red dwarf
The Sir Smagsalot Chronicles
BY: Ichiji Kipa
Characters
Rimmer
A hologram from Earth, he died on the red dwarf, and was recreated in hologram form with his old memory. Well known for being dissed on for obvious reasons, he is definately the funniest part of the show!
Lister
Another earthling, this potty mouth, annoying, and sometimes crude man is a dire crew member of the red dwarf. He somehow survived the attack on red dwarf that killed Rimmer. The way he survived was that he snuck a cat on board the ship, which was against the rules, and got put in a chriogenic chamber, whick left him young over the million years taht the red dwarf was in it's deserted "grave".
Cat
The super evolved humanoid cat. This cat, who acts much like a night club member, is very annoying, and thinks a lot of himself! The spawn of Hercules, the cat snuck on by Lister over a million years ago, this guy's been living on the ship his whole life.
Kraiton
Kraiton is the data collector of the marooned crew. This old model robot was considered inaficiant by his creators, and left as scrap on an alien planet. Though Kraiton is sometimes annoying, his extreme intelligance causwes him to be a very important crew member.
Ichiji
A differant computer form the show, i decided to change the computer's name to make it a more personalized fic. This computer system is a slow witted, and often times flighty computer.
CONTENTS
chapter 1:
Sir Smagsalot
chapter 2:
Sir Smagsalot's Demise
chapter 3:
The Way Home
CHAPTER 1
SIR SMAGSALOT
"What the smag is going on out there?!" shouted Lister, not knowing what the storm on the outside of the bugg 3 ship was all about.
"How the bloody smagg should I know?! Do I look like Kraiton?" yelled Rimmer, looking at Kraiton to keep anyone from expecting an answer from him.
"Now, captain Rimmer, do I need to bring out the holowhip, or should we poke fun at your tremendous lack of..." he was soon cut of by Rimmer to keep him from further imbarasment.
"Hey look, it's the surface, prepare to land Ichiji!" Rimmer commanded, desperately trying to change the subject.
As the ship was aproaching the surface of the future planet Earth, A strange figure came out of the forest. He was riding on a stead armored with a cyborg suit made for horses. The figure looked like the inquisitor, but wore metal, instead of storm trooper like plastic. The cyborg looked like he meant buisiness, and had as long, bloody sword, scarred with the many battles before. As the Bugg aproached ever closer, the brighter red his eyes got, and he began to charge, not by ground but by air?
"We've been landing for a half a smagging hour Kraiton, now just land the bloody ship!" shouted Lister, as he batted the droid in the back of the head.
"I am doing the best I can Mister Lister. It is very important to land the ship evenly, prevent a bumpy landing, speaking of which..." he was interupted as Lister pushed him aside and quickly landed the ship, not so perfectly though. The ship fell over on it's side, spilling Cat out of the ship.
"What the crap is dat thang? Look like a dangflyin' horse or somthin'" Cat said to himself, as he saw the strange armored man flying at the ship with his light lance pointed straight forward. Cat imediately realized that this could mean trouble, went back into the ship and shouted "Hey guys, there's a wierd dude flyin' toward us, is that bad?!"
"Well I suppose it could be, but maybe he's not hostile maybe he's okay, let's check the life meter and see if the life here is hostile or not." said Kraiton, who obviously trust's too much.
"There should be no life here, perhaps he's hologram?!" said Ichiji in a computerized monotone.
"Ah great, another hologram, what's he going to do annoy us to death. Kraiton, get the holowhip." said Lister, who dosn't like holograms at all.
"That's it, I'm tired of you always making fun of us holograms, your nothing but a big, um, give me a sec, um..." Rimmer kept rambling on as Kraiton handed the holowhip to Lister.
"Here you are sir, now go out and see what he wants!" Kraiton said, then looked at Rimmer in disbelief that his slow wit still had him rambling on. "...um, give me a second..."
"What a complete smag head... Ah well, let's go kill the annoyment we have outside, then we'll deal with Rimmer, AKA the annoyment inside!" laughed Lister who was blessed by god to have an incredible large mouth. As he left, the droid came up alongside the bugg. Rimmer rolled his eyes and whispered to Kraiton "We may be attacked by a hostile almighty hologram, and our only ambassador is that smagging moron!"
The crew looked outside, Lister was speaking to the droid and everything looked like it was running smoothly. Lister shook his head, and the droid shot him with a proton laser. A burst of light lit up the whole side of the bugg! The door opened, and a charred Lister ran in quickly, then said "He's pretty hostile!"
"Well serves you right, you are a complete smaghead, who dosn't know how ambassat, ambasaty, whatever. Just let me talk..." Rimmer said on his way out the door.
"Don't you want the holowhip sir?" Kraiton shouted, but Rimmer just waved his hand, indicating that he really didn't want it. The door opened, and another burst of light shined in the buggs windows, and Rimmer quickly popped back in, charred with the same darkness as Lister.
"He's got a hololaser, ah samg..." Rimmer said, as he passed out on the floor. Lister passed out right on top of him, and Cat couldn't help but say "If you can't beat em, join em.." then passed out. The droid flew off on his horse, and Kraiton started the bugg for a chase.
CHAPTER 2
SIR SMAGSALOT'S DEMISE
The bugg zipped in the air, perfectly tailing the enemy droid, who had about a fifty foot lead on the charred crew. Kraiton had talked Cat into waking up, and helping the two idiots on the ground to revive. "Wake up dudes, the robot want you to kill the hologram droid dude!" the Cat said, trying not to look too un-cool. When they came to, Kraito told them "He's a droid, right, so that means that he has a main power source, all we have to do is find it, and deactivate, but we need someone stupid to..." he was interupted by Lister.
"Who are we going to get who is actally that smagging stupid, he'd have to be as stupid as a... CAT!" Lister said, as Cat was in the corner, chomping on an old pickled eye from Kraiton's minilab in the back of the bugg.
"MMM-MM, this pickled egg is delicious, oh, wait not me, nooo." said Cat, but the next thing he knew, he was in the middle of a field with the droid, and the droid was not happy, since the bug was in the right in front of his bio castle.
"You, where did your friends go?! I want to know right now." the angry droid shouted evily. The others had entered the bio castle, and were making their way through the maze of bloody walls. The corpses of others who had tried to kill the droid were also on the walls, hanging with chains. As they aproached the center dome of the castle, they saw the main switch board, and a button that said 'WILL NOT KILL DROID, DO NOT TOUCH!', they all had the same look on their face, and Lister said "Well that's the worst smagging attempt to through someone of that I have ever heard." He reached out and touched the button. On the surface, the Cat was still trying to hold the droid off, saying stupid things, that he thought made sense. Then, the droid's armor fell off, revealing a hologram that resembled Rimmer, the hologram then shouted "They touched the smagging button, they touched it, that was my favorite cyber suit too, bloody ell, now I have to kill them." The hologram then dug a hole straight down, he only had to dig three feet until he hit the center dome of the castle, and then dropped down. Cat jumped into the hole, blindly, he fell to the floor, knocking him unconchious instantly.
"ARE YOU THE GUYS THAT HIT THE BUTTON!?" the hologram said, then attacked them all. Each blow took them down to the ground, and they all bleeded in a hunorously pressurized way. Cat came to, and saw a flashing red button.
"Wow, that's is one pretty button, what does this note say, WILL KI-IL K- IL, I can't read, what the heck am I tryin' to do, well, it's there, so I'm gonna press it!" The Cat reached out and pressed the button. A small missile shot out of the control panel, and tracked down the hologram, killing him instantly.
CHAPTER 3
THE WAY HOME
"Wow, you killed him, with your bare hands?!" said Lister in disbelief.
"Yeah, there was a couple punches, but I had him down in one blast of the holowhip, it was crazy, what a wus!" the Cat said, streching the truth a little.
"Taking off for Red Dwarf!" Kraiton shouted. As they flew off, Rimmer looked toward the camera, and his eyes started to glow!
--------------------------THE END-------------------------
The Sir Smagsalot Chronicles
BY: Ichiji Kipa
Characters
Rimmer
A hologram from Earth, he died on the red dwarf, and was recreated in hologram form with his old memory. Well known for being dissed on for obvious reasons, he is definately the funniest part of the show!
Lister
Another earthling, this potty mouth, annoying, and sometimes crude man is a dire crew member of the red dwarf. He somehow survived the attack on red dwarf that killed Rimmer. The way he survived was that he snuck a cat on board the ship, which was against the rules, and got put in a chriogenic chamber, whick left him young over the million years taht the red dwarf was in it's deserted "grave".
Cat
The super evolved humanoid cat. This cat, who acts much like a night club member, is very annoying, and thinks a lot of himself! The spawn of Hercules, the cat snuck on by Lister over a million years ago, this guy's been living on the ship his whole life.
Kraiton
Kraiton is the data collector of the marooned crew. This old model robot was considered inaficiant by his creators, and left as scrap on an alien planet. Though Kraiton is sometimes annoying, his extreme intelligance causwes him to be a very important crew member.
Ichiji
A differant computer form the show, i decided to change the computer's name to make it a more personalized fic. This computer system is a slow witted, and often times flighty computer.
CONTENTS
chapter 1:
Sir Smagsalot
chapter 2:
Sir Smagsalot's Demise
chapter 3:
The Way Home
CHAPTER 1
SIR SMAGSALOT
"What the smag is going on out there?!" shouted Lister, not knowing what the storm on the outside of the bugg 3 ship was all about.
"How the bloody smagg should I know?! Do I look like Kraiton?" yelled Rimmer, looking at Kraiton to keep anyone from expecting an answer from him.
"Now, captain Rimmer, do I need to bring out the holowhip, or should we poke fun at your tremendous lack of..." he was soon cut of by Rimmer to keep him from further imbarasment.
"Hey look, it's the surface, prepare to land Ichiji!" Rimmer commanded, desperately trying to change the subject.
As the ship was aproaching the surface of the future planet Earth, A strange figure came out of the forest. He was riding on a stead armored with a cyborg suit made for horses. The figure looked like the inquisitor, but wore metal, instead of storm trooper like plastic. The cyborg looked like he meant buisiness, and had as long, bloody sword, scarred with the many battles before. As the Bugg aproached ever closer, the brighter red his eyes got, and he began to charge, not by ground but by air?
"We've been landing for a half a smagging hour Kraiton, now just land the bloody ship!" shouted Lister, as he batted the droid in the back of the head.
"I am doing the best I can Mister Lister. It is very important to land the ship evenly, prevent a bumpy landing, speaking of which..." he was interupted as Lister pushed him aside and quickly landed the ship, not so perfectly though. The ship fell over on it's side, spilling Cat out of the ship.
"What the crap is dat thang? Look like a dangflyin' horse or somthin'" Cat said to himself, as he saw the strange armored man flying at the ship with his light lance pointed straight forward. Cat imediately realized that this could mean trouble, went back into the ship and shouted "Hey guys, there's a wierd dude flyin' toward us, is that bad?!"
"Well I suppose it could be, but maybe he's not hostile maybe he's okay, let's check the life meter and see if the life here is hostile or not." said Kraiton, who obviously trust's too much.
"There should be no life here, perhaps he's hologram?!" said Ichiji in a computerized monotone.
"Ah great, another hologram, what's he going to do annoy us to death. Kraiton, get the holowhip." said Lister, who dosn't like holograms at all.
"That's it, I'm tired of you always making fun of us holograms, your nothing but a big, um, give me a sec, um..." Rimmer kept rambling on as Kraiton handed the holowhip to Lister.
"Here you are sir, now go out and see what he wants!" Kraiton said, then looked at Rimmer in disbelief that his slow wit still had him rambling on. "...um, give me a second..."
"What a complete smag head... Ah well, let's go kill the annoyment we have outside, then we'll deal with Rimmer, AKA the annoyment inside!" laughed Lister who was blessed by god to have an incredible large mouth. As he left, the droid came up alongside the bugg. Rimmer rolled his eyes and whispered to Kraiton "We may be attacked by a hostile almighty hologram, and our only ambassador is that smagging moron!"
The crew looked outside, Lister was speaking to the droid and everything looked like it was running smoothly. Lister shook his head, and the droid shot him with a proton laser. A burst of light lit up the whole side of the bugg! The door opened, and a charred Lister ran in quickly, then said "He's pretty hostile!"
"Well serves you right, you are a complete smaghead, who dosn't know how ambassat, ambasaty, whatever. Just let me talk..." Rimmer said on his way out the door.
"Don't you want the holowhip sir?" Kraiton shouted, but Rimmer just waved his hand, indicating that he really didn't want it. The door opened, and another burst of light shined in the buggs windows, and Rimmer quickly popped back in, charred with the same darkness as Lister.
"He's got a hololaser, ah samg..." Rimmer said, as he passed out on the floor. Lister passed out right on top of him, and Cat couldn't help but say "If you can't beat em, join em.." then passed out. The droid flew off on his horse, and Kraiton started the bugg for a chase.
CHAPTER 2
SIR SMAGSALOT'S DEMISE
The bugg zipped in the air, perfectly tailing the enemy droid, who had about a fifty foot lead on the charred crew. Kraiton had talked Cat into waking up, and helping the two idiots on the ground to revive. "Wake up dudes, the robot want you to kill the hologram droid dude!" the Cat said, trying not to look too un-cool. When they came to, Kraito told them "He's a droid, right, so that means that he has a main power source, all we have to do is find it, and deactivate, but we need someone stupid to..." he was interupted by Lister.
"Who are we going to get who is actally that smagging stupid, he'd have to be as stupid as a... CAT!" Lister said, as Cat was in the corner, chomping on an old pickled eye from Kraiton's minilab in the back of the bugg.
"MMM-MM, this pickled egg is delicious, oh, wait not me, nooo." said Cat, but the next thing he knew, he was in the middle of a field with the droid, and the droid was not happy, since the bug was in the right in front of his bio castle.
"You, where did your friends go?! I want to know right now." the angry droid shouted evily. The others had entered the bio castle, and were making their way through the maze of bloody walls. The corpses of others who had tried to kill the droid were also on the walls, hanging with chains. As they aproached the center dome of the castle, they saw the main switch board, and a button that said 'WILL NOT KILL DROID, DO NOT TOUCH!', they all had the same look on their face, and Lister said "Well that's the worst smagging attempt to through someone of that I have ever heard." He reached out and touched the button. On the surface, the Cat was still trying to hold the droid off, saying stupid things, that he thought made sense. Then, the droid's armor fell off, revealing a hologram that resembled Rimmer, the hologram then shouted "They touched the smagging button, they touched it, that was my favorite cyber suit too, bloody ell, now I have to kill them." The hologram then dug a hole straight down, he only had to dig three feet until he hit the center dome of the castle, and then dropped down. Cat jumped into the hole, blindly, he fell to the floor, knocking him unconchious instantly.
"ARE YOU THE GUYS THAT HIT THE BUTTON!?" the hologram said, then attacked them all. Each blow took them down to the ground, and they all bleeded in a hunorously pressurized way. Cat came to, and saw a flashing red button.
"Wow, that's is one pretty button, what does this note say, WILL KI-IL K- IL, I can't read, what the heck am I tryin' to do, well, it's there, so I'm gonna press it!" The Cat reached out and pressed the button. A small missile shot out of the control panel, and tracked down the hologram, killing him instantly.
CHAPTER 3
THE WAY HOME
"Wow, you killed him, with your bare hands?!" said Lister in disbelief.
"Yeah, there was a couple punches, but I had him down in one blast of the holowhip, it was crazy, what a wus!" the Cat said, streching the truth a little.
"Taking off for Red Dwarf!" Kraiton shouted. As they flew off, Rimmer looked toward the camera, and his eyes started to glow!
--------------------------THE END-------------------------