I don't know what to do, what to say. I'm trapped and don't know where to go, and the hardest part is giving up everything I've worked so hard to gain. I have it all. All I want or need in the palm of my hand, the way it should be, but it's wrong...so wrong.
I don't want to let it go, it's all I have, all I know, and so much as the truth could take it all away. I wouldn't even consider it, but because of her. She deserves better. If anyone deserves the truth, it's her. She's my sister, after all, and whenever she smiles, I feel guilty. I tell myself I shouldn't feel this way, that I deserve to have her, but in truth, I don't.
She's beginning to wonder about me. She asks me why I'm acting strange, and I'm not sure what to tell her. I come so close to telling the truth, to confessing everything, but then, I can't. Not yet, I tell myself, just not yet.
I can't just lie to her anymore, I have to lie to myself. I say that I deserve this. I say this is best for her. I say I've come to far, and I just can't turn back now. It's all lies, but I try to convince myself it's true. I can't go on like this, but I have to. I can't let her know the truth.
I would do anything to avoid telling her who I am, but lying to her kills me inside. I've hidden away, I've pretended to need space, I've come close to killing myself more than once, because deep down I know, she should have someone better. She should have someone better than me
But what would she think? I can't just disappear, she would think I died, that he died and...it would break her heart. I have to tell her, just...not yet.
How long will this go on? Every day is torture as I lie to everyone around me, and to her. She thinks I'm just moody or depressed, but there's so much more than that. She tries to comfort me and make me talk about my feelings, which only makes it hurt more. It reminds me that I have to go back, I have to set things straight, I have to...but I can't. I can't anymore. It's too late to change. She's stuck with me or nothing, and I wonder if nothing would be better for her. I'm not what's best for her. I'm what's worst. I'm breaking her heart and she doesn't even know it, and my heart breaks for her. It's only a matter of time before she finds out, and I don't think I want to be there when she does.
What will she do? Accept me? There's no way. Perhaps before, but not anymore. I've messed up to badly for that. She doesn't know, but I took away the very thing she loved the most, and I replaced it with myself.
12 years of memories, burned into my mind, 12 years, but I refused to share them, they could only be mine. What was I thinking? Only about myself. I didn't think about her, or anyone else, I was selfish and I messed up. I messed up so bad, I wish I could die, but I can't; not until she knows the truth.
I'm stuck in a tug-of-war between myself. It's not about me anymore, it's about her. What's best for her? Do I tell her the truth, and have her hate me forever, or die and let her continue believing a lie?
The truth. It's the only way. She needs to know. I'll tell her, then I'll leave. I'll leave and never come back and she can be free from me forever. No more lies.
Because I'm not her brother.
I'm only a copy.