Truly, I am getting rather sick of dying. I've lost count it has happened so many times. It's my own private joke at this point. If I ever told anyone else they'd think I had really cracked.
I remember odd things before I wake up after dying again. The most recent and vivid one was when I held her face in my hands, both of them, and told her "I'm not giving up either, I'm struggling and struggling to protect everybody no matter what!" (chap 105)
And I've died many times because of that. I've died protecting my friends, and come back to keep protecting them and to not make them worry. I can't rest and I don't know when I will be allowed to.
I don't think I'm really allowed to die yet; there is still something I need to do. But I keep putting myself in situations or simply finding myself in them, where I do die.
Even after dying, again and again, being beaten until I can hardly stand, I still have to somehow stand up and stand in the way of the enemy to protect my friends. Sometimes I'm surprised I can stand up. I would wonder where I get the strength, but I don't have time. I just attack. That is the life of an exorcist I guess. I choose it, and will follow it but sometimes I'm so tired.
Fight after fight after fight. And every single time the enemy is stronger. Sometimes I can't handle it and the Crown Clown takes over. I feel like a puppet, but who's pulling the strings?
Pain is also something I've come across too much. Even more than death. But the same can be said for all exorcists. I've been thrown against too many walls to count, met the floor a few too many times, and lost enough blood to run a small hospital. There are times when I'll be in so much pain that I don't even feel it anymore. I don't mind that, but it catches up to me eventually.
And sometimes it isn't too bad. It's all for a good cause, and it is the path that I am making. With craters and broken buildings in my wake. But it's my path, and my duty. I don't really mind. And if means that my friends aren't hurt, then it's worth everything.
"Allen-kun?" I almost fell off of my chair. Who would be up at this hour? I shouldn't be talking though. Was it Lenalee? When did she get here? I blinked several times trying to clear my head; "Allen-kun?" there was something bad in her voice.
"Lenalee, I'm right here." The walls of dusty old books around us softened my voice, but she heard me. Her foot steps grew louder even though they were soft. When she came into view there was something off about the way she stood. "Are you alright?" I was afraid to scare her for some reason.
She visibly stiffened when I asked and ignored my question. "Can I sit down?" Her voice was very quiet. I chided myself for not being more of a gentleman and immediately offering her the seat. "No, it's ok you don't have to get up." Lenalee wouldn't look at me.
I stuttered for a moment as she moved closer, "then where are you going to sit?" I was in the only chair in this area of the library. But she didn't answer me, instead she sat on the floor with her back resting against the chair and her shoulder leaning slightly on my leg. "Are you sure, I can always," she cut me off with a soft nudge of her shoulder.
"It's ok Allen-kun, here is just fine. And please don't stop what you were doing before I came, I just needed," Lenalee trailed off, "I just needed to know that," She tried again. I wasn't really sure what was going on so I simply watched the top of her head. She was growing her hair out again, it was just a little past shoulder length now. It was really pretty in the light of the one candle I had with me.
She whispered something that I didn't catch. "Lenalee, I didn't hear you, I'm sorry could you say," the words died on my tongue when she looked at me over her shoulder. Her eyes were wide and glistening with tears that had already started to spill over. "Lenalee! I'm sorry! Are you alright? Are you hurt?" I had no idea what I was doing.
"I just needed to know that you were ok." She whispered again before she turned her head away from me. I stopped my questioning and looked at her. We stayed like that for a while. It was nice to be able to focus on her instead of my thoughts from beforehand. She was calming even when she was distressed. Which bothered me. I should try and by the same.
I picked up my left leg, the one she was leaning on and swung it over her and rested it on her side. I didn't give her time to question that she was now 'in between my legs', I leaned over and encircled her in my arms. My head was right next to hers, and I whispered to her, "I'm ok Lenalee. I'm ok."
She leaned her head against mine, the tears slowing. "Now let's get you off this dusty floor." I picked her up gently and sat back in the chair more so she could sit on my lap more easily. Lenalee looked at me in disbelief and I just smiled at her. "I'm ok." I reassured her. "Really, I'm ok." She gave a soft smile and curled up against me. I simply kept both arms around her loosely and rested my chin on the top of her head.
I stayed awake for a while after she'd fallen asleep and found that my thoughts from before were gone. Because the whole reason I would die and die again, and I would be thrown through wall after wall and floor after floor was to protect the people I loved. And it was so worth it to keep them safe I thought as I drifted off to sleep with Lenalee in my arms.
AN: I love Allen. So much. I do apologize if he's out of character. But honestly, he isn't that hard to write. He's just so kind. Don't own him or Lenalee.