In the Dark
by musical-Aven
Summary: Missing scene from Full Circle. Jack is dealing with the death of Skaara.
Spoilers: Full Circle, Season 6
Disclaimer: The characters don't belong to me. This story was written for fun.
Author's Notes: This is a scene set during the episode Full Circle, at the end. It's after Jack got back on Earth and felt that Abydos was hit by Anubis, but before they get to dial the gate back to Abydos...you'll get it when you read. Also, this is the first time that I use more than one chapter! Let's see how we like it!
Feedbacks are always greatly appreciated as well as constructive comments!
Thank you and enjoy!
In the Dark
After they debriefed their returned from Abydos, where Jack had felt the planet move under his feet and the failure to gate back to Abydos, Jack had flown out of the room to his quarters for some alone time. The others didn't want to face him, as they knew he wouldn't be in a good mood. Skaara had just died - or rather ascended – and the people from Abydos were seemingly gone, because of Anubis not keeping his word with Daniel. Speaking of Daniel, they hadn't heard from him, which probably meant that he was gone too, for good maybe. Damn this was a crappy day!
Of all the people on base, Carter knew that, if approached well, the Colonel would talk to her. She knew that he felt responsible for the mission and that the death of Skaara was hard on him. She had seen the fatherly relationship he had with the kid and couldn't help but see the hurt in his eyes each time he thought about Charlie when he was with Skaara. And so, she was the only one, along with Daniel and Teal'c, who knew how this would affect Jack.
Once she set up the program to dial Abydos to get a lock, she left Walter in charge of it and went to the Colonel's quarters. The base was quiet, as it was after 11 pm. When she arrived at Jack's quarters, she knocked twice. She heard a faint response, which she interpreted as a "come in". She opened the door and had give her eyes time to adjust to the darkness of the room.
"Sir?" she called uncertain.
"Yeah" she heard him say.
The sound came from his bed.
"Can I come in?" she asked softly.
"Yeah" he sighed. He wasn't angry. It was as if he knew why she was here.
She walked in and closed the door. She didn't reach for the light, as Jack turned on his bedside one, illuminating the room faintly enough for her to see him sitting on his bed. He was facing the door, legs on the floor, elbows on his knees, his face partly in the shadow. He didn't try to hide the fact that he was feeling guilty and angry about what had happened. And his body language screamed that he wanted to be alone to grieve. But Sam knew that if he had answered her knock, she was welcomed to come in. And she was glad to be one of the few people in the galaxy he would let in, in that moment. She stayed on her feet, barely taking a step toward him. She wanted to help him, to make his pain go away, but knew she was on shaky grounds. Knew that if she took one step too close or if she moved into his personal space, he would turn her down. And so, she stood in the middle of the dark room, and said what she came here to say:
"I'm sorry about Skaara." She spoke very gently, not to break the moment.
He nodded slightly.
"I know he meant a lot to you...and I didn't want you to go through this alone." She made sure to leave their military status out of this room. He didn't need her as his 2IC, but as a friend. Or whatever he would accept her as.
When he didn't respond, she started to become uneasy, and an awkward tension was beginning to appear in the room. Carter didn't know what to do. If she listened to what her heart said, she would go over there and take him in her arms, hug him and kiss the pain away. But her head wouldn't let her do that.
Before she could decide what to do with herself, Jack spoke.
"What are you doing here Carter?"
"I...I wanted you to know that you're not alone, if you don't want to be..."
"But I want to be alone, so, what's the point?" he asked with a little bit of harsh in his comment.
Carter sighed.
As she scanned the room for a new subject of conversation, her gaze fell on pictures lying on his bedside table. Photos of Charlie, mostly. She knew that he was in a dark place in his mind.
"Life isn't fair sometimes...but it's not always so dark." She tried.
He took a sharp breath. Sam felt his mood change. His face changed too, becoming harsher than she ever saw him. He suddenly looked at Sam with such an intense gaze, that she felt frozen into space.
"No, life isn't fair, all the time." He was angry and hurt. "I can't understand why this is always happening."
Carter stayed silent. She got him to speak, she wasn't about to break the spell.
"He was about to get married, for crying out loud! He was happy! He had everything going for him! Why-" he stopped himself and sighed.
He wasn't really talking to her, he was just venting about the unfairness of it all. After a moment, he got back to the position in which Carter found him.
"I shouldn't have given the eye to Anubis..."
He was calmer now. Carter decided she could speak.
"Don't put this on yourself, sir. This isn't your fault...we had to trust Daniel. He obviously wasn't able to protect Abydos as he thought he could..."
He was silent for a moment. He sighed, calming himself even more.
"I know...it's just-" he stopped himself again. He looked up at Sam for a few seconds, before looking back at floor. "I failed again."
Carter sent a brief look at the pictures on the nightstand.
"As a father." She finished for him.
Jack looked up at her sharply. They didn't talk about this. No one, expect maybe for Daniel, brought up Charlie. Ever. He looked at her, telling her that she was on dangerous grounds. But Sam felt she had to push the issue. If not, she feared he would close off to anyone, and make sure he wasn't getting close to anyone else, because of the fear of losing them. And that included her. She didn't want him to push her away. She stepped closer to the bed, and sat beside him. Close enough for comfort, but still at a safe distance.
"Skaara looked up to you as his father. You were great with him. You were a great example to follow. For Charlie, and Skaara."
"Carter..."
"Sir, I mean it. You are not a bad father. Charlie's accident was tragic, but still an accident! And Skaara knew that protecting the people of Abydos was dangerous."
He looked as if he wanted to run from this conversation, run from her. His joint hands were joint tightly to each other and his jaw was clenched. After a moment, he closed his eyes and sighed as if to calm himself. After a few second, he opened his eyes again, but still stared at the floor between his feet.
"I don't think I can do this another time..."
Sam frowned.
"What do you mean?" she asked. The way he said that made her fear that he wasn't talking just about the grief of losing Skaara.
"Children." He clarified. "I don't think I can-" and then stopped himself.
He looked at her at his side. And her fears were confirmed. He wasn't talking just about any children, but his own. He wouldn't have any more children just to lose them again. Looking into in eyes more, Sam saw that he was hurting not only for himself, but for her as well. He looked as if he was apologizing to her. She then understood what he was saying. He wouldn't have any children, not even their own. Sam was surprised of the turn of the conversation.
"Oh."
He looked back at the floor. Sam felt hurt that he would say that to her. Of course, they had talked about their feelings for each other. And she would be lying if she said she hadn't thought about having a family with Jack. So this was hard to hear for her, but she understood where he was coming from.
"Okay." She answers softly.
If this was his decision, then so be it. If it meant having him in her life, then she would give up her hopes of having a child. Jack was worth it.
But Jack shook his head.
"No it's not okay. This isn't fair to you Carter. I know you want children. You should find someone who will give you what you want and what you deserve."
Woah, that came out of nowhere, Sam thought. They went from having a conversation about the death of Skaara to him "breaking off" with her, even though they weren't even together per se. They both knew that they were waiting the right time to start a relationship. But this confession from Jack confirmed to Sam that he was thinking way ahead of her.
"Don't you think this is a little bit too soon to have any of this discussion?" she voiced her concern.
She didn't want him to make rushed decision because he was feeling angry and was grieving. She was starting to panic about where this conversation was going.
"No. We better make this decision now, before we get more involved."
But Carter didn't want to move on with someone else.
"Do you think this is all I want, children?"
He didn't answer.
"I don't care if we have children or not." She spoke almost in a whisper.
She couldn't believe they were actually talking about this. He opened his mouth to speak, but she cut him off.
"Yes, I would want them. But we're so far from that yet. I mean – she laughed – we're not even in a relationship! Don't you think we should start by that first?"
He looks at her.
"I don't want to start something, knowing you'll eventually resent me for not giving you children."
She was becoming angry and, to be honest, a little bit panicked that he would flush the idea of a relationship with her just like that.
"Look, I understand you're grieving and all, but don't put this on us...don't throw us away because you're afraid." She braced herself for what she was about to say. She made sure he was looking at her for the rest. "I want you. And only you. And i'll wait for it, as long as it takes. There's no way I'm finding somebody else just because you say you won't have our children." That last part hurt her. She couldn't believe he would refuse the idea of family with her...but then again, she suspected – hoped – that it was only the grief talking.
Jack looked at her. She could see that he wanted her, that he had feelings for her. And that the idea of her finding someone else tore him apart. He finally looked at his feet, nodding slightly. He sighed and passed his hand on his face tiredly.
Carter felt she had said all she could to salvage their relationship. She wanted desperately to run her hand up and down his back to sooth him, but knew that he wouldn't welcome it right now. He needed to be alone to sort this out. And so she rose.
"Get some sleep. I'm gonna go back to the gate and see if we can get a lock on Abydos."
He nodded and lied down.
When she reached the door, she heard him call after her.
"Carter."
She turned. She couldn't really see his face because of the light of the hallway.
"I wanna be the first to know if we get a lock." He sounded serious.
"Yes, sir." She knew how important this was for him. And she would make sure he got the news the very moment the seventh chevron would lock.
End of Chapter 1!
Copyright musical-Aven 2011