After Your Heart Stops Beating OneShot Contest
Story Title: Linked
Penname: EllaB/EllaB_twilight
Summary: Fifty years ago, an unspeakable tragedy left Bella and Jacob alone, broken and enslaved. Can they comprehend and accept the one good thing they have left?
Word Count: 6,019
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Disclaimer: All characters and the world of Twilight belong to Stephenie Meyer.
My existence was a nightmare — a timeless eternity of pain. Too often I wished I could beg Alec to deaden my brain with his talent, even for a blissful moment. Maybe then I could have a reprieve from my memories. But Aro would never have allowed that. Instead, those memories followed me everywhere I went, a black and white film that covered every other thing I set my eyes on.
Memories of all of them…my family, my friends. I saw them in front of me every second of every day. Alice, Carlisle, Esme, Jasper, Emmett, Rosalie. Sam, Seth, Embry, Quil and the rest of the pack, even Billy, Charlie and Renee, to my horror.
Edward.
Renesmee.
I felt the pain of each of their deaths daily, as acutely as the moment the Volturi ended them over a half century earlier. That fateful day, surrounded by my family and our many vampire witnesses, we had hoped for things to go much differently. But Aro and his brothers were prepared, somehow knowing that we would have a group congregated. We had been overwhelmed by the combined number of the guards and their riled, mob-like witnesses.
They hadn't killed me, as much as I wished they had. Aro and Caius had come to Forks with a specific goal. They wanted to add a new member to their guard. So in addition to me, the Volturi had left one other survivor.
Jacob Black.
Jacob was more than just a shape shifter and a desirable asset in vampire politics. He was my best friend. The Volturi knew this and used it to their advantage. We both fell for it, powerless to do anything else. Aro and Caius knew that if they wiped out every other creature we both cared for, we would be desperate to do anything to save each other.
Besides my memories, Jacob was the only thing I cared about — the only tangible, living link to my last remembrance of happiness. I filled the same purpose for him. As much as he was my whole life, I hated that he was here, just as he hated that I was here. We were both slaves in the gilded walls of Volterra, bound by the unavoidable hold that Chelsea struggled to maintain, and obligated by our loving connection to each other. I would remain a reluctant assistant to the guard as long as Jacob lived. He would suffer his humiliating existence as Aro's guard dog until I ceased to exist.
Keeping him alive had become my life's goal, and the simple knowledge that my existence had a purpose kept me from seeking my end.
It had been fifty-one years, two months and seventeen days since Aro, Caius and the guard wiped out everyone I ever cared for, save for one. Nearly 19,000 days enslaved as puppets in the endless struggle for Volturi dominance.
This was my life, my eternity.
OoOoOoOoO
"Shouldn't you get something to eat?" I asked Jacob, settling on the other side of our couch and glancing over at his brooding form. We had both just been dismissed for the day by Caius and had immediately retired to our shared apartment in the sprawling Volturi compound.
"Not hungry," he muttered, raking his hand through his short black hair. I missed his long glossy locks, but Aro demanded that he keep his hair shorn so his wolf form was sleek.
I gave him a hard look. Knowing his appetite like I did, I knew that something must be wrong. In Volterra, Jacob was almost as famous for how much he could put away at a meal as he was for his ability to shift into a gigantic wolf and tear apart enemies of the Volturi.
"Tell me, Jake."
He sighed, not meeting my eyes. "Caius wants me to go with Demetri and Jane to check out the situation in northern Russia. It's pretty bad there, with three different newborn armies fighting. And there've been some werewolf sightings."
I knew he meant true werewolves, not shape shifters like him, and I couldn't stop my shudder.
"I could be gone for months this time." He sighed again, and reached for my feet to lift them on his lap. Sometimes we sat like this for hours, just allowing our proximity to numb the pain of our daily work and the memories of those we'd lost.
Dread hit me like a punch. "Months this time…" My chest felt heavy at the idea of him being gone that long, and I know he felt exactly the same. His constant physical presence was all that kept me sane, and vice versa.
"I'll go get you some dinner," I said, pulling my legs back from him and stumbling up in an awkward parody of my former human grace. I needed to get out of the room — to be anywhere but there. Jacob's worry and my own panic threatened to stifle me more than I could handle at that moment. I had almost made my escape when I felt his searing hot hand close on my forearm and yank me around against his shaking torso.
"Don't, Bella. Please…" I started to protest, but he silenced me with his desperate words. "I know, I know," he kept repeating. "I know…" His voice hitched. "You feel like you need to get away from me right now. I know you do. But I'm begging you…not now."
Jacob and I had both gone on separate, extended missions before, but never more than a few weeks. Our reunions after those trying times had always been bittersweet: sweet because we were finally together again, but bitter because we always came back to the other as a haunted shell of ourselves, strained to the brink from the emotional toll that a protracted separation always brought.
We never spoke of it, even though it was an obvious truth. But then again, there were a lot of things we didn't speak of aloud.
We had existed in a daily dance of denial, never letting the other know how acutely we still felt…about our past, our unfortunate present, whatever miserable future was in store for us, and about our feelings for each other. We had put a wall up to keep out all emotion, and for fifty years it had held strong.
Tonight, in his overwhelming fear, Jacob appeared to be dropping that wall. After all this time with him, I had never been this astonished - or alarmed.
"I've tried so hard to be numb," Jacob said, forcing every word out, looking more terrified than I'd seen him in five decades. "As long as I don't let myself feel anything, I can't be taken over by the hurt… God, Bella, I haven't let myself think of her in so long… Renesmee…" Her name split from his lips with the anguish of a broken man, and I crumbled to the ground with him, his arms still clinging to me.
"I'm here, Jake…I'm here." And trying desperately not to crack open myself.
He pulled back so we sat next to each other on the ground and he could look in my eyes. His gaze was haunted. "Ignoring what happened…it's been too easy lately. I don't know if it's because I've gotten good at drifting through this fucked up life, or if that old saying about time and old wounds is true."
"It's not," I whispered. "Every day I feel like I did the moment the light went out in their eyes." As soon as the words left my lips, I cringed at the lie. Truth is, I was also disturbed by the uncomfortable effortlessness lately. It was becoming easier to exist…and harder to live with myself because of that.
"You want to know what I think?"
I nodded, my wide eyes darting over his face — the tears that decorated his russet skin, the tired, but resolved look of his eyes, the firm set of his mouth. I knew whatever he was about to say was monumental.
"I think it's been easier because I'm finally getting comfortable with the realization that you're all I have now, Bella."
"I'll always be here for you," I said, my voice deliberately matter-of-fact and lacking in warmth.
"But, I'm also realizing that…well, frankly, you're all I need."
I inhaled sharply, not knowing where he was going with this, and uneasy with the way my mind immediately agreed with him.
He hesitated before saying her name again. "Renesmee was my reason for existing." He paused again, letting the utter truth of that statement soak in. "She was taken from me, and there's nothing I can do about that. And now I'm here, still existing even though my reason is gone."
"Jake…" I said, pained. My sweet daughter… These things were excruciating to hear aloud, and I knew intuitively that it killed Jacob to be so raw with his thoughts and emotions.
"I never wanted you to know this, Bells, but I thought I hated you for many years after that day." I jerked in astonishment at his confession, his words hitting me hard, making me feel a pang of something different in my frozen soul. "I wanted to end my life, but I couldn't as long as you were still in this world. I resented you because my pain would continue as long as I lived, and I only lived because of you."
"Why are you telling me this, Jake?" My voice was almost inaudible.
"Because something changed." He paused, choosing his words carefully. "It was around the time I was gone for three weeks in South America about five years ago."
I nodded. That had been the most difficult separation up to this point. When Jacob had returned, he had been especially distant and careful with me. I had noticed, but hadn't said anything, because that would have meant talking about what we were feeling. And talks like that were to be avoided…
"During that trip, something made me realize that I've just been making excuses this whole time…trying to force a distance between us because I thought it would be easier. I mean, you remind me of everything I…we…lost, so why wouldn't I rather be alone?"
I dropped my head, understanding his thought process all too well.
"But it's not easier," he continued. "Because…I want to be near you." Jacob got a far-away look in his eyes. "I felt something…something got through all the carefully crafted numbness."
I blanched, imagining the world of agony I would experience if I'd let down my guard and opened my heart to emotion. Torture, with no Jasper around to make it better.
"It surprised me, because it wasn't what I expected."
"Was it worse?" I whispered.
His eyes were kind and sad as they settled on me. "No. Just…surprising. And a bit confusing, actually. But this feeling helped me to understand that I never really hated you…I just needed someone to blame." He reached for my hand and I allowed him to hold on to me. "You're my best friend, Bells. I don't think I ever could hate you."
"I hate myself," I said, my voice cracking.
"I know," he said simply. "But I don't. This is not what we planned for our lives, Bella. But I'm…I'm okay with existing, as long as I know you're here with me. I can keep going, as long as I can turn to you. I think…" He paused here, weighing his words carefully. "I think we deserve to let ourselves feel the one good thing that we still have left."
"Yes," my brain screamed at me in agreement, rejoicing that Jacob had finally, and so logically, put into words what my own betraying thoughts had been trying to work out for years. I only lacked the words and courage to understand it.
My frozen heart, however, felt as though it had begun to beat again, radiating guilt with every pump.
"How can we?" The constant pain was a tribute…an aching reminder that Edward, Renesmee and the others had existed and loved us. "I can't…" I took a ragged breath. "They were everything to me…everything. I don't think I'm capable of feeling anything good anymore. It…it feels like a dishonor to their memory."
Jacob seemed to steel himself, and knowing him like I did, I prepared for his brutal honesty.
"They weren't everything to us." My eyes flew wider and I snarled. Jacob put his hands up, standing his ground even as I shifted to a crouch. How dare he…
"Bella, listen to me. Aro may have taken away so much, but we both still exist, and we love each other." My lips lowered to cover my bared teeth, and Jacob relaxed slightly. "The Volturi didn't take everything. They left us each other."
"Yeah, because they knew it was the only way to keep us from killing ourselves. Aro didn't do us any favors, Jake."
"I know that," he said, his voice sad. "But does that mean we can't make the best of the situation? I'm here with you, Bella. I loved you before all this happened, I still love you and I'll always love you. We're linked, and that link has nothing to do with Aro, Caius, or anyone else but me and you." His tone grew fierce. "The Volturi haven't manipulated me into feeling anything for you…those feeling were always there."
"Jake, I don't want you to think I don't have these feelings too, because I do… It's just…" my words trailed off, because I realized I had nothing more to say to defend my position.
I slumped, exhausted and overwhelmed by the release of emotion between the two of us in the last few minutes. I wished for the smallest second that I could sleep, because I needed to shut down and recharge.
Jacob scooted closer, putting his massive arms around my huddled figure. This embrace felt different…charged. I felt my own body flare with an enormous warmth that was so forgotten, it was foreign. Jacob's scent, which I would have wrinkled my nose at fifty years ago, was now the fragrance of comfort and home. I inhaled softly, savoring it without thinking.
"Bella…"
The moment my name passed his lips, I knew exactly what was happening. And I was terrified to feel that warm hope bubbling in my icy heart. I couldn't deal with this. Not now…not ever. It was a betrayal to everyone I ever loved.
"Please…" I pleaded, whispering so softly I was almost mouthing the words. "Don't, Jake. We can't…"
"I'm in love with you. I can't help it. And after all these years of feeling nothing but unhappiness, the first thing to crack through that wall I'd built up was you." I was speechless. "Every day for the past few years, I've watched you closely — you know you still nibble your lip when you read? And you always give a deep sigh when you get to a good part. Those little moments…I treasure them. They're the few moments every day when I allowed myself to relax and feel something…good."
"No, Jake…" Yes, Jake…
"Bella…yes." His tone was insistent, growing stronger as his confidence grew. "These moments, sitting on this couch, just being in each other's presence…I cherish them. It's not just because I depend on you for support. It is because…I love you, Bella. I'm in love with you."
His admission made me wish I could smile, declare it back and then seal the declaration with a kiss, like I truly wanted to. Instead, I shook my head. "You're only saying these things because you're stressed out about the mission Aro's sending you on. And the amount of time we'll be apart."
"Maybe that is why I'm finally telling you," he mused, looking thoughtful. "But it's something I've wanted to tell you for probably four or five years now, since that trip to South America."
"That long?" I croaked.
"That long," he replied, his grip on me tightening. I wanted him to hold me even tighter, but that would have felt too good.
"I don't…I can't… Jake." His name passed my lips almost as a plea to stop the rush of emotion that I could feel overtaking me. These feelings were an infidelity to Edward's memory.
As if reading my mind, Jacob insisted, "I can't imagine that they would want us to continue the way things are." His hand rubbed gently up and down my back. "Hell, Bella…what we have can barely be called a life. We're slaves to people we hate, we're slaves to our misery and self-loathing… I want to take charge of the one part of my life I can control."
"That's not how it's supposed to be," I interrupted weakly.
"Says who?" he shot back. I didn't respond — I didn't know how to answer him.
He leaned closer and I closed my eyes as I felt his warm breath on my ear. "Once upon a time you loved me romantically, even though you were in love with Edward. Remember?"
I hated myself for nodding, and hated myself even more for the yearning I felt for his closeness.
"I know your heart still belongs to Edward, but…at one point you loved us both. Why can't you do that now?" His voice became a soft plea. "Love us both."
Fighting my desire to succumb, I shook the fuzzy and pleasant feelings and sat up abruptly. Jacob's hand fell from my back in surprise. "And is it so easy for you to forget my daughter? Your imprint?" He winced at the venom in my words, and I was numb as I said them. "She was only a child, after all…nothing of importance to you, apparently. At least one of us still mourns her."
This time it was Jacob's turn to snarl, and he shoved himself away from me as his muscles began trembling with the urge to phase. I waited for him to shift, to yell, to do something that would redirect the conversation from this uncomfortable hoping to the familiar angst I had grown dependent upon.
Instead, he took a deep breath and faced me with his dark eyes bright with emotion. "I will love and remember Renesmee every day of my life. She was my world, Bella…and you know that. You understand like no one else ever could."
That shut me up, and Jacob continued.
"I'm talking about living my life — our lives — the way she would want me to. The way Edward would want you to. He wouldn't want you to curl up and float numbly through your eternity."
"How would you know?" the vitriol in my tone rose again.
"That night," Jacob said softly, taking a step toward me and extending a hand, "That night in the tent before the battle with Victoria… Edward and I talked while you were asleep. He only ever wanted you to be happy, Bella. He even admitted that he would step away if you chose me over him."
I dropped my head, shaking it in disbelief. "Jacob…"
"Think about it," he interrupted. "He even went so far as to suggest that you and I could have children together if it would make you happy. Edward would have done anything to ensure your contentment, even if that meant putting you with me." When I still didn't take his extended hand, he grabbed it where it hung at my side and pulled me into a hug. I molded to his body, feeling completely consumed by his skin and scent. Quietly, he added, "I think Edward and Renesmee would be very disappointed with us for wallowing in misery for over half a century."
In my mind, I tried to deny what Jacob was saying. But I couldn't. He was right.
"I don't know how to exist any other way," I said weakly.
"That's not true, honey," Jacob answered. "Fifty years ago, we were both happy. Edward, Renesmee, our families — they taught us what it meant to be joyful and loved. They taught us well. We just need to remember that and honor it."
I pulled away to look deeply into his eyes, hope flaring and making me uneasy with its uncertain promises. "Will you help me?"
"Only if you'll do the same for me."
I nodded and Jacob moved toward me, as if to hug me again. I closed my eyes and opened my arms to wrap him up against me when I was surprised to feel white hot skin touching my lips. I jerked back in surprise but he followed my movements, continuing to press his soft lips against my granite ones, insistent.
A wave of heat took over my body, and my first instinct was to identify it as shame, embarrassment, something wrong. Except it kept washing over me, not settling in my cheeks or ears, but rather the center of my chest, where my heart no longer beat.
Puzzled, I didn't move, allowing Jacob to inch closer to me and move his mouth softly against mine. All the while I contemplated this inner emotion I was feeling. It was an aching, but not in a bad way. It was unfamiliar, yet its flavor was definitely something I had experienced in the past. As Jacob brushed my lower lip with the tip of his tongue and the warmth spread to settle lower, I nearly yelped in astonishment.
It was pure, hot desire.
In the nanosecond it took for me to register this, I broke away from the kiss with a muffled gasp, followed by a strange sound that echoed inside of our chamber. Jacob gazed at me in wonder as the last waves of my surprised laughter died out among the stone walls of our apartment.
Laughter. I had just laughed!
The two of us were quiet with wonder for a second before breaking out into our first smiles in fifty years. I was surprised that it felt natural on my face, and looking at Jacob, I was struck by something else — how handsome my best friend was when he smiled.
The desire flared again, and this time it was I who closed the distance between our lips. It felt too good to ignore this burgeoning excitement, and I was tired of feeling nothing but despair. I tried not to tell myself that I would regret this.
Before I knew what we were doing, Jacob had picked me up and backed me against the wall, every inch of my frame meeting hot werewolf. I knew I probably felt hard to him, but he was so muscular that he felt quite firm to me as well. And the firmest part of him pressed into my torso, growing harder by the moment.
He pulled his lips away from mine to grab a lungful of air before continuing his sweet kisses across the corner of my mouth to the sensitive spot just under my earlobe. I hissed in a very un-Bella-like way when he bit down on my lobe gently and I felt the sting of his teeth breaking my flesh.
Pleasure mixed with pain…it felt appropriate. It felt good.
"Bells," he groaned in my ear, his hands scorching me as they trailed up and down my sides, grazing the curves on the sides of my breasts. He kept me pinned against the wall, grinding his erection into my stomach. "Let me make you feel good…you deserve to feel good."
"God, yes," I moaned, breathless, pulling his Volturi-issue black button-down shirt out from the waistband of his Italian slacks. I felt his muscles shiver underneath my cool fingers as I tore the button off his waist and dipped my hand inside his pants to rake against the soft smattering of black hair below his navel. He growled in response, mimicking my actions and tearing open the button and zipper of my black pencil skirt.
Care and tenderness were abandoned for frenzied groping. I used my strength to pull Jacob around until he was against the wall, and immediately dropped to my knees, ripping away the fabric covering his groin and legs. The pants and Jacob's boxer briefs fell in tatters at my sides. I didn't hesitate to admire his significant length and girth before plunging my mouth down around the head of Jacob's straining erection.
"Fuck! Bella…ungh," his cry became a groan and his hands tightened against my scalp, tugging my hair firmly and giving him control over the motions of my head. Moaning around his hot skin, I allowed him to push himself further down my throat, relaxing as his hips bucked slightly. Pulling back, I pressed my tongue firmly against the underside of his cock, pausing at the end to tickle around his head and taste his salty flavor. Jacob pulled my hair again and thrust his length deeper in my mouth. Again, I whimpered around his skin far back in my throat and he snarled in response.
I didn't have time to attend to his cock for long, because soon Jacob was pulling me up to my feet again and with one tremendous yank that sent buttons scattering across the stone floor, tore my blouse from my body. I gasped as the cool air hit my pale skin and we both paused and locked eyes.
Jacob continued to growl, and his black eyes glittered with hunger as he took a step toward me. I stepped backwards, allowing him to stalk me all the way until the back of my legs hit the couch. I expected him to push me down on the cushions, and he didn't disappoint. What I didn't expect was for him to lean over me and take the satin strap holding the lace cups of my bra together in his teeth. His gaze never left mine as he tore the cloth straight through with a roar. My nipples, already hard, tightened even more in response to the contrast of the chilled air and Jacob's heated breath.
His arms encircled my naked torso, holding me closely against him as he laved my nipples with broad strokes of his tongue, branding me with fire against my sensitive nubs. Just as with my ear, he scraped his teeth against me, coming dangerously close to breaking through my skin but also giving me the intense sensation I craved after years of feeling nothing.
"So good, Jake," I cried, digging my fingertips into his scalp in a rough massage and wriggling my hips up, seeking friction against the growing urgency between my legs. Jacob's tongue stopped its attentions and he looked up at me, his nose flaring and the rumbling in his chest growing louder.
"I can smell your sex," he growled, savoring the air like it was a sweet perfume. "You want me."
I reached down between his legs and pumped my hand up and down his shaft a few times. "You want me too."
"I do," his raspy voice lowered.
"So take me."
Both of us fumbled with the remaining scraps of clothing on our bodies, tearing them away as if they were nothing more than paper. I leaned back against the back of the couch, spreading myself wide in preparation for him, but Jacob surprised me again.
He gathered me in his arms, every inch of my nakedness caressed by every inch of his, and carried me out of our sitting room and into his bedroom. The tenor of our encounter had abruptly changed, from frenetic and hurried to tender and loving. As Jacob set me down on his comforter, he captured my lips with his. We worshipped each others mouths with soft tongues and gentle kisses while Jacob stretched out next to me on the bed.
I reached for him, wrapping my hand around his hip and pulling him toward me. Jacob rolled until he was atop me, his length pressing urgently against the inside of my thigh and his hands alternately rubbing down my skin and tangling in my tresses. My legs fell open and he settled comfortably there, pressing his cock against me with every thrust of my own hips. We rocked together slowly, savoring the sweetness of the moment — something that had been an impossibility for too long.
"I love you, Bella," Jacob said, hushed. His words were a tentative truth, made more significant because of the context of the moment.
"I love you too, Jacob," I said, meaning it. The head of his heavy cock settled at my entrance, burning me deliciously with its heat. I rolled my hips toward him, capturing the first half inch of his length. Jacob hissed, pulling back minutely before reaching underneath me to cup my buttocks in his large hands. Lifting my hips, he moaned loudly and pressed back into me, sliding in slowly, smoothly. The feeling was overwhelming as I stretched to fit him.
"Yeeessss," Jacob groaned, pausing for a moment before beginning to move. I looked down between us and saw him plunging into me, his cock glossy with my wetness, his skin bright with a sheen of sweat.
I threw my head back and cried out with the sheer overwhelming feeling of everything. My brain was alive, offering a steady stream of murmurings and profanity for my mouth to utter. My heart was acutely hot with love and utter emotion. And my body…oh, God, my body was singing for Jacob.
I became aware that I was talking, saying a steady stream of unconscious love talk as Jacob continued to pound into me.
"So much…it's so much, Jake! I never thought, oh God, yes!" He changed his angle and hit a different spot deep inside of me, and I shrieked from the intensity. My muscles began to squeeze around him, and Jacob leaned down and bit my shoulder as he moved. I exploded into orgasm as his teeth broke the skin, sharp pain radiating from the area and manifesting into the most amazing pleasure.
"I love your pussy…God, I love how tight you are, Bells," Jacob murmured, his voice getting more and more strained. "I need to…oh, I'm so close."
I wanted his essence in my very soul. "Come inside of me, Jake," I whispered, still wracked with throbbing bliss in my very center. "I want you to fill me."
"I'm…oh, fuck."
"Jake, yes!"
"Fuck, Bella!" he cried out, thrusting one last time and dropping his forehead against the juncture of my neck. Inside of me, I felt him twitch, hot streams of his seed spilling out as I cried out in satisfaction, knowing I would be covered with his scent from the inside out.
I didn't even have a moment to process what had just happened before he was kissing me again. His movements were deliberate and demonstrated his adoration and respect for me. I returned them without question, amazed that my level of passion was showing no sign of waning now that we had finished.
Jacob was murmuring in my ear, beautiful words of devotion and memory. They were delicious sustenance for my awakening soul, and I relaxed and enjoyed them. Soon he grew quiet, but his lips remained at my ear, first brushing against them gently, then tickling the delicate curves with the tip of his tongue.
"Mmm, Jacob…" I arched myself against him involuntarily, enjoying his attentions.
"Bella…oh, my Bella," he breathed.
I felt his waning manhood twitch and begin to swell full again, to my surprise. As he grew erect again, pressing deeper inside of me, his lips grew more urgent against my temple and jawline. Soon he was rocking his hips toward me in a slow, sensual rhythm. I felt every inch of him sliding back and forth inside of me gently. I turned my head toward him and kissed him softly, savoring the quiet sounds of our breathing and our bodies moving together.
"Is this good?" he asked faintly, his face relaxed.
"This is good," I told him, moaning, loving the quiet intimacy of the moment. One of Jacob's strong hands stroked across my stomach, drawing lazy circles on my skin and causing tension to rise between my legs where his cock moved in me. My orgasm washed over me sweetly when Jacob slid his hand higher and began loving on my breasts, kneading them carefully and paying particular attention to the eager, pebbled peaks.
"Oooohhhhh," my voice was hushed, overwhelmed at the absolute rightness of the situation. My muscles embraced where our bodies were joined, and soon Jacob was moaning his own release. We clung to one another, spent but desperate for closeness.
"I can't believe how much I need you, Bells," Jacob said, his voice thick with emotion and exhaustion.
As Jacob curled himself around me, relaxing in the wake of his orgasm by pulling me flush with his body, I couldn't help but wonder if this newly realized hunger was only a temporary need for physical intimacy. Despite the amazing love we had just demonstrated, I couldn't stop the internal struggle with myself about whether I should share something more permanent with Jacob. I wanted it…God, I hadn't wanted something so much since I cradled my beloved Renesmee in my arms minutes before the battle, wanting her to be safe.
But I was still having trouble convincing myself that this entire encounter hadn't been a dishonor to Edward's memory.
I waited for the guilt to hit me — waiting for the reminder that I was betraying my dead husband.
Jacob kissed my temple softly, and I sighed, tired and comfortable.
The guilt never came, but the rightness of the situation lingered. As much as I was afraid to hope for anything in this existence, I began to. I heard Jacob's words echo in my head: After all these years of feeling nothing but unhappiness, the first thing to crack through that wall I'd built up was you, Bella. Edward and Renesmee taught us what it meant to be joyful and loved. We just need to remember that and honor it.
This was…good.
I squeezed my arms and felt Jacob's body in them. This was right. Fifty years of misery began to break down, replaced by pleasant, constant warmth in my granite heart.
And in the midst of that warmth, I felt something else — something unmistakeable.
Edward.
I felt his presence in my heart, almost as if he were near me, smiling his crooked smile. It didn't feel foreign, probably because it was always there in the depths of my unused, neglected soul, waiting dormant for something to come along and make me feel alive again.
I laughed for the second time in more than five decades, causing Jacob to look up at me drowsily, smiling.
"I love you," I told him, snuggling against him, my life looking considerably better than it had even an hour ago. Impossibly, I felt closer to my lost loved ones through my closeness with Jacob. I felt him relax against me, his breathing evening out as he drifted into a content sleep. It felt natural to be against him, naked and entwined. We had been denying ourselves for too long.
The link the two of us shared was not just a simple loop of two individual creatures. It stretched wide, including links from our past and links we had yet to forge. Yet we were the two centerpieces, holding strong together, creating a family of connections. A family…
I chanced a peek at Jacob's serene face. I hadn't seen him so peaceful since the days before he learned he was a werewolf. Leaning forward, I pressed my lips against his cheekbone, and his mouth curved in a sleepy smile. It was beautiful, and I matched his grin with my own. I wanted to get him to smile more often.
I was suddenly optimistic. My life, my eternity had held no hope whatsoever for so long. Now it held hope, along with the memories of love that I had kept bottled away and collecting dust.
I had a future — a timeless eternity of possibility. I had a past. I had my memories and I had my best friend. It was time for me to stop existing and start living.