AUTHOR'S NOTE: CHARACTERS ARE NOT MINE! They belong to some Australians.

CHAPTER ONE

One fine day in Australia, Shazza and Ty were in front of Shazza's house. Shazza was putting some shrimp on the barbie while Ty was relaxing on the hammock, talking to his friend Maurie on his cellphone.

"G'day, mate!" said Ty. "It sure is boring around here. Nothing's happened at all since we got home from our vacation in the Alice. What? That ugly old hag who works at the gas station wants to know where your car keys are? Tell her it's none of her bizzo."

While this was going on, Boss Cass, the ugly, evil cassowary, was looking at them behind a bush.

"All right, mate. Now I'm gonna balls up their fun by kidnapping Shazza and making her Tony Abbott's sex slave." said Cass.

Things hadn't been going to well. Cass was going through hard times due to the global recession, and now he was working as a hitman for Tony Abbott, that disgusting, racist speedo-wearing old fart.

"Oh, possum," said Shazza. "Ever since you got that cellphone, you've been one it nonstop. You've been using it in bed, during brekky, even in the bogger."

Suddenly, there was a strange noise.

"What was that?" asked Shazza.

Ty looked up.

"I'll call you back," he said to Maurie, and hung up.

"I reckon it's Boss Cass up to no good, mate!" said Ty. "Maybe he's trying to kidnap you and make you date Julia Gillard."

"Ew," said Shazza. "I can't date Julia Gillard! Julia Gillard's a lesbian. I'm 100% hetero. I prefer hot dogs to artichoke stuffed with tuna."

"Artichoke stuffed with tuna? Who eats that?" asked Ty. "Anyway, I think he might be spying on us for that budgie smuggler-wearing piece of shit Tony Abbott."

"You're right," said Shazza.

"That overgrown turkey's up to no good, I know it!" said Ty.

Then, suddenly, a giant claw came out of nowhere and grabbed Shazza.

"Shazza!" said Ty.

"He's got me!" screamed Shazza.

Boss Cass jumped out the bushes.

"Now I've got you, and now I can bring you back to Tony Abbott, who will experiment on you." said Cass.

"You let her go, you plonko!" said Ty.

"Never!" said Cass. "Or Tony will get his Aussie lifesavers to kill you and we'll dine on your thylacine head, you cunt!"

Ty hated Aussie lifesavers, those stupid, speedo-wearing assholes whose pastimes include doing drugs and being racist towards Lebanese people. This made him so mad that he lunged at Boss Cass and tried to break his beak, but to no avail.

Shazza screamed as Cass' giant claw grabbed her and banged her against the ground.

"Stop!" said Ty. Then he turned to the wicked cassowary. "If she ends up injured, I swear I'll fucking cut you!"

Boss Cass threw Shazza in his jeep, bound and gagged her, and drove off.

"Shazza!" said Ty. "Don't worry, I'll come get you!" Ty ran after the jeep, but as jeeps are much faster than Tasmanian tigers, Ty couldn't get to Shazza fast enough. Still, he wouldn't give up. He was going to save Shazza no matter what!

While Boss Cass was driving away, he called Tony Abbott on his cellphone.

"G'day, Mr. Abbott," said Cass.

"Did you get the girl?" said Tony Abbott.

"I sure got that dingo bitch," said Cass. "Now I'll bring her back to you so you can torture her and do other misogynistic things to her."

"Excellent," Tony Abbott said like Mr. Burns from The Simpsons. We get a view of Tony Abbott sitting on his throne. He is wearing nothing but a red speedo. He laughed cruelly and maniacally. He then addressed his speedo-wearing bogan lifesavers. "Go guard the prisons. And once Shazza gets here, torture her."

Will Ty get to Shazza in time? Stay tuned for the next chapter.

Do ya like it, mate? Please review!