For Kath, because she understands and I love her.
also dedicated to Gid, Dora, Cissa, Evan, Lulu, Ben, Doc, Alec, Emilia
and everyone else who died in the war or when the dream ended
Song; American Beauty - Thomas Newman
/3
You are 7 and your sisters are perfect. They show you the world. Andy tells you to not jump in the mud. She tells you that you have to be a lady. Bella shows you how to make your toys levitate, and you can't help but wonder if you're ever going to be as good as them.
You are 11 and you are a Slytherin. Your hair is blonde and your eyes are blue and everyone loves you. You dislike the loud boys, love the shy blonde girl in your dorm and all the sweets your mother sends you. You are free and it feels glorious.
You are 14 and you are the tallest girl in your year. You take astronomy and care of magical creatures because you are fascinated by unicorns. Four boys have asked you to Hogsmeade but you tell them you would never date a half blood. You know your blood is pure and you deserve better. But you still send flirty smiles and looks at the cute boys, even though you will never go anywhere with them. You enjoy getting their attention because you were always the youngest and sometimes overlooked. But your blood is pure and you are a lady.
You are 16 and you have dropped care of magical creatures because you don't care to get dirty. You are dating Evan Rosier and you let him go further than you've ever gone before. You let him press his lips against your neck, his hands restless on your back and hips. You wonder if you love him or not and realise that you don't know. But you still let him show you the things you've only heard about before. You know he makes you the most popular girl at school and that you make him the most popular boy. Your mother told you to not think with your heart and you are following her advice. Yet you think more than once that maybe, maybe you love him. You kiss in an empty classroom and you think that nothing can be more exciting. Your hair is long and your lashes are pale but you enchant them to look dark. The boy in your astronomy class has a crush on you and he does your homework every week but you never thank him. Your cousin is sorted into Gryffindor and you keep kissing Evan Rosier in empty classrooms.
You are 17 and you love him. You wonder if he loves you too and think that he probably doesn't. Is he capable of love? You're not sure. But you smile every time he visits. You spread light kisses on his lips, cheek, forehead. You are a seventh year with too many responsibilities and his visits are rare. You find the pressure of school overwhelming, but you tell yourself that if he could do it so can you. You graduate and realise that nothing will be the same.
You are 18 and you are getting married. You can't stand looking at the man standing next to your fiancée, because you wish you were marrying him and it's so painful. If only you weren't a Black. If only your sister hadn't embarrassed the family. Maybe then you'd be allowed to marry who you wanted, even if he was the king of scandalous behaviour. You cried on your wedding day and it wasn't from of happiness.
You are 22 and you have returned to a place you thought you'd left forever. London is changed but it's still the same and you want to run back to France. You are aware of the glares and whispers, but you do not pay them any attention. You are older, more mature and you know better. Know better than to risk your reputation and status for anything. Your husband taught you that. He taught you to be cold and calculating and not to trust your heart. You realise you have become your mother. But your heart still skips a beat whenever you see him. You greet him politely, but you are strangers to one another. There is no warmth in your smiles and it makes you sad. You still love him.
You are 24 and this is love. Forbidden, sweet and true. No one would understand so you don't tell them. You are trapped but you've not been this happy in years. All the wealth, glamour and power do not measure up to this. He is your everything and you love him more than your whole life. The affair is your best kept secret. You usually spread gossip as easy as you breathe, but for once you are quiet. You meet at his house and you toy with his emotions even though you don't want to. He begs you to leave your husband. He begs for you to be his. But he knows you won't - can't - do it. You cannot divorce because it is practically unheard of. You cannot go with him because you would ruin your family, just like she did. But you want to. You have never wanted anything more. You tell him that when you lie next to him, but you never give in to his begging. Eventually he stops, and you cannot bare the look in his eyes.
You are 26 and you were never alive before this. His tiny fingers wrap around yours and it was all worth it. He is the sun, true sheer innocent happiness. You thought you loved before but you realise you didn't even know what it was. You would give up your life for this tiny perfect angel. His white blonde hair is not yours but his eyes are. He is perfect and innocent and you wish him to never turn out like his father. Your whole world has been lit by the joy your son brings with him. No one can resist him and he makes you so proud. He sneezes one day and makes a glass in front of his burst into sand and your husband almost cries. You place your hand on his and for the first time you realise that maybe you love him too. You have a husband, a lover and a son and for the moment that's all you need.
You are 27 and your heart is shattered. A piece of your soul is gone and will never be found again. Because he is gone and you can't handle it. Your soulmate was killed by an auror and he is never coming back. Everything is dark and the only light you have is your son. But even he cannot take away the pain. You go to his funeral but you do not cry. To everyone else you look unaffected - cold. You have built a wall so high no one can reach you. But your sorrow cannot be but into words. You buy your son everything he wants but spoiling him only numbs your pain for so long. Your husband hates you for being so sad. He hates that your heartbreak is so obvious, that you are so changed. He knows you loved him more, so he acts cold around you. And you don't care. You don't care and you don't want to care. You are surrounded by darkness and you watch as the world you know crumbles around you.
You are 28 and your son is starting to look more and more like his father. You have learned to like it, learned to accept that your life is like this now. You are alive only because of your son. His happiness makes you happy even though you are not. You visit the grave for hours at a time. Sometimes you share your thoughts and worries with him because you know he's still listening. You tell him your son finally set something on fire and you tell him of the party you arranged last week. You tell him that you miss your sister and that you are worried Azkaban will break her like it broke her husband. You tell him that his best friend and your husband managed to escape the same fate and that you are glad he's a good liar. The world is changed and you want him to know. So you sit by his grave until you realise that he cannot hear you. After a few months you stop visiting.
You are 37 and your son is starting school. He looks like your husband but his eyes are still like yours. You are at the platform and you cry while giving him a hug. He whines that you are embarrassing him and you smile. Your husband is there too but he is busy speaking with someone from work about the rumours that Harry Potter is starting his first year as well. You could not care less about that boy. But memories you have not seen in years reappear when you think of the boy, and for the first time in years you think of the man you loved so deeply you could not think clear. You visit his grave once more and it feels like nothing has changed. The stone looks worn and uncared for and you do your best to make it respectable again. You place your flowers on the ground and put your fingers against your lips before placing them over his name. You say goodbye with a kiss and a promise. You promise that you will be reunited some day and you think to yourself that you wish that day was tomorrow. But you live for your son and he needs you.
But one day you will see your beloved again and that day will be wonderful.
my heart is broken please don't revive me, goodbye chaos /3