Hi everyone! I know you have all been messaging me about when I am going to post the next chapter of "Tears of joy or sadness" which I thank you for showing such an interest in but because of exams which are in the next few days I haven't been writing much and I want to get the next chapter right so...this little fic came into my head when I was struggling with my own revision. I hope you like it and there will be another chapter, it was just getting too long for a one shot so stay tuned Thank you and please tell me what you think. And an update of my other fic will be coming soon. Love Rouge xxx

Also I would like to point out that the title of this story was chosen because of a tweet Lana sent about what to say to yourself when going through tough times. Warning for some abuse

Regina: 16 years old

"Concentrate Regina, concentrate...stop daydreaming!" she told herself for what felt like the twentieth time in the past three hours. "You need to get this right!" the sixteen year old brunette clenched her fists at the corner of the book she was looking at, hoping that gripping it tighter would somehow result in the words lifting from the page so that she could absorb the information its pages held. "You know what will happen if you don't get this right" she whispered quietly to herself, as if her voice was just as scared as she appeared to be.

Regina Mills was studying for her monthly exam that her mother liked to give her in order to make sure her daughter was on the right track to fulfilling her destiny and becoming queen by the time she was able to marry at eighteen. The dreaded exams would consist of two parts, the first would be magic potions and spells where she would be required to list all ingredients in the potions her mother provided or explain what a particular potion or spell were used for. This, her mother said, would give her the knowledge of magic that she needed to understand before being sent to magic lessons with the same person who taught her mother, something and someone she wasn't told much about, only that he would teach her magic so that she could gain power and control over the kingdom once she was crowned queen. The second part of her exam would result in her being tested on the royal history of the kingdom as well as assessment of her manners, etiquette and possible complications she could face as queen. She didn't mind studying, in fact she loved to read and loved to learn, but about the topics and interests she chose...she didn't want to learn magic and turn out like her mother, she wasn't interested in how a queen should or shouldn't behave so therefore she tended to lose her focus quickly. It also didn't help that the amount of information Cora expected to be crammed into Regina's head was very dense.

Regina was a very soft, caring young lady and she hated the idea of being queen and hated the idea of using magic against people the way her mother used magic against her but she knew she had no choice, she had to do as her mother ordered otherwise she would feel her wrath. Something Regina was used to but, it never got any easier to go through or less painful, still she was getting increasingly good at managing to not cry, the pain only got worse if her mother saw tears of apparent weakness slipping out of her daughter. As a little girl of 3 or 4 she would cry for hours, after she was hurt by her mother's dark magic, her hand, or her sharp tongue, whichever method she was in the mood to use. She didn't understand how not walking in a straight line with her head held up was naughty, or if she forgot to say please when asking for something. She would cry most nights when she was younger, cuddled up in her bed feeling she was nothing but a disappointment, until she fell asleep. Sometimes when he could get away without being seen by Cora, her father would slip into her room and cuddle her close until she stopped crying and fell asleep. He was always gone when she woke up the next morning though.

The young brunette wanted nothing more than to please her mother and for Cora to show her daughter some kind of love and affection without it resulting in bruises or scars. She didn't want to be queen but it was a way of not being seen as a disappointment to her mother anymore, this was why she knew she had to pass her monthly exams and fulfil her mother's life choices for her and become a royal. To Cora it didn't matter what Regina wanted or what made her happy, in her mind she always knew what was best for her.

Realising she had drifted off topic in her mind again she sighed heavily annoyed at herself and let go of the book titled "Dark Magic potions and spells", letting it fall heavily onto the wooden table that she sat at to study. She turned her head to the right looking out of her window down to the stables and over to the green hills in the distance. She wished she was allowed to go riding today, she loved riding her horse more than anything, it made her forget about everything that had happened to her and everything she was still going through. She felt alive while riding, feeling the wind against her face and in her hair. She felt alone, she was always alone, but this kind of alone was nice, peaceful, and free and she didn't mind it. She felt like she didn't have to please anyone or feel like a failure as she was a very skilled rider, just like her father had taught her to be.

As she gazed down longingly out of her bedroom window, letting the sun hit her face in streams of light she began to remember the very first exam her mother had given her, she was twelve years old and before then she had only been judged, scolded or assessed on her day to day skills and manners, as well as her normal schooling lessons. Regina was home schooled from a very young age, something her mother insisted upon because in her opinion she didn't want Regina to associate with the other children in the land because she was destined for greatness and was therefore different from the other children. This just isolated Regina even further but she knew what would happen to her if she argued, a lesson she had been taught numerous times even when she was very small, so the only thing the little girl could do at the time was listen to her tutor and try to impress her mother with her rising knowledge. However she could never please Cora, something she did was always wrong and she had to suffer the consequences.

She remembered the feeling that rose from her stomach as her mother asked the thirteen year old version of herself the first question on her first exam...

Regina: 13 Years old

"Name all the ingredients needed for a deadly poison Regina" Cora had asked as she sat poised and proper on her grand, velvet chair in her bedroom as Regina stood up straight in front of her as she had been told to stand, with her hands overlapped gently in front of her. Upon hearing the question her stomach dropped, and her heart started beating quickly. She knew she knew the answer, she just couldn't recall it properly, she had studied as her mother had demanded but she had been focusing on the easier things because it was her first few lessons in magic and potions and even the basics were confusing to her, she didn't think her mother would throw her in at the deep end and ask the most difficult questions, especially right away. However she told herself that she should have known better. "Well?" Her mother's voice rose slightly and Regina bit her bottom lip gently trying to remember the correct ingredients.

"I...erm.." Regina quietly mumbled

"Don't mumble Regina! You must speak properly, as a queen would, stand up straight, shoulders down!" her patience, Regina could tell, was wearing thin and she stood up as straight as she could her back stretched deciding that an attempt at an answer must be better than no answer at all...she thought hard.

"Ingredients for a deadly poison...Dragons blood...a stalk of belladonna...a spoonful of...erm...crushed salt...no no I mean crushed ivy..." she stuttered but Cora had heard enough.

"Have you even been studying at all? What have you been doing in your room all this time? I made sure you didn't go into the stables Regina! This won't do at all" her voice rose as she spoke causing Regina's posture to drop as she became afraid.

"Please Mother, I did study honest...ask me how to come across fairy dust or...what honey water is used for...I know that" she begged quietly looking up at her mother as Cora rose from her chair towering over Regina even at thirteen years old. Even though her mother raised her voice and emphasised her words when her daughter was in trouble she didn't yell or scream, ladies weren't accustomed to do so and that was one thing Regina was grateful for even though her mother was not someone who needed to shout to bring fear into those she spoke to.

"So that is all you studied? A five year old could tell me where fairy dust comes from!" she raged

"But mother, it's my first magic exam...i..."

Before Regina could continue she felt her mother's hand slap across her face. She quickly held her own hand to the burning cheek as a response and turned back to her mother with tears in her eyes.

"Don't you cry Regina, don't you dare show me weakness...I didn't raise a weak daughter did I?" her eyes widened at the sniffling child in front of her but Regina quickly shook her head and held back her tears.

"You are such a disappointment to me Regina" she said wickedly with a sigh "maybe I was wrong; maybe you aren't ready to learn about magic" Cora said. "Maybe you will never be ready if this is the effort you put into your first exam"

"No...n..no mother...please, I am ready, I will do b..better" Regina sniffled holding back the tears threatening to run down her cheeks as she skill clasped her hand over her cheek."I promise".

Cora narrowed her eyes as if assessing her brunette daughter "Very well Regina, but do not disappoint me next time! I will not be happy if you do!" her eyes stayed fixed on Regina as she gestured with her hand for her to leave Cora's room, shooing her away.

Regina left her mother's room and kept her poise and stature as clean and delicate as possible as she walked straight down the corridor because she knew her mother would be listening for any sounds indicating that she was running in the house. Once she reached her own room she closed the door before running over to the bed, flinging herself down onto it and started to cry.

It was later on that evening when Regina was looking in her mirror at the bruise forming on her cheek that she knew she had to do better on her next exam and she made a conscious decision to revise harder.

Regina: 16 years old

She lifted a hand to her cheek remembering the painful bruise she had for the few days that followed that exam. The fact that Cora had struck her somewhere that would be visible to other people let Regina know just how angry she was and just how angry she would be if Regina's next exams were as bad.

Cora had always hurt Regina when she wasn't acting like a queen would, for as long as Regina can remember, the number of good memories was highly under ratio compared to her bad memories. However, Cora would never hurt Regina somewhere visible where people could question the marks or scars, she would hurt her physically with her hand or by using magic against her in the most awful ways whenever she felt that Regina deserved it. When she was finished with a punishment whether it be physical or emotional she would always check her daughter's body for marks and scars, if she found any she would use magic on them, smoothing her hand over the mark making a clear liquid spread over them and soak into her skin. When the liquid was absorbed by Regina the scar, cut or scratch had faded, sometimes even gone completely. This was how Cora liked it so that no one else would be able to see them, she didn't however, take away the pain. She wanted her daughter to be strong and not afraid of anything, she wanted to make Regina perfect and according to her she knew what was best for her daughter and no one would tell her otherwise.

The only time her magic had failed on Regina's injuries was the incident that left Regina with a scar above her top lip. The small child was only nine years old and the injury had been that severe that her mother's magic couldn't conceal it properly and a small scar remained. Cora wouldn't let Regina outside for weeks after that and would constantly talk about how Regina's beauty was forever altered. This hurt Regina, not because she was at all vain, but she knew that one of the most important things to her mother was beauty, therefore even though she didn't give herself the scar she couldn't help feeling awful about her reflection after that. Now, at sixteen her confidence was much better, when her mother wasn't trying her best to destroy her spirit, and she didn't mind the scar, she accepted that it was a part of her and she thought it made her look slightly more interesting than other people.

Cora hadn't used her concealing magic on Regina's cheek that day of her first exam back when she was thirteen, this was because it would mean that Regina would stay inside and study instead of going outside and being seen bruised and marked. Her second exam had gone much better, she studied day and night and as she began to understand some of the easier potions and spells she found that she was able to learn about slightly harder things. Her exams for the rest of her thirteenth year went well, she didn't get every question correct but luckily whenever her mother's forehead wrinkled and shot out another question it was one Regina would remember the answer to or she was able to elaborate on a previously answered question. She now knew how to make a poison as well as a memory potion that caused the drinker to lose all of their memories and an ageing potion which caused the drinker to be able to become any age they desired.

Suddenly sixteen year old Regina was ripped from her memory of her past years as she heard a knock at her bedroom door, she quickly spun around in her seat from looking out of the window and opened her book once again before clearing her throat and delicately answering "Yes? Come in"

Her bedroom door opened slowly and her father stepped into her room instantly making Regina exhale gently, a little in relief. "Good Morning daddy" Regina smiled she felt much more relaxed in the presence of her father and she knew she could be free to be herself around him and he never requested to be called "Father" unless in Cora's presence because he knew it made her happy.

Regina and her father were quite close, she felt like she was free with him and could relax but she knew that even he couldn't stop Cora from behaving how she did and she accepted that. She loved her mother and just wanted to please her, she didn't like getting hurt but she knew her mother was trying to teach her to be the best queen she can be, plus she never listened to Regina anyway. The brunette didn't want her father to be hurt by her mother, he was older than Cora and she could be very mean to him too so although it pained him to watch, he didn't try to stop her anymore because Regina had begged him to not get involved.

He chuckled a little to himself "You mean good afternoon Regina!"

She looked up at the clock and was surprised to see that it was into the afternoon "Oh!" she said surprised

"Have you been studying all day? Why don't you take a short break, you have been in your room for almost a week" he said concerned

"I'm sorry daddy but my next exam is this week and all my exams have been very hard this year you know I have to study, it's just so hard to remember so many things, even mother has her spell books and potion books to help her remember sometimes...and I don't know what she is going to ask me" she spoke softly as her father came closer to her.

"You know how important it is to your mother for you to learn all of this, for your future" he said

"As queen, I know, I know...but daddy"

"I know it wouldn't be your first choice to be queen Regina but it is a much better life to be queen than be poor and deprived, looked down upon" he tried to reason with her "Your mother is just trying to look out for you, do what's best for your future"

"I know" she replied with a small sigh knowing it was impossible to escape from the destiny her mother spoke of and she didn't like to talk about how her mother hurt her, especially to her father.

"Why don't we have a riding lesson? It will take your mind off of your studying for a while, I know your studying is important but you can't focus properly when you get like this and you know that" he suggested hoping to persuade her.

She smiled and turned her head to the window again seeing what a wonderful day it was for riding and bit her bottom lip gently. "What about mother? She told me it wasn't acceptable for me to ride until after my exam this month" she asked instantly filling with worry.

"Your mother has gone into town, she has found out of someone who can come and help with the work load around our land, she won't be back for a while, you need a break, twenty minutes?" he smiled as his beautiful daughter did and threw her book down again running over to her wardrobe to get changed into her riding clothes.

"I will be down in a minute daddy" she smiled excitedly as her father left the room. As she was changing another memory of her younger self came to mind, this time she was fourteen and after the success of her recent exam having successfully remembered that you needed 12 strands of unicorn hair, half a pint of bats blood and a Cyclops eye as well as a feather from a barn owl and of course magic to make a paralysis potion she had found herself not paying as much attention to her studies. Her mother had been slightly pleased with her answer and Regina was happy with herself but it was summer time and everyday was perfect weather for being outside, except she was kept in her room to study. Until one day she decided to take her books and sneak outside, as long as she was studying surely her mother wouldn't mind where she was doing it.

Regina: 14 years old

She opened her bedroom door slowly making sure it didn't creak and peered out down the corridor towards her mother's room.

Nothing.

She looked the other way towards her destination.

Clear.

So she slipped quietly out of her room carrying her books to study from and walked down the corridor trying to not even breathe too loudly. Once she had passed out of her home she let her worries disappear and she ran out into the open space into the fresh air with the sun shining warmly above her. She breathed the summer in and smiled gently still running across the land her parents owned towards the stables where her horse, Pip was as she tried to keep the heavy books steady in her arms. However, as she balanced the books, tucking the small stack under one of her arms and grasped hold of the stable door and pulled to swing it open, it held firmly in place. It was then that Regina noticed the rather large, rusty lock on the stable door, keeping it bolted shut.

"I should have known mother would have locked it" she sighed and she quickly ran around to the other side of the stable knowing there was a small gap there and she peeked in. Pip was in her usual pen, her head held proudly over the side of her gate even though no one was there for her to impress.

"Morning Pip!" she smiled and her beloved horse turned her head towards the half of Regina's face that was visible through the opening to greet her. She neighed and padded her front hooves on the floor.

"Sorry, I can't ride you today, mother won't allow me to, but I will come to ride you soon" she promised. Having no friends and feeling very alone sometimes, Regina found that sometimes she only had Pip to talk to and because of this, and because of the fact that her father had given her Pip as a birthday present when she turned seven, Regina held Pip close to her heart.

She left the side of the stable, her arms beginning to feel the strain of the books she was carrying and made her way to sit under a tree a short distance away. When she was settled against the bark of the tree she opened up the book she was studying from before she had successfully escaped her prison and instantly felt much more relaxed than being cooped up inside all day. A little too relaxed...after studying a few more pages of her book really hard, her mind began to wander, the unconscious switch from her studies to dreams of a happy future, surrounded by happy people who wouldn't hurt her or think that they know what was best for her was so sudden that she simply stared at the page, reading the same few lines over and over while daydreaming, unaware that she was doing so. While also unaware of who was watching her back at the house.

"REGINA!" Cora raised her voice firmly at her daughter as she appeared before her in a puff of purple smoke. The young brunette jumped and gasped lightly; pushing back into the bark of the tree she was sitting under as she jumped back to reality sharply. The book she was holding fell from her grasp onto the grass beside her.

"Mother!" she said surprised "I'm sorry...I...was just..."

"Disobeying my orders?" Cora finished for her

"No! I wouldn't disobey you Mother...I am studying, see" waving her hand towards the pile of books at her side quickly "I just thought..."

"That you would be selfish Regina, and that you would go against my authority! I for bayed you to leave your room" Cora said and Regina could sense the anger in her voice and she didn't dare look her mother in the eyes.

"I know Mother, I'm sorry I just thought I would study better outside" she quickly tried to explain as she gathered up her books but she was cut off by her mother grabbing hold of her long, soft hair and pulling hard, making her stand.

"Oww mother you are hurting me" she cried out as the sharp pain ripped through her scalp.

"Good Regina! You need to learn to do as you are told you insolent girl!" Cora's sharp tongue nipped at Regina's kind, soft nature as she had done so many times before, tearing her apart...piece by piece...day by day.

"I'm sorry" she cried out as Cora's grasp tightened around her daughter's hair

"Enough! Get inside this instant!" Cora snapped and she proceeded to drag Regina back to the house by her hair, tugging hard every now and again making sure to properly punish her daughter's insubordination.