
Crow:
His mind did a happy jig! YESS!
Why do I care about the boy on such a personal
level?
All:
Ooooooo!
The thought had barely formed before the man in
black glared at Qui-Gon, and a jagged pain erupted in his head. Qui-Gon fell to his knees, clutching his
head.
The Shadowsider smirked, then walked to Obi-Wan, who
was still a crumpled heap on the ground.
The man slid his arms under the boy's back and knees, lifting him in his
arms with an aggravating intimacy.
Servo:
SLASH! SLASH! Wooooo hoooooooo!
However,
the gentle handling didn't seem to be a good omen for the future.
Servo:
Yesssss! Score!
Qui-Gon, now on his hands and knees, glanced
up. Through a red haze of pain, he saw
the man carry Kenobi away from the destroyed dome.
Away from him.
Qui-Gon's arms gave out, and he slouched against the
ground.
Crow:
Tear.
Servo:
Boo hoo.
Mike:
What's that sound? It's my BLEEEDING
HEART!
¤ ¤ ¤
"Sonovvabitch!!" Qui-Gon shot up into a sitting position in the sterile, white
bed. A shadow flickered across his
face.
The Shadow Side.
Almost a fairy tale, Shadowsiders were the most dangerous of all, being
part Light and part Dark.
The traditional belief was that the Force was evenly
split in two, Light and Dark. However,
not all Force-sensitive chose to believe that there was such a stark line
between the two. They operate in the
area in which Light and Dark overlap.
This enables them to use both Light and Dark side powers.
Crow:
Whoa, what was that?
Mike:
She tried to explain the Force in one convenient paragraph.
Mace Windu striding into the room interrupted
Qui-Gon's thinking. He sat on the edge
of the bed, his face wrinkled with concern.
"Qui-Gon? What-- Who--"
"A Shadowsider is on Temple grounds."
Mace stiffened.
Servo:
Where exactly did he stiffen?
Mike:
I'll kill you, I swear.
"And he has Obi-Wan Kenobi."
Mace leaned his head into his folded hands, his
elbows on his knees. "Any ideas on
what it wanted?"
"As far as I can tell, attention."
"Oh, it's got plenty of that."
¤ ¤ ¤
Obi-Wan woke slowly, his body feeling--
He blinked.
Well… He expected it to feel like shit, but he felt fine, oddly
enough. He fidgeted with his hands,
which were tied behind his back.
Crow:
The ropes came alive and ate him. The
end.
"I see you're awake."
Obi-Wan froze, scanning the darkened room for the
source of the voice.
A well-placed kick to his ribs brought his head
down, curling into a ball, gasping.
Crow:
Obi-Torture! Obi-Torture!
Servo:
Beep beep beep!
"What's the matter, boy?" The voice was filled with venom and
acid. "Can you not see in front of
your own eyes?"
Mike: Ah, well, you see, when you're *not* intent
on smashing my face into the ground…
Obi-Wan glared at the figure that seemed to have
materialized in front of him.
The figure stared piercingly down at him. "Sit up," he commanded. Obi-Wan did so, a bit shakily, and the man
sat down across from him. Unexpectedly,
a smile broke on his face.
"My name is Mallor Kinatai. And you are?" He held out his hand expectantly, as thought Obi-Wan's hands were
not bound. His smile became a smirk.
Servo:
(in a falsetto) Oh, you evil, evil man.
Do please untie me, and I'll satisfy all of your urges and fantas - -
Mike:
Stop right there.
Obi-Wan spat right onto his face then followed up
with a tackle. "You know what, you
bastard?" He screamed. "YOU ARE A FUCKNUT!
Crow:
The F-Bomb again. I like this kid.
Screw you!"
He punctuated the speech with a kick to Mallor's jaw.
All of a sudden, Obi-Wan found himself flying
through the air. He blinked. Then he found himself flying into a wall.
Ow…
All:
Ow…
His vision swam for a moment,
Mike:
That's cool. I gotta teach my vision
how to swim.
Crow:
(lifting an arm threateningly) Here, I'll help.
but came back into focus as Mallor stalked up to
him, his face a mask of fury.
"Good aim. However, you
will regret that."
Mallor pinned him to the wall with one hand and
reared back with his other fist.
Obi-Wan closed his eyes, swallowing.
¤ ¤ ¤
"He's what?" Neevik's mouth hung open.
There was a murderous twinkle in Kosk's eyes. "He's been captured by a Shadow Side
user."
Crow:
Who would have guessed?
"God DAMMIT!
Dumbass!" Kosk waited for
Neevik to stop raging before handing him a holodisc.
Mike:
A what?
Servo:
Don't you know anything? God, you're
such a Trekkie.
Mike:
Okay, so Picard was cool. So sue me.
Crow:
You mean Dr. Xavier, for the Institute for the Crazy Mutants in the Middle of
Nowhere.
Crow
and Servo: (snicker)
"What's this?"
"Don't watch it if you're feeling
destructive," Kosk warned.
"When do I not feel destructive?" Neevik thumbed the disc.
Crow:
I like him, too.
A fuzzy image of Obi-Wan is what appeared. His entire
body was bruised, but his visage was a stubborn one that Neevik and Kosk knew
well. "Numbnuts here wants me to
make demands for him," he reported.
He winced as though his head suddenly hurt. "Well, he wants a fuckin' big starship, a shitload of credits,
a lightsaber, and a life." He
closed his eyes, groaning through his teeth.
He opened his eyes through his pain.
"And I could use a band-aid."
Mike:
There she goes again!
Crow:
She is *so funny*…
The holodisc image fuzzed out.
Neevik threw it against the wall with enough force
to shatter it. "What the
hell?? If that asshole lays a single
fucking finger on Obi-Wan, I'm gonna take that Shadow Side of his, wad it up
into a tiny, little ball, and shove it UP HIS ASS!"
Servo:
Potty mouth!
Kosk cracked his knuckles. "That was pretty much my reaction, only it was, ah, edited
because Master Windu gave me the news.
What do you say? Scream our
favorite word right now?"
Neevik nodded, then threw his head back with
Kosk. In unison, they yelled
"FFFUUUCCCKKK!!!!!"
Crow:
I'm telling you, this humor is just killing me in its witty capabilities.
Mike:
Oh yeah.
¤ ¤ ¤
Obi-Wan woke slowly, his whole body feeling as
though it was a pincushion. The pain in
his head was lesser, so he assumed that Mallor was asleep.
Stifling a moan, he climbed to his feet, ignoring
the daggering pain.
Turning backwards, he twisted the doorknob, which he
had unlocked earlier. The click and
muffled shriek of hinges sounded galactley loud to Obi-Wan.
Servo:
Not just incredibly loud, but *galactley* loud.
¤ ¤ ¤
Mallor woke quickly, sitting up. If the Temple had obeyed his demands, then
he should have been halfway to Correlia by now.
Mike:
Where?
Crow:
Another word for High School.
Mike:
Aahh…
Oh, well.
Only one thing left to do.
Servo:
Screw!
Crow:
I'll beat your little tin head in if you say that one more time.
Since he couldn't get what he wanted, he would have
to leave with a bang.
He flipped a holodisc to "RECORD" and made
his message. He wafted it up through the
vents, settling it in Qui-Gon's room.
"Time to check on the kid," he muttered.
¤ ¤ ¤
Obi-Wan had one foot left in the chamber where he
had been held prisoner.
Then Mallor walked in.
He didn't even pause as he walked out the door, he
just telepathically grabbed Obi-Wan as he walked. He stopped in front of the big kitchen freezer.
¤ ¤ ¤
Damn, it's cold.
Crow:
Usually is, in freezers.
Servo:
Pansy.
Obi-Wan rotated his shoulders, pacing about in the
freezer. I'm not gonna last another
hour, he realized.
Mike:
D'oh!
He heaved a sigh and continued pacing.
¤ ¤ ¤
Qui-Gon's eyes fluttered open. He looked about, scanning the impeccably
neat room. Something seemed out of
place. In a moment, he spotted it: a yellowish holodisc by the ventilation
shaft. Qui-Gon got up and retrieved it,
curious. He thumbed the button,
freezing when he heard the message it contained.
He hesitated for less than half a moment before
dashing to find Yoda.
All:
(singing) Now dash away, dash away…
¤ ¤ ¤
"More dangerous then we expected the Shadowsider
is," Yoda observed calmly.
Crow:
I will reserve all obvious jokes about Yoda's speech.
Qui-Gon hit the "PLAY" button again. A voice without an image trickled from the
holodisc. "In light of my
knowledge that you have not, and will not, concede to my demands, I have left
the Temple." There was a smirk
evident in the tone of his voice.
"I've put the boy into safekeeping… I'm afraid the only thing I
could find was a freezer." It was
obvious from his glee that he knew that there were 83 freezers in the
Temple. "I wish you luck in
finding him!" The voice fuzzed
out.
Crow:
HA HA! She strikes again!
Qui-Gon squared his shoulders and glanced at Yoda.
Yoda looked up, the faintest hint of anger on his
normally serene features. "Found
young Kenobi must be. A party to find
him you will make?"
"Yes."
Qui-Gon nodded slowly.
¤ ¤ ¤
Obi-Wan sat against the wall of the freezer with his
head hanging down limply. His ragged
breath flowered around his face, his body shaking. His muscles seemed frozen, and pain sliced at them whenever he
tried to move. His breath, cold sweat,
and any general moisture had crystallized on his skin, hair, and robes,
creating a bluish, otherworldly shimmer.
Crow:
(as old Obi-Wan) Yooz the Fooorce.
Stretch out with your feeeeelings.
¤ ¤ ¤
Qui-Gon was running his team tirelessly, although
the party didn't feel quite as energetic as he did.
"Sir!"
A young female human, Dyanai, halted in front of him, panting slightly.
Qui-Gon raised his head in affirmation of the
hailing as she continued, her tone cautious.
"According to my calculations… Obi-Wan Kenobi is either dead, or
will be in less than 10 minutes."
Mike:
Oh, how comforting.
Servo:
(imitating a ditz) Umm, let's just, like, stop now 'cause he's prolly, like, kicked the pail anyway, ya know?
Qui-Gon nodded his head in acknowledgement before
ordering, with just the slightest hesitation, "Keep searching." He fell to the back of the group to ponder
the wisdom of his latest idea.
A connection.
A mental connection. That way,
Qui-Gon would be able to pinpoint the boy's location.
However, it would result in mixed feelings, and
probably a new padawan.
Mike:
Puddlewa--
Crow
and Servo: Shut up.
But it's obvious that the boy will grow up to be
massively powerful.
Hell.
All:
Hell.
Why judge all training Jedi by one gone wrong?
Crow:
(as old Obi-Wan) Why, indeeeeed.
Qui-Gon halted the team, explained his plan, and
began to concentrate.
¤ ¤ ¤
Obi-Wan's eyes fluttered closed, his head slumping
onto his chest.
A tentative touch on his mind brought him back
alert. Sort of. Well, as alert as you could be in a
freezer.
Mike:
In the dead of night, to Star Wars fanfiction readers all over the globe,
Disord Strikes Back! With her
incredible humor and insatiable wit!
What is that?
Servo:
Oh, pardon me. It was the Mexican food
last night, you know…
Obi-Wan? Qui-Gon
Jinn's thoughts floated into his mind.
Sir? The youth 'sounded' so flabbergasted that Qui-Gon
almost laughed out loud.
Mike:
Flabberwhatted?
Crow:
Don't you have even a rudimentary vocabulary?
Mike:
(imitating Jar-Jar) Not really, no. No.
Obi-Wan?
Where are you?
Servo:
A whorehouse.
Mike:
That was inappropriate…
Well… I--I-- Obi-Wan sent him a mental image of his location.
Qui-Gon took off, sprinting down the halls to where
Obi-Wan indicated.
Even as he ran, he felt a coldness seeping into his
mind. The new connection he had with
the boy softened and started unraveling.
He felt Obi-Wan's consciousness flicker.
No! Stay
awake!
I--I'm trying…
All:
There is no try. There is only do.
Even through all his efforts, right as Qui-Gon
opened the door, his body went limp as he blacked out. The shaky rise and fall of his chest stopped
altogether.
"No!"
Servo:
(as Obi-Wan) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
Crow:
Yessss! He's dead! The end!
Qui-Gon knelt by the frozen bundle on the
floor. He pushed down his panic and
desperately laid a hand on Obi-Wan's forehead.
There was a tense moment when nothing happened. Then Obi-Wan inhaled sharply, his eyes
snapping open.
Mike:
He recovered from death pretty quick.
Qui-Gon released a breath he didn't know he'd been
holding. He gathered the boy in his
arms, carrying the weakened apprentice down the halls.
Qui-Gon Jinn smiled down at his new Padawan
Crow:
Then his face split open and he died.
The end.
Mike:
It's not that bad.
"And
how was your day?"
Mike:
Puddle--
Crow
and Servo: Shut UP, Mike.
Obi-Wan Kenobi grinned back at his new Master. "Oh, just another day in hell."
Crow:
That was amusing in its witty proportions.
Servo:
You mean it sucked.
Mike:
Seriously, though, guys. What's a
punglewad?
