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02. Better
On the day she kills a man, Hermione thinks of Draco Malfoy for the first time since Dumbledore's death.
It is two in the morning and she is on her bed awake with guilt. She does not realize that Ginny is awake until she hears soft sobs that are not her own. She turns away because she does not want to see Ginny's pain, nor does she want Ginny to see hers.
Hermione closes her eyes and wills herself to sleep but all she remembers is the darkness of the night and death all around her. The mission was supposed to be easy; collect information, Obliviate and return. She had been with Ginny, Neville, Dean and Luna and they were to look for a man who held information as to where another of Voldemort's Horcruxes might be. There was little chance of an encounter with Death Eaters but missions do not always go as planned.
They were surrounded and Hermione knows that they did not stand a chance, outnumbered and scattered as they were. She is a second away from signalling for Apparition before she realizes it is useless. Death Eaters had already started firing curses and hexes. Hermione knows that to duel head-on with wizards who do not hesitate to use Unforgivables will only likely kill her, and her friends know this too. But you cannot run forever and Hermione thinks of this as she sees Luna on her knees as the younger girl is hit with the Cruciatus curse. Hermione runs to her but knows she is too late. Luna dies with a flash of green light with Hermione three steps behind her.
Hermione knows hundreds of spells, hexes and curses but she cannot think of anything but Avada Kedavra when she sees Luna's murderer in front of her. She is quick to know that if she does not kill him, he will be her murderer as well. Hermione does not think of the more likely possibility of her capture because she knows fully well what happens in war prisons. She has made the decision long ago to choose death over torture and rape.
She is surprised at how easily the Killing Curse rolls off her tongue and a moment later, the Death Eater is lifeless on the ground. It had been seconds later, but to Hermione it felt like hours and hours, when Ginny, Neville and Dean had found her and Luna and she is back in 12 Grimmauld Place. For a moment, Hermione is disoriented and forgets that Luna is dead and she is now a murderer.
She is a killer. Hermione wants to laugh at how absurd it is but she knows that she did not hesitate in uttering the Killing Curse. She feels like she is less human. She remembers Draco Malfoy and how he could not kill Dumbledore and she is suddenly angry.
She knows it is wrong but Hermione has always thought she was better than him, better than his petty insults on her person, better than his childish taunts and better than his bigotry and prejudice. He is cruel and callous and Hermione cannot understand how she could have killed a man so effortlessly while Draco Malfoy could not find it in him to do the same. She cannot accept that Draco Malfoy had more heart than her.
Hermione is suddenly filled with the irrational urge to see Malfoy wherever the hell he was. She wants to tell him that she had no choice and that she is still more of a person than he will ever be. She has always been good and loyal and Luna was dead in front of her and she was about to die. Yes, she had no choice. She has blood on her hands but she did it for her friend and that makes her better than Draco. Hermione is more than Draco will ever be because she is a Gryffindor through and through, loyal and brave and what is Draco but the worst of all Slytherins and a coward too.
It is nearly time for breakfast when Hermione falls asleep, convincing herself to believe what she knows isn't true.