Summary: "It was the best four years of my life," Zuko says and finally the words rolling off his tongue sound right even though in a way, he's signed his own death warrant. He's admitted to it now, that he loved it in the Earth Kingdom and riding the open seas, that his banishment opened his eyes and for the first time he saw the world for what it really was.
He was in exile before, but now, he's a traitor.
(AU. Post-crossroads of destiny, Zuko leaves a little earlier)
SORRY FOR ERRORS I only read over it once lolol
Zuko hears the whispers around the palace. He's nothing like before, the servants say. Being out there with the savages has done something to him, the cooks whisper. It's all that time at sea, the officials say, surrounded by criminals, they've rubbed off on him.
The young servant is in his room, he looks nervous, as though Zuko is a wild and untamed creature. Zuko knows he wants to ask him something. He adjusts his robes (so much softer than the harsh thin material of his Earth Kingdom clothes, so why does he find himself longing for them?) and beckons the boy to speak.
He blushes, taken off guard that Zuko would even consider allowing him to talk. "I'm sorry, my prince," he says. "But may I ask… what was it like?"
Zuko thinks of Song and her kind words that he didn't deserve, her gentle smiles and her burnt leg, of the little boy he met out in rural Earth, the bullies that were cowardly enough they wanted to throw a child into the war.
Zuko thinks of Jet, of Jet's pain and anger as his world around him burned, of Jin, her gentle hands and her fingers in his hair, her patience as Zuko flounders under her gaze, the lamps he lit up in that fountain and how in that moment he felt like that could have been something, how holding Jin's hand under the night sky felt like that was where he was meant to be.
Zuko thinks of the tea shop and its comforting warmth, of the regular customers and how Uncle charmed them all, of Uncles hand on his shoulder as he laughs about something obscure.
Zuko thinks of the constant hunger, the feeling of his ribs poking through his skin out in the Si Wong Desert, the constant struggle for survival, of the war-ravaged land and the people that he met along the way.
Zuko knows what he should say. He should look this boy in the eyes and tell him they're savages, they live in ruin. Just selfish peasants but Zuko knows it isn't true. He wants to stand up and scream. Tell his father and every ignorant general that the Earth Kingdom people are proud and loyal and stubborn and how he felt home there more than he's ever felt home here.
He wants to tell this boy of Jin, the girl who loved him for all his faults. Who saw past his scar and looked at his soul and fell in love. He wants to tell him of Song, of how he stole from her and how she didn't deserve it. Tell him of Lee and how his brother is dead and his parents let him sleep in their shed and how they didn't ask questions about where he was from even when they would have been better off if they did.
He wants to tell this boy about how beautiful the sky looks on the ocean, how he can see every star for miles. He wants to tell him about how Lieutenant Jee got him drunk for the first time on the ship while they were so far from land, there wasn't a single other vessel to keep them company and how for the first time, Zuko felt like this was a life he could live.
"It was eye-opening," Zuko settles with. The words sound wrong. He physically cannot bring himself to say such things he was taught about the Earth Kingdom people. Not now that he knows the truth. Not now that he's seen it for himself.
He's stuffed all these feelings away for so long, and now as he sits on his bed in the Palace, servants to cater his every need, his father talking to him, people respecting him, Zuko misses the open seas, misses his crew and a part of him wonders what it would have been like to just… travel the world. Without the anger of banishment leaning over him, without the need to capture the avatar.
Just Him, Iroh, Lieutenant Jee and his crew under the open sky, floating through the vast ocean singing badly to the only Fire Nation songs they can remember, making up the words where they've forgotten them. Letting Uncle help him practise Fire Bending, grinning when he's praised and suffering through Pai Sho games until Zuko finally gets it. Getting drunk with Jee on the deck and plotting ridiculous travel plans only to laugh at them in the morning.
But his crew is dead, Iroh hates him. Iroh hates him, and all at once, Zuko knows that he doesn't belong here. In the crystal catacombs of Ba Sing Se, Zuko can see it all laid out in front of him. What he should have done, what he should have said and how he destroyed it all.
Maybe he needed to do it to learn. Maybe he needed to lose everything to see what he had, to understand what this life really is, and to understand that out there in the Earth Kingdom with Iroh by his side, guiding him and Jin's hand in his own, Zuko had everything he ever needed.
The servant - Kazuki, because Zuko knows their names. Of course he does. He can no longer ignore their humanity - stares at him, a curious look in his eyes and Zuko stands up.
"It was the best four years of my life," he says and finally the words rolling off his tongue sound right even though in a way, he's signed his own death warrant. He's admitted to it now, that he loved it in the Earth Kingdom and riding the open seas, that his banishment opened his eyes and for the first time he saw the world for what it really was.
He was in exile before, but now, he's a traitor through and through. He's an enemy of the Fire Nation.
Kazuki's eyes widen and he scurries off when Zuko nods at him in polite dismissal. He thinks about the war meeting, how he had to bite his tongue, hold back his opinion - don't offend anyone, don't offend Ozai - and he knows he can't live like this.
He unties his hair, letting the strands flop in front of his face and places the headpiece on the bedside table.
He understands what Iroh has been saying now. He understands that Ozai is wrong, the Earth Kingdom people deserve justice, and if Zuko can't bring that himself, he'll help the people who can.
(In the morning, Zuko, along with his uncle are missing. Zuko leaves the bed made and the headpiece on the floor itss side with the Fire Nation insignia flags in his, in the room burnt on the floor.
Zuko was merely banished before, but now he's a traitor and he might as well live up to it).