Summary: A character study revolving around Kirk's thoughts during and after the events that unfold in The Paradise Syndrome.
Spoilers: Major spoilers for the TOS Season 3 episode The Paradise Syndrome and some general TOS spoilers that have to do with character tendencies and relationships but nothing major on that front.
Excerpt: "But I... I can't even remember my name. I cannot help feeling that I shall never manage to capture that sense of belonging from where I now sit. For, unless the dreams and foggy tendrils of memory fade away from me, I shall always have this sense of something absent. I feel lost, drifting. I can only hope... that somehow... it will fade in time."
Author's Note: For many reasons this episode of TOS stuck with me for a looong time and broke my heart in so many ways. The way that we see Kirk so happy and content and so in love with Miramanee before having it all taken away by his real life and his duties and other things that were out of his control, just broke my heart and never really went away. Throughout the rest of the season I kept returning to this episode and the character points that it exposed. Kirk falls in love so easily, but I've never believed that it's because he's gullible, or a womanizer (though I'm not denying that he is one). I think it's because some part of him truly needs a woman and/or a family. This is my attempt at trying to scratch beneath the surface of these points of his character and explore the depth behind it all.
Where I Belong
It's... strange; not knowing who I am or where I come from. And yet... that in itself seems to be a contradiction. How can I know that it is strange if I have never known anything different? Have I? Some part of me, some hidden corner of my mind... my memories that I can't reach seems to say that the answer is yes. There is something else, something I'm missing, somewhere, someone. When I am alone, these thoughts plague and haunt me, and even more so in my dreams. I see faces. They seem familiar, or somehow I know that they should be familiar, but as soon as I wake their images fade away and I cannot recall them in full consciousness. But there is more than just the faces. There are feelings too, and some so strong that they manage to linger past the gap between the dream world and the real one: companionship, contentment, a sense of belonging. Companionship and contentment I can see myself having in this... new life. The people are kind and generous; the world around me is beautiful beyond measure; and already there is a happiness and contentment building inside of me despite all of these plaguing thoughts. I feel happy and peaceful and it seems to me that I have never felt this way before. But I... I can't even remember my name. I cannot help feeling that I shall never manage to capture that sense of belonging from where I now sit. For, unless the dreams and foggy tendrils of memory fade away from me, I shall always have this sense of something absent. I feel lost, drifting. I can only hope... that somehow... it will fade in time.
As time passes here, the conflict inside me grows stronger and yet weaker. The dreams come less often now, and the wisps of memory even less so. Unfortunately, one thing that hasn't lessened is my uneasiness about some life left behind or forgotten. This constant nagging sensation only seems to grow stronger with time, as if there's something I must return to, something or someone who needs me somewhere. I had thought... hoped that time would help me to remember, but it seems to be doing the opposite. And yet, I have grown to love this place, this world, these people. Despite the inner turmoil that these feelings cause me, I feel a peace that I am now certain I have never known before. Part of me wishes to forget about everything that I might have once known and simply enjoy the happiness and peace that I now have. But I don't think I can do that. My desire for knowledge is too great. And yet... there is another pull towards this place. The priestess, Miramanee. My thoughts turn as often to her as they do to these muddled reflections. She is beautiful, but it is more than that which draws me to her again and again. There is a nobility in her manner, and yet humility as well. She knows her place and is happy to fill it, and she does so with grace and competence. I admire her for these qualities much more than I do her beauty. She is also caring. Tending to my needs and wishes is part of her duties, as she has assured me, but that is not the sole reason she does so. I can tell. There is a soft compassion about her. Even though she does not understand the confusion my lack of memory causes me at times, she feels sorry for me and tries to help in any way that she can. Every day, I think of her more often, and every night, her place in my heart grows.
There is a hope in my heart now that I never dared to allow to take root. Tomorrow, Miramanee and I shall begin a life together, a life of happiness and love. I never dreamed that such a fulfillment of my deepest wishes could come true or event that my sentiments were returned by the very object of their affections. The fear that has haunted me since I awoke in the temple, the fear that I would never be able to find my place in the world, never be able to let go of the uncertainties that plagued me day and night; that fear has vanished just as quickly as the early morning mists, on hearing the words I heard today from Miramanee's mouth. I feel certain that I shall find true peace and happiness here, with her, and that whatever or wherever it is I came from is not important to my life now. I have found paradise... surely no man has ever attained such happiness.
I am happy. So very happy. Every day brings some new joy to my life, and every passing hour my love for Miramanee grows stronger. I am so happy that I cannot help but feel I do not deserve it. What could I have ever done to deserve such... perfection, such paradise, such happiness? The dreams that once plagued my mind are all but gone. I still cannot help but feel that my place is with the faces that I see in the dreams with the strange flying lodge, but that feeling along with the faces, are but a dim shadow compared to what I have in waking. Miramanee is not a shadow, a dim outline of a face. She is here, she is real, she is mine, and I love her so. The knowledge that I have I am using to improve the lodge. My mind bursts with ideas and possibilities for further expansion, growth and plenty. Every day I wonder how the next could possibly surpass it in joy, and every night I marvel at how it became so. Sometimes I laugh, and wonder if it is possible for a man to die of too much happiness! From where I stand, and what the future promises to hold, it seems to me that the idea just might be possible!
Captain's personal log, stardate 4905.3.
Ever since... I've haven't allowed myself to think about the events of this last week. But it isn't healthy or advisable for me to continue on in this way. In order to move past it, I must accept it and allow myself time to grieve. Or... at least that's what Bones tells me. But he's hardly ever wrong, though I'd never tell him that, when it comes to these things. Even Spock is worried about me, or whatever the Vulcan equivalent of worry is. Concerned, probably... Heck, I'm worried about me...
Miramanee... is dead. And along with her, our unborn child... When the villagers were stoning me, she tried to save me. She had such total faith in me, even then, when I was standing in front of the temple utterly helpless. She never lost the certainty that I would save them. Even... even as she was dying... She looked at me and spoke with such confidence that she would recover. And things would be as before. How I only wish... But wishing is useless now. There was nothing I could do. But maybe... if I could have remembered sooner... if I could have gotten into the templ- obelisk before...
I keep wishing that we could have saved her, that I could have saved her, but even if I had, what then? In a way, it was better that she died in peace, with her faith in me still intact. I don't think I could have born seeing her lose her faith in me, her love. Though... even now, I doubt that she ever would have. It seems more likely that she would have insisted on coming with me... Coming with me... Bearing my child with me on the Enterprise. I can't help but wonder, what that could have been like. Getting, one day, to show my son every nook and cranny of my beloved ship, or teaching my daughter how to navigate or operate the communications systems. And Miramanee... I have no doubt she would have adjusted to this life. But perhaps... I couldn't have. I've never before been able to balance having two women in my life. My first love has always been and always will be the Enterprise... and in the face of that, many relationships in my past have slipped through my weak grip. Perhaps... perhaps it was better... in the end. I can remember her, and us, for what we had. And what we had was certainly beautiful, for as long as it lasted.
But remembering also brings its own pain. How can a man go back to this kind of life after having experienced such... complete peace, such total happiness? Life as Captain of the Enterprise has its own joys and delights that I will simply never find anywhere else, and I'd never give them up. Not for anything. No... But all my life, I have always suffered with that other side of myself that wants, needs a woman's love, a woman's touch and attention. A family. Perhaps it is the curse of men who live their dreams to be forever barred from absolute happiness. I can't give up one for the other... but I can't have both, and I never will.
And yet... I go on. I continue to choose this life, this path. And I am blessed in so many other ways with what I do have. I have this... marvelous ship, the best crew in the fleet, and the greatest friends I could have ever imagined. I think Bones and Spock, in their own ways, fill that need within me for a family. God knows they're more than just friends to me. For a long time now, I've considered Spock to be a brother, and Bones... well Bones is more like the crazy uncle who rough-houses with you, but you know he loves you more than anything, just don't tell him that because he'll give you a good smack upside the head for attributing such sentimentality to him... I wonder what Miramanee would have made of him... He's certainly different from any medicine man she's ever known. And Spock... Something tells me that they would have gotten along very well. The same qualities that I admired in her would not have gone unnoticed by him, I have no doubt of that. Yes... she would have fit in very nicely in our little dysfunctional family. But I delude myself again... It never could have worked... At least not to the degree that she deserved.
I still love her... Perhaps, I never will completely stop loving her. I certainly won't ever forget her. That's not something you can just sweep under the rug and forget about, having married and spent two months of your life with a woman who was going to bear your child. But life... life goes on. This life. The one that I truly belong to. I do belong here. I always will. Here, with Bones nagging off my ear and Spock standing steady and firmly just slightly behind me and to my left. With Chekov and Sulu chattering down below me about some random fact or other, and Uhura humming softly from behind. With Scotty's animated burr and his constant doting on the ship that's as much his as mine. With my brilliant crew, who would follow me to hell and back if I gave the order. And with my ship... my ship. This is where I belong, and where I will always belong, no matter what else comes and goes in our continuing voyages through the final frontier.