There are times when things get too real too fast.
Like when you let your guard down and kiss your best friend. And then that kiss makes you feign feelings for that friend. Then you get over-your-head in a tangled mess of heart versus hormone. Hormone beating faster and more furiously until the right moon rises and you realize just how silly the whole thing was.
Apologies and hugs. Just as platonic as before. Everything is peachy keen and you even get drunk at a birthday party and laugh about your little late nite pow-wows. It over and okay to laugh at. You were such a good kisser and all.
But then he's drunk. Just him. And he thinks he wants to kiss you again. And put his hands in awkward places again. And it's not that you don't want to be kissed. Or, fuck, even be touched for that matter. But just not by him. And you dance around his behavior, laughing at how amusing he is drunk, glad that another person is around because that way it won't progress into anything like it did before. He calls you mean and you shrug it off, secretly loving that fact that you're stringing him along, that he wants to get into your bed that badly. He's almost begging. And this is better than actually giving in.
But when you get in bed alone, all your thoughts sinking like lead to the bottom of your mind, you think that maybe you should've just let him do what he wanted because then maybe, maybe you wouldn't be falling asleep alone.
The new day arrives and his brain is clear. He comes to your door with a smile, wanting to sit and visit. And it's not like you're strangers, you're close friends. He keeps a distance but that level of flirting is there. He sits at the end of your bed while you're curled up. A movie's on the television and you watch it carelessly. By the end of the movie he's playing with you and it's just like old times. Those old times when the beating of something other than your heart was in rule.
It's too much and you're too torn to make any decision. Playing the bitch and the tease. shrugging off any suggestion, uninterested yet curious as to his thoughts.
And while you yearn for any kind of attention. Wanting desperately to be found sexually attractive, you turn down the one thing that is closest to that desire. And while proud of not giving in you're depressed to know he only wants you because he's just as desperate as you are.