This is my first Hobbit story. I'm so used to writing for Voltron. I hope all of you Hobbit fans can at least get a kick out of this. It's a silly little crack fic not to be taken too seriously. This takes place after a frustrated Gandalf leaves the company and before they encounter the mountain trolls.
The company had traveled long and far enough that it was time again to camp for the night or as long as they need to. Thorin pointed towards a lush, green area with huge mature trees, but that was also a large open clearing with berry bushes and a few apple trees. They could all munch on the fruit which would give them some extra energy for further journeying.
As they stopped and began to unload their packs, Bilbo, Bofur, Ori, Balin and Dwalin waddled up to a hill amongst some trees. They had wondered if they were going to burst as it had been too long since they were able to make a stop to relieve themselves. Soon, the other dwarven decided they should do the same and made their way up the hill again waddling and hurrying. Thorin's own aching bladder caused him to dismount, but he stayed down by the ponies preferring to just take care of his business behind a massive basswood tree. Sighs of relief and contentment emanated from the hillside behind the trees with the sound of spraying urine as it hit the dry grass.
After Balin pulled up his trousers, he raised his head up and spyed a wooden shack that caught his curiosity. Like a little child on a discovery, he made his way to the tiny building, his small feet carrying him to the door. The little shack was painted a pale gray that was dry and cracking, the exposed wood was old and rotting in places and moss was growing on top of the roof. As Balin stood there, he had outstretched his hand and was ready to grasp the rusty iron knob with a latch on the door to turn. He stopped himself though. What was beyond that door? Perhaps, he best wait and call for the others.
Thorin heard shouts of "Look at this!" along with laughter and hollering as the other dwarven had soon gathered around to gawk at Balin's discovery. Not sensing danger, Fili, Kili and he nonetheless sprinted up the hill to find out what all the commotion was.
The company was gathered around the little outhouse making conversation which was mostly curious statements as they looked around at each other wondering what this discovery was.
"What do you suppose it is?" Bilbo asked as he looked up at the building as though examining it.
"Stay back," Thorin warned sharply as he strolled through the crowd that had parted. "We don't know what's in there. There may be something in there lurking and just waiting to attack," he added, his voice low as he withdrew his sword. He had orcs and elves on his mind again.
"Uncle, the only way we are going to know is to open the door although it seems to be quiet in there," Fili said cautiously challenging his uncle.
Thorin didn't seem to dispute what his nephew was saying. It was a strange little shack with a half moon symbol carved in, yet no one was tall enough to peer in. He decided to open the shack once and for all to dispell any fears of what was beyond the door.
"Dwalin, open the latch of the door and then back away, back away fast," Thorin whispered intensely. Dwalin nodded subserviently and then Thorin roared, "Now!"
Dwalin flung open the door and it creaked loudly as Thorin stood battle-ready with sword forward. The little house stood empty with only the buzzing of flies to be heard inside.
"Uck! What is that stench?" Dwalin demanded making a sour face as he waved his hand in front of his face. The smell was unbearable as it wafted out of the little shack and many of the dwarves made groans of disgust.
"I believe this is a privy, a place to go," Balin tried to explain to everyone who then turned to him raising their eyebrows in agreement.
"Look at that hole!" Kili exclaimed as he pointed and laughed at a large wooden platform that was set in the middle of the house with a hole in the center.
"What do you do? Just sit down? Bilbo asked as he put a finger to his mouth as though he were in thought. "I so miss my toilet. I sure miss my home," he said longingly shaking his head.
Peering into the hole, Ori, Dori and Dwalin were taken aback by the dried pit of sludge at the bottom.
"What is it?" Thorin demanded.
"It''s awful!" they all answered together equally repulsed.
"Well, if it's use is intended for the purpose of elimination, then why wouldn't all of you use this?" Bombur asked.
Kili had a smirk on his face as the others stood examing the strange building and the inside as their noses continued to scrunch up at the lingering smell while they tugged on their beards.
"Uncle, what do you suppose we should do?" Fili asked. Thorin looked around a bit, his blue eyes scanning the wood suspiciously.
"I say we use it for ourselves while we camp here." Dwalin suggested.
"I like my privacy," Bilbo said cheerfully with a tinge of hope in his voice although he would have rather had plumbing.
"I see nothing wrong with relieving oneself behind a tree. There is enough privacy in that." Thorin replied curtly.
"But Uncle, this has a door with a latch and it's small. What do you think? Orcs use this?" Fili asked.
Thorin shot back with an icy glare at his nephew's snarky comment.
"Very well then, it will be ours to use while we are camped here," he replied curtly as he turned and trudged down the hill.
"Well, if you all don't mind, I'm going to try it out and let you know how it is," Bombur said as he stepped inside the outhouse, closed the door. They heard him latch it and Kili and Fili stood outside with the others.
The outhouse appeared to shake a bit with the dwarf moving about for several minutes along with sighs and groans inside before he then unlatched and strode outside.
"Perfect. I feel so much better laddies," he said smiling.
"Did you feel like falling into that hole?" Bilbo asked with anxious curiosity.
"Not at all! I have quite a big behind as you can see," Bombur replied as he pointed to his bum.
That sparked delirious laughter from the group and as they daparted down the hill, Fili looked at Kili and simultaneously mischievous smirks formed on their faces.
"We could have some fun with this," Fili said to his brother as he shifted his eyes to make sure no one else was around to hear his proposal.
"Kili knitted his brows together before he responded curiously, yet slightly confused, "What do you mean?"
"The hobbit. He practically begged uncle to allow us to claim it. Did you see how it shook when Bombur used it? It's not very sturdy. What laughs it could bring when Bilbo uses it!"
Kili's mouth dropped on, "Yes! We could stand outside here and shake it back and forther while Bilbo is in there. How terrifying would that be for him?" he chuckled and then his face took on a more serious expression. "But Uncle would disapprove," he added. Their uncle Thorin always seemed to be sticking up for the hobbit.
"Must he find out?" Fili asked shooting up a blonde eyebrow.
"You know he will. He always has his eyes on us," Kili warned.
"Well, I think we can outsmart him. One of us just needs to keep an eye on Bilbo. He always has to go in the morning if you know what I mean. We will follow him up there and start shaking the little outhouse. I'll keep an eye out for anyone running up and then we can hide in the woods afterwards," Fili stated as though he had everything all cleverly planned out.
"He will be so terrified!" Kili exlaimed in laughter.
"Right. He will think it's the Orcs that are terrorizing him." They both snickered at their devious little plan.
A perfect chance for Fili and Kili to pull their silly prank slipped right past their eyes as Bilbo stared up the hill at the little outhouse shack. His hands were at his sides as his fingers wiggled nervously. Desperate for privacy to carry through withi his bowel emptying, he was anxious about the inside of the shack and the great hole that he would need to sit over. Too much of Bofur's stew and eating one large meal a day took its toll.
Soon though, Bilbo made his way to the door of the shack and taking in deep breath, he opened it. Exhaling, he looked around grateful for a bit of cloth to wipe afterwards. He pulled down his trousers and perched above the hole.
"What do we do?" Kili whispered to Fili outside of the shack.
"We start shaking it and making some kind of a noise like a growl,"
Fili responded with excitement.
As they were about to carry out with their evil prank, they heard their uncle calling for them.
"Kili! Fili!" The shouting got closer and both brothers raced down the hill to meet up with their uncle who had requested them to help with building a campfire.
Bilbo, alone in the outhouse above its hole sat awaiting his business. He trembled nervously trying to calm himself. He had privacy, but it was so dreary and downright dark and frightening in this little house. He scooted a little further making sure his small bottom was right over the hole. Suddenly, he sunk down. Waves of fear tore threw him as he couldn't get himself to sit up. He was stuck. Just how long he would rmain this way, he didn't know. He tried to scott up over and over, but to no avail. His heart raced as he looked over and over. How would he get out of this predicament? His face flushed with embarrassment and he decided to call out for help.
"Help! Anyone there? Help!" he called. "I'm stuck."
No answers. None at all and Bilbo's bottom was dangling down into the hole. Any moment, the little hobbit could fall through, but he was darned determined not to.
Gripping the sides of the commode, he held tightly and pulled up. He was rising further and further with each thrust up. Finally, he was on the edge and breathing heavy, very heavy.
"I made it! I made it! I didn't fall in!" he cheered aloud.
After leaping off the toilet, he pulled up his pantaloons and turned to know to exit the outhouse and his dreadful ordeal as soon as possible. He hoped the company would be moving on soon so he wouldn't have to use the outhouse again.
As he swung the door outward, Dwalin's face nearly crashed into his.
"It's about time! I have to go bad! What took you so long?" Dwalin grumbled,his face scrunched up irritably. Bilbo looked sheepishly at him and shrugged. Without hesitation, Dwalin shut and locked the door to the outhouse while Bilbo hurriedly scampered down the hill to the other company.
Fili and Kili had been on the other side of the camp and had they seen Bilbo, they would not have proceeded again to fulfill their devious trick.
Suppressing giggles, they approached the outhouse. Fili gently and carefully reached for the knob giving it a slight turn.
"It's locked," he whispered to Kili who placed his hand on his mouth desperate to not bust out laughing. Bilbo was still in the outhouse or so they thought.
Fili frantically whispered to Kili," Okay, I'll get over on this side," he said pointing to the left side of the outhouse, "and you on the other side. As soon as you're there, let's start shaking this," Fili added, a glint of mischief in his blue eyes. Kili rubbed his hands together and smirked, back with equal mischief. They were going to have so much fun. Poor Bilbo.
Together they rocked the little outhouse back and forth and back and forth.
"What the?" They heard along with cursing in Khazul. That was when they realized no! It was Bilbo in there, but just who? Letting go of the house, they froze in horror. Emerging from the door in a hunched over state of fright, anger and shock was Dwalin with his trousers down.
"Why you!" he shouted at the pair. Stumbling forward, he fell face down.
"Aargh!" he hollered, trousers down to his knees, buttocks exposed.
Kili looked at Fili. Both held the same terrifying look as though they were saying, This is not how it was supposed to be!
"Kili! Fili! What?!" Thorin shouted and when he looked closer to Dwalin on the ground. "What has gone on?" he demanded, his blue eyes widened increduously.
"Help me! Help me up! Those nephews of yours!" Dwalin spat as he withered on the ground, his pale buttocks jiggling. Thorin pulled up the dwarf's trousers and as Dwaliln scrambled ever embarrassed down the hill. Thorin glared at the outhouse and was sure he would make his nephews pay for this nonsense.