Her eyes. Her eyes say so much when she looks towards his direction. The glow, the laugher, the sparkle within. Everyone is happy for her, for them. It's a new beginning and the chance for a normal life that she has said she is not entitled to live. No no, you can have it. You are normal like everyone else. Well, normal is a word that has many definitions. Her normal is so very her. She is not normal to me, she is above everyone. She is my heart, my soul and the reason I wake. She is not mine.
I watch from a distance when they are together, that is all I can do. She looks so beautiful and I feel the crushing realization that it is not me she wants. I revert to my shell, self-protection at its best. And yet I cannot leave her side. I am her friend, she reaches out to touch my arm and I try to calm the goose bumps from appearing. Does she notice? If so, she does not admit. She looks at me and smiles. And my heart melts.
She is so beautiful and yet does not realize. How can that be when he tells her all the time. Could it be she wants to hear it from you? Could it be that she wants to say the same to you? No, it is just a fantasy that keeps replaying in your mind. You should know better, she is your friend. She wants him.
I stand fixated on her features. It is not just the physical that attracts me, do not think of me as shallow. It is the way she laughs at little things. It is the way she conducts herself in business and in family settings. The easy in which she flows amongst people, and yet she wants to be in the background. I am before her with my heart beating in my chest and yet she does not see me.
She likes what he has to offer. An education, worldly travels, a free spirit, a shared past that is somewhat not shared. I wonder if she is alright with receiving from him when she could possibly have me? If only she would let me explain, declare, profess and love. If only, but she is just a friend. Can I risk losing you even if I would have everything to gain?
Her smile fills my heart, her laughter completes me. How do I go on watching the two together knowing that by being a coward I have missed my chance? But you do not want me, you say you want him. I will smile in his direction, I will congratulate at the wedding. She is yours now and my heart is broken.
The wedding, I will show up in heels. Maybe you will look at me, admire me and God Willing long for me. I will be beside you at the alter. Why am I not the one sliding the ring on your finger? My heart feels like a boulder in my chest and I somewhat have to learn to breathe again. Why cannot the first dance be mine? To hold you tenderly, look into your eyes and know you love me on our special day. I smile at you, you beam back at me. Why can't you see me?
The happy couple departs the reception among the applauds from our loved ones. "Isn't she beautiful today?" Yes, you reply. Are you blind? She is in love. She is in love with another. There is no longer a chance. And then the phone rings, you think it is work. You see her name and have an uneasy feeling. After you answer, she says thank you for today and she misses you already. You smile, hang up and shed a tear.
Opening the door, you are greeted by silence. How can there be so little noise when your head is filled with so much? Shoes off, you change the rest of your clothes. They are together now in the hotel. Alone. Just as you are alone. With your thoughts, your dreams, your desires. She is not yours, she is his tonight. You open the refrigerator and reach for beer and wine. Hey, why not have them both in celebration of a lovely day!
As you sit on the couch, you recall days of old when you have fallen asleep beside each other. Did you imagine or was that real? Is any of this real? You are alone and the silence is deafening. She is not yours. You drink to diminish the pain of knowing it is not you she wants. As you finish both a bottle of wine and the beer, it is time for bed. They are in bed now as well, you think. Please stop thinking and black out.
In the morning, there is a brunch to attend. You arrive, freshly showed with a beautiful dress and hair flowing. The couple arrive and she sits down beside you. As she grasps your hand, you wish bullets would enter your body so that the pain would only be physical. It is not, it is so much more. She looks spectacular as always, as you feel your heart beating faster you reply "Hey there". She says that yesterday was incredible and thank you. "Don't mention it" you say. Please do not.
Before the happy couple departs for their honeymoon, you duck into the restroom for a moment to collect yourself. Can this really be happening? It is done, you realize, and all hope is gone. She chose someone and it was not you. You rate second, perhaps third or fourth. As you step out of the stall, you see her freshening herself in the mirror. You look beautiful as always, you say. What do you have to lose? It's already gone. She says "Thank you, I will think of you on the honeymoon". Just what you wanted to hear, or did you? After a brief hug that did not last a life time, you leave her behind to join the celebration. Damn, damn, damn you say to yourself. She emerges with tear stains down her cheeks. Could it be, are these for me?
After rejoining the family, the happy couple is soon departing for their special trip. "Goodbye" she says while you steel yourself for the subsequent pain. You hug her back, wanting to hold her for more than is appropriate. I love you, you hear yourself say, and then If only you loved me in return. She steps back from your grasp, a tear running down her face and she says "but I do…..". She turns and leaves with him. Your soul is crushed, and yet a glimmer of potential.
So is the curse of someone in love who will put on the forever more Fake Happy face until her dreams become reality.