No Killing
I dunno what's wrong with me. So much business
to be done. So many contracts to accept. So much blood waiting to stream
between my fingers, hot and sticky, smelling metallic, tasting sweet and salty
at the same time. So many victims to kill.
Kill.
I can't kill.
Ya won't understand. I don't either. Just don't
think about some stupid remorse, or regret, or guilt, or whatever you think I
must feel for some damn reason. No. Leave this f*cking psychological shit to
Xavier.
Stupid ol' Chuck.
What've you done to me?
Will you ever understand?
I hate you, yeah. Hate you for that damn
mansion, that cell you locked me in, that shackles. Sometimes I still feel them
as if they're on me again. Heavy an' cold. Leaving no place for hope.
I can't kill.
I feel the monster roaring in my head. He's
thirsty. He needs blood. Only blood can calm him. Monster… It was time when he
didn't exist. Only animal. Animal with heightened senses, inhuman strength,
canines an' claws. It was there – tensed and alerted. Always under control.
Until my dad threw me into that basement.
Cold floor. Damp walls. Rusty chains. Chocking
collar 'round the neck.
Pain.
Animal could handle it. De-clawed and
de-fanged, it still could hold on.
Humiliation.
Animal broke down. The monster was born. The
monster that had done what animal could never do.
He killed.
I can't kill.
Every time I'm close to my victim, ready to
slash him to shreds, I hit some invisible barrier. I'm not able to break
through it, but monster denies. He just can't understand and accept it, so he
throws me against the barrier again and again, until I can't handle it anymore.
Exhausted, I fall on the ground. My body hurts. My mind screams for release and
terrified shriek of escaping victim is barely heard behind frustrated roar of monster.
He wants blood. He needs blood. And he'll take it. From me.
You killed me, Chuck.
Laying on the ground with my head pounding, I
can see you face in my clouded vision. ~I'll cure you from killing~ F*ck you. I
don' need your cure. Not like this. You acted so shallow. Wanted to restrain me
and save some people's lives… In some way, if I could look from aside, you've
got some sense. You follow your principles. Protecting. Helping. However, I'm
not the one you'll protect – I don't need your protection; I'm not the one
you'll care about euther – no good in carrying about villains. So I won't look
from aside.
You made a mistake, Chuck.
Restrained me instead of restraining monster.
The same as closing people in a gas-room not to let gas poison others outside.
I escaped your basement – and got into another cell. Mind cell. Locked with
myself. Animal sits in the corner. It can do nothing, so it just sits there
annoyed and pays no attention to us. The man if terrified. He leans to the wall
with his back and hopes the monster won't notice him. If he does, the man will
fight back. But he knows he's too weak to win. However, he doesn't need to
worry, the monster doesn't give a damn to him or animal in the corner. He
attacks me.
He attacks me for my helplessness.
He wants out, so he slashes me every damn
moment.
Deep.
Deeper…
Pain. I'll handle it.
You had not right, Chuck.
You're not a god.
I'll survive. I'm face to face with myself now,
and I'll win.
I'll win.
