Dean propped himself up on his elbow and smiled down at the vision sleeping next to him. Castiel rolled over and buried himself further under the covers, causing Dean's grin to widen.
"Cas, sweetie, time to wake up." He trailed his fingers in a dancing rhythm up his lover's naked leg to encourage him to wake up.
Castiel rolled over onto his back and blinked, slowly opening his clear azure eyes to the early morning light.
"Why are you waking me up so early?" His gruff, sleepy voice demanded.
A thrill went through Dean and hit his core as he heard Cas speak; his husband's sex voice, as he called it, was one of the things that had made Dean ask him out in the first place. The voice, the hair that always looked as if the man had just been participating in some sort of sexual activity, and the clear blue eyes that were trained on whomever he was speaking to, had all drawn Dean's attention.
"Because it's the first day of the school year; you have to get ready." He reminded Cas.
Castiel groaned and sat up, the sheets tangling around his legs. "I don't want to go to school." He whined, trying to disentangle himself.
Dean smiled and pulled the sheet away, getting out of bed himself. "You don't have a choice: you're the History professor."
Cas let out a breath and stood, stretching his sore muscles. He was still tired from being up late last night with Luca, their 8-month-old son. Dean had been unable to help because 'inspiration had hit' so he had to sit down and type the next chapter in his book.
Dean turned and chuckled at his partner's bedhead. Waking up the next morning to see Castiel's hair sticking out every which way in tufts of soft brown warmed Dean's heart.
"What?" Cas turned to see what Dean was laughing about.
"Just your hair." Dean gave Cas an affectionate kiss on the cheek before picking a shirt off the ground and sniffing it. Shrugging, he pulled the button-down on and began searching for clean boxers.
Cas frowned and tried to pat his hair down before giving up the useless struggle. It never stayed until he showered, and besides, Dean liked his bedhead.
"I'm going to shower." He informed Dean. "And those are my clothes." He told his husband who now had on a white-button down and purple silk boxers.
"Alright well I'll make sure to tell Luca, maybe he'll care." Dean smiled as Castiel rolled his eyes. "I'll go make breakfast."
Cas nodded his head and was rewarded with a kiss on the cheek from Dean as the younger man went to start on pancakes. He walked into the bathroom and started the hot water, allowing the rivulets and the steam to work the tension out of his muscles. He loved his job and his family but it could get stressful. He was going to have to ask Dean to watch Luca that night; he needed more sleep.
He stepped out of the shower and dried himself before wrapping a towel around his waist and walking out into the bedroom and then the kitchen. Pancakes had been started and Cas could see Dean in the nursery changing Luca's diaper. He walked over to the griddle and flipped the pancakes, helping breakfast along.
"And there's Daddy, looking like a fine piece of ass." He heard Dean saying from behind.
Cas turned to see Dean putting Luca down and letting him crawl around in his play area, just off the kitchen in the living room. "Really Dean? Talking to the baby like that?" Cas frowned and turned back to the cooking breakfast.
He felt arms snake around his waist and Dean's hot breath in his ear. "Can't fight the truth sweetheart." A gentle nip at his earlobe sent a shiver down Castiel's spine. His mind searched for another topic of conversation. He didn't have time this morning for a quick romp; they hadn't since Luca had been born. Cas frowned as his thoughts turned in that sour direction. He and Dean would have to find a babysitter to watch Luca sometime soon so they could get away.
"When is your brother's party?"
"The anniversary party? Uh…next Saturday?" Dean racked his brain for the date while consulting the calendar. "Yeah next Saturday. Did we already get a gift for him and Jess?"
"No we'll have to do that this weekend when we go grocery shopping. What do you get someone for their fifth anniversary?" Cas asked, pondering.
Dean shrugged and took the spatula from Cas, playfully bumping his hip and scooting him aside. Castiel grabbed at the towel as it began to slip from his hipbones and pulled it up.
"I don't know a toaster?" Dean winked at Cas before turning to flip the pancakes.
"Why a toaster? No it should be something more personal." Cas tapped his lip in thought as he walked back to the bedroom to get dressed.
Dean sighed and rolled his eyes, pouring more batter onto the griddle. "Your Daddy is so funny sometimes." Luca smiled and reached up for Dean. "Alright, I guess." Dean picked up his son and cradled him into the safety of his arms.
"How about a bottle, huh? You hungry little guy?"
"So, how about we book them a couple's massage?" Cas came back out into the kitchen, pulling on Dean's black hoodie over his plaid shirt.
"Yeah, that sounds good. I like that." Dean smiled as he set Luca down in his high chair with a bottle. "You want to make him some oatmeal?"
"Yes Sir!" Cas saluted before grabbing the baby oatmeal flakes and a bowl.
"So, you can wear my clothes, but I can't wear yours? What kind of double standard is that?" Dean asked as he eyes his husband.
"What are you talking about, this is my shirt." Castiel insisted, sitting down next to Luca so he could feed him breakfast.
"My hoodie and jeans, and that's the shirt Sam got me for my birthday last year." Dean pointed out. "And are those my socks?"
Cas looked down at his feet. He was wearing gray socks with red cars on them. "I guess they are." Castiel rubbed his tired eyes. "I'm so exhausted I can't tell what is whose anymore. I'll go change."
"No don't." Dean insisted. "I like you wearing my clothes." He started another set of pancakes, finishing off the batter. "Besides, we're married. What's mine is yours right?"
Dean leaned over and captured Castiel's mouth with his own, the older man's mouth tasting like mint tic-tac's.
"You still haven't brushed your teeth." Cas complained half-heartedly when they broke apart.
"Alright, alright. I'm going." Dean held up his hands in mock defeat and stalked off to the bathroom.
"Daddy is silly." Cas whispered to Luca, feeding him another bite. He kissed his son on the cheek, twice, before getting up and grabbing a plate of pancakes for himself.
"Dean, I've got to be going soon!" Cas called out, pouring syrup on his buttered breakfast.
"Alright; I'll feed Luca then." Dean came out of the bathroom with gelled hair and jeans on, but he had kept Castiel's white button up.
Cas ate hurriedly, not wanting to be late on the first day, and Dean made baby noises at Luca whenever the baby cooed or growled impatiently. Castiel stood up and washed his plate off, grabbing his bag and kissing Dean goodbye.
"Have a good day babe!"
"Thanks Dean!"
As Cas was getting ready to walk out the front door, he heard "Oh shit" and a banging noise from the kitchen. He sighed but walked back into the room.
"What did you do now?" He asked impatiently.
"Just hit my knee, I'm fine." Dean replied, rubbing his knee.
"Are you sure?" Cas asked, fiddling with the strap on his bag.
"Cas, I'm sure. We'll be fine alright." Dean told his husband.
"OK." Just as he turned to leave the room, Dean's hand caught his shoulder. He was spun around and kissed again by the sweetest pair of lips that he thought existed anywhere.
"I'll take care of Luca tonight so you can get some sleep. I'll hire a babysitter for this weekend so we can enjoy ourselves at Sam and Jess's party."
"You don't want to bring him with us?" Cas asked nervously. He had never been apart from Luca for more than six hours at a time, when he had to teach school. The past three months of being constantly with his son had cemented itself in his mind and he had all but outright refused to go anywhere without their child.
"I'll get Jo to babysit. Luca likes her."
"OK." Cas relented, kissing Dean one last time before leaving. "I'll get the massage booked today on my lunch hour then."
As soon as the door closed and Cas backed out the driveway Dean turned and went back into the kitchen, joy filling his heart when he saw his son sitting in the high chair, straining against the belt.
"You want to play?"
†
"Are you sure that Jo is OK to babysit tonight, I mean, we could just take him with us Dean."
"Cas, Luca is staying home. We are going to enjoy ourselves OK?"
Dean heard Castiel sigh from the bathroom. He smiled at how obstinate his husband could be. Of course, he did not want to leave the baby either but he wanted some alone time with Cas. He had talked to Jo and she had agreed to spend the night so that he could book a hotel for him and Cas. Of course, he had not told Castiel this.
He adjusted his suit sleeve and slapped the massage voucher against his hand, waiting for Cas to be done getting ready. They had fifteen minutes to get in the car and head to a hotel a few miles away where Sam and Jess were throwing the party. All their friends and family would be there, and the couple had said cryptically in their invitation that there would be a 'big announcement'.
"This looks ridiculous." Cas announced as he stepped out of the bathroom.
Dean's heart stopped and then fluttered like a hummingbird's wings when he caught sight of Castiel. He was wearing a black suit and white dress shirt with a blue tie. That was it – nothing special. But Cas looked special in anything. And the blue of the tie really brought out the smoldering oceanic color of Castiel's eyes.
"You look beautiful." Dean insisted, getting up from the bed to kiss his husband.
"Really?" Cas made a face but Dean just laughed.
"I mean it Cas – you look awesome."
Castiel smiled and shook his head. 'Awesome' was how Dean described everything. He looked in the mirror and adjusted the jacket, buttoning it up all the way, so it at least looked classier. It had been the only thing he could find on sale at the mall the day before, so he had been stuck with this.
"I'm serious angel, you look gorgeous." Dean whispered in Castiel's ear as he ran his fingers up and down his arm.
Cas blushed at the old nickname; it had been so long since he had heard Dean say it that he had almost forgotten about it. Dean's fingers moved to his back, tracing the familiar lines of his angel wings tattoo. A trill went up Castiel's spine as Dean's fingers moved around, lightly dancing, so close to his skin but separated by so much.
There was a light knock on the door, interrupting Castiel's thoughts.
"That'll be Jo." Dean's voice whispered huskily in Castiel's ear. Cas shivered as his husband left the bedroom and went to answer the door.
Cas collected his thoughts and tried to turn his spine back to bone instead of jelly as he walked down the hall to Luca's room. He was still napping and would have to be woken up soon for dinner.
When Cas entered the living room, Dean was sitting with Jo explaining Luca's schedule to her. Cas leaned over the back of the couch and kissed Dean's cheek.
"Someone's in a loving mood tonight." Dean said, acting surprised. Jo laughed lightly, as if in on some joke.
"Luca is still asleep but he'll need woken up soon for dinner." Cas said, changing the subject.
"OK." Jo nodded, serious. Her mom Ellen was like a mom to Dean too, so she had grown up knowing him all her life. When he had gotten married and adopted a child, she knew that they both took his safety seriously and the fact that they were going out at all, let alone allowing her, a seventeen year old to babysit, was a big move for them both. It meant they trusted her.
"Alright, well, we should be going." Dean said, standing. "Is there anything I'm forgetting?" He asked, patting his pockets.
"Your glasses." Cas said, picking them up off the end table.
Dean groaned. "I hate those things."
"And your doctor said you need to wear them. You do not argue with your doctor Dean. Here." Cas unfolded the large brown plastic frames and set them on Dean's face.
Dean pouted as he checked himself out in the mirror. "I hate them."
"Why? They look great." Cas assured him, smoothing out the shoulders of Dean's gray suit jacket.
"Well where are yours?" Dean demanded lightly. If he had to wear glasses, then Cas should too.
Cas laughed; his Dean could be so insecure about some things, even when he had no reason to be. "Right here." He pulled his large black plastic frames from his pocket and put them on.
Dean's mouth curved up into a lopsided grin. "See, I like yours. You look like the sexy schoolteacher I am not supposed to like. But me? I just look strange."
Cas smiled coyly and leaned up to whisper in Dean's ear. "You look like the librarian I'm not allowed to fuck between the shelves."
Dean blushed as the dirty word, and sentence, left Castiel's mouth. His angel rarely said things like that and when he did, he meant it.
"Well then," Dean cleared his throat, "OK." He patted down his jacket nervously all the blood leaving his brain. "Uh Jo, you know what to do now."
"Yes; you two go out and have some fun. Luca will be here just fine when you get back."
"Thank you so much Jo." Dean said to her, slipping her $100 as Cas grabbed their coats.
"No problem. Now get out of here you crazy kids." Jo laughed, practically pushing them out the door.
"Well, shall we?" Dean asked on the front porch, helping Cas put on his trench coat.
"Yes, might as well get this party over with." Cas turned around and helped Dean with his own black dress coat.
Dean rolled his eyes as he hit the garage door opener. "You know you'll have fun."
"I know." Cas sighed, already missing Luca.
"Hey, you're not allowed to flake out on me OK?" Dean slipped his hand into Castiel's and leaned in for a quick smooch. "No being depressed in my baby."
Cas smiled as Dean led him to the car and opened the door for him. The Impala was Dean's pride and joy; his father had left it to him when he had died; Dean had been sixteen years old, Sam only thirteen. Cas had been told the story plenty of times since he met Dean, and had gotten him to trust him. Dean had dropped out of high school to support his younger brother. They had moved around often and used aliases to avoid the police and CPS.
Eventually when Dean was nineteen they had found a place in South Dakota where Dean could work as a mechanic and Sam could stay in one place and go to school. Dean worked under a man named Bobby Singer and his wife Ellie, and got along closely with her daughter Jo, who at the time was only nine. Sam told Dean that he wanted to go to law school and become a lawyer, so his big brother had told him he would make it happen as long as Sam got good enough grades to get scholarships.
Dean had told Cas that Sammy had 'worked his ass off' to get into Stanford and get as much of his tuition paid for as he could with scholarships. Dean had had to take out a few loans anyway and most of his life's savings went to the school so Sam could study pre-law.
They packed up shop and moved to California where Dean found another mechanic's job, and got a job as a bartender. He put all the money back that he could so that they could eventually pay for law school. Sam told him to slow down when he came home to find his brother passed out on the floor from exhaustion. So Dean had cut back on his hours at the bar, and had enrolled in a G.E.D. course.
While there he discovered his love for English, and Sam encouraged him to go to college and study it. After much debate, and budgeting, Dean started at the local community college part time where he began a degree in English, his focus being creative writing.
By the time, Sam graduated Sanford he had been accepted into the Harvard School of Law and the brothers packed up again and moved to Massachusetts where Sam started studying, and Dean transferred his credits to another community college. It was in Massachusetts, at a bar called The Wet Room where Dean and Cas had met.
†
It was not too far from the Harvard campus, and Castiel was a Harvard History student. At 28, he had been told by everyone he knew that it was too late to go back to school, or that he would never get in. His smug smile when he had proved everyone wrong was worth the years and tons of debt that going to school would bring him. It had always been Castiel's passion to be a History professor and now here he was, trying to realize that dream.
He was in the bar because his girlfriend had just broken up with him, trying to explain to him that there was something wrong with him. Most guys did not agree with their girlfriends when they said the men in magazine ads were 'working that underwear'. Castiel was at the bar trying to drown his sorrows, and figure out exactly what she meant.
Dean had picked up an extra shift at the bar. The owner, Crowley, had called in saying that the other bartender Meg was out sick and that he needed Dean to come in. So the elder Winchester had called Sammy to say he wouldn't be home until the next afternoon (Dean had morning college classes) and that he hoped he would be OK on his own.
So he put on his tight black pants and t-shirt, gelled his hair back and stepped behind the bar for the second time that day, hoping he didn't look exhausted as hell. That was when he had walked in. A slumped shouldered man who looked like the world was crushing down on him walked through the door and sat right at the bar. He looked right at Dean and his heart stopped – the man had dark hair, it looked almost black in this light, all mussed up as if he had just had a romp in the sack, and the bluest eyes Dean had ever seen anywhere. Those have to be illegal, he thought to himself.
"I'll have a scotch on the rocks please." He ordered, crossing his arms on the bar.
Dean froze, wetting his lips as the man's deep rock baritone crashed around him. He found his tight pants got even tighter as he stretched for the bottle of scotch and poured the man his glass.
"Here you are stranger." Dean cleared his throat, hoping the man could not tell how husky his voice sounded; hoped he did not know it was because of him.
"Castiel." The man replied before downing the alcohol in one take.
"That's a nice name; I'm Dean."
"Dean." The man, Castiel, played with the word on his tongue almost as if it was a piece of chocolate to savor.
Dean's hand shook as he poured Cas another glass. "Haven't met too many Castiel's. I would say you were the first."
Cas smiled, showing off a set of pearly white teeth. "Castiel was an angel; my parents were religious nuts and named all their kids after them."
"What's Castiel the angel of?" Dean asked. The angel of sex?
"Thursday. Thursday was his day; his name, my name, means 'The Shield of God'.
"Not bad. My name just means Dean." Dean shrugged.
Cas laughed lightly, it spread like a disease, and Dean laughed with him.
"So what brings you in here huh?" Dean leaned over the countertop to get closer.
Cas sighed quite audibly. "My girlfriend just broke up with me," he looked down at his wristwatch, "two hours ago."
"Sorry man." Dean frowned. Not interested in men then. He tried not to look too sad about it and poured Castiel another drink.
"I don't even know why she left me; well, I do I suppose." Cas again took the drink in a single gulp. "She told me I seemed too interested in guys and not her." Cas shook his head as if that were ridiculous.
Dean gulped as he watched Cas carefully. Was it too good to be true? "And are you? Interested in guys I mean?"
Castiel looked up at Dean for what was the second time that night. He had seen the bartender when he had walked in, but had paid him no attention. For the entirety of their conversation, he had been looking down at the bar-top. Now, seeing him here, Cas could say yes with resounding clarity.
The bartender, Dean he had said, had dirty blonde hair gelled up in the front; his jewel green eyes looked like a child had dug up some valuable gem in the earth and the green of the forest and the brown of the dirt had stained it in the most beautiful way. He had lightly tanned skin, nothing too orange, and the tight tee he had on highlighted exactly what was going on under the shirt. The cheekbones and full lips of his face invited Cas in and he wanted to dive in, but he was not sure if it was just the alcohol talking or not.
Dean was painfully aware that the man sitting in front of him was analyzing him, and not in a friendly way. He shifted, trying to alleviate the pain from the tightness of his jeans, and the spell that Cas was under broke.
"I think so." He answered in response to Dean's question of a few minutes before.
Dean could not help himself; his face broke out into the biggest grin and he laughed. Castiel smiled back, the light in his eyes not completely dimmed by the alcohol.
"I'll have water now." Cas ordered.
And he had water for the rest of the night, until the bar closed. Whenever Dean was not busy with someone else, he would wander over and they would talk, getting to know one another. By the early morning light when Meg came in to take over, Dean was offering to give Cas a ride home.
"Alright Dean, I've got the morning shift covered and Ruby has the afternoon. I'll be back in tonight to work with you, got it?" She said as she came in, shedding her coat.
"Yeah!" He called to her from the bar.
She heard the chatter of two men, as if Dean was talking to someone. She did not recognize the voice as Crowley, or any of the waiters that worked there.
"You took the bus? How far away do you live, I'll give you a ride home." Dean offered just as Meg rounded the corner.
"Are you sure?" There was a man sitting at the bar, very attractive, voice as husky as if he were about to plan an orgy and his fantasy girl had just walked through the door begging for some alone time. Meg looked at the body language between the two and re-assessed the situation. The two were clearly interested in each other.
"Yeah it is no big deal, come on. I'll just get my jacket."
Dean grabbed his jacket from behind the bar and ushered Cas out back to his car without so much as another word to Meg. She snorted and shook her head, wondering what Dean was really interested in.
†
"Cas, babe, we're here." Dean nudged his husband's shoulder. They were in a parking space at the hotel where the party was. The whole ride there Cas had stared out the window, not paying attention to anything.
"Sorry." Castiel said apologetically.
"Where were you?"
"The night we met; do you remember?" Castiel asked, a smile on his face.
"Of course I do. I drove you home, you gave me your number, and I called as soon as I got out of school that day. I had to see you again." Dean smiled fondly at the memory.
"You asked me out immediately for that Saturday." Cas said. "Dinner and a movie followed by a walk in the park."
"And a make-out session in the car." Dean reminded him.
Cas shook his head laughing. "I had had a glass of wine with dinner – I don't think that counts."
"Of course it does!" Dean protested. "Our first kiss was in that park, when we were watching the stars."
"That's right…" Castiel's voice trailed off as he remembered the moment. "I was so nervous when I leaned over."
"You still get nervous." Dean leaned over and kissed his husband quickly before unbuckling his seatbelt. "Come on, the party started ten minutes ago."
Cas unbuckled his belt and hurried after Dean, taking the younger man's hand in his own as they stepped inside the hotel lobby. Dean checked the sign and pulled Cas along to ballroom three where the doors were open and cool air was pouring out. It was dark inside, occasional soft lighting and candles on the tables breaking up the black. Near the dance floor, white twinkle lights were roped across the ceiling casting the dancers in an ethereal glow.
"I'm gonna find Sammy and give him this, you get us some drinks." Dean whispered in Castiel's ear,
"OK." Cas replied as Dean's hand left his and his husband walked into the sea of people that were there.
Cas fingered the sleeves of his suit, pulling his hands inside the long sleeves and gripping the edge as he worked his way through people trying to find something to drink. People bumped against him and apologized, there were people there he had never seen, and it made him uncomfortable to be in such a large crowd.
Finally he made it through the crowd to the drinks table and he stood there breathing in short gasps; his shaking hands gripped the table as he tried to relax. He hadn't had a panic attack since Luca had been born. Then again, he hadn't been in such a large and overwhelming crowd since Luca had been born.
Cas had suffered from panic attacks since he was a teenager; they were a manifestation of what he never could tell anyone: he had a physically abusive father. After his first attack, when he had been nineteen, his girlfriend at the time had taken him to the doctor. After trying to diagnose his problems he had told the doctor that his father had beaten him on multiple occasions, and that it usually was by slamming his head into things. The doctor had smiled sadly and explained that although they were unsure of what exactly caused the disorder, brain abnormalities were a possible factor in what caused panic disorders.
The doctor had ordered scans of Castiel's brain and they had in fact showed slight abnormalities, possibly created by the abuse. He had been ordered to psychotherapy and put on medication to hopefully stop it before it got worse. And it had helped – Cas would have occasional attacks but with the help of therapy he slowly weaned himself off his medication for a time.
It was when his family got back in touch with him – a few months before meeting Dean, which caused Castiel's illness to get worse. When he went to The Wet Room, he was not just going because his girlfriend had broken up with him. Castiel had always known that he was not interested in women in the slightest but he wanted to seem as normal as possible because of what was going on with him.
No, he had gone to the bar because it had finally gotten to be too much for him and he was going to get himself drunk, and then kill himself. He had never told Dean that, though he knew about his illness. Meeting Dean had literally saved his life because he had found someone who understood, and who did not have life figured out either.
"Cas, baby?" Dean's familiar voice washed over Cas like a soothing balm.
There was a large familiar hand on his back rubbing smoothing circles and another hand prying his fingers off the table.
"What is it, what's wrong?"
Cas closed his eyes and shook his head. "Too many people." He forced out.
"Alright." Dean nodded his head and put an arm gently around Castiel's shoulders, another arm out to move people aside.
Dean knew, every book he had ever read, told him not to restrain a person having a panic attack. It was fight or flight right now for Cas and Dean could feel the coils of tension in the man's body but he could not have Cas freak out here. The only other time Castiel had ever had a panic attack in a public place was before they got pregnant with Luca; they had been at the mall and Castiel had hurt two people trying to get outside. The police had been called and Cas had been restrained, making his attack worse. Dean had been arrested after 'becoming hostile' with the officers about why his husband needed medical attention.
Dean did not want a repeat of that to happen here so he ignored everything he had ever read and took his husband outside into the hall. He helped Cas to sit down on the ground and sat across from him.
"Cas honey, it's me. Listen to my voice. I know you're scared but it's OK. Everything is going to be OK."
Castiel clenched his fists as his breathing became faster, shallower.
"OK, look at me. I want you to high-five me alright? Just do it over and over again."
Cas raised a hand and high-fived Dean. He did it again.
"Good babe. Breath with me honey, in and out real slow like me." Dean encouraged, mentally heaving a relieved sigh as Castiel did as he was told.
Cas kept slapping Dean's hand, waiting for the fear of danger to pass. Waiting for that inkling of danger to go away like it always did.
"Now Cas, you don't have to answer this but I'm going to ask you a question. Are you reacting to something now, or in the past?"
Dean knew that the crowd of people had triggered it, but if it was something that had happened to him in the past he was not really in immediate danger and Castiel needed help recognizing that.
Cas shook his head; he did not want to think about it. "Past." He finally responded, catching glimpses of what had caused it. A family reunion…everyone was there…Cas was only fifteen. His father had worked him away from Gabriel and Balthazar, away from the crowd so they could be alone, and he could be a punching bag.
Dean nodded his head and continued to sit, allowing his husband to work through whatever he had to. Silently, he wondered if Cas needed to go back to using his meds. He had been just fine without them for months, but then, Cas had said he had gone through this before. Periods where he would be fine so he would get off the valium and the Xanax only to suffer another attack.
Eventually, Castiel's hand tired and his mind wandered. He lowered his arm and looked down, ashamed that he had suffered another panic attack, and this time in public. He felt guilty that he had pulled Dean away from the party and his brother. It seemed that no matter how hard Cas tried, he would never quite be normal.
"I'm sorry Dean." Castiel whispered his voice hoarse.
"Sorry for what? You did great." Dean leaned forward and planted a kiss on his forehead.
"You're missing the party."
"So? I'd rather be with you." Dean insisted.
"But your brother's anniversary and you said he had an announcement." Cas said seriously.
"He told me when I gave him the gift certificate; Jess is pregnant." Dean said happily, sliding next to Castiel and putting a gentle arm around his shoulders. "He wanted to tell me first."
Cas put his head on Dean's shoulder and closed his eyes. "I'm still sorry. I – I wish I was stronger."
Dean started and turned to look down at his husband. "Cas, you are the strongest person I know. You dealt with a shit family, and you got away. You wanted to be a History professor and now you are. You asked me out, remember? That took courage. You got help when you needed it for your illness. And that's strength. You have raised a baby boy that is so damn perfect I want another one; and that's on you – I would have ruined him beyond repair. You help people Cas. And I'm not just talking about charity donations. You give people rides, feed the hungry, stay after hours to help students who need it. Do not make me talk about how physically strong you are; you go running every morning and damn if it doesn't do things to me when you walk through that door sweaty and exhausted but looking so damn healthy. Don't tell me you aren't strong – you are so strong in so many ways."
"Dean, I", Cas was lost for words as he looked into the steady green eyes that he would know anywhere. "Thank you," was all he could say in the end.
Dean chuckled and kissed his forehead again. "Come on, let's go upstairs."
"Upstairs?" Cas said questioningly,
"The party's over anyway, Sam knows we were here. I'll call him in the morning and talk to him."
"Upstairs?" Cas asked again, following as Dean led him to the elevator.
Dean blushed as the elevator doors dinged open. "I thought it would be nice to have some alone time so I booked a room here for the night."
"Dean I – I don't feel up for that." Cas intoned quietly.
"That's fine; we'll just have a relaxing sleep away from the baby tonight." Dean said gently.
Castiel's fingers wrapped gently around Dean's; he was his green-eyed anchor in this never stilling ocean of madness. As long as he had Dean, and Luca, Castiel knew that he would be just fine. He might have to go back on his medicine, go back to therapy, but he had a family that loved and understood him.
Sam and Jess too; they were an extension of that family, and each of them had been there for him before. Sam was his friend and, in many ways, he felt, a brother.
Just because Cas did not feel up for physically expressing his love for Dean, did not mean that he did not know it any less. Dean knew that there was nothing on this earth Cas loved more than his family. Before meeting his angel, Dean had been moving endlessly through a sea of people telling him 'no'. He could not be a writer, he could not follow his dreams, and he could not have everything he wanted. Castiel was his 'yes'. Dean could have the perfect husband, the perfect family, and his dream of being a novelist?
Dean tucked Castiel into bed, the blue-eyed man's eyes drooping with exhaustion. Dean shucked off his own shoes, pants, jacket, and shirt, climbing into bed next to him. He wrapped a protective arm around him and smiled when Cas nestled his head into the crook of his shoulder.
He was writing their story. Cas was his book. And it was one hell of a story.
A/N: This was supposed to be adorable fluff…I don't know where this went…sorry. Hopefully everything about panic disorders/attacks was correct. If not, please message me so I can fix it! I don't know anyone with the disorder so I WebMD'd. Please review!