They pull him from death's hold, gasping for air and crying out (Riko, Riko) only to shove him back into a cold, dark place. Something scalding hot is curled in the space between his ribs and naval, shivering and weak; it is using all of its strength to keep him alive and it is so very tired. Genji wants to tell her that it is okay to stop, he is tired too. But his wounds are severe, he does not have the mind to think anything at all besides coldemptyhanzopleasehanzononolostwhererikorikoRIKO⎯
He thinks he might be dead, if not for the voices that drift in and out of his awareness like wraiths. One voice has become familiar to him in its frequency, a soft whisper that is not abrasive against his mind. He opens his mouth to say something (he does not know what) but nothing comes out. There are hands on him, in his delirious, weakened state they are very much not welcome. He feels violated; cold, clinical fingers stray where they shouldn't and he wants to call out and scream, don't touch me, don't touch me, but all that leaves his mangled throat is an inhuman shriek.
"This is our only chance, he will die if we do nothing. The GSF has already green carded it."
"Dr. Ziegler⎯"
"I am going to save him."
He remembers screaming; it will take him years before he looks back on this memory and realizes that he was the one screaming. Hands touch his mangled and twisted body, pressing down against the largest of his wounds, cutting into his flesh and he wants them to stop, he screams for them to stop but they don't listen.
They encase him in frigid metal an eternity later, his body is taken from him, he cannot move, he cannot see, and claustrophobia grips whatever is left of his insides. His very breath is caged within his chest. His actions are no longer his own. His body is not his own. He tries one final time to scream but it falls on deaf ears, and someone covers his mouth, his nose, and he cannot breathe, tears spill from his eyes, he's so scared, he can't breathe, he can't⎯
Genji doesn't just… wake up.
It is as if someone flips a switch and his eyes are just open, he is jolted into awareness so suddenly he feels as if he has whiplash. There is a low ringing in his ears and the world around him is tinted a hideous, horrible shade of red and he hates it. His whole body throbs, his legs and left arm are strangely numb and there is a metallic aftertaste at the back of his throat that makes him grimace.
There is nothing in his unfocused red tinted vision that he recognizes; it is not that it is simply unfamiliar, it is as if his mind cannot focus long enough on any one thing for longer than a heartbeat for him to realize that he is in a hospital room. But everything looks somehow broken, and he feels so numb, and he tries to reach out for something, anything, but he can't because his arms are tied down and Genji wants to cry because he feels so raw and he does not know where he is and something is missing.
After a few agonizing moments something in his sluggish mind pings, he is in a hospital. But why? The last thing he remembers is ⎯
Painpainnohanzonononopleaseimsorryriko
What small semblance of balance he has finally gotten is destroyed and Genji feels as if his world shatters, he feels like his mind is falling to pieces, held together by a fraying thread moments away from snapping. He feels so empty and he cannot comprehend what is even happening.
Where is the color? He wonders hysterically, eyes wide. Everything is that disgusting shade of blood and his hand trembles as his breath quickens, and even that feels wrong to him, a foreign metallic hiss accompanies every inhale and Genji almost holds his breath to make it stop.
Genji feels so alone. He has lost everything; his mother, his father… his brother. Even Riko is gone.
But that is impossible, because Riko is right here, at his side. Where she belongs.
But she isn't he realizes with a small strangled noise. She is not there (where, where, where, whe⎯), there is a black hole where she should be but isn't. The ringing in his ears gets louder and he strains against his restraints until they snap so he can reach up and grip what is left of his green hair and pull with cruel strength. He doesn't even notice how strange his right-hand feels, doesn't even notice as he rips out entire handfuls of his own hair; he just sits there, his eyes unfocused and unresponsive.
Riko is gone. Gone, gone, gone, gone.
He is alone.
And Shimada Genji screams an awful inhuman shriek that echoes in the hollow of his bones. Salty tears stream down his mangled, ruined face and he screams, and screams, and screams.
But the sound is drowned out by the ringing in his ears and he doesn't even notice people swarming in, holding him down. All he can do is scream because there is nothing else he can do because Riko is gone.
His soul is gone
Angela Ziegler's daemon is an elegant red watches Genji with intelligent black eyes from his perch on the doctor's shoulder as the woman asks him a series of questions on how he is feeling (he feels hollow and dead), if anything hurts (he says no because he is too numb to feel anything). She has him follow her finger with just his eyes, asks him to move his fingers and artificial toes, asks him if he feels the pressure of her gloved finger against the side of the foot that is attached to him.
He follows her orders robotically and without question, not able to muster up the strength or will to care about anything.
He hasn't spoken since he woke up, simply lays on the hospital bed and lets a group of doctors poke and prod at him without complaint. Dr. Ziegler isn't as overbearing as the others. He prefers her presence.
Genji wouldn't go as far to say that he likes her, that would require that he have emotions (which he has surmised that he does not anymore). But she is kind and her accent is soothing and she actually speaks to him rather than act like he is not even in the same room. There is no pity in her eyes, which Genji appreciated most of all. He doesn't want pity. He wants to die.
But there is always someone with him when he is not restrained to the bed (he was prone to violent outbursts), and even then there is nothing in this room Genji could use to end it. Which is a shame. Really.
He does not take his eyes off of Dr. Ziegler's weasel, the long creature does not seem bothered and watches him right back. The blonde doctor busies herself with jotting down data on her tablet, though he knows that she is well aware of his staring. It is considered rude to stare at a person's daemon for too long. Genji doesn't care.
Genji doesn't look anyone in the eyes anymore, instead, he looks to their daemons. It is not necessarily jealousy he feels when he looks at them, more like longing. He does not resent others for having their daemons when he has lost his. It is pointless to hate someone for something so trivial. But that does not change the fact that he misses Riko so much that it is hard for him to breathe. His soul is gone and she is never coming back and Genji sorely wishes he had followed her in death. Nothing is worth the pain he feels. Nothing is worth the silence.
The Shimada is no stranger to pain. He has an intimate relationship with it but nothing - nothing at fucking all - not even his own brother hacking him into bits, comes close to the raw agony that consumes his entire being. Riko's absence is like an open infected wound that throbs and burns. He would liken it to losing a limb, but he has lost three limbs and it is not even in the same ballpark. It is indescribable.
He does not know who he is anymore. He is not a person, a person needs a soul and his is now gone. He is not an omnic either, he thinks, because although he does not have a daemon and he is now more machine than flesh, he was once human. But that feels like a lifetime ago now.
But it is there in that hospital room, shakily standing up for the first time, Dr. Ziegler closely monitoring him (his prosthetic legs make him slightly taller than he used to be, Riko would have laughed, he thinks), that something begins to burn in his heart. Anger. He is so angry. He is angry at Hanzo for killing him, at the Shimada Clan for making him do it, at Dr. Ziegler for not letting him die, at Riko for actually dying and leaving him here alone.
The dragon that rests in the cage of his ribs stirs. She is as furious as him. She roars constantly, keeping him awake at night and drowning out the white noise. She yearns to destroy, maim, kill.
Genji hates her too.
Gabriel Reyes comes into his hospital room during a physical therapy session with Dr. Ziegler, a beautiful barn owl swooping in behind him to land silently on the bed frame. Her dark brown eyes unnerving and her too large eyes watchful. Her name is Adalyra. Reyes tells Genji of Blackwatch as he walks back and forth between two bars. He offers Genji a purpose.
He accepts before Reyes has even finished speaking.
He becomes an official Blackwatch agent two months later, immediately after Dr. Ziegler releases him from her care.