Rescue Me *
By Sharan McQuack, Launchpad's wife.

*No, actually, I haven't watched the TV show of that name nor do I intend to. If YOU like it, you should watch it in good health.

Based on "Lovelorn Launchpad" from Uncle Scrooge # 396. FINALLY found a copy. Must be selling well. Would sell better if you dropped "Launchpad is an idiot" bit.

Already bought US # 397, even if it HAD Ugly Twerp in it. MY copy doesn't any more. I liked "Hidenpanic" better the FIRST way.

And if you think having UT dis Launchpad ( as he did in "A Dolt From The Blue")in the same manner such dweebs moan and groan about being treated (often 50 years after the fact)is going to make me LIKE UT...

I've invented a new game: count the unsold DWs sitting in the comic book store: 5 in mine. You guys check your sales report?

RANT ALERT! BLOWING OFF STEAM TIME!

WHAT DISNEY/MARVEL WILL DO NEXT:

"LOSE" Launchpad from "Uncle Scrooge" and forget about him.

Bring back "Talespin" and "PUSH" Balloo like they OUGHT to push Launchpad. Which they've TRIED before and it didn't work too well the LAST time.

(I swear in my brownie's scout's honor I did NOT know about Boom's upcoming Rescue Rangers comic when I wrote that!) Boom putting out a "Rescue Rangers"comic book WITHOUT also putting out a "Ducktales" comic makes no sense. Both would make sense. Ducktales was MORE popular than Rescue Rangers. Putting out a comic of Rescue Rangers without putting out a Ducktales comic, too? ILLOGICAL! ILLOGICAL! PLEASE EXPLAIN! PLEASE EXPLAIN!

Not sell terribly many comic books. But since they are ridiculously overpriced, they don't need to sell very many.

Otherwise annoy me.

Quote the sage of the day: "It's deju vu all over again." I've not only been thru this ONCE before, I've been thru this SEVERAL TIMES before.

Thank you, now I feel better.

One day Launchpad came into Mr. McDuck's office.

"Mr. McDee, I'm going to have to ask for a few days off. My wife, Sharan's plane went down in a blizzard in the Himalayan Mountains and I have to go rescue her."

"So? Go! Tell me when you get back." Mr. McDuck snorted.

Launchpad shrugged and got into the best plane for this sort of situation (1)and took for for my last reported location. His sister, Loopy was looking after our kids.

"Keep calm, brother mine." she said, giving him a sisterly peck on the check. "I was hurt and had to make an emergency landing and you rescued me.(2) You'll do the same for my sister in law, Sharan, wait and see." Loopy said.

Loopy had been flying over Duckburg when a freak snowstorm came out of nowhere. (It doesn't snow in Duckburg that often. But when it does...oh, brother!)
Loopy's plane went into a loop, high winds and turbulance slammed her against her instrument panel. Loopy was hurt and had to make an emergency landing.

Launchpad repeated his trick of putting a plow on a plane and plowed a landing field clear of snow, piling the snow at the far end of the field. Loopy landed on the clear field, but the winds and wet ground kept her from stopping in time. Didn't matter. The soft snow at the end of the field stopped her plane, safely.

Now, Launchpad sped for the Himalayan Mountains. Meanwhile, I was staying in the plane. I was in one of the cargo bays, blankets piled on top of me. I had made an emergency landing when a blizzard blinded me. It's NOT a crash if nobody gets hurt.

I had tried to radio for help, but I couldn't get thur the whiteout I was trapped in. All I could do was wait.

()()Even Launchpad can't get thur till this storm is over.()() I thought.

But I underestimated him. Again. Soon, I heard engines and looked up to see a familiar purple plane.

()()The Thunderquack? Why is he flying the Thunderquack?()() I wondered.

I soon found out. Launchpad just brought the Thunderquack down on it's belly like a sled.

"Hi, honey! Ever wonder WHY I made this baby look like a duck's bill? Now you know. I can land this baby on snow or ice without skis, on water without pontoons or on land by putting down the landing gear!" Launchpad said.

So I kissed him.

"How EXACTLY does anybody mistake you for a stupid man?" I asked.

"They like jumping to conclusions. I can't stop them. So I let them and take advantage of it." Launchpad replied.

"Can we get out of here?" I asked.

"Sure. We'll fly to the nearest city and stay there till this weather clears. No sense flying any further than necessary in this weather." Launchpad replied.

"Are we going to tow my plane?" I asked.

"In this weather? We'll come back for it later. It'll keep." Launchpad replied.

But then we were interrupted. A yeti popped up out of nowhere and growled when it first saw us. Then, it seemed to recognize Launchpad.

"It's Pitcher, that male yeti I matchmaked with Snowy!" Launchpad said. (2)

Pitcher tried to grab me, but I dodged easily. Pitcher was not only slow, he looked tired. Exhausted, even.

"Why did he try to grab you?" Launchpad asked.

"Where's his wife? Where's Snowy?" I asked.

Pitcher started to cry when he heard me say that.

"He understands us! Even if he can't talk!" I said.

"Did something happen to Snowy?" Launchpad asked him.

Pitcher beckoned us to follow him. He led us to the ice cave where he and Snowy lived. Pitcher pointed to two smaller yeti footprints leading out of the cave and held up 3 fingers.

"Snowy left 3 days ago and you've been searching for her ever since?" Launchpad asked.

Pitcher nodded.

"No wonder he's exhausted! And getting desperate!" Launchpad said.

"Launchpad...why are these footprints still here after 3 days? They're painted on! Snowy put makeshift paint on her feet... made the footprints leading outside on purpose!" I said.

"Why?" Launchpad asked.

"So Pitcher would look OUTSIDE for her. Which means she's still inside this cave, someplace. She must have washed off her feet and snuck back inside when Pitcher wasn't looking. She's hiding from Pitcher." I said.

"WHY?" Launchpad repeated.

"Maybe they had a fight and she's sulking? Just because they can't talk to us doesn't mean they can't talk to each other." I guessed.

"Pitcher...is there a part of these caves where Snowy goes that you don't? Where you can't go?" I asked.

Pitcher nodded and beckoned us to follow. He led us down the ice cave, down to a passageway Launchpad hadn't seen before. Pitcher led us past a underground river, part of which had been dammed off to form a lake, teaming with fish.

"A fish farm! The yetis must have built this so they have plenty of fish to eat!" Launchpad said.

"Just because they can't talk doesn't mean they're dumb." I replied.

The cave got a little bit smaller here.. Pitcher stopped and pointed ahead. Ahead were passageways too small for the larger Pitcher but still big enough for the somewhat smaller Snowy. I somehow gathered this was Snowy's "private place". We headed towards the passageways to search for Snowy.

"We'll be back! We'll do our best to find Snowy and bring her back!" Launchpad said.

"Which way should we go?" asked Launchpad.

"Let's follow the river. The yeti eat fish, so Snowy will want to stay near the river. It must take a lot of fish to feed a yeti." I said, pointing to the river that flowed over the dam and down one of the passageways.

"I'm not enough of a bottomless pit? But the dam stops the fish from going out of the lake. Let's follow the other branch of the river, the one that doesn't flow into the lake." Launchpad suggested.

"WHAT other branch of the river?" I asked.

Launchpad then showed me something I hadn't noticed: not all of the river flowed into the lake. Some was blocked off and flowed past the lake and down another passageway.

"The yeti must of done this so they could control the amount of water in the lake. So it wouldn't overflow too much, taking all the fish with it or bust the dam." I said.

"It was good thinking, Sharan, to follow the river." Launchpad said. "I wouldn't of thought of that if you hadn't suggested it."

"I would of followed the WRONG river!" I said.

"Launchpad...the yeti look like bears. WHITE bears. Polar bears. They even eat fish, like polar bears..." I began.

" What if, during the last ice age, some polar bears(3) wandered south. And most of them returned to the North when the ice age ended, but some stayed here. In the Himalayan Mountains. Where it's cold. In these ice caves where it's colder. They had found this underground river, with plenty of fish in it. They got bigger and a little smarter from having plenty of food, no predators...became yeti." I suggested.

"You think the yeti are polar bears? Were polar bears?" Launchpad asked.

"Just a theory." I replied.

We continued down the passageway for quite some time. Then, Launchpad stopped me and said:

"Sharan...please don't argue. Turn around NOW and walk back the way we came...nice and slowly."

He sounded scared silly, so I did as he asked. As soon as we were a safe distance away, he pointed down from a lookout point and showed me what he had seen. Snowy. And three newborn yeti cubs.

"Oh, boy. Thanks, Launchpad. You do NOT want to get anyplace near a momma animal and her young. Especially not newborns." I said."No wonder Snowy is hiding from Pitcher."

"Male bears sometimes kill their young." Launchpad replied.

"She couldn't be sure Pitcher wouldn't get jealous of all the love and attention she was giving their cubs." I agreed.

"What do we do NOW?" I asked.

"Go back and try to explain to Pitcher why Snowy is hiding! What else can we do?" Launchpad responded.

So we headed back...even if we were worried about what Pitcher would DO if we came back without Snowy.

Meanwhile, several things were happening at about the same time. The yeti cubs fell asleep. Snowy caught a whiff of something...she wasn't sure if she was imaging it or not. Snowy went to check it out. Seeing and hearing nothing, she headed to the river for a snack. THEN, the cubs woke up. Seeing Momma gone, they went to look for her. (4)

And elsewhere, Pitcher had gotten more and more worried about Snowy. Now knowing she had gone down the smaller passageways, did something he hadn't been desperate enough to try before: he got on all fours as low to the ground as he could and crawled thru the passageway. Being basically bipedal, this wasn't easy, but he could do it.

Now, Mr. McDuck had built a ski resort nearby. And he was constructing a new ski left very close to the cubs cave. Mr. McDuck didn't know about the cubs, Snowy didn't know about the ski lift. The cubs found the construction site where the ski lift was being built and the piles of wood and machines just sitting there as it was very early in the morning. And they did what any kid would do: they played with the "toys".

They ran up and down the wood pile. They slid down into the hole the workmen had dug and ran up out of it. They jumped up and around and in the construction equipment. Until they accidentally STARTED UP THE BULLDOZER! (5)They thought of jumping but it was going pretty fast and they were scared. Especially since I think they thought it was alive.

MEANWHILE, Snowy got back to her lair to find her cubs gone! And quickly followed their paw prints and their scent. Only to find her cubs being "cubknapped" by a rampaging monster that was going to fast for her to catch it. About this time Pitcher entered the scene. He saw Snowy chasing a monster that had in it's "maw" three cubs that looked just like HIM. And some how figured out who they were. Pitcher was in front of the "monster". So, thinking it was alive, he charged it, challenging it

We saw all this and Launchpad aimed with a lariat.

"Please let me not miss." he prayed.

And he roped the keys in the ignition and pulled them out, stopping the bulldozer.

"Let's get OUT of here before Snowy and Pitcher spot us! Nice toss, by the way!" I said.

"Actually, I was aiming for the "off" switch next to the keys, but that worked too." Launchpad admitted.

We ran until we got to the lookout point. Then we looked down and saw Snowy and Pitcher making kissy-face. Then we saw Snowy formally introducing the cubs to their Dad. And visa-versa.

We left the caverns to find the blizzard stopped. So Launchpad hooked my plane to the Thunderquack and towed it home. With me right next to him as co-pilot.

THE END

(1) Using surplus boar war planes for a tax break doesn't do you any good if you are IN a plane when it crashes. Knock it off already.

(2) "Matchmaker, matchmaker" by me.

(3) I DO hope that there were bears at the time of the last Ice Age.

(4) How should I know if 3 day old cubs can do that? PROVE 3 day old YETI cubs can't do that.

(5) Idea stolen from cover of Germany's Micky Maus Extrahefte # 1989-33