One Kisses Changes Everything
By Misha
Disclaimer- I don't own any of the characters of "Instant Star" (if I did do you think she'd be fifteen?), I don't know who does, but it's not me and I'm not making any money off this, so don't sue me.
Author's Notes- Okay, this turned out way different then when I started it. This is dark and kind of twisted. I meant it for to be angst, but it just took on a life of it's own. I've had a weird fascination for present tense lately, so that's how this is written. It's also written in second person, another new fascination. It's kind of Jude/Tommy, but in a darker, more depressing way than usual. It's not a happy fic. It's also set sometime in the future, after Jude has turned 16. That said, enjoy!
Pairing- Tommy/Jude, some Jamie/Jude.
Summery- One kiss can change so much...
Spoilers- General spoilers, I guess. The first couple episodes, really.
Rating- PG-13
The first time you and Jamie kiss, you let him kiss you.
He gives you a ride home from the studio and he leans over and kisses you. You let him, just to see what it feels like.
You don't like Jamie like that, you made it clear to him months ago when he first mentioned it, but you let him kiss you anyway.
You want to know how it compares to Tommy's kisses, since this one isn't forbidden. You're allowed to kiss Jamie.
You're disappointed to find it doesn't rate at all, but then you really didn't think that it would.
Jamie isn't Tommy, after all, no matter how much you want him to be. No matter how much easier that would be.
The night of your first kiss with Jamie, you sneak out of the house and meet Tommy. He takes you to his place and makes love to you.
For a moment, you think about telling him about Jamie and the kiss. Then, you decide not to mention it.
After all, in the grand scheme, it doesn't rate.
Yet, surprisingly, you can't stop thinking about it, even now when you're in Tommy's arms.
You're not ready to admit, even to yourself, that Tommy's touch sometimes frightens you. It's insistent, experienced, demanding.
He'd never hurt you, you know that, but he still scares you sometimes.
Tommy's a grown man and he treats you like a woman, something that excites you, but terrifies you at the same time.
Because deep down, you're not sure you're ready for this.
The second time you and Jamie kiss, you kiss him.
It's after a performance.
You and Tommy have a big fight before you go on stage and it actually helps you sing better. You pour all your anger and frustration into it.
But you still aren't ready to see Tommy, to make-up. You're still angry, so you have Jamie take you home, even though Tommy was supposed to.
Nowadays, Tommy often drives you home, you usually take advantage of the rare chance to be alone. But you can't be around Tommy right now.
Later, you'll realize that's the reason, you're kissing Jamie.
Because, for an instant, you hope to find something there. Something easier than what you have with Tommy.
But, really, all you find is trouble.
That night, you sneak out and take the car.
One of the advantages of being sixteen, it's a little bit easier to conduct an illicit relationship when you can drive.
You drive to Tommy's, half-afraid that he won't be there.
It was a pretty brutal fight after all, and you're always a little bit scared that he's going to lose interest and find someone else.
But, he is there and you make up. You don't tell you about the kiss, either of them.
Instead, you make love with him and revel in the feel of him. Of his hands against your body, his mouth against yours, searching, demanding.
Jamie's touch isn't like that, it's sweet and gentle. But it doesn't make you burn.
But if it did, then you probably wouldn't be curled up in Tommy's bed. You're there because you don't want something sweet and kind.
You want to burn, to feel alive.
After the second kiss, things change between you and Jamie.
You know he wants a chance and you feel guilty for letting him think, even for a moment, that he might have one.
You feel guilty about a lot of things.
You never used to play people, but now you're starting to. You're doing things that you hate in other people and you see it, but you don't stop.
You feel confused about Tommy.
He makes you feel alive, but you know the relationship has a lot standing in it's way. Like the fact that you're sixteen and still a girl, while he's twenty-three and no longer a boy.
It doesn't matter when you're together, but when you're apart, you think about it all the time.
You know the relationship is wrong, but you don't know how to end it. You don't even know if you really want to end it.
The third time you and Jamie kiss, it's not sweet and gentle.
It's full of anger and frustration.
You've just blown him off again and he finally snaps. You're surprised that's it taken him so long. You think you would have gotten fed up long ago, because, after all if you're being honest, then you've been a bitch.
He demands that you finally make a decision and stop playing him. You pause, unsure what to say and that's when he kisses you.
It's a deep kiss. It's feels almost like he's trying to force you to return his feelings.
It's a nice kiss, but it still doesn't move you. It doesn't make you melt, the way Tommy's kisses have from the very beginning.
"You don't feel anything do you?" Jamie asks, once the kiss is done.
"I'm sorry." You whisper and you truly are. Sorry for so many things.
"No, I'm sorry." He replies, then he looks at you. "Who are you, Jude?"
"What do you mean?" You ask, but you think you already know.
"You're not the same Jude, I used to know." He replies. "You've changed and not in a good way."
You know he's right, but the truth always hurts.
So you lash out at him in anger. You say things that you shouldn't. Truly hurtful things.
You regret them the second you say them, you hate yourself for the look on Jamie's face as he walks away.
But it's too late to take them back, the damage has already been done.
You go to Tommy that night.
You almost don't, because you're not sure you want to see him and that surprises you. But you go, because he's the only rock you have.
You don't tell him what happened, just that you and Jamie had a huge fight. You hate lying to TOmmy, since he's the only person you aren't already lying to.
But you know that the truth would not go over well.
So, instead you let him comfort you and tell you it'll be all right, when you know that it won't be. Too much has happened.
You've done too much.
Jamie was right, you did change and you're not sure you like the person you've become.
But you can't say any of that to Tommy, so you just lose yourself in his embrace, like always.
But this time, it doesn't feel the way it usually does. For the first time, it feels wrong.
You and Jamie don't make up.
But then, you didn't really think you would.
Some things just can't be taken back, no matter how matter you might wish they could be.
Losing Jamie hurts more than you ever imagined that it would. You start to wish that you could return his feelings, because you think it would have been best for everyone.
You start to wonder what you're doing with Tommy.
It's starting to lose the thrill it once had. His touch can still make you burn, but it's no longer everything. You're starting to question whether it's worth everything that's happened.
Do you love him? Did you ever?
You honestly don't know and it frightens you.
You lost Jamie and you know you can't get him back, so you feel you should hang onto Tommy. But do you really want him? Six months ago, you would have thought the answer was easy.
But so much has changed.
It all changed with that first kiss with Jamie. If only you could go back.
But the question is, if you could, which would you prevent? That first kiss with Jamie or that first real kiss with Tommy?
The End