He's Mine!
The scene keeps playing through in my mind and it won't stop. I knew I had to go talk to him…eventually. I just kept chickening out and maybe even hoping he would come to me. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I wanted my midnight visit, the one that always made my heart stop. There was a lot of explaining to do about why I had sent him away the last time and told him that I couldn't be with him. It was a hard decision, but I had to get myself straight. I haven't been in control for a long time.
Three months is a long time to go without seeing or talking to Ranger. I would briefly catch a glimpse of him when I would go to RangeMan and get some papers or talk to Cal. Cal and I are partners now, and I work exclusively with him. I have no real contact with Ranger. I'm sure Cal tells Ranger everything that goes on, but I'm out of that loop. As far as I know, Ranger hasn't been around when I was working on skips. After all, I would feel his presence…I always have. Its funny, I never had that "sixth sense" thing going on with Joe.
All the guys have been really quiet towards me. I really miss the Merry Men. They were all my friends. Ranger probably gave them orders not to have contact and to go through Cal for any information. The guys know when Ranger is serious.
Each week has been harder to get through than the previous one, but I had to know what I wanted. I knew I wanted Ranger, but leaving Joe wasn't easy. We had so much history, good and bad. Joe wasn't a bad guy and he would have probably tried his best to give me a good Berg life. I'm the one that couldn't make that happen. That isn't the life for me. I want a life with Ranger, even though I'm not sure what kind of arrangement that may be…sure as hell won't be boring!
I guess the plan seemed simple in my mind yesterday. Go to RangeMan and talk to Ranger. That idea scared the begeezees out of me! Maybe I could have just called and talked to him. No, Steph, no backing down. Everything I wanted with Ranger was on the line this time.
I hadn't planned any of this for yesterday. I was impulsive. The time spent fantasizing about Ranger had been getting more frequent. If I don't take care of this soon, I'm going to need a seeing-eye dog! Watch those hormones, girl. They have gotten you so in over your head, so many times. I showered, did the hair and makeup thing, and got into a sundress and sandals. Not too sexy, but should get his attention. Oh boy, I had wanted his attention bad. My whole body started getting warm, whew…it has been a long time. This is not a good way to go into this first talk with Ranger. Remember Steph, you cannot be objective and be thinking about sex with Ranger.
When I had gotten to RangeMan, Ranger's office door was shut, but he knew I was in the building. His guys don't leave anything left untold when Ranger was concerned, they knew better. I knew the men in the Control Room told him I was going to his office this time, not to my cube as usual. I knocked and he said, "Enter." One word response…not that unusual for him…but it sounded scary. Especially since he knew who was on the other side of the door. I had some explaining to do, so I probably deserved a less than warm reception. Keep positive.
"Hey," I said, nervously. "Hope I didn't interrupt anything too serious." I tried to give him the best smile I could. Eeek, my hearts about to pop out of my chest and my hands keep twisting back and forth over each other. He knows how nervous I am, he knows me better than anyone on earth.
"Hi, Steph." He looked at me with those gorgeous brown eyes. Those eyes just weren't saying what I wanted to hear. Since Ranger was a man of few words, I usually did the talking and he responded with a look. The look I was getting was not too warm and fuzzy!
He didn't call me Babe. I am just Steph now. I am starting to regret this whole idea. Oh boy, I wish Lulu would call me or something would give me an excuse to get the hell out of here. I think I'm going to have an anxiety attack!
"Steph, we need to talk. Let's go upstairs." He got up and led me out of the office and up to his seventh floor apartment. We were quiet the whole way to the apartment. Being in the elevator with him was so hard. So many memories.
He didn't smile. He didn't kiss me. He didn't do any of the things that I took for granted all those times we had been together. What do I do now? I can't use my flirty stuff to avoid this and, with Ranger, sometimes that was all I had to create a diversion. I am in uncharted waters here and I'm having a hard time controlling my thoughts or my tendency towards leaky eyes. I do not want him to see me cry today. I need to keep it together.
Ranger opened the apartment door and put down his keys. The apartment looked the same as it had 3 months ago, but it was a little different, too. Not sure what was different, but my radar was picking up something. I tried to do a quick eye scan to see if anything looked like it belonged to someone other than Ranger. I don't know what I would do if I found anything.
"Take a seat on the sofa, Steph. Would you like a bottle of water?"
"Yes, please." I barely got that out. My face was getting flush…my hands were sweaty. I wanted to bolt out of that apartment. I don't want to hear what he is going to say. I'm going to cry. He's going to tell me he hates me and that I need to go away. Oh gees, I'm a mess. Get a grip.
Ranger took a seat in the chair. He was quiet and showed no emotion. His dress was the usual black t-shirt, cargos and boots…he was as delicious looking as ever. I found my eyes tracing every outline on his body, from top to bottom. I hope he didn't see that! Good luck with that, he did not miss anything. Hell, he even had that ESP thing. He turned and looked at me. His eyes focused completely on my face. I could not turn away.
"Steph, we need to talk about the last time we saw each other. That day in your bedroom was important for both of us. "
I know he is talking, but I cannot concentrate. I remember that day in my bedroom, vividly. We were naked and exploring each other's body. The joy was mutual and the heat was unbearable. He could make me crazy with a look, but a touch and a look were deadly. When he added kissing and hands I was done. There was no turning back. I wanted it bad. Boy did I get it! There was not a square inch of me that had not been kissed or stroked to within an inch of its life. His tongue was lethal and he had me begging for mercy. That day, though, Ranger got the treatment that put a smile on his face. He realized what it was like to be totally at my mercy. My hands and my kisses covered his whole body. I took him to the edge and let him linger there. When I finally decided to end his misery and take all of him in my mouth, he moaned and gasped just as I had when I was on the receiving end. I loved having that power over him!
We were lying on our sides, facing each other. Sometimes eyes say so much. He told me he loved me and that he did not want to let me go. I started feeling nervous. I wanted him and I wanted a relationship, but I didn't feel like everything had been worked out. I just left Joe, and that was a relationship that lasted years. What if I wasn't ready to go into something this serious? Ranger is the best man I could ever hope to find. I do not want to mess it up by not being sure of myself.
Ranger was lying on his side looking into my face. His eyes were almost looking into my soul. He could see the fear and hesitation in my eyes. I cannot hide from him.
"Babe, you look a little tense? Want to share?"
"I'm so confused right now. I know I love you, but I do not know how I am going to handle that. I wanted two different men at the same time! How messed up is that. I should have left Joe a long time ago, I just was not brave enough. I wanted to be with you, but I was too scared to take that leap. I knew where I was going with Joe, but with you, I have no idea where I will end up."
"I need time to think this through. I should not have been with you today. It was amazing and wonderful, but I am afraid sex is just a distraction. I need to know what our relationship will be like when we are not tearing off each other's clothes every day. What will we have then?
"Ranger, I don't know what to do. Being with you makes me the happiest I have ever been. However, it also scares the hell out of me. When you look at me, I start to breath heavy and get all tingly. My mind goes blank when you nuzzle my neck and kiss me. All my thoughts go to getting you into bed. I need to be with you without the sex, but I do not think that is possible. We cannot be together without the sexual part clouding my mind. I need to know what the foundation of our relationship will be. It can't always be sex." There, I had said something honest to him. Shit, had I really said that! Had I said sex with him was a distraction? Oh God, I feel sick. I started feeling myself tear up.
"Babe, I am going to disconnect from you and give you time. The next move is yours to make. But remember, I may not be waiting for you when you come back." He kissed my check and left.
I went into the bathroom and threw-up. My first few days after that were a big blur. All I did was cry and eat. Poor Lulu has gained 10 pounds just trying to be my friend. I eat, she eats.
I snapped back to reality when I heard Ranger clear his throat.
"Steph, are you there?" Ranger was trying to get me attention. How long had I been sitting on his sofa thinking about that day. Oh god, I hope I did not say anything aloud!
"Sorry, I was remembering our last day together. I umm, I do not know what to say. I've got all these things in my head but I can't get anything to come together so it will make sense."
Ranger continued. "You need to listen to me so this can be very clear in your mind. We need to have this talk, like it or not." I was trying to hold myself together. Ranger got up and started walking around the room. Slowly, like he was truly in his zone and nothing was going to get him to come out of it.
When he finally spoke, it was almost as if he had memorized this speech in his head. Oh God, he has thought about this for a long time but he was waiting for me to make the move. After all, I am the one that started this ball rolling.
"Steph, I don't know if anyone has told you or not, but I have been seeing someone." He stopped talking and he stood in front of me. His eyes just watching me. I was completely without words at that moment. Not a damn thing seemed right to say. I could feel the flush of red come up my neck and onto my face. I wanted to just sink into the sofa and disappear.
WTF! Now there is an explanation as to why the guys at RangeMan were keeping so quiet. Either they were told by Ranger to not say anything, or they did not say anything to avoid hurting me. Great…I am out either way!
"After I left your apartment that day, I wasn't sure I would ever have another chance with you. You could even have gone back to Joe and then that completely unhealthy cycle would have started over again. Steph, you get me rattled and, in my profession, that can have deadly consequences. For a number of reasons, I could not keep loosing focus. I really tried to disconnect completely from you. It was hard, but I did it. All the guys knew what happened and understood my orders to them: Unless you were in danger, and Cal needed back-up, there was to be no interaction with Steph. Cal was to be the contact."
He turned around and took a seat in the chair. He started doing that steeple thing with his fingers. His gaze was down at the floor, with his hands on his forehead.
I had not come prepared for this talk. Time for me to go, and quickly. If I do this right, I can be out of the apartment and in the elevator before I start to cry. What more can I say or do here? He can't stop me from leaving, he has to remember that much about me! Well, he can stop me if he wants, after all he is Ranger.
Ranger stood up and came over to me, slowly. "Don't leave. You need to tell me why you came here."
Damn it. How the hell did he know what I was thinking! Shit We are over, but his ESP still works on me.
"Ranger, I came here to tell you that I trust my feelings now. I am not just in love with you because sex with you is the most fabulous thing I have ever experienced. You make me feel like I can do anything and you will support me. You believe in me, even when I drive you crazy. I trust you.
"I have been thinking about what you do to me. The smiles that make me get all nervous and make my heart skip. Your kisses that turn me into jelly. There has never been a time that you kissed me that I have not felt that way. I had to skedaddle away so many times just to keep myself from going further than I should. Not having you touch me and call me Babe is making me crazy." There. That is it. No more to say. Breathe girl, breathe.
Ranger did one of his half smiles and came over to the sofa. He sat next to me and did not say anything for a minute. Slowly, he cradled my face in his hands and kissed me gently. I could feel tears starting to pool in my eyes. I felt myself start to shake a little. A little tear plopped down on my leg, then another and another. There was no stopping the tears now.
A box of tissues appeared on my lap. He had his hand on the back of my neck. It felt warm and soothing as he sofltly squeezed and rubbed my shoulders. The warmth started spreading down my chest and tingles ran down my spin. I shuddered and started feeling my nipples harden with anticipation. I could feel my thighs start to get warm. Another few seconds and I'm going to melt. He pulled me to his chest and slowly started nibbling my ear and pushing his hands firmly, slowly, down my back. My whole body was starting to react without me giving it permission!
Ranger's body was reacting as well. He was shifting ever so slightly to accommodate his growing bulge. His breathing was deep, rhythmic, and accelerating at the same pace as mine. My hands were running through his hair and down his arms, feeling the wonderful outline of his muscles. We both started angling towards each other. Our bodies were starting to press harder and harder against each other. Oh god, I have waited so long for this!
I could feel Ranger start to pull away from me. His hands wrapped around mine and he looked deeply into my eyes. Our breathing was still heavy and our bodies were so ready to start making love! Why is he stopping?
"Babe, this can't happen today. I am not in the same position I was in three months ago. I have a relationship with Leah and I do not want to hurt her. I'm sorry Babe. If I hadn't stopped now I would not have been able to control myself. This has always been the way you make me feel. You make me crazy. I need to spend some time figuring out what to do now that you are back in my life."
WHAT! I have waited months to get this close to having Ranger naked and another woman has to be a part of our decision. GEEEZZZ! Perfect, just freakin' perfect…
He gave me a smile and stroked my check. I know he is doing the right thing, but why does it feel so bad. I guess I am the one that will have to stand back and wait for a decision this time. Wow, now I know how Ranger felt all those months when I was going
back and forth with Joe. The next move is his.
"Ranger, I think I should go." A lump was forming in my throat and I starting to cry. He held me tightly to his chest and stroked my hair until I stopped crying. His eyes were soft and I think he wanted to scoop me up and carry me off. His morals would not allow that, though. Guess that is one of the reasons I love him so much. It is just right now is not exactly the time I want to be moral.
I pulled away gently and stood to leave. My purse was by the door on table. My eyes glanced down to the floor and I saw a pair of pink flip-flops. My radar was right after all. Leah had made her way this far in 2 months.
Ranger kissed me and we parted without saying anything. What's to say!
I walked to the elevator and waited. When the door opened, a woman was standing there looking at me. She smiled and slipped out of the elevator. I was not looking my best and stray tears were still making their way down my cheeks. I turned to watch her make her way to Ranger's door. So, that is Leah. Yep, I have competition.
I need to go home and try to figure out how I am going to get him back. Stop with the mental questions, Steph! She probably is in his bed. Does he call her "Babe?" Do the guys like her? I feel sick. I want to slide down the elevator wall and just cry.