This is my first try on a Hellsing fanfic. A friend of mine showed me Hellsing, and I toughed it kicked ass. Then I saw the ova version, and that kicked even more ass! Now I waiting for the next one to come out (witch takes ages) so I thought to myself 'meh, might as well fantasise about it.'
This is the first time I'm doing it from a pov kind off way. So please be gentle ;p
As for my Naruto fans: don't worry, I'm still continuing that story. Just felt like trying something new.

Legal stuff: I do not own Hellsing (though it would be kinda cool if I did, wouldn't it?). This is purely a fan made parody and nothing more. Got it? You damn well better.

''The little man was running for his life, looking behind him if he lost his pursuers: there was nothing behind him, only tombstones.

He heard a sound in front of him and turned to it. 'Who's there?!' he asked fearfully. The graveyard remained silent, he could only hear the cold wind, raging like it was something living.

Then, he saw shadows take shape before him, and a long, white man appeared in front of him.

'Don't worry,' the man said with a grin. 'It won't hurt, for long.''

I deleted the entire text. That was way too cliché. I pondered over how to continue my story, I found none, so I closed my laptop and decided to take a walk outside.

My name is Jack and I'm a writer. Well, rather someone who is trying to become a writer, because not a single publisher found my books interesting. The best comment I had so far was 'an amateuristic attempt to imposture other famous writers, like Stephen King (yeah, he was an ass).'

What to tell about me? Well, I'm 70 inch long, have short brown hair, 19 year old and am, in my humble opinion, quite good-looking.

My original parents, whose identity I still dunno, ditched me in an orphanage witch frankly, sucked. So it wasn't before long that I rented the cheapest apartment money could buy and took a job. My job is just your average office job. If you where expecting something cool like a vampire hunter or a astronaut, then I'm sorry to disappoint.

Don't I ever wonder who my parents where? Sure, but when I have one of those moments, I look at the strange tattoo I got on my chest. It is a pentagram with strange symbols around it (I think it's Latin) and that always convinced me not to look for them, they were probably creeps anyways. I mean, seriously, who give's their son a tattoo… from birth?

I breath in the cold evening air, walking down the barren streets of Londen.

My friends call me crazy for living in such a bad neighborhood, but I didn't mind. It was quite out here, much less crowded then the center of Londen. I could even say these streets had a certain 'serenity' to it.

I decided to rent a good horror movie and watch it with a bowl of popcorn, a vampire movie, preferably. I like those. Well, I liked those. Because little did I know that, after tonight, my live would turn into a vampire movie. With the big star being: myself.

I saw a pale figure come to me from the corner of my street. It was a young woman that didn't seemed to be from around here. She had long black hair and red lips that where in deep contrast to her pale skin. She looked uncertainty around her. It looked like she looked lost.

A tourist?

'Excuse me,' she said to me with a slight French accent. 'Could you tell me where the station is?'

A tourist.

'Oh that's easy,' I said with the most friendliest smile I could muster. 'You just have to follow this…'

As I turned to show her the way, a heard a growling behind me, like from a hungry animal. I turned myself around to face the source of the sound and, to my surprise, it was coming from the woman.

Before I could even say something, she grabbed me bit me in my neck. I screamed out of pain and surprise. I used my as much strenght as I had in my mussels to push her off me. She didn't move an inch. I now started to hit her with my fist, that didn't work either. After only a short while, I couldn't continue hitting her, I've had lost too much blood. Was this how I was going to die?

Suddenly, a thunderous 'bang' was heard trough the air. The woman flew of me with enormous strenght, as if she was hit by a train. I looked in the direction of where the sound came from while I put my hand on my bleeding neck. I saw a big man in front of me with a really, really big silver gun aimed at my head.

His black hair was moving in the wind, though there was none. He was wearing a black suit covered with a long red coat. An expertly knotted looped tie that was also red was around his neck. And a pale face with red, fierce eyes. If I wouldn't know better, I would say they where on fire.

'Out of my way, boy,' he said with a low, velvety voice.

Not feeling to get shot, I obeyed and looked at what he was aiming, if it wasn't for me. He was aiming for the woman that attacked me, who was still standing, despite her arm was blown off.

She took a gun out of her pocket and started shooting the big red man like crazy. I was quite astound to see how the man was hit by all the bullets, but the wounds almost immediately vanished. The man reopened fire. With one hit, the woman's head was obliterated and she turned into dust. Was I hallucinating? Big, funny red men recovering from bullet-wounds instantly and women who turned into dust? What did I smoke?

The man returned his attention to me. 'Tell me, boy, are you a virgin?'

'E-excuse me?!' I could only utter as this shade of my imagination was now starting to get really personal.

He smirked and took aim at my head. If snakes could smirk, that's how it would look like. 'It doesn't matter, you'll turn in either a ghoul or a vampire, and I must obliterate both.' His finger squeezed a little tighter around the trigger of his gun. 'Prepare for an eternity in hell.'

But before he could prove that, even imagination could kill, he was impaled by ten bayonets. 'Dust to dust, ash to ash, amen!'

I looked behind the mysterious man to see my savior. It was some sort of priest, with a bayonet in both of his hands. I couldn't see his face, it was too dark and he was too far away.

It's official, I was hallucinating. Killer priests? R-i-g-h-t.

The red man started to chuckle as he turned to the priest and removed the bayonets. Again, his wounds recovered. 'To what do I own the pleasure, Judas priest?'

'Spare me yar mockery, damn demon. I came here for that vampire in making.' He pointed at me with one of his bayonets. 'But since you're here, I might as well whip da floor with ya.'

The red man now started to laugh as he pulled an even bigger gun out of his suit. 'Then fight me!'

The priest ran towards the man as he was shooting him. I couldn't see the conclusion of the battle as I was dragged away by something strong. I was dragged into a small side street, turned around to face a black man with red eyes and felt how a long sword was put on my troath.

'Are you a virgin?'

God effing dammit, what was it with everyone wanting to known if I was a virgin?!

'I said, are you a virgin?!' the black man said while putting the blade even closer to my troath.

'Y-yes, okay?!' There was no harm in telling him, since he was a part of my imagination anyways. I could wake up any minuet now in a hospital bed. It would turn out that I had eaten some spoiled food and the doctor would say: 'That trip you had is going to give you all the fantasy you need for your book.'

'Kay, you're one of us now, I'll help ya out. Lets get out of here.' He removed the blade from my neck and gave me some breeding space. 'Yo man, what are you standing there?! We gotta run! Before big red comes after us!'

I wasn't planing on moving an inch, since it wasn't my habit of wandering off with people who treathend me.

The man rolled with his eyes. 'Oh, Crist.' He took me by my jacket and started dragging me again. I tried to escape his grip, but he wasn't planning of letting go. Then again, I hadn't much energy left to fight back, the wound was still bleeding. I started to feel dizzy, my feet and fingers where going numb as well. So tired, maybe I'll just take a nap or something... I fell into a deep sleep, not knowing that this was my last moment as a human.

(Allucard's pov)

My fight with the priest was very satisfying. Hunting such feeble vampires can become such a bore after a time.

I regenerated my wounds, the priest did the same. How much I wanted to stay and devour him, I couldn't, Integra wanted these vampires cleaned up by dawn. I smirked at him. 'I'm sorry that I can't stay and play any longer, Judas priest, but I have a mission to complete. That vampire needs to be exterminated.'

'Not going to happen, fiend. That vampire is mine.'

A grin came over my face as I toughed up a way to enjoy myself some longer. 'Then how about a game? Whoever kills the vampire first, wins.' I knew that the paladin, noble as he was, couldn't let such a challenge slip.

He seemed to think about it, although I already knew the answer. 'Fine, but if I win, then I may kill your little draculina.'

Interesting, a game with stakes? 'Sure, but if I win...' I whetted my lips with my long tongue. '...Then I may have a taste of your blood.' It wasn't like he was going to win, anyways. And besides, did I gave him my word?

'Then it's settled.' He disappeared in a flurry of bible-pages.

I laughed. How a hunt on a weak vampire could still prove to be enjoyable.

Yeah, I know, I messed up Alexanders accent. But it was pretty darn good for the rest, no? Review please, I can use some fresh ideas!