SM owns.
Thank you to Mari and Sunflower Fanfiction for all the time they dedicate to fixing my mistakes.
This was inspired by the song Animal I Have Become by Three Days Grace (and a little influence from the song Drop the World by Lil'Wayne ft. Eminem) and it ended up going for charity for the Stand Up 4 Katalina Compilation last year. I thought it was time I posted it here.
Enjoy.
More Than Blood.
I see her walking with her head down. I don't know what the hell she was thinking walking alone at this hour in this neighborhood. Actually, yeah, I know what she's thinking. She's thinking that she's not good enough to be noticed. She probably thinks she won't attract the attention of anyone. Not even drunk criminals will look at her.
She has it so wrong. So fucking wrong.
I thought that this would change over the years, but it hasn't. She's still insecure.
I walk at human speed through the allies and the buildings, following her silently until she gets to her dorm. Her heartbeat and her scent guide me even though I walk this path every day. I keep my senses on alert in case something goes wrong.
I analyze sounds and smells while keeping track of her. When I hear her searching for her keys in her messenger bag, I groan in annoyance. Why doesn't she keep her keys where she can easily find them? What if she needs to run inside for protection? I need to find a way to let her know these things. If she is going to keep leaving the library so late at night, she might as well start taking precautions.
After some fumbling around, she finds the keys and walks the final four steps it takes her to be in the safety of her dorm. I breathe a sigh of relief when she steps inside.
I can feel my muscles relaxing while I listen to her going around her room, doing her nightly ritual.
As usual, I jump to the tree outside her building that allows me to peek inside her room. It's not nearly as close as I'd like to be, but it's enough for me to handle.
Lust, love, and hunger mixed inside me as I watch her chest rise and fall while she sleeps. The wind blows occasionally, bringing her scent closer to me. I try not to breathe, but I'm not controlled enough. So eventually I give in, and when I do, it tears me apart. Fucking rips me open. The smell of her blood is like a knife cutting through my throat.
It's been three days since I've hunted. I need to eat again tonight.
At 2:30 when she seemed like she wasn't going to have nightmares tonight, I left. I went to the same bar, found myself a faceless body and drained it.
It was a woman, a hooker. She struggled a lot. I fought the urge to fuck her before I killed her. I was turned on by her force. The hunger and the lust intertwined, as usual. The beast inside me overpowering any sense of logic and reason at all times. Some said I was still too young. Some said my human age was ruling my thoughts and my urges.
It didn't matter the reason.
This is who I am now.
This is who I've been for the past 3 years.
Just another monster.
Sated or at least comfortable enough to be near her scent again, I made my way to my tree. As soon as I got there, I felt it. She was restless in her sleep. Her skin was glowing with sweat, her heart was racing, and I could smell the fear in her blood.
What made me think tonight was going be different? It's always the same. She goes to sleep calmly, drugging herself with sleeping pills. I leave to hunt, then come back to find her screaming.
The only nights she sleeps calmly are the ones when I don't leave. I've always wondered if, in some ways, she knows I'm here. I wonder if it's me who can keep her dreaming.
I hold onto the branch of the tree to keep myself from going inside and consoling her. I can't be near her ever again. This is the closest I can ever get and it breaks me every second of every hour of every goddamned, cursed day. Every day I have to be okay with watching her from afar because she wouldn't survive my closeness.
I wouldn't survive her closeness.
I would kill her in an instant.
In a second.
I would take her in my arms to hug her, and I would break her bones. Afterwards I would drink every last drop of her rich blood. And then I would scream at the impotence, at the unfairness, at the injustice of this life.
While I battled with myself and my fucked up life, Bella's breathing became more relaxed. Her lungs started to fill with air; her breaths are no longer pants. Her heart rate was slowly returning back to normal, and her blood was losing the sting of the fear.
As soon as she relaxes, I start to feel better. For like a nanosecond. Because I can't never feel better, or good, or happy. I'm just in a perpetual state of bitterness, and depression.
Why wouldn't I?
I mean, my story is pretty much a tragedy. Or maybe I'm pathetic and I like to feel bad for myself. Who knows?
The thing is, I had it all, the perfect life. The motherfucking rainbows and unicorns and pot of gold, and heavenly happiness and fucking love. I had love. All around me. My family, my friends, my girlfriend.
Love.
Happiness.
Success.
I was the fucking golden child at home.
The prodigy at school.
I had real friends, friends that loved me for me, not because I was popular.
And most importantly, I had Bella.
I grew up with her and I swear I fell for her the instant I saw her. My mother used to love telling me stories about how the Swans moved into the house next door the same week I was born. She told me about Bella and I spending hours in our cribs just looking at each other's eyes. Not moving, not touching, not crying, just staring.
I was falling in love then.
At the young age of four, we gave each other our first kiss. My mom captured the moment. It was perfection.
My frozen heart breaks all over again when I think back to all the good things I had. All the good things I felt. I had in Bella, what other people only dreamt about. Our love was innocent but strong. It was passion and tenderness.
To know that I had Heaven, only to be living in an eternal Hell right now, paralyzes me with anger.
I've lost it all. Only to be replaced by this consuming fire that is my thirst.
I can't escape myself.
I can't control myself.
The only thing getting me by at all is her. Watching her inhale and exhale life soothes the ache inside me. Listening to her heartbeat forces me to keep going.
But not even my beautiful Bella can help with the hate I feel.
The frustration. The pain. The suffering. The rage.
All those people I've killed fill my mind, screaming, driving me mad. I've punished them for my curse. I've made them pay for everything I've lost. I ruthlessly, savagely devour them each time I hunt to compensate my miserable existence with their suffering.
Bella can never know the despicable monster I am now. Even though I ache for her soothing touch. I ache for her love. And yet, despite how I feel, I could never…I would never allow myself to seek the comfort she could provide me.
It'd be her death.
I'm sure that if I get close enough to touch her, I will end up punishing her for my curse as well. Because being the despicable animal I've become, sometimes I hate her.
It fucking rips me apart to watch her go around her life like this. A lifeless body; a tired skeleton going through the motions. She's given up on everything and I haven't seen her smile her real smile not once in the twelve months since I've started following her.
She, who has the chance to live; she, who is human, and alive is wasting her time away.
Because of me; the vampire, the hunter, the monster.
The next day is all of the same. She gets up, takes a shower, gets dress and leaves without eating breakfast. I follow her around while she goes from class to class and cringe every time someone tries to approach her during the day. It's painful to watch. Some of them are clueless to how uninterested in them she is. Some of them look with pity to what's left of my precious girl. And some of them are just plain rude.
But she doesn't seem to care. She doesn't care about any of it. She just goes to her classes and does what's necessary for her to get good grades. Then her shift at the Library begins and it's the only time when I see her a tiny bit relaxed. Not happy, not smiling, not even content…but I can see this is where she feels comfortable.
I hide. I creep. I jump on buildings while making myself invisible to her. Always looking in from outside, because I can't be a part of her life.
She hasn't eaten at all today, I think while I'm hiding in one of the campus' buildings. I'm thankful, or…less hateful to the part of me that allows me to see so clearly from such a long distance. It's…helpful.
I watch as she puts away books, trying to be as quiet as possible. She doesn't want people to notice her even though is inevitable they do.
"Hey!" A guy with brown hair whisper-yells at her. I see her flinch before she continues to put books away. "Isabella!" He continues in that ridiculous voice manner. I've seen this one before. His name is Tyler. He keeps asking Bella on dates. Each time he asks her, I fight the urge to decapitate him in his sleep. I go from wanting her to actually say yes, so that she can finally start to move on with her life and be happy, to craving the sound of her rejection to him.
I watch Bella take a deep breath before putting the book she's holding down and turning around to face the guy.
"Hi Tyler," She says in a somewhat normal voice. She always talks in a low, dead voice, so I guess this is her normal tone. It's not the one I fell in love with, but it's still music to my ears.
Both of their hearts race during this conversation, but for entirely different reasons. Tyler is attracted to her, so he's always nervous when they talk. And Bella is just plain terrified about interacting with people. Their conversation is awkward at best, and after a stretch of silence, the guy goes for it one more time.
"So, I was thinking…we could…go grab a bite to eat." He stumbles over his words. I have to admit he's one persistence motherfucker. Bella's heart races even faster, and for a minute I'm scared she will have a heart attack. She takes a deep breath and goes back to her task with the books while mumbling incoherence. When he persists that he can't understand what she's saying, she faces him again.
"I can't. I have to…do this big project. It's…I'm way behind so…" She says. He fucking smiles at her and shakes his head.
"I could come over then…and help you." I guess he sounds genuine and kind, or what the fuck ever.
"No, I mean…thanks but…I work better alone so…I'm just…" She rambles on, trying to find a way to get out of this without hurting his feelings. I know.
Before I see it, I hear her sharp intake of breath as he touches her arm. The sound she made is as if someone burned her. It's heart-wrenching. I get closer to the window of the classroom I'm in and look intently towards the scene.
"Isabella, what happened to you? Why…why can't you just let me in?" He asks her in a concerned voice. There's some gentleness in the way he looks at her and I think that maybe he doesn't want her just to fuck. This is the first time anyone has ever asked something like this to her. In the past year, at least. I'm curious to hear her answer.
She steps away from him so that his hand is no longer touching her arm and he shakes his head.
"Tyler, I think you should go." She says, and it's the strongest her words have ever sounded. She's not willing to give in. She doesn't care for the gentleness in his voice or his eyes. She just wants him to go away.
I want him to go away too.
Go fuck yourself Tyler.
Stop touching my girl.
But he stays there, for a moment, just looking at her, searching her eyes. It's not there, you idiot. You won't find what you're looking for. And even if you did, you wouldn't recognize it. You don't know her. When he doesn't leave, Bella huffs and leaves him standing there.
That's my girl.
It's close to midnight and she hasn't left the fucking library. Same as yesterday and the day before that. It's like she knows I'm watching her and likes to test my patience. She knew I was always a bit overprotective.
"Fuck, Bella, please go home." I murmur, grasping my hair with both hands. She's reading a book, ironically enough, about vampires. She looks very engrossed and I hate it.
She needs to stop reading that shit. She needs to get her ass home. It's too fucking late.
Finally at twelve thirty, she grabs her stuff, and sneaks out. She walks, head down, hoodie up, shoulders slumped, towards her dorm. I follow through the same buildings of every night with a sense of peace.
Hopefully I won't have to hunt and I can watch her the whole night. As soon as the warm, small feeling of comfort settles inside me, I feel it. The scent. Someone else. A man. He's walking behind her. Too close.
I can't catch a fucking break.
I step up my pace, so does Bella. Her heart is racing. She knows she's being followed. The little shit thinks he is going to get away with this and he starts yelling for her. He calls her names as she rounds a corner. I'm running, but not to my full speed because even though I know I'm going to have to save her from this, from him, I also have to save her from me.
But when she trips and falls, it all goes out the window. He catches up to her and grabs her ankle dragging her as she screams. I'm on top of him in an instant.
I grab him by his shirt and carry him at lightning speed to the nearest alley. I hold him against a dirty wall and tear his skin with my teeth. His taste is bitter but it's extremely satisfying. I listen to his heart stop and then slurp the last droop of his blood.
I toss his body to the floor and break some of his bones to make it look like he fell from the building. I tear more of the skin of his neck to conceal the bite wounds.
Done.
Enjoy hell cocksucker, I think as I turn around.
Her scent hits me like a ton of bricks. She's right there. Right fucking there.
In my crazed state of revenge and hunt, I didn't feel her presence. I'm momentarily stunned by the fact that I lost track of her, even with her being so close.
Her mouth is agape. She's shocked, of course. And I, I am fucking glued to the ground. I can't move. I'm just staring because this is the first time she's been this close since what feels like forever.
I'm not breathing, because I still can't recover from the way her scent assaulted me. It was like needles cutting through every inch of my frozen skin.
"Ed—Edward?" She gasps in an incredulous voice. The pain I feel as I hear her say my name is electrifying. "Is…Is that you?" She asks and I just fucking stand there.
Leave.
Run.
Hide.
Let her believe this is part of her imagination.
That she has gone into shock or something.
Touch.
Hold.
Kiss.
Feel her warm flesh against mine, heating my ice cold soul with her presence.
Hunt.
Drink.
Devour.
Sink my teeth into her soft flesh and suck the life out of her.
"Oh My God! Oh My God!" Her voice interrupts the turmoil of my thoughts. She's hyperventilating. She's crying.
"Shh" I whisper instinctively when I see her tear-stained face. If I could kill someone right now, it'd be me. I'm an idiot. Why the fuck am I still standing here? Her eyes focus on mine and I don't know if she sees the red in them. The awe in her face must mean she doesn't.
"You're…here!" She breathes. " You're al—" She starts but I'm in her face in a second. I cover her mouth with my hand.
"No!" I yell at her.
I am not fucking alive. I'm dead. Void of everything that matters. Lacking everything that once made me a human being.
But as I press her against the wall, my hand over her mouth, her brown eyes right, fucking there, I've never felt more human. She's so fucking warm.
She's fire.
Her scent, her blood, her heartbeat, fuck!
I can't think.
I'm drunk on her.
Her neck.
So delicate.
So easy.
So close.
I lick my lips. The beast inside me is threatening to explode. I tighten my grip around her arm.
"Ow," She mumbles through my fingers on her mouth. It's like the sound of her voice and the pained look on her face, snap me out of my lust. I jump away from her in a second, all the way across the street.
She startles, not knowing what's happening. She looks around, searching for me, her eyes frantic, scared, and filled with tears. If my heart wasn't frozen and already broken, the sight of her like this would break it all over again.
I hurt but never cry, because I'm fucking cursed. So what does it matter? My pain, what does it fucking matter?
I stay glued to the sidewalk, watching her looking for me, crying, desperate. This strangled noise comes out from the back of my throat and for her sake, because I need her alive, despite of what I really want to do, I run.
I run until the dark turns to light. Twice.
I run until the chaos in my mind quiets down a bit.
I run until I'm reminded that I can't escape this hell.
I run until I decide to give in to what I really want to do.
I run until I find myself inside her room.
She's sitting on her bed, a blank look on her face. She screams when she sees me. Of course I've scared her. She stands up and covers her eyes, muttering stuff like, this is not real, this is not happening, I'm not crazy.
While she battles with her brain, I battle with my hunger. This room is infected by her scent. Everything smells like her, and if it was hard to resist her before, it's impossible now.
I don't know what the hell I'm doing here. In the future, I'll keep in mind, that running is not the best method to make a decision. I mean, what am I doing here? I'm still the same uncontrolled, desire driven monster I was before. When she finally uncovers her eyes, and takes a step towards me, my point is proven.
I tackle her.
She screams.
I cover her mouth.
She struggles.
I'm so turned on. So fucking hungry.
I want her. All of her. All of what she could give me. Her blood, her body, her love. But I can only have one thing. I can feel it moving through her body.
And I see it. I see myself draining the life out of her. I see her scared brown eyes, void of life as I drink from her. I jump to the other side of the room, open the window, and breathe in fresh air. It does nothing to calm me.
"Damn it! Shit!" I say at no one. I can hear her breathing returning back to normal. She's picking herself up from the floor.
"Edward-" She starts and the fire inside me intensifies.
"Don't say my fucking name!" I scream at her, not caring if there are people nearby who might listen.
"What's going on?!" She screams back, her voice hoarse. "You need to tell me! Please! Please, tell me I'm not dreaming this! Please tell me you won't disappear this time…that this is real! Please, please, I'm begging you." I can hear the desperation in her voice. She reminds me of myself. At least she can cry to let it out.
I'm still caged inside. No tears for me. That's too much of a blessing for my wretched life.
Her sobs are my undoing. Without thinking, I turn around.
"Don't cry," I whisper. "Stop crying, please." But it's like the sound of my voice pushes her over the edge because she loses it completely, falling to the floor, hugging her knees. "Please, pretty B, don't cry." My nickname for her coming out of my lips in the most natural way. Like this is not the first time I've said it in three years.
She locks her eyes with mine the minute the words fall out of my mouth.
I'm suspended in time as I stare at her. Her eyes take me back to perfect nights.
Holding her.
Kissing her.
Loving her.
"Ed—" She starts again, but I shake my head at her and grab the wall behind me. She sees the movement and instinctively presses herself more firmly to the wall behind her.
"I can't control myself." I say mostly to myself, but I know she hears it. She's just there, looking at me and I wish she could get me through this nightmare. I wish I could bare my soul…or lack thereof, for her to see. For her to glue my pieces together. But, no one will ever change the animal I have become. Not even her. Not even her perfect eyes, and the lovely sound of her heartbeat.
"Are you a ghost?" She asks, her voice timid and low. I want to laugh but she's so scared.
Of me.
Of the monster.
Of herself.
Of being crazy.
We stare at each other, her breathing composed, mine…nonexistent. She looks at every inch of me as I analyze every inch of her. Our eyes are doing the talking, and for that I'm thankful.
The way she looks at me leaves a burning sensation inside me that makes me want to vomit. I don't deserve this feeling. I don't deserve appreciation. I need to get out of here.
"Are you…really here?" She asks, and for a second I think I didn't hear her, the sound of her heartbeat is too loud. It's suffocating. I want to take a deep, unnecessary breath, but I'm aware of the damage that would do.
I nod at her question. What else can I do? I want to hear her voice again. I don't give a fuck. I just need to hear her voice again.
"How?" She asks, slicing me open. Those words, that question, breaks me. I feel the floor giving out beneath me. She sees me, about to fall apart and shakes her head. Her eyes tell me she won't push me. "It doesn't matter." She whispers, like she's resigned. Like she knows what I am, and she doesn't care. It gives me hope. Fuck that. I can't do hope. She should care.
"Yes, it does." I say firmly and dig my fingers in the wall behind me. It breaks.
Tears fall from her eyes as she shakes her head. "Not to me. Not to me." She denies frantically. And her eyes, her big, brown, perfect eyes, are holding me to this place. Her eyes, even drowning in the sorrow of her tears, are the most calm and happy I've ever seen them in the past year. They are the eyes of the seventeen year old girl that was my girlfriend...my life. The eyes of the little girl who grew up with me. The eyes of a girl who mourned my "death".
These are the eyes of a girl with hope.
"Shut up." The words come out like a mangled sob as I look down to the floor. I'm not strong enough. I'm not. She moves as if she's going to stand up, maybe come closer to me and my eyes snap back to her. Maybe she can see the monster, the beast, the animal in my eyes, because she falls back to her sitting position.
We sit like that for a long time, not moving. She's breathing slowly, while I stop myself from doing so. We stare at each other, and I'm reminded of the story my mom used to tell us. The memory is like a needle, dipped in fire, cutting through each one of my eyeballs. It physically hurts to remember.
"I miss you." She says in the smallest voice.
"Shut up." Comes my replay, like an instinct. I don't even know what I'm still doing here. We fall silent, her heart racing and mine…colder than it has ever been.
"I love you." Her words. Damn it, her fucking words are Heaven and Hell wrapped in the same package.
They're a knife cutting through my skin.
A kick in my gut.
A punch to my face.
Fuck.
"Stop it." I say and silence falls over us, covering us with a fake sense of calm, until she's fighting devastation while sitting uncomfortably on the floor. Sleep eventually wins and she succumbs to her body's need, making her way to her bed.
I just watch her.
I just watch.
She doesn't scream in her sleep tonight. Tonight, she just rests. I can see it in the features of her face. I can hear it in her steady heartbeat.
I leave her room because her blood is more appetizing to me with each passing second. It doesn't falter. I don't get used to her scent, I just want, want, need, want.
"Edward?" It's the first thing that comes out of her mouth when she wakes up the next day. She looks around her room for me and for evidence that last night happened. She finds the wall I broke through with my fingers. She sighs with relief.
"Edward…are you, are you here?" She asks looking around her room. She's already crying.
I watch her spend her entire day in bed, not eating, not doing anything but waiting for nightfall. She then begins to look for me again.
"Edward, please, you have to come. Does the sun hurt you? Is that why you left during the day?" She asks to the air, not knowing if I was really listening.
As she cries, she calls for me, and it's a pull I can no longer resist. Without taking another second to allow doubts to creep in, I jump into her room. I make the mistake of taking a deep breath as soon as I land and a growl comes out of me.
I can't help it.
Her scent is insane-driving.
She startles at the noise, scared at first, and then relieved. She looks so fucking relieved that a warm feeling that resembles hope grows inside me.
"You're here." She says. I give her a stiff nod and settle on the floor of her room, my back against the wall where her window is. She sits in her bed and wipes her face. My fingers itch to do that.
"Please, talk to me. I want—I need to hear your voice." She implores me, her brown eyes begging me to give in. "I need to know you're real." She adds.
Maybe it's the sound of her heart. The heart that has owned me since I was a kid. The heart that I fought to gain every day of my human life. Or maybe it's the look in her eyes, that makes me give in. I don't know.
"I'm real." I start, my voice sounding weird even to my ears. She smiles as more tears fall from her eyes. "But you shouldn't be happy about it. I'm…I'm a monster." I say with hate. I ball my hands into fist that could break my own impenetrable skin.
"That can't be true." She shakes her head, refusing to believe me.
"You don't know me anymore." I argue, because she doesn't. She knows the human Edward, the loving, caring, kind, Edward. She doesn't know the beast that lives inside me now. She doesn't know the darkest side of me; the animal, the predator.
"Please don't say that." Her voice breaks as more tears form in her eyes. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing here. This was a bad idea.
Or maybe not. Maybe I can finish this once and for all. I stand up and crawl into her bed. She gasps and inches away from me, closer to the headboard as I position myself in her face. Her heart is racing because she must feel it.
Danger.
The inexplicable urge to run. To protect herself.
It takes all of my strength and more to get a hold of my needs. I grip the headboard with both of my hands as I level my eyes with hers, trapping her.
"I want to consume you." I begin, watching the vein on her neck. I lick my lips.
"I want to devour you." I say as she tries to shy away from me. But there's no place to escape.
"I ache to taste your blood." I go on, trying not to breathe as I talk through clenched teeth.
She's crying and scared and I think maybe this will show her I'm a danger. She surprises me though, and with tears on her face, and a look of determination in her eyes she asks, "Why don't you? Why haven't you?" The fire in her eyes resembles the fire of my hunger and my lust. I have her so fucking close. I could just…lower my face to her neck and lose myself in her essence.
"Are you so ready to die?" I ask instead, pushing through my pain.
"My life is nothing without you." she whispers, devastation and grief written all over her beautiful face. Her words burn me and I'm across the room in an instant, breathing fresh air out of the window. Air that does nothing to help me.
"Why don't you kill me?" She asks in a desperate voice. I hear movement behind me but I don't turn around. I can't face her right now. "You can't, can you?! Because you still love me, right? Because you still are the Edward I fell in love with, aren't you?" She yells and I start dry heaving.
Her words are too much for me to bear.
Too much for me to deal with. But I'm not strong enough to leave either.
How do I tell her that I love her when I just told her I want to kill her? How do I admit to her that my love for her is not stronger than the beast inside me?
"If you wanted to…drink my blood…wouldn't you have done it by now?" Her voice is a whisper. I squeeze my eyes shot.
"The fact that I haven't doesn't mean that I won't…" And how could I live with myself then? If I hate what I am now, I can't imagine how much more I'd loathe myself if I killed her. I would probably go insane. I would probably find a way to end my existence.
"My life hasn't been much of a life since the day you…di—disappeared." She changes the word died for disappeared and I want to correct her. I am dead. "So…if it had to end or whatever…I'd rather it'd be…at your hands." She whispers and I whip my head around.
Is she fucking crazy? She's giving me her blessing to kill her? I stare at her in shock because I'm sure she's lost her mind.
"Please, Bella. You don't know what you're saying." I tell her before looking back out the window.
"I'm saying that I love you." She says, and I can feel her coming closer to me. I stiffen and tighten my grip on the window frame.
"I'm saying that I miss you, so much. That I need you." She continues, stepping quietly behind me, her voice breaking and her heart flying.
I'm rendered speechless by her soothing voice. I can almost feel it covering every inch of my frozen body. I'm battling inside between giving in and running away. I want to believe her words. I want to hope that things could work out somehow. That maybe I can get a hold of myself and survive my hell.
Fuck.
It's like I can almost feel my heart thumping again as her heartbeats echo through the room.
"Edward, please." She says, the warmth of her closeness penetrating my bones. I don't know what she's asking me for.
I've struggled so hard these past years, accepting what I am, grieving what I lost. And I haven't really come to terms with anything. There's still so much rage inside me.
"Help me," I whine, dry sobs coming out of my mouth. Gut wrenching noises that I don't recognize stumble out of my mouth, as I fall to my knees with my head in my hands.
I'm so fucking pathetic.
There are so many more feelings, unknown feelings, heartbreaking feelings inside my heartless body right now.
Anger.
Frustration.
Pain.
Grief.
Sadness.
Hunger.
Exasperation.
Lust.
Love.
Fear.
Self-loathing.
Hope.
Anticipation.
But it doesn't matter, because the minute I feel her arms wrap around me, everything fades away. It's the comfort I've been seeking, craving, but never allowed myself.
As I have my mental breakdown, she holds me.
I surrender to her soothing touch and her love and her understanding. I start reaching inside me for whatever humanity I may have left, because I can't let her go. I can't.
So I don't.
I hold her for hours.
I hold her until our breaths are the same, her heartbeats feel like my own and her skin warms me.
We stay this way until I realize.
I crave her touch.
I crave her love.
I crave her life.
I crave her being...
More than I crave her blood.
So, that's that. I hope you enjoyed.
If you're reading my story Friendzoned, I'm terribly sorry by how long it has taken me to update.
I'm working on the next chapter but it's not ready.
Thanks for reading.
Till next time, xo.