Disclaimer: Twilight is not mine. It belongs to the wonderful Stephenie Meyer, as do all her amazing characters. Not mine…(Unfortunately)
A/N: This is my first fanfic ever so I'd really appreciate some encouragement from you guys. I hope you like. R&R. Even if it's awful...
Once He'd Gone
Chap. 1: The few days after
Sept 17th - 2.00am:
Dear Diary. If you've ever met me - which you've obviously not - you would know I'm not a diary type of girl, more of a suffer-in-silence type, But Charlie suggested it - so I'm giving it a go. I've just awoken with a nightmare.
My nightmare probably wouldn't even frighten someone else. Nothing jumped out and screamed, "Boo!" There were no zombies, no ghosts, no psychopaths. There was nothing, really. Only nothing. Just the endless maze of moss-covered trees, so quiet that the silence was an uncomfortable pressure against my eardrums.
It was dark, like dusk on a cloudy day, with only enough light to see that there was nothing to see. I had hurried through the gloom without a path, always searching, searching, searching, getting more frantic as the time stretched on, trying to move faster, though the speed made me clumsy… but then I couldn't remember what it was that I was searching for. Sooon I realized that there was nothing to search for, and nothing to find. That there never had been anything more than just this empty, dreary wood, and there never would be anything more for me… nothing but nothing…
And that - was when I started to scream.
Charlie heard me and came rushing in - simply to check I wasn't being strangled by an axe murderer - but by then I was wide awake and had to reassure him I was fine and that it was just a nightmare.
Well, that was great - my very first entry and it's a miserable one. I guess this is what my life is now - miserable. He left me. What have I got to be happy about?
I guess I should sleep. Night
Sept. 18th - 5.00am:
The dream still haunts me. That's all I can say.
Yet there's more I have to get out this morning. I can't believe he'd do it. 'It will be as if I'd never existed' he'd promised me. I asked Charlie earlier today how he knew where to find me. How he knew I'd be in the forest. He told me about a note. A note that I definitely didn't leave. Thought that meant someone else had. As soon as it struck I raced upstairs to check everything was still there.
It wasn't.
I can't talk anymore about it.
I can't cope anymore.
I can barely live anymore.
Sept. 19th - 1.34am:
Once again - I'm awake at this ridiculous time. That same nightmare. There was a point where I could tell what was coming tonight - that point when I knew I was about to realise there was nothing to search for, but I couldn't seem to wake up before it hit. The nothingness.
It's here I can connect with one of my favourite songs. Pressure by Paramore.
'...Just don't let me fall asleep
Feeling empty again'
'Cause I fear I might break
And I fear I can't take this
Tonight I lie awake
Feeling Empty'
It's a sad bit of the song - but recently for me - it's the truth. I wake up and there's that burning hole in my chest. I absent mindedly bring my arm and wrap it around my torso to hold it in one piece. It hurts. Like when he left, he physically took my heart with him - and I love him still. I feel my eyes fill with tears and the aching begin around the edges of the hole in my chest again.
I always feel empty without him. I always have to cry myself to sleep. Otherwise, I just lie awake - feeling empty.
What can I do?
How can I cope?
He said he loved me. Was it all just a mindless lie? He took me to the woods, and left me there. That's when he told me he didn't want to be with me. I lay there for hours, crumpled on the path crying. I can't believe he did that to me. All those lies he told me. Telling me he loved me everyday - was it all just a game to him? Did I mean anything to him? Was I just his prey, did he know all along he was just going to ditch me as soon as he got bored?
Sept. 20th - 3.00am:
I awoke with the dream once more but I just can't talk about it. Charlie didn't come in - he's knows it's probably just that same nightmare. I can never tell him my 'dream' - it seems such a trivial to be screaming about. He doesn't know how badly I need him. Even now he's gone - Edward. I wince, even as I write the name down - it hurts so much to write it down even. I must sound so pathetic to you, but you're a book - you can't understand the pain I'm going through.
I'm trying to make an effort for Charlie now. Even though it seems like the time without the one I truly need has been forever. Every minute passes like an hour. Every moment feels like a lifetime.
Let me die. I can't live like this anymore. I need him. I guess that now I've had him - and he's gone, my life is a shell. Now I've tasted it - and it's been taken away again, my life is empty.
Sept. 21st - 11.15pm:
I don't have anything to look forward to anymore
No-one to pick me up in the morning for school
No-one to drive me home in the afternoon
No-one to keep me cool on a hot day - or soothe my pains with their hands
No-one to miss when they're 'Camping' or hunting
No-one to sneak into my room at night and talk to me until I'm so tired I can't reply
No-one to watch over me when I finally do fall asleep.
There's just no-one.
It's only been three days since he left - and already I'm suffering so much.
I hate myself. It was my fault they left. I hate my clumsiness. It was my fault they left. I hate my life. It was my fault they left. Yet even though they did - I still can't bring myself to hate them.
Sept. 22nd - 10.00pm:
I'm up in my room. I'm crying again. I feel so lifeless - despite my efforts and Charlie's efforts. I wander around in a daze - like I'm on autopilot non-stop. If I ever can stop and think - I end up asking myself what happened that day because I don't seem to know. I don't take notice of anything I do - I just do it. I have become a zombie and I can't do anything about it without him. The nights are the only time I can be myself. I'm alive and awake - but with the awareness comes feeling. I'm alive but I can't stop crying. I'm awake, but I can't stop mourning him. I'm aware, but that means I feel so much pain. A hole in my chest, where he ripped out heart, and took it with him.
Earlier in the week I told you how everything that reminded hads gone. I couldn't write much more then. I checked my stereo - and my birthday present was gone. I checked my photo album, and as I flicked to the page where his photo should be, all that was there was his neat scripted writing. No more, no less.
A/N - Finis! I hope you liked it - Now go review!! You know you want to!!