Devotion and Courtship

I hated this. I hated how much of coward I was, after my third, sadly failed attempt to walk into the elevator with the long suffering Maxie I was rather ashamed of the Jackal- wait since when did the J- I start using such terms again? Turning away from the rather claustrophobic situation I took a brief second to remind myself, yes myself that I no longer spoke in such ways and that I shouldn't even begin to think as such. I quickly proceed to turn my thoughts back to the dire situation at hand and make another futile attempt to join the excited group of people entering the elevator. I hear Maxie's voice calling out to me and I hurry to scamper next to the fast moving gurney.

"Spinelli, there's something I have to tell you" Her voice is hurried and somewhat desperate; I only assumed it was the pains and exhilarations of labor.

I try to hurry her into the elevator like the rest with a quick answer that she could tell me later, but she seemed almost terrified and it made my heart ache. Why did it ache? Maxie was a good friend, perhaps my best friend I console myself, but some deserted part of my brain still lingers on with these uncalled for thoughts.

With all of our genuine efforts we are able to goad Maxie into the large elevator and I let out a sigh of relief, but my relief would not stay for long. Maxie stared at me with pleading eyes. I could not even begin to understand why she was downtrodden; was this not a celebratory occasion? And then with the next words she spoke in the softest of tones the world stopped, along with the Jackals heart.

"Spinelli, I love you" Then the cold and merciless stone doors shut her out, shut her out from the Jackal.

My mind did not seem under my own control as it spun in horrendous circles. My heart raced and I could feel the physical sweat on my brow as I sat in the waiting room. She loved me? How could she love me? Did she really mean it, or was she just delirious, but I knew in my heart that she was fully aware of what she was saying and most likely speaking in full truth of her heart. Although, even if she meant it what did it mean to me? Hadn't I fallen out of love with her long ago? I loved Ellie, didn't I? I tried to repeat this in my head, but images of the fair Max- no wait. I must stop myself from thinking these thoughts. My mind quickly sought to rebel against my will and put forth of images of Maxie in all her radiance. Even in her state of panic she was positively glowing and her eyes still somehow sparkled. She had never been more beautiful. Instead of her perfect and put together persona her hair was awry, her makeup was smudged, and instead of a designer dress she instead adorned a hospital gown, but she was magnificent. Everything was off about her, but everything was right about her at the same moment in time. Her glowing radiance, generous spirit, and breathtaking honesty to me had added a million times to her natural grace, fairy like features, and heart wrenching eyes.

But hadn't she also been the one that had broken my heart when she wedded another after I had pleaded with her to not? Hadn't she ignored and cheated on me? How many times had she proceeded to break my fragile heart, but how many times had she also made it anew in my love for her? I could clearly remember every feeling I had of her and my doubtless confidence of her unwavering devotion to me, but was this last statement true? No, it was always my unwavering devotion to her. I had always given her everything, preparing for the day she would take the light out of my dark and despairing life. I remembered her in all her perfection and glory; I could never believe she was even mine, let alone her eternal devotion. I knew she would find some other, better, regular man and forget me entirely and I would for the rest of my life spend my days cradling every precious memory I had of her. Then when she, my perfect angel had betrayed me and wedded another I had fallen further than I ever had before. The day I confronted her about her discretion I was in more agonizing pain than I had ever felt before. The very act of rebuking her was nearly my fatal end and after words I had spent the night desperately sobbing into my pillow. But why do I let myself remember all of these days? Had I not fallen in love with Ellie Trout and long forgotten Maxie Jones? Ellie would never betray me; she was honest, kind, intelligent, and beautiful. She had made me better after the tornado that is Maxie left me heartbroken. Although in all truth had Ellie ever made me feel as alive as Maxie had? She made me happy, but Maxie had always been the one that made my heart sore.

I knew I was losing this treacherous fight, but still I fought on. I felt assured of Ellie's love for me, but I had always fought for Maxie. But does that not make the prize all the sweeter? (An. I am NOT trying to degrade women here. All I am trying to do is say that Spinelli always fought for her love in Spinelli speak. I hope no one is offended)

I knew I was one push away from losing and I was terrified. Then I remembered the terrified expression on Maxie's face when she had found out about the emergency see section. How dangerous was this procedure!? My mind all but hollers at me; Maxie's heart was always weak. Could her heart even withstand this procedure? With that I race with ungraceful strides to the viewing room in the process almost pushing down two passing nurses.

Once I reach the viewing room I am out of breath, but it hardly matters. I see the father to be watching anxiously behind the cruel glass that separates us from our loves and join him in equal deprivation. Staring through the glass I see that Maxie had taken to weakly smiling at me and I give her as an exuberant smile as I could manage with a petty thumb up. How I wished that I could be in that unforgiving hospital room holding her hand and whispering comforting words the entire time.

Watching her strength throughout the entire surgery was simply breathtaking and I had to stop myself from completely forgetting that someone else is in the room and proceeding to mutter incompetent sentences to myself of her sure majesty. Although I couldn't help but whisper how she was the fair Maximista to myself when the beautiful baby girl was born. I congratulated the new father who barely registered it while he stared in awe at the new born. In all seriousness I couldn't help to be drawn to the baby myself and felt the strangest streak of protectiveness swell in my breast.

Once the little girl was cleaned and handed to the new mother the doctor started working on my beautiful Maximista once again and I could not stifle my excitement at being able to see her in a few short hours, confessing to her my impending feelings of love and adoration.

I see her giving me another more tentative glance and I beam at her only hoping she would understand every carefully placed ounce of love in that smile and in this joyous moment my mind could not help, but orbit back to the subject of poor, kind Ellie. A part of me loathed myself for knowing that I was going to leave her for someone I had pronounced long gone from my thoughts many a time, but I also knew that I could not make her suffer through a long and tedious relationship with someone who did not truly love her like he had promised. Discontinuing our relationship would be the only way to allow her to seek her utmost happiness and I could only hope that she would understand my reasoning's and not hate me with the utmost ferocity.

Now I could clearly understand what had happened. Ellie had helped me out of grieving and I had truly believed that I had given my heart to her, but it was not mine to give. I knew that Maxie had broken my heart, but I had thought at the time that she had thrown the broken shards back in my quivering face. This was not the true happenings, though. Maxie had kept those pitiful shards and while it caused me great pain and suffering I believe it had caused her pain as well. She had told me she loved me moments ago and did that perhaps mean that she had cherished those broken fragments clinging to them and crying over them. Had she tucked them in the safest place in her own heart and patiently waited for me to give her the slightest opportunity to put them back together like she always had? Was the only reason that I had suffered for this long was because I couldn't believe that we were meant to be? I push this all back in my odd head because none of this mattered anymore. The fair Maximista and The Jackal would be reunited in a short matter of hours that seemed would carry on forever like the longest ocean. I shake my head reminding myself that I had waited years for her and that I could wait a few more hours, but then it happened. My Maximista was failing.

Hey guys, I hoped you like the first installment of Devotion and Courtship. I think it's going to be in the realm of three to five chapters, but I'm not positive. I know it's progressing at an alarming rate, but I think that I explained why it did, but it's also because the story is going to be so short that things need to proceed quickly. Thank you for reading and I love reviews-moonandsunprincess

Ps. what do you think of how I portrayed Spinelli's thoughts and emotions?