THE NEW MAN
She could have had any one she wanted, and she chose him! Of all the men in Carolina, of all the cock's swinging, she goes for that snaggle, toothed, Gollum, look-a-like, Billy friken Thomson. I don't mean to be a bitch! But holy shit on an altar, someone got to shake some sense in to that girl's head.
Four days now she been going on and on bout him.
"He's the one Aunt B," she said, gasping for breath like she bout to take a god dam asthma fit. I fan her face with my magazine "I've never felt this way before. About anyone"
She collapse back on the sofa, eyes fluttering in there sockets and her face gone the colour purple like she be burning up with the fever
"And what bout whatchamacallhim?" I scratch the back of my head and press a hand to her temple "Dean?"
"David." She say's with a look of disgust like she just swallowed a poisonous spider. Her face crumples up just like a paper mache balloon and she gone look at me like I just walked straight into church and spat on Father Dowson's face.
"What about him?"
"Well you said he was the one too."
I don't think it possible for someone's eye balls to get that squint but she manages it.
"He's a lying cheating no good using ass-hole ," she spits out in one long breathless drone, slapping her hands across her knee's just to emphasise the point.
"Oh," my mouth hangs open like a dead fish I finger the side of my eye-ball, trying to dislodge a stray lash then change the subject quick.
"So did you hear about Jean? she gone won the lottery, she gone go tell the town until that was her husband don't come home. Turns out he ran off with the money left her and them kids."
"How sad," she said and dismissively swiped her hand as if to swat away a fly. "So Billy, you've met him right? Say's you seen him at the store yesterday and said high." She leaned forward, hands clasped together tightly as if in prayer "Tell me Aunt B what you think"?
Oh lord give me strength, don't ask me this question. What do I say to the poor girl? The so-called man of yo dreams looks like an in-bred son of a bitch who needs putting down? Or lie to her? Tell her he's the closest thing I've seen to Brad Pitt since my husband (who I would just like to add was a stud in his day…20 ok, ok maybe 30 year's ago, before he gone make best friends with Kentucky fried chicken and Mr Jack Daniels)
Her big eyes are staring at me and she gone look like she might cry. She remind me of a deer we had when I was a kid, same big sad eyes, that could make you do pretty much anything they wanted.
"He's…..he's a nice enough fella," I say and await her reaction.
She sits back a little, head cocked to one side then the other like she hear something only she can then she flings her arms and wraps them around me
"Oh I am so happy you approve, I've invited him over for dinner tomorrow."
"You what?"
"Is that a problem?" her smile is gone and those god-dam eyes are back, glistening in the light of the muted television.
I want to say "Yeah it's a problem I don't want that flee-bag in my house" but the words that come out are "No it's fine."
She hugs me again and all I got in my head now is that man's face that crooked smile and those beady eyes. I gut's feeling in my belly, like god gone and stuck my insides full spin in the washing machine.
Maybe this was my punishment for not going to church as often as I should. Or maybe Jesus and his Daddy are sitting up there now, laughing there asses off at the look on my face. I make a little prayer in my head
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I will fear no evil for thou art with me
Thy rod and thy staff comfort me
And a double barreled shot-gun gone wait for me
To use on any son of a bitch who gone
Mess with my family
I got's a little smile on my face as we turn back to watch Judge Judy. She don't notice it cause she too busy texting Billy telling him the good new's.
Oh I see how this is going. Well if she too stupid enough to see what kind of man he is then I guess I will have to show her myself.
Yeah, that's what I'll do.
Dinner tomorrow will be the perfect opportunity to get rid of this man once and for all.