Hi there.
I won't bore you with a ridiculously large opening of author's ramble, so I try to keep this short. I know, Self-inserts are the bane of all authors, but I just couldn't help myself. I haven't seen a work of Fanfiction (yet) where the insert is an Ootsutsuki. As in full-blooded alien-Ootsutsuki. Mini-Kaguya. It is properly not done because It would be plain-old OP as heck if done wrong, buuut...
Well, I am an Idiot. Capital I. And I like to mess around with the sanity of fictional characters.
So, without any further ado and before I'm struck by stray tomatoes... *silently uses Sasuke as a shield*
Here we go.
Warning: Not entirely serious. Alien-Infant. You have been warned.
Disclaimer: I don't own Kishimoto's stuff. Kishimoto owns Kishimoto's stuff. I had just accidentally flushed it through a toilet. Please don't tell him.
Earth - Europe - Germany - Lower Saxony - A collapsing building with a mob of angry readers in front of it
I am dead. So, so dead. Not right now, but still so, so dead.
My name doesn't matter. I am a male and a fanfiction writer whose origins lie in the northern part of Germany. My family consists out of parents, grandparents, a brother, a dog, multiple uncles, aunts and cousins yatta, yatta, yatta. I am currently in a make-shift building with my computer and hope that the barricades do their job.
I hadn't updated any of my stories in a while and my readers want my head for it. I don't know how I got tracked down and I'm not interested to actually find out.
A cow flies through the air just outside of my bulletproof glass window. Wind force twelve. A low breeze. One can also see cars floating through the newly created streams courtesy of an ocean's worth of water falling down from the sky. The majority world would call it 'the great flood'. We from the north call it a drizzle.
I have no idea how the mob out there could light up their torches. It is also highly questionable to hold pitchforks up to the sky. Thunderstorm and all.
Anyways, I have a story to write. Or, well, multiple ones to continue.
With a snip, the songstress was gone in a flash of light, leaving a brooding, mentally twenty-some years old infant alone on the-
*Zap*
Aaand my computer starts a revolution against me. Fan-friggin-tastic. Discouraged by the loss of six hours worth of written stuff, I repeatedly slam my forehead onto the keyboard.
I don't even register the suddenly white vision and the absurdly high amount of High Voltage frying my brain.
I blink. Twice. Trice. More times.
Knowledge. My... brain is overloaded with knowledge.
I am being held by a giant with pupil less, barely lavender and mostly white colored eyes. Bright, pale bluish, glass fiber like, long hair framed both of their white, almost ethereal faces. Perfect, angelic, lipstick-red lips...
... twisted in disgust.
"A failure." two voices, both male and female, emotionlessly stated at the same time.
Something dark opened behind them... Portal, my mind tells me.
I'm thrown through it.
Okay.
I am currently high up in the sky, far above the clouds and falling. If my estimations are right, I have exactly one minute and fifteen seconds before I end up as a splatter one the ground. It should be enough time to sort out my thoughts and find a way to deny my untimely death... Hopefully.
So, first off: Somewhere along the lines, I died and apparently reincarnated...
As a freakin' alien!
Not just any alien, god(s) no: I became an Ootsutsuki!
Oo-tsu-tsu-ki! Ya know, these ridiculously powerful beings from the 'Naruto'-Manga/Anime/whatever? Kaguya? Most ridiculous godlike being in the Naruto-verse? I haven't seen the Boruto-Movie (Naru!Hina is canon! Cookies for everybody!) and therefore I don't really know how strong Kinshiki and Momoshiki are... Let alone Kaguya herself since I only had basic knowledge from the Wiki regarding her before my brain got electrocuted...
Why am I trying to hold a conversation with a non-existent audience? Ah, yes, because I try to occupy the last seconds of my new life.
Anyways, apparently the Ootsutsuki-parents I had the 'luck' of being their child of were not ones of the patient kind: They practically stomped 'basic' knowledge into my still developing brain since, apparently, they didn't wanted to deal with the whole raising-children-thing and hoped to create a shortcut.
They made one, but weren't satisfied. Damn a-holes!
What had they done? They got a random soul (me) and merged it with the spark of the new life within mama Ootsutsuki. So here I am: A guy inside a female body. Unable to do anything. Falling from the sky because, apparently, the end result (I) was not good enough, for whatever reason.
I am not fond of the results myself, too.
At least they had invested SOME resources (knowledge) into my creation and for me to assimilate... like the anatomy of a generic Ootsutsuki (I have two hearts!) or the basic cultural stuff of the extraterrestrials, ya know...
Apparently throwing unwanted children through random portals is a common occurrence. Damn A-holes. At least I got wrapped into a... pale, lime-green towel.
Moving on, let's continue with the next topic:
Most Ootsutsuki consume chakra instead of solid food. They take 'chakra consumption' quite literal, ya know? Hell, they are basically in a low-level sage-mode all the damn time. Like kids on an eternal sugar-high, only calmer. And more grumpy. And cocky. And antisocial.
What else... They have some ridiculous... Kekkai Genkai..? Bloodlines..? Genetics. Let's go with genetics.
Everyone (who is deep-rooted into the Naruto-verse... heh) knows that the 'three great dojutsu' originate from the Ootsutsuki, the Byakugan being their more or less primary one. Some of them are born with a Rinnegan, some are not, but sometimes somehow still get one. Or three. Don't know how it actually works... I think it has something to do with the 'World Trees' or something like that. That being said, the Ootsutsuki also have a knack for Space-Time-techniques, obviously.
Anyways, they also have naturally absurdly high life spans. For real, some of them lived for over a millennium WITHOUT the extra chakra 'donated' by the 'World Trees'. Probably has something to do with their overdeveloped chakra network...
Speaking of the chakra network: It almost replaces the normal blood network. Heck, the chakra is so condensed that, if I were wounded, it would flow out as a liquid! The second heart is basically responsible for making sure that my chakra properly flows through my body.
So, what else... Every one of the members of the Ootsutsuki-clan can basically use telekinesis as soon as they... are... born...
Like, ya know... They use it to fly around... and stuff?
...
And, apparently, my brain is very, very good at processing thoughts. I have approximately... twenty-one seconds left to find out how to give 'Gravity' a big, fat NOPE before I end up as a splatter on the ground.
Alright, I can do this. Hopefully. THEN I can grieve about my lost life and all that stuff.
At least it is the middle of the night, so no one will see me failing miserably... If this planet is actually inhabited.
POV: Third Person: Hiruzen Sarutobi
It was the twenty-first of December, 3 am in the morning, and the newly reinstated third Hokage had to stifle his yawn in order to continue his fight with all Kage's most dreaded enemy: Paperwork.
His opponent was a persistent one: Whenever the aged man had finished a stack of the white, tainted menace, it would return tenfold. Every. Time. He. Wanted. To. End. The. Day. With each signature, the leader of a military dictatorship felt his soul slowly crumbling away. With each passing second, he felt how his over the centuries trained body slowly crinkled away.
And he could do nothing about it.
Academy-curriculum, damage reports, ANBU reports... Why aren't they properly encrypted? The God of Shinobi let out a deep sigh and, against his better judgment, stared out of the window of his office. Damn it, Minato. You're supposed to sit here and do my job."
The aged man glanced tiredly at the full moon as it hung in the night's sky and took a puff of his pipe. His gaze wandered from rooftops over empty seeming streets to the various construction sites. A smoke-filled sigh escaped his mouth. Just what exactly happened on that day, Minato?
The head of the Sarutobi-clan didn't received an answer. Exhaling again, Hiruzen took one last glance of the village he had sworn to protect before facing his nemesis again...
Just in time to witness as something crashed through the roof and impacted with the bane of all Kage, scattering paper everywhere. Only a fracture of a second later, all the hidden ANBU operatives materialized themselves around the new addition of the room.
There, tugged into a pale, lime-green towel of sorts, floated a young...
...
"I am too old for this."
POV: Back to the kid.
Okay.
I survived. Good. I fell into someone's office. Might be good. I have a strong headache. Nor so good. There are humans staring at me...
What? I'm not a human anymore, so it should be perfectly fine to draw a line.
Four of them wear masks. They look like ninjas of sorts.
Conclusion: This planet is definitely inhabited and I broke into someone's office who is influential enough to hire them... And from the looks of the mess I made while trying to learn telekinesis within a twenty-second-timeframe (gimme some slack!)...
"I am too old for this."
Yep, I broke into the Hokage's office. It also serves as a confirmation that, yes, I was actually reincarnated into the Naruto-verse and thrown through a portal into the elemental nations. Furthermore, I turned gravity off. And I don't even have a name yet. Worship me! Bathe within my radiating awesomeness!
Yea... I am so dead.
So... let's get a good look at the current situation.
I am currently drifting through the air since gravity is not allowed to touch me anymore. From the looks the old man gives me, a baby slowly floating through the air is something no one normally sees within their normal lifespan. Well, there are 'firsts' for everone.
Next up, the security-guards: They are all on edge. (Surprise!) Especially one of them, the one with the... cat mask? They all look the same to me, so I call them all cats... Well, that one looks more like a crocodile... NO, cats! They are ALL cats!
Somewhere further back, the Hokage - Hiruzen Sarutobi, if my past knowledge of the fictional universe is correct - takes some shots from his pipe and smokes with seemingly no care in the world, but his eyes betrays his irritation. After all, I fell right on top of his desk and scattered all the to-be-signed papers across the room.
What else... Hmm...
Is it normal to make contact with an extraterrestrial being? Hmm... Nah, doesn't really matter. I'll just keep slowly floatin' around, bounce away from the walls, the ceiling, the desk and all that, all the while giggling like the child I am supposed to be. I then just have to look at them with the puppy-dog-eyes no jutsu activated - something EVERY child should be able to do since birth - and all that is left then is to stick someone's finger, nose or ear into my mouth... Or, as an alternative, play headcrab and try to eat their brainzzz...
Braaaiiinzzz...
Wait, that's something only zombies do, right?
On the other hand, I am a zombie... sort of... right?
A reincarnated, soon-to-be ninja-zombie from space! Yea, that sounds exactly like a basic character-outline for a bad piece of fiction. I like it.
Too bad I can't write about it.
Ah, there's an ear! Gimme that ear!
What are ya lookin' at me? I'm a child now! Let me act like one! I have a major case of PTSD to repress!
... Am I still think-talking to invisible persons? Apparently.
"Ho-Hokage-sama, what are we s-supposed to do w-with t-the intruder?" the crocodile-cat had a hard time to stay professional. Tends to happen when one's right ear slowly get's introduced to alien-saliva (Eeeaaarzzz). Also, I'm floating at an awkward angle right next to him.
Another person with a bird-cat-mask seemed to be very hard pressed to not burst out in laughter. Even professionally and brutally trained operatives of the black-ops tend to lose their professionalism when they are confronted with overly bizarre situations - in this case an alien infant from space sucking on an operative's ear while giving gravity the finger.
"Hokage-sama, what ha-"
Aaand more people burst into the room... Is that Maito Gai... Might Guy... Brushier Brows-Sensei? Gods, he looks awkward. And... is that Kakashi? What's a Hyuuga doing here? Don't they all have better things to do? Heck, it's dark outside!
They all look at me. I look back.
The Hokage sighed. He dropped his shoulders as he slumped back into his office chair. "As you can see, I'll have to attend another council meeting later on. If you excuse me, I have 'important' documents to sign. Leave the... visitor here for now."
Wow, barely a few minutes old and I already made someone's day really, really miserable. And considering the glare the lone Hyuuga gives me, I'll be dead before the end of the day.
Might as well take a nap.
Author Notes
*Silent disposal of the evidence*
So, I hope I didn't failed with my attempt of writing a pathetic death.
I don't really know how I would react to my brain being electrocuted, dying, being reborn into some kind of alien and then thrown through a random rift in Time-Space. My entire thought process would probably freeze simply at an OH SH*T and then I would end as a splatter on the ground. Otherwise... In a world where everyone and everything could kill you with one of his/hers/its lower intestinal winds and I was an extraterrestrial child with psychic powers, I would probably act like written above: Like a cute, cuddly and, most importantly, completely innocent child that sticks everything into the mouth to make everyone uncomfortable.
Well, next up:
I'll probably introduce the new addition to the Hyuuga clan. One can only guess how the stoic clan would react to an alien-child with their prized Dojutsu. Not to mention Danzo (Danzoo? Danzou? I go with Danzo).
So, other matters:
Did I make the SI already OP by giving her (him... me... whatever) psychic powers and the ability to eat chakra? Probably, but feel free to write what your heart desires. I love criticism, ideas, helpful hands and cookies. Especially cookies.
And yes, I like to pretend that I am insane.
Thank you for reading my ramble. See ya next time.