This fic was originally written for a challenge with the prompt "Love gets me into more trouble than hate ever could".
Disclaimers: I do not own Battlestar Galactica, Kara "Starbuck" Thrace, Lee "Apollo" Adama, Dee Adama, Commander Adama, or any of the other characters. Neither do I own the phrase "here at the end of all things" That comes from the genius that is J. R. R Tolkin. It is what Sam says to Frodo after the ring is destroyed but it is an incredibly poignant phrase and I thought it had a place in this fic.
"Love gets me into more trouble than hate ever could."
He hated her, he really did. She had died. She had left him. He buried himself in Baltars case to get over her death. Not that it had worked. He was loosing his mind he was sure. She was there. On his wing. Talking to him. It wasn't possible she was dead and he hated her for it. She had left him behind. Yes bright shiny futures were overrated but at least he had always thought that they would go together. She wasn't supposed to leave him alone. They were supposed to go together. He hated her for leaving him. It was just him. Why was it just him here at the end off all things. He was clearly loosing his mind. She couldn't be there. She was dead. He had seen her viper explode. She couldn't be there. Why was she there?
He hated his dad. His dad who was loved by the entire fleet. Who had made the fleet his life. Abandoning his family. He loved the fleet more than he loved his sons. At least that is how it had seemed to Lee when he was growing up. The only way he could make his dad happy was to join up. Become a pilot like his dad. Even then it wasn't enough. His dad had missed him becoming a Captain. The dam fleet was more important again. When Zak died he had acted like they had mattered but Lee knew differently, or so he thought. Loosing the pilot that was the most important thing. Not the living person, or so he though.
He loved her. For all her insubordination she was the best pilot and the best officer he had. There wasn't a thing she couldn't fly. He loved the way she loved flying. Her whole face lit up. She was the happiest when she was in the air. He started thinking about all the times he had seen her happy. Playing cards in rec room. Winning at cards in the rec room, stoogie in her mouth, talking dirty to the other pilots, always laughing. She was happy there. Had she ever been happy with him, or was there really no them like she said? He didn't think so. He thought he had felt something between them that day on the hangar deck when for all intents and purposes she had said good bye to him. There was something more there than just the CAG and his hot shot problem pilot. Something. Love? He didn't know. But it was certainly not hate.
He loved his dad. Although they were miles apart when the trial started his father had listened to him. He was no longer an officer but he had listened to him. Lee thought that maybe this was the first time ever his father had listened to him (he was wrong his father often listened). He loved his father. He was sure of it. Did his father love him back? He thought so. He thought that this is what the law books had meant. His father had given him something precious. Something he valued, because he valued Lees opinion? Love was complicated. They had grown so far away from each other. Lee couldn't get away from the way his father had abandoned him and his brother. But now that his own marriage had disintegrated into nothingness he saw what his father had had to do. He still hadn't completely forgiven his father. He kept telling himself that his marriage had the extra pressure of the war that his parents hadn't had. But he had begun to forgive his father.
He had loved his wife. He was sure he had. He really tried loving his wife. Was that not enough? He tried loving his wife as much as he tried hating Starbuck. He tried. He tried hard. This was one thing he had failed miserably at. He didn't normally fail. The only thing he seemed unable to do was relationships. He some how managed to frakk them up beyond belief. Maybe he was his fathers son after all.
Maybe his love for his hotshot problem pilot was the one thing that was always going to get him into trouble. Maybe it would get him into more trouble than hating her ever would. He loved her. Here at end of all things he could admit that he loved her more than he hated her. Here he could realise that salient fact. His love for her would always get him into more trouble than his hate for her. His love for her transcended the hate he felt for his father. Because even that hate was tapered by the love he had for his father. Here, when he was clearly loosing his mind he realised that all there ever was and all that ever mattered was that love had gotten him into this mess and nothing else. He sincerely hoped that love would get him out of it too.