All right! This is the first major story I've written for this site, so please review this. Your feedback will be greatly appreciated!
This story is purely fictional, so remember that while you enjoy the madcap hilarity and magic of "Tribute to the Area Man".
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the copyrighted characters used in this story, but the Breaking Gang is mine.
Diablo Films Entertainment. The place where the best of video games, cartoons, anime, and the like come together to make their own shows. They don't do it for the money (even though the pay's good); they do it for the glory. Most importantly, they do it to show their creative sides.
When I joined this network, who would have thought I would be a part of the most acclaimed series in Diablo Films history? Who would have thought me and my friends would come to South Park and changed the world? Who would have thought that we'd last for nearly 9 years?
And most importantly, who would have thought that I'd work with Eric Cartman all this time, and haven't choked him out?
Tribute to the Area Man. Just the name alone carries a lot of weight. It started in 2005, and we have gone through it all… literally. From divorce trials, to music video contests, to aliens, to Russian signs who want the CCCP to return. So to tell you the story of Area Man, I must take you to the beginning and go from there.
It was Christmas Day, 2004…
Whoville in the Dr. Seuss universe. Every year, almost all of the performers and staff of Diablo Films converge on this mountain town to celebrate the holiday season. But most importantly, they converge here for the Diablo Films Winter Draft. The code name for this is "World Premiere Toons".
Remember the NBA and NFL drafts? This is the same thing. Every May and December, 2 drafts are held where people pick out the newest stars from… well, just about anywhere. There have been busts (like someone's BRILLANT idea to take a bicycle #1 overall in 1996), and successes (like 2001 with the GameCube and the Game Boy Advance). In 2004, the big prospects for that year were Eminem's album Encore, Metroid Prime 2…
…and my video game, Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door. Everyone had tapped my game as the top prospect, which had delighted me and my friends (Hee Hee! I guess people see a brilliant RPG when they see it!) I was there in Whoville alongside some of my colleagues, like Vivian and Bobbery.
The draft started with Cindy Lou Who starting the festivities. That was exciting, since Cindy Lou was a legendary figure on the network. She was one of the very first breakout stars the network had, and at the time she had the top show on DFTV with her long-time friend Kirby called The Kirby and Cindy Show. Afterwards, out came the President and Majority Owner of DFTV, Miss Carrie Burrell. She was a 55-year-old woman with some wear and tear on her body, but her mind was still sharp as a tack (still is!) and she knew how to lay down the hammer on an employee if she needed to. Her hair was brown with some shades of gray, and she was heavy-set to say the least. And on that cold Christmas morning in the mountain town of Whoville, Carrie stood at that podium and said:
"With the first pick in the 2004 Winter Draft, David Haskell selects: Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door, from Nintendo"
And I knew my life would be forever changed.
A few minutes later somewhere in the suburbs of Whoville, me and my friends met David Haskell for the first time.
David was an enthusiastic boy from Boston, who also was an old-timer in television. He started in the 1980's working on a show for NBC called The Breaking Gang, where alongside his female friend Karen Burton, made havoc for their bosses at the Balloon Institute near Boston. They left NBC in 1991 to join the just-starting studio Diablo Films, and the rest is history. Now here's the strange part: According to his bio, he's about 20-something, but he looks like he's 6 years old! Yep, a man trapped in a 6-year-old's body (And that's just one of the strange people I would work with on this network over the years)! He seemed like a calm person as he stood there with his wife Karen (That's right: Those 2 tied the knot! From what he told me, it was quite a moving ceremony). Karen was about 3 years younger than David and has long black hair, plus she was a philosophical type of girl, often engaging in morality talks with David. But what really got the 2 together (according to them) is that both of them had prankster sides: David would play pranks on his handlers at the BI, and Karen would jump on David any chance she gets. And to keep things on the level, she's also 20-something, but she looks like a 3-year old!
The day after Christmas, me and the Breaking Gang headed to Boston to work on some skits. I'll tell you how that went later. But the day after that, I woke up and turned on the news.
And I was shocked.
"This is Roger Horton speaking. Breaking News at this hour: The Breaking Gang have traded away the rights to Paper Mario to Eric Cartman for the rights to Eminem's album Encore. The deal was rumored to be made around 5:30 A.M…"
I didn't pay attention to the rest of the story. This was a good news/bad news situation. The good news was I wouldn't have to deal with David and Karen anymore. The bad news was simple: Eric Cartman.
Now we all know who Eric Cartman is: That fat, racist, loud, unreasonable kid that almost everyone agrees have some screws loose. He and the other members of the South Park cartoon came on Diablo Films in the spring of 2003, and immediately made an impact. In the summer of that year, Eric was invited to star in the new DFTV "Adult Swim" show Insomniac, which made his DFTV career shoot upwards. The following year, he starred in the DFTV version of the anime Chance Pop Session. For him, it was amazing. As for the girls of Resonance of 3, well, you'll have to ask them how it went. However, the summer of 04' wasn't kind to him: The second season of Insomniac flopped, as well as an attempt to work with his long-time foe/love interest Wendy Testaburger with the show The Cartman and Wendy Show. Thanks to those 2 flops, he thought he should have gotten the #1 pick for the draft.
So when the Breaking Gang offered my video game to him, you bet he would take advantage of a second chance to get the bright new face of the network.
On December 29th, I met Eric Cartman for the first time since I got drafted (I met him before, which I'll get to later). His abrasive personality didn't get to me at first, but then he started to lay down his plan for a new show.
"Okay, try to get this through that weird head of yours. My new super-cool show will be in-your-face from beginning to end! It's called 'Tribute to the Area Man', and it'll look to appeal to every single man in the world."
"Everyone? Even sick weirdoes and criminals?"
"Whatever it takes to get an audience! Gay, straight, perverted, middle-class, rich, coin collectors, I want them ALL to watch!"
Now I'll admit that sounded pretty cool: Have a variety show that has something for everyone. But then I asked him how we were going to do it.
"I don't know, we'll make up some shit, sing something, whatever."
"Wait, wait. You don't have a plan for the show?! Cartman, is this going to be "anything goes"? I hate stuff like that."
"Anything goes… YES! That's going to be my formula to kick everyone's fucking ass!"
Oh, no! But before I can protest…
"Hey, mushroom! Got anyone else that can help?"
"Uhhhh… my game has a small Yoshi."
"Good! I'm going to spread the word! 2005 will be ours! Oh, and mushroom, don't fuck this up for me."
"DON'T CALL… me… a mushroom."
He had already left. That evening while heading back to my dorm (I was still attending UGoom at the time [GO GOOM!]) Eric sent me an E-Mail.
To the Mushroom:
First show January 4th in South Park. I secured a kick-ass auditorium for the premiere! It's a brick building with about 3,000 seats, and I plan to make that our permanent studio. Bring the Yoshi (and some music, if you want). And just remember, I'M THE BOSS HERE!
Cartman.
Oh, this partnership is off to a GREAT start.
Little did I know that when I got my footing on the show, everything would change. The madness would soon begin.
Thanks for reading! Updates for this will come periodically, and don't forget to look at my summery guide for previews of future chapters