Title: Insubordination
Series: Star Trek: Voyager
Rating: K
Author: Singing Violin
Summary: The J/C talk they cut at the end of the episode "Unimatrix Zero."
Disclaimer: Characters and universe are not mine.
Author's Note: When I saw Aunt Kathy's post-U0 fic, I wanted something different, but I agreed that the ending was too abrupt. So this is my version. No intention of stepping on her toes - I just wanted a little more Chakotay. ;)
"Hi," he said, smiling down at her.
She returned the grin, her eyes twinkling, as she put down her PADD. "Hi."
Then he sat down on the bed beside her, and his face fell.
"What is it?" she asked as she reached out and took his hand in hers.
He sighed, and there was silence while he considered his words. She waited patiently, rubbing her finger gently over the top of his palm.
"While you were gone," he told her, "Tom pointed out that he was acting first officer, and insisted that we go back to get you, regardless of whether your mission had been accomplished."
She cocked her head. "He was worried about B'Elanna."
"Yes," Chakotay answered. "But he was very insistent, and I shot him down, told him he was being insubordinate."
"Are you telling me that you want me to take back that shiny new pip once I get back on my feet?" she asked warily.
That drew another smile, and his dimples appeared briefly. "No." Then he was serious again, "He told me that he'd learned from the best." He looked over at her then, and then down at his lap, seeming to contemplate their hands, though he did not pull away. "Kathryn," he mumbled, then looked up to meet her concerned gaze, "Do you feel that I often undermine your authority? Am I insubordinate?"
It was her turn to sigh now. "Truthfully? Yes. But I've learned to live with it. I'd rather have you at my side than in the brig."
They were silent again for a time, while each contemplated the other's words. "Why?" he asked suddenly. "Why do you put up with me?"
Her eyes grew wide, then narrowed as she carefully chose her words. "Well," she explained tiredly, "at first I just chalked it up to your being a Maquis and not used to the command structure anymore. But I knew that I needed every person aboard this ship, and that if I could deal with you, then I could deal with the rest of the Maquis. I was willing to take leeway with those who had not signed up to be on a Starfleet ship, in order to win their favor, as long as the ship's function wasn't compromised. I think I did pretty well."
He nodded. "But then? Why have you continued to put up with me?"
She heaved another sigh. This wasn't exactly the conversation she wanted to be having while recovering from assimilation, but it wasn't as if there were a better time. "To be honest, Chakotay, I've worried sometimes that when you don't respect me, the crew won't either. But time and again, they've proven their loyalty - not to you, but to me. I figured, if it doesn't bother them, then it shouldn't bother me. Besides, I've grown used to having you around, and I do value your opinion, even if you don't always offer it in the most discreet manner. Your support on this particular mission was invaluable."
Her voice trailed off then, and she looked away once more.
He gasped. "You wanted me to talk you out of it," he realized aloud. "The one time you gave me permission to veto your authority, and I didn't do it."
She looked back at him. "We did the right thing. Didn't we?"
He shook his head. "Maybe, maybe not. But I let you risk your life. Again. And I nearly compromised the mission by sending Tuvok with you."
Now she shook her head. "Nobody could have anticipated his reaction," she pointed out. "By all accounts, I should have been safer given his presence."
"All the same..." he started, then stopped abruptly.
"What?" she asked, squeezing his hand for encouragement.
"I feel like I've been a lousy first officer," he admitted sadly. "And perhaps a lousy friend. Tom wanted so much to protect B'Elanna, and yet I was willing to let you die in there if need be."
She raised an eyebrow. "That," she told him firmly, "is exactly why you are a good first officer, and, when I am unavailable, a good captain. You respected my wishes, and the mission. You didn't let personal feelings get in the way."
"Didn't I?" he asked contemplatively. "Maybe I thought it was easier to let you die than to face my feelings."
"What feelings, Chakotay?" Kathryn asked suspiciously.
Suddenly he looked frightened. "Never mind. Forget I said it."
"Chakotay," the captain warned. "Talk to me."
"It's not important," he muttered bitterly. "I'm sorry I mentioned anything. I should go." With that, he dropped her hand and rose.
"Stay," Kathryn commanded. "That's an order. If you won't talk, then listen."
Obediently, he sat back down, placing his hands in his lap and looking down at them guiltily.
She sat up as best she could, groaning as she shifted position. He looked over at her then, but did not reach over to help, and in a moment, she settled herself against the pillows.
The captain took a deep breath. "If you had disobeyed my orders and brought us back before we completed our mission, regardless of your reasons, you would have been disrespecting my wishes...disrespecting me. That would have been insubordinate. And you've done that before, too, ignoring my wishes when I was out of commission, when I'd allied with the Borg to fight Species 8472, but got hurt aboard the Borg ship. Frankly, I'm glad you didn't repeat that mistake."
He nodded. She continued. "But most of all, I've learned to appreciate your particular brand of...loyalty. Sometimes it means you talk back to me, and sometimes I need to be talked back to. Which isn't to excuse Tom's behavior - though, I suppose I'm a little gratified to hear that you got a taste of your own medicine - but rather to say that, I'm glad you are the kind of first officer - and the kind of friend - who is willing to do whatever it takes to help me to accomplish my goals. Our goals. Even if that means letting me risk my life, even letting me die. And even when it means stopping me from doing something I'll regret. That might look, to the inexperienced officer, like insubordination, but as far as I'm concerned, it's the best service I could ever hope to receive - and not just from a former Maquis captain, but from any officer."
He seemed unconvinced, but meanwhile she was feeling exhausted from speaking and from sitting up. She slumped against the pillows, but he just watched her awkwardly, and she was too tired to ask for help.
As her eyelids grew heavy all of a sudden, she reached a hand out just as she had a day ago on the bridge. "Thank you, Chakotay. Although, I have to say, the damage you sustained at the hands of the Borg wasn't exactly what I was hoping for when I told you to surprise me."
At that, he grabbed her hand and began to smile again, ever-so-slightly. He squeezed, contemplating a reply, but before he could give one, she was asleep.
Only then did he reach over and tuck her in, bending down to kiss her lightly on the forehead. "Thank you, Captain," he whispered. "I'll have those carpets cleaned before you wake up."