Worth It
By Misha
Disclaimer- I don't own any of the characters of "Instant Star" (if I did do you think she'd be fifteen?), I don't know who does, but it's not me and I'm not making any money off this, so don't sue me.
Author's Notes- What can I say, I'm totally on an "Instant Star" kick and the show doesn't even officially start for a few months. This is another Tommy/Jude piece, because despite the fact that I think it's wrong, I totally love that pairing. This is a companion to "Wrong" and is set in what is fast becoming a whole universe of Tommy/Jude stories. What can I say, I write what I'm inspired to write. Well, that's all, enjoy.
Pairing- Tommy/Jude.
Summery- She knows that's it wrong and stupid and that it could lead to disaster, but part of her also thinks it's worth it.
Rating- PG-13
Despite what Tommy thinks, Jude does have her doubts.
When she's all by herself, which is rare these days, she lets herself think about how stupid it is. How dangerous.
She knows that if it comes out, they'll both get in big trouble. Her mom already hates her singing, thinks it's getting her into deep, if she knew about Tommy then she'd make Jude quit and her father wouldn't be able to help her, besides he'd freak too.
But Jude only thinks like that when she's alone.
When she's with other people, she tells herself she needs him, because he understands her. When she's with him, she doesn't let herself dwell on the problems.
She sees him watching her in the studio sometimes and knows the thought of ending it crosses his mind. During those times, she'll shoot him a private smile, one that speaks of all the things that can't be said in public and knows that he won't do it.
Not yet anyway, because he's as caught up in this thing between them as she is. They never talk about it, about the realities of their situation.
Their time alone is so rare, so precious, that neither of them can bare the idea of letting real life intrude.
They talk about it a little bit, about the rules, about how they can't let anyone know. They talk about the lies they have to tell to make it work. But that's it. Anything more would be too much, it would ruin their fragile facade.
In the studio, she feels him watching her and sings for him. A lot of her singing is for him these days.
Her songs have always come from inside her and now they come from a different place, a place that Tommy awakened in her. She knows she's too young for Tommy, but she doesn't feel too young.
She doesn't feel like she's sixteen, she feels like her youth faded away somewhere in the ever constant parade of gigs and media interviews. Faded even before her first time in Tommy's bed.
Her mother would kill her if she knew the truth, that Jude was sleeping with Tommy, had been for months.
She remembered how much her mother freaked after that first tabloid article, back when their relationship was innocent. She'd lose it for sure if she knew that now it was real. But she won't, she can't.
They do a good job of hiding it, of pretending to the world that they're nothing but producer and artist. Well, producer and artist with some friendship thrown in, but nothing more.
The tabloids still write about the two of them, still insinuate that they're more than friends, but since they've been doing since day one, no one pays it any mind now.
Of course, Jude has a harder time laughing it off than she did in the beginning, because in the back of her mind, she's always wondering if this is. If this is the time they'll be exposed.
She doesn't worry about that as often as she should. When she's around Tommy it's hard to worry.
It's hard to even think straight when she's with him, all she can do is look at him and drink him in. After all Tom Quincy is hot and he's all hers, even if no one can know.
It's hard in public, when all she can do is look at him and pretend everything is normal.
She's so close to her goal. She's become a real singer, people know her name, they like her music. Somehow she did it and Tommy is such a big part of that.
He's helped her so much. She knows that without him, she wouldn't be where she is now. He's brought out the best in her.
She's knows that he's worried that he'll ruin it for her. He tells her that sometimes as she lays in his arms, that he's afraid he'll tarnish her image. After all, he's seven years older than her, he's been married and divorced, he's made a lot of mistakes. And he's still a tabloid favorite.
She just laughs and tells him that she doesn't care if her image is tarnished, she doesn't want to be the sweet girlie girl anyway, that's not her.
She doesn't want to be sugar-sweet pop princess, it's not her schtick. She's more the edgy, artsy type.
Eden once called her the "sad girl with a guitar" and maybe that is her thing, she knows that it works for her in a way that being the really good girl couldn't.
Besides, she can't play that role because it's not her. After all, good girls don't sleep with their producers. But, who wants to be a good girl anyway, the bad girls have more fun.
Not that she's a bad girl either, she doesn't have the energy for that. No, she's somewhere in between, she's not sure exactly where.
Sometimes, Jude catches Tommy watching Jamie watch her. She knows he feels guilty, that he thinks that if he wasn't in the picture, she'd be with Jamie.
She doesn't think that's the case. She knew Jamie way before she knew Tommy and she never had feelings of that kind for him. In fact, she had never had romantic feelings for anyone until Tommy.
Of course, it's possible that if there was no Tommy, she would have developed feelings for Jamie. She can't be sure.
She knows that she feels bad about Jamie, that she almost wishes that she could love him, because it would certainly be easier. If she was with Jamie, there'd be no lies, no secrets, no sneaking around.
It'd all be easier.
But it's not what she wants. She can't even imagine being with Jamie, because then she wouldn't be with Tommy.
Being with Tommy isn't easy, but it's the only thing she wants. Tommy touches some part of her that no one does. He teaches her so much about herself and he helps make her music better.
The stuff she wrote before she met Tommy was good, good enough to help her win the Instant Star competition, but the stuff they wrote together, is in a whole other league.
She writes beautiful music now and a large part of that because of Tommy. She wouldn't give up that for anything, besides she can't make herself feel what she doesn't.
Jamie's her friend, she loves him in her own way, but she can't imagine being with him the way she is with Tommy. The idea of Jamie's hands on her body, his lips pressed against hers, creeps her out.
She just can't picture a scenario where that wouldn't be wrong. Of course, a lot of people would say that about her and Tommy, but it feels so right to her.
It's been right since the first moment.
Way back when, during life before Instant Star, she had never imagined that she'd lose her virginity at fifteen to her twenty-two year old producer.
But she didn't imagine a lot of what her life entailed now. The parties, the people, the media. None of it ever crossed her mind.
Oh, she imagined what it would be like once she made it, imagined fame. But mainly she concentrated on the thought of being able to make a living making music.
That was all she wanted and it's the part that makes everything else worth it. That and Tommy, he's the most stable thing in the messed up world that she got thrust into.
So, even if he is a former boy-band star and their relationship isn't what she expected her first serious romance to be, she wouldn't change it for anything.
She remembers her horror the first time she kissed him, how mortified she was to discover that she liked "Little Tommy Q".
Back then Tommy only saw her as a kid, she knows that, but somehow that changed quickly. She doesn't know how or when, but she'll never forget the moment they changed.
They were working on a song and they kissed and from that moment, the world spun out of control.
Jude knows her mother would kill her if she found out. All along she thought that something like this would happen, that Jude would get in over her head and she was right.
Not that Jude's about to tell her mother that and not that she thinks of it as a mistake, the way her mother would. No, she knows what's she doing is what's right for her.
She knows that Tommy thinks she's growing up too fast and she probably is. But she also knows that it was bound to happen and it's one Hell of a rush.
Sometimes, she regrets what she's missing out on. She's not your typical sixteen year old, but it's a small price to pay to live her dream.
When she's done at the studio, she often goes home with Sadie or with Jamie, but sometimes Tommy casually mentions that he wants to work on a new song and that they should go somewhere to go do that.
Those are the days she loves best.
Everyone accepts that at face value, because since that first day at the pier, she and Tommy have worked best outside of the studio. So no one sees anything out of the ordinary when he suggests that they go somewhere to write, not even her mother.
On those occasions, they do work on lyrics, but most of the time when they do, they're laying together in his bed, their limbs tangled together. She doesn't think her mother would approve.
But, that doesn't bother her, she loves those moments. After they've made love, and they're close so physically and like one mentally.
Some of their best songs have come at such times.
Tommy once told her that writing a song is like falling in love. She understands that now and knows that her music is better because she's fallen in love.
It comes from a place deep inside of her that she couldn't touch before and the music's more raw, more powerful. She's not a little girl anymore, she's a woman and she sings like it.
She's always terrified that people will pick up on that, on the depth and maturity in her music now and figure out where it comes from.
But so far they're safe, even though everyone does comment on the change, no one seems to suspect what caused it.
Jude knows their luck won't hold on forever.
You can't hide something that big for too long before people figure it out. Either they've got to get out when they can or it's going to blow up in their faces.
She knows that she won't be able to end it and doubts that Tommy will be able to, so that means sooner or later it's all going to come out.
The thought frightens her, but not enough for her to give him up. She's not that strong, besides she wants him too much.
So all she can do is sit back and let it takes it course. She knows that she's set for almost certain disaster, but she's willing to take that chance to have what she has with Tommy.
She knows that in the end it could, and might very well, destroy her, but she's young enough and naive enough to think it's worth it.
The End