A/N: YEAHHH my first angst-y fanfic :)) Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own South Park. Matt and Trey do!

"No matter what, I'll never leave your side"

That is what he whispered to me, all of those times we would lie in bed together. His arms wrapped around my shoulders, my arms greedily clutched around his waist, never wanting to let go. He would always nestle his head deep into my neck, whispering those words.

I never really understood what he was saying. He always told me how he couldn't die and how no one ever realized it. I guess he was talking about me too, I had never seen him die before, but he told me I've seen him shot, decapitated, and crushed. Most would not believe their boyfriend if they said something as exaggerated as that, but I know, that Ken would never lie to me. I trust him with all of my heart. Well, I trusted him. He's here no more.

Ken, do you still remember our first kiss? I do.

I remember the feeling of drinking for the first time, the way the beer felt sloshing into my mouth. The memory of how at first the taste disgusted me is still fresh in my brain, but that taste soon became intoxicating. I couldn't seem to get enough, the more I drank, the more I wanted. Soon, I felt my whole body lightening up; it felt like I was tiptoeing on clouds. I had no control over myself. I knew I was running into walls and tripping over my own feet, but I was so out of it that I couldn't feel a thing. I could hear people laughing, but I did not give a shit. I felt myself slowly drift over to the bathroom and hunch over the toilet, puking my guts out. Then you came, you knocked on the bathroom door, a concerned look on your face, whispering to me, "Butters? Butters? What's wrong?"

I don't think I've ever had the chance to tell you this, but ever since that moment, that moment when the light seemed to hit your face, oh so perfectly, I thought you were an angel. I loved the way your eyes lighted up in excitement, the way your lips curled up in happiness, the way your nose wrinkled up in frustration. I loved every single minute I got to look at you.

You crouched down next to me, massaging my back, telling me to just let it all out. My eyes started to water from all the energy it took to push the contents out from my stomach and you just took a tissue and wiped those tears away. That was the moment I think that I truly fell for you. To be frank, it scared the shit out of me. I had never thought of myself as gay. Sure the whole town seemed to think I was, but I knew I wasn't. I ogled girl's chest, hell, I was fucking attracted to girls', well, womanly features, but here I was, my heart beating crazily out of my chest while you sat there wiping away my tears, totally oblivious to the emotions you were stirring inside of me.

You carried me to an unoccupied couch and set me down gently, sitting down next to me and running your fingers absentmindedly through my hair. I remember how I sat up suddenly, I wanted to thank you for everything you had done for me, but I couldn't form the words in my alcohol muddled mind, all I could think about was how much I wanted to kiss you. So kiss you I did.

Ken, do you remember the face that you made? The one of complete surprise and fear, as I mashed my lips up against yours? That was my first kiss, but I didn't feel like I was wasting it. I couldn't have thought of any better way I would have wanted to spend it. I was a fumbling mess, but you, you the expert, slowly melted into the kiss and me. You began to direct my moves. I had never felt anything so exciting as that moment. The way one brush of our lips could make me melt so fast. I wanted to stay there forever. I never wanted to break way from you. When we did move away though, we were both breathing rapidly, our hair were messed up beyond belief. It was a surprise that not one person had realized the faggy little show that was occurring right in front of them. Not that I minded Ken, it was like we were in our own little world, just you and me. And I wouldn't have changed that for the world.

The days following were those of pure bliss. I had never known true happiness, seeing as how my parents had grounded me for most of my existence. But any time I got to spend with him made me over the moon with happiness. We were not allowed to broadcast our relationship to anyone. Even Stan, Kyle and Cartman didn't know what was going on between us. But I didn't mind, I was happy with everything that was happening between us.

Ken, do you sill remember the first time you held my hand? We were watching some scary movie called "Let the Right One In." It scared me, and you knew it. You laughed at me and told me not to be such a coward, kissing me lightly on the nose as a way to calm down my nerves. So I tried, but halfway through I was paralyzed with fear. I clutched the edge of the couch so hard that my knuckles began to turn white. You saw my reaction, gave a small chuckle and took my hand tenderly, holding it in your own. And that was how we were until the end. Hand in hand.

Remember, Ken, when you were breathing your last breaths, the way you clutched my hand? I don't remember if you were telling me to be strong or some other cliché crap like that, all I remember was that I wouldn't listen. You told me you would always come back. You were Mysterion. You were fucking Mysterion. You were fucking invincible for god's sake, even if no one believed you. But I did, Ken. I fucking believed in you. I never thought you would go against your word and actually leave me in this world. I didn't listen to you because I thought, I wished, I hoped you would come back from this and we would just laugh, like how we usually do. You would come back and tell me how you supposedly died. Even if I had not remembered it, I would still have pretended like I did.

I should have known it would never last. Oh yes, I was always poor naïve little Butters, always believing in the best, when it was obvious that the worst would occur.

Remember, Ken, how perfect that day was? It was that one day in the year that the snow had melted and the sun was shining. We had planned to go on the picnic you had promised me for so long.

When we set down our blanket and took out the contents of the picnic basket, you apologized profusely for not being able to pack any gourmet food items, but all I did to answer your apologies was give you a small smile and a peck on the cheek. Ken, you really didn't have to worry about it at all, just being able to sit next to you, the sun shining down upon us, staring out into Stark's Pond made me the happiest I had ever been.

Remember how you slightly brushed my hair out of my eyes and leaned in close. You kissed me with so much passion as if you knew what would happen later, as if you were giving me your goodbye. I just wished I could have known that sooner.

Afterwards, we decided to go to the diner for some dessert. Remember how we were holding hands as we set foot into the building, but when you saw all of our friends crowded into the tiny area, you quickly dropped your hand to your side, and lazily sauntered in, as if we were nothing more than acquaintances. I know you weren't comfortable with your sexuality, but it still hurt Ken, it really did. It was as if you were telling me that I was not important enough to fight for. I just have one question Ken. If you could go back to that moment, would you hit some kind of redo button and change your action? Would you go in raising our held hands high above our heads and proclaim that we were indeed together and that nothing anybody said or did could change that? Would you Ken? I really wish so.

Though I was still bitter, I still wanted to have fun. I sat close to you as we played video games with Stan and Kyle. Then we went on over to where Cartman and Wendy were making out behind the jukebox and started blasting some of your favorite tunes. Everything was so picture perfect. Everyone was having a grand ol' time, so why had that guy needed to come into the diner at that moment? Why must he have felt the need to storm in, brandishing his gun, yelling at everyone to get the fuck down or he swore to god that he would shoot every fucking living, breathing person in the building?

All I remember about the man was the crazed look in his eyes, it was that of fear and hatred and all of these other dark emotions that I had never known until I saw him.

But Ken, why must have you felt the need to play hero, to save all of your friends? Later, after it all happened, I found out that the police had only been three minutes away from the diner, Ken, if only you had waited those three minutes, well, you would have been safe, we all would have been safe. But no, you had to stand in front of the guy screaming at all of us to run out the back exit. The man's crazed eyes became wilder as he waved the gun around threatening us more, and that was when the shooting began, you jumped in front of all the bullets that you could, like the protagonist in some kind of fucked up tragedy. When all of us were huddled outside, we feared for the worst.

The police arrived a few minutes later, I remember the sirens, the sound was as frightening as it was calming. Ken, did you hear the sirens?

They rushed in and shot the man point blank, I remember wondering if the man had a family at home. Was his wife hurt? Were his children sick? Was that why he would perform such a ruthless act?

As all of us flooded back into the diner and saw you on the ground, blood flowing out of you like the Nile, I almost began to laugh hysterically. The whole scene was so surreal, I would not, could not believe that it was true. As the paramedics rushed in and tried to do anything they could to save you, I felt like I was in some kind of twisted dream, no not a dream, I would have never dreamt of you hurt, it was a nightmare. I shoved roughly past everyone as I tried to reach you and grabbed your hand. It was so cold. You were always the one who would rub my hands between yours, grinning about how "My circulation was so fucking bad that you just had to warm them up by hand." You turned to face me at my touch. Your eyes were so empty, they frightened me, your eyes were always filled with so much emotion, but now they were just empty shells. That was when you began talking, you told me how it seemed to hurt more than usual, how something felt wrong.

Remember, Ken, remember how the whole time you were speaking I was whispering stuff like, "Naw, don't be s-silly Ken, 'course you won't die, now rest a b-bit, and you'll wake up in your b-bed in no time, and we can l-laugh this whole thing off." I wanted to cry because of my fear that your assumptions were true, that you really would leave me. I tell myself that the reason I didn't was for your sake, so you wouldn't feel scared, but in truth it was for myself, I couldn't bear the thought of truly losing you.

The moment the paramedics declared you dead, was the moment my heart stopped. I still remember it too, 3:22 PM, how funny is that Ken? You died on your birthday.

I don't know why I am thinking about all this now. My therapist tells me I should put it all behind me and forget about it. But no matter what, I just can't seem to forget you. If I try hard enough, I can erase everyone in South Park from my mind, but Ken, you are the exception. Someone could hit me over the head with a rock and cause me to get amnesia but I would still remember you.

Remember, Ken, remember those words you always whispered to me all those nights ago "No matter what, I'll never leave your side"? Or have you forgotten them already?

Thanks for reading! R/R please!

Wdebo :)