Hi guys. So this is my very first post, please be nice and let me know what you think. This story will be told in 1st and 3rd person, depending on who's character's P.O.V. it's being told from. And yes, this is not just a single post about Spike's last thoughts, there's much, much more to come. So read, review, and hopefully, enjoy!

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Prologue

(Spike P.O.V.)

My life began again in that graveyard. That was the catalyst, and not in the way I thought it would be. I never thought I'd be such a fucking cliché. You know, you never know what you had until you've lost it. I thought I knew the meaning, thought I fucking lived it, what with how much I missed Julia and all.

But then she was there, face to face, first a gun held to my head, then hugging me like I was her fucking salvation…

It's what I'd craved, what had fuelled my very fucking next breath. The love of my life. My reason for living in this shitty existence we call life.

But there we were, face to face. Me and the love of my life. The woman I'd betrayed a brother for. The woman I'd idolised beyond a shadow of a doubt.

That was the moment.

The moment I stupidly realised that the past few months with Jet, Ed…and Faye…

Fuck

I could barely believe it, let alone accept it. There she was, hugging me, begging me to run away with her. I'd dreamed of this for years. Craved it. So much so, it became my entire purpose in life. So much so, I'd convinced myself life wasn't worth living without her.

So, imagine my shock, when there she was, begging me to run away with her, to be with her…

And I felt…disappointed.

Not nothing. After all, I'd known both her and Vicious since I was still young; they'd always hold some dark place in my shrivelled heart.

But when she embraced me in that graved yard, while rain drenched us both, all I felt was guilt. Guilt because my idolisation had smoke screened me from realising how fucking good I had it with the Bebop. Maybe I loved Julia, maybe I just idolized her because she was the first kind person to look after me…fuck if I know. All I know, is when I stood before her, her pointing a gun at my face in the rain, my first thought wasn't about how much I wanted to make love to Julia, or how much I wanted to kill Vicious…No, when first saw Julia, after so much fucking obsessed longing…

My first thought was of Faye.

I didn't feel that epic, romantic, life changing love I'd boasted in her face. I hated her for it, just for a second. Then all I wanted, just a few seconds after seeing Julia, was to laugh with Faye. Laugh, at how what I'd felt for Julia, truly was in the past. Laugh at how I much I loved my life with Jet, Ed and Faye. Laugh at how ridiculously surprising that was. And she'd laugh at me, so smug about how right she'd been the last time we spoke, how I should've listened to her and let the past go…how I should've stayed.

I didn't do any of that though.

Pride and duty took over.

Julia wanted to get out. I owed it to her, so I ran with her.

Then Annie died.

And then…

Julia died.

Maybe it's because she'd been my gravity, my anchor…my reason for living, for so long…to have that snatched away, maybe that's what drove my revenge.

Or maybe it's like I said to Faye. I was sick of living in the past and needed to illuminate it to see if there was anything left of me to move past it, once and for all.

The moment Vicious died, it was like the final tether which anchored me to my sordid past snapped, and all of it, the Syndicate, Annie, Mao, Vicious…Julia…it was like watching them all fall away, fade into the black of the past, finally where they belong. My right eye cleared for the first time since it's insertion, and in that moment, a new yearning replaced where Julia had once dominated. Bloomed more pure and aching than anything I'd ever felt for her.

I wanted to live my life on the Bebop, with Jet and Ein and Ed, and Faye. Infuriating Faye. My arguments with her lit me up like a fire cracker, made me feel so alive. I wanted years of fighting with her. Years of drinking and laughing with Jet, being frustrated and fond of Ed and Ein. I wanted to train in the light of a star nebula, share smokes with Faye in moments of peace. I wanted everything I'd taken for granted while I'd been too fucking stuck in the past, hooked on a woman who I now realise I'd only 'loved' because I'd had nothing else even remotely good in my life, and she was kind to me, wanted me.

To bad I only realised all of this while my guts were spilling out.

God, this is a fucking cosmic joke. The moment I desperately want to live for the first time in my life, the moment I finally feel truly alive, is the moment I'm dying.

I wish I could've told Jet how much his friendship meant to me.

I wish I could've watched Ed grow up.

I wish I could lose more chess matches to that fucking dog.

And Faye…my heart's still too raw to know what it would've wanted with Faye, but I guess…I guess I wish we could've at least had a chance.

As I step one heavy foot in front of the other down the stairs, the flood lights blinding me and an army of police yelling at me to freeze…

As I raise my hand, cocked like a gun, half delirious from blood loss and regrets…

As I say 'Bang' and collapse, my strength finally leaving me…

It's not my past I see flash before my eyes…

No, it's the future I could've had, if only I'd let the past go.

And as my world goes black, it's Faye's face, twisted in passionate fury, smirking in seductive triumph, crying and vulnerable, pleading me not to leave her, and those rare times all her facades dropped away, and she just smiled at me, soft and warm…that's the last thing I see.

And it makes me smile.

It always struck me as strange how Spike didn't react when Julia hugged him. And how he spoke to Faye about wanting to find out if he was still alive. So this is my take on it. Next up, we fast forward to the Bebop crew, three years later. How's Faye holding up since Spike's death? Is Ed any less childish now she's 16? And is Jet still the grumpy old geezer we all know and love?

Please review, though no flames, but all other reviews are very much welcomed. Let me know what you think!

Stay tuned Space Cowboys...