Stargate SG1: Little Talks
Disclaimer: Stargate and all of its characters, locations, etc. belong to their respective owners; I'm just borrowing. No copyright infringement intended!
Author's Notes: This story was an absolute BEAST (it's also vaguely connected to the letter V in my Alphabet Soup). It started as a short fic, maybe 500 words to keep my brain busy while I lacked inspiration and because I wanted to write something about Cam. And then it turned into this raging, evloving THING that almost killed me. It took about a week to get down, and I've been editing it for most of the month...and it's time. It's not quite a happy story, but I don't think that it's really *depressing*, either. As the summary says, it's about growing up and moving on, for the new kids on the team. Hopefully, they're better for it.
Happy reading! (and happy Easter! It's still Sunday where I live *wink*.) And, as always, special thanks to IuvenesCor, who has been my sounding board/venting ear throughout this particular project. I think I might have actually gone insane without her help on this.
ovo
{August}
Vala moves in with Mitchell the week after Sam gets her command on the Hammond.
It is a surprise to everyone, Cam included. Yeah, they're friends, and he considers them closer than most; but in his mind she's always been Jackson's girl. He thought if she was planning to live with any of them, it would be...well, anyone but Cam himself. She and Teal'c have the bond of being aliens, she and Carter have their girl power thing going, and whatever her history with Jackson, he is still a more likely roommate than Cam. They're close, but more often than not he's still the odd man out.
She warns him when she brings up the idea of living with him, that it is a purely platonic request. "I know that when people find out, they're going to question my motives, and they might even question you boy scout reputation; but I promise that I won't secretly be trying to seduce you." She looks more serious than he thinks he's ever seen her before, and just a bit desperate. "I'll share the chores, the rent, the cooking, whatever you want if you'll let me stay."
As surprising as the request is, Cam is inclined to agree to it. Vala can be a pain, but she's good company, and he's started to like the idea of a roommate. "Be honest with me," he asks first, because he has to know. "Why me? Why not Daniel or Teal'c?"
"Teal'c won't live off-base," she reminds him breezily, flipping her pigtails behind her shoulders. She pauses for just a second then, and Cam sees something flicker through her eyes that he recognizes as self-defense. "And Daniel doesn't need me."
At first, Cam interprets this to mean that she thinks he needs her in some way; but when he looks closer, at the quiet desperation he recognized earlier, he realizes that it's the opposite. She needs someone to hold back her demons.
She needs someone, and she chose him.
It's the first time in a long time that Cam feels like a leader.
o
She moves in on a Thursday, and Teal'c and Jack help with the boxes because the General is in town and Jackson's away. O'Neill's eyes bug out a little when he lifts the first box. "Is there gonna be room in that little apartment of yours for all of this crap, Mitchell?"
"It's not crap!" Vala protests, at the same time as Cam says, "There's a big closet, Sir."
It takes them most of the day to haul all of her stuff up to the second floor of the two-family where Cam lives, and to set up her bed and dresser; luckily, she doesn't want help unpacking the rest. Instead, they order pizza with everything and drink cheap beer, and they sit out in Cam's backyard and talk long into the night.
Jack is too drunk by the end of it to drive home, so Mitchell gives up his bed to the General and crashes on the couch instead. Vala tries out her new room, and Teal'c watches over his friends as they sleep.
o
With Jackson off doing his thing and Sam's absence sorely missed, SG1 is given a two-week leave to get themselves together. Teal'c uses the time to visit his son. Cam helps Vala settle in.
The first thing she wants to do is paint her room, and it takes much convincing and a little bribery to talk her out of the idea of bubble-gum pink. She finally agrees to a pale blue that reminds the pilot in Cam of open skies, and he wonders what it makes her think of.
Their first weekend is spent painting, dripping bits of blue sky onto the carpet and in their hair and ruining Vala's designer shorts. She doesn't seem to mind. Decorating comes next, and Cam has nausea-inducing flashbacks of Jacek's apartment and his less-than-tasteful décor; but Vala's choices are simple and elegant and Cam is impressed (even if she does keep a fluffy orange giraffe on her pillow).
By the end of the first week they've settled into a routine, and there's only been one small kitchen fire that they agree never to speak of again (they don't bother to buy a new toaster). True to her word, Vala pays him rent and tidies the house, and all that time spent with Jackson must have taught her something because she brews a mean pot of coffee. Cam still does most of the cooking. He's not much better than she is, though, and they end up eating a lot of takeout.
By the middle of week two, their relationship is almost what you'd call domestic, but not in a bad way. Cam thinks he can maybe get used to this life, and is this what it's like to be married? But he doesn't think that he wants to be married right now. He buries that entire train of thought away where it can't be touched.
Vala gets it out of him when he's drunk one night, anyways. She laughs and pats his cheek. "Dear Cameron," she chuckles, and reaches to steal his beer.
o
When SG1 sets out on their first mission without Sam, they're still short Daniel because he's extended his research time wherever he is. No one is entirely comfortable with Cam's decision to keep the team at three for the moment, but Teal'c and Vala support him and General Landry concedes that with the threat of the Ori eliminated, they should be safe enough without the fourth.
The mission goes badly. The way they handle it is less so. They're not perfect, of course – Dr. Lam chews them out soundly for their various scrapes and bruises – but living together has given Cam and Vala the sense of fluidity that they observed so often with the original members of the team. Teal'c falls into their rhythm as he has always done, and they escape bruised but alive.
Landry commends them on their teamwork, but insists that they take an interim team member until Dr. Jackson's return.
{September}
Daniel's return a month later causes a subtle but definite shift in the team dynamic. Cam has never noticed until now, but it's so blindingly obvious that he wonders how he missed it before.
Vala changes. Since Sam's departure, his other female teammate has begun to set the tone of the team, and with Jackson's return her energy changes. It's little things, the attitude of a moment or the freeness of a thought spoken out. She withdraws minutely. Cam watches as her walls go back up and her inhibitions go down, all but throwing herself at Daniel and retreating back into the brash woman that she's worked so hard to be free of. The ease of communication lessens, and she makes mistakes in the field. She and Jackson argue more, and that smile Cam has become accustomed to fades.
One night, she doesn't come home.
Cam doesn't mean to, but he panics. He remembers too well what happened with Athena and the Trust, and he'll be damned if he lets that happen to her again.
When he can't reach her on her new phone (she leaves it in her room), he calls Bill Lee and demands in a slightly less than rational way that the scientist scan the planet for her. It takes an agonizingly long time, but eventually she is located at a cheap motel ten minutes from the house.
Cam is out the door before Bill has finished the address.
He finds her in "room 12", with some big blond guy with the brains of a doorknob. She's drunk, and she's putting on her best seduction act, and the way the guy leers says that he's buying every second. Cam doesn't think twice before clocking him unconscious.
Vala is angry. "Do you know how long it took me to get drunk enough to do this?" she demands. Cam doesn't know, but he recalls that he's never actually seen her drunk until tonight. "I wanted this!"
"Tell me that when you're sober," he says shortly, feeling a stab of disappointment that she would stoop this low (that he didn't see it coming).
It's the work of a few minutes for him to move the guy to the bed and leave the room-key on the table; with any luck, he'll wake up thinking he got laid and dreamed the getting punched out bit. It's another matter entirely getting Vala to the car without being seen. But Cam manages it, and they make the ride home in silence other than the country station Vala flips on.
When the get back to the house she's mostly steady again, and she locks herself in the bathroom and cranks on the shower. Cam makes himself busy; he informs Bill that Vala's okay and brews the tea that she likes, and wonders what prompted her behavior. (He knows most people still think that's just what she's like, but Cam knows her better than that; she would never really use sex unless she was desperate.)
When she finally emerges, she's wearing the paint-splattered shorts and one of Cam's button-downs that's way too big for her. Her wet hair is braided loosely over her shoulder, making a damp spot on the fabric that Cam could care less about. She looks almost normal as she accepts a mug from him.
He lets the silence stretch between them, broken by the creak of Cam's chair and the tick of a Cessna-themed clock and Vala's soft breaths as she blows across the top of the mug. He watches her casually and holds his tongue. He's learned in the past two months that it pays to wait her out.
Cam's patience is rewarded when she sighs and glances up at him. "I did want it," she says softly.
Her eyes cut away again, and Cam processes this for a second. There's a part of him that wants to blow up at her for being so stupid, for settling on some drunk moron with greedy eyes and rough hands when she's so much better than that, for running off and scaring the hell out of him; but he knows better. That's been Jackson's approach, and it's never gotten him anywhere (besides, she's a grown woman). He sucks in a deep breath to clear his head, and he lets it out with the only question he has left. "Why?"
She shrugs uneasily and avoids his eyes, sipping her tea to keep her mouth busy. They play the patience game again. "I really can't get drunk, you know," she says after a while, the abrupt topic switch throwing Cam for a beat. He gives a curious grunt, encouraging her to continue. "Something to do with Qetesh and the way she altered my body chemistry; I process the alcohol too quickly for it to do more than give me a buzz for a minute." She waves a vague hand in the air. "Can't get drunk."
This is something that Cam has never considered before, and he feels a rush of sympathy remembering his long, alcohol-free road to recovery after the crash. "That sucks," he offers, feeling lame but guessing that she isn't after his pity.
"Yes, it does." Vala takes another sip of her tea, and they lapse into silence again. It's easier this time.
Cam wants a beer but pulls out the ice cream instead, aware that he's been trusted with something fairly precious (since subjects like Qetesh and Adria are generally off-limits). Forgoing bowls, Cam grabs two spoons and hands her one, and they both dip into the carton. This time he's the one who breaks the silence. "Why that pig?" he asks carefully, in a tone that he hopes lets her know he's not demanding anything.
It takes her so long to answer that he almost thinks she's not going to. When she finally does, her voice is so soft that he almost thinks he's misheard. She repeats herself. "It's all I'm worth."
Anger floods Cam's senses, and for a minute he freezes, spoon dripping ice cream on his jeans. How can she think that? Is that really how she sees herself? Doesn't she know how much she means to us? And then, How often do we tell her how important she is? Guild stabs like a cruel blade, and he runs the time she's been living with him back through his head. Have you ever even told her you like having her here?
Apparently it takes too long for him to respond, because she drops her spoon into the ice cream and pushes it away. "You could at least give me a token lie, you know," she sniffs.
Cam grabs her wrist when she tries to get up, forces her to meet his eyes. "Do you really think you're worthless?" he asks, his voice soft and tentative because he's still trying to make sense of it himself, to work that out with the carefree mask she's been wearing convincingly ever since he's known her. The two don't reconcile neatly in his head.
Vala gives a bitter laugh. It sounds wrong tearing out of her throat. "I've not been given much evidence otherwise, have I? Besides, Teal'c has his family, Sam has the Hammond, you're basically perfect, and Daniel is too deeply in love with his artifacts and histories to see what's right in front of him..." She shakes her head, blinking back the tears that are shining in her eyes. "He doesn't want me," she whispers. "All this time I've worked hard and tried to be good, to belong here, and when he looks at me it's still not enough. I am not enough." She drops her head and focuses on her hands, tangled in her lap.
Cam doesn't have the words, doesn't know what to say to make this better because he knows on some level, she's right. She's not worthless – he makes a mental note not to remind her of this regularly from now on – but Jackson is beyond oblivious when it comes to her. He's a good man, and somewhere deep down he does care; but he's married to his work because it's safer than relationships. Everything else has become second to his work.
It's not fair to anyone. Cam isn't particularly concerned for himself, but he's angry on Vala's behalf because he sees now how vulnerable she is. He doesn't know whether he would approve of a real relationship between her and Jackson or not, but looking back he can see the man has treated her wrong (they all have, but he'll be lying if he says that he thinks most of the blame shouldn't rest on Jackson's shoulders). It makes him more angry that he's never noticed it until now.
Wrapping his arms around Vala's shoulders, he pulls her close and rests his chin on her hair. She leans into him, and he can feel her shaking against his chest. "You're not worthless," he tells her, with sincerity that makes his voice wobble. "You are so, so important. I would be lost without you." He's always known it, but he's never realized how much he means it until today. She helped him get his team back together, and now it isn't complete without her. They need her.
o
They don't go into work the next morning. Cam takes care of informing the General (he's never asked for a day off in his life, so Landry gives it to them with a simple "please don't threaten Bill next time"), and they have coffee and cold cereal for breakfast and call it a "mental wellness day". He takes her shopping, and she buys him lunch. Cam laughs when she insists dressing up for dinner, but she wears him down until he agrees. They eat at Sol's Diner in clothes just shy of formal wear, and go to a bar and shoot pool past midnight.
Cam isn't surprised when she kicks his butt.
The next day they're back at Stargate Command, with no more than a cursory "we missed you guys". Cam throws Vala a quiet smile and gets back to work. He's all for his team, but he realizes that he didn't miss them yesterday like he normally would. From the look in her eyes, she understands.
Life goes on.
o
The next time they're in the field, Cam sides with Vala over Jackson. It's not unheard of, but it's rare enough for him to argue with Daniel's advice that it comes as a surprise. He ignores Daniel's irritation and Teal'c's raised eyebrow and Vala's surprise, and stands firm in his decision. He fully expects either Daniel or Teal'c to pull seniority on them and take over. But in the end they merely shrug and follow his lead.
Cam holds his head a little higher after this mission.
{October}
The team dynamic changes again. Daniel and Teal'c begin more and more to trust in Cam's leadership, and he becomes more confident in it. He sees for the first time how heavily he really has been relying on their approval, or on Sam's, in all of his decisions. It's funny now that he's no longer reaching, that he has it.
He and Vala talk about it once, over late night beer. They haven't had a serious talk since the night that she didn't come home, but Cam is feeling warm and full and just a little buzzed, and the words come more easily than they normally would. "Do you know I used to lose sleep over whether or not they'd agree with anything that I decided? I felt like a kid trying to please my strict parents." He chuckles and shakes his head. "I know that's probably not how they saw it, but I was the new guy, you know? I felt like I had to earn the right to be the one in charge."
"Didn't you almost die for them before you got the job?"
"Well, yeah I guess. But that wasn't really the same thing as watching their backs in the field, y'know? But now I'm not looking anymore, just sorta doing my thing the best I can, and all of a sudden I've got the approval and trust and all of that...It's weird. I mean, it's great, don't get me wrong; but I don't need it anymore."
Vala raises her beer, and twists her lips in a fond smirk. "To earning the respect we've always deserved."
It's not quite what Cam was talking about, but he can appreciate the sentiment. "I'll drink to that," he declares, toasting her. "And to our many successes as the underdogs."
"When have we ever been beneath canines? We don't even have a dog –"
"It's an expression, Vala, don't over-think it. Just drink your beer."
"Cheers, then."
"Cheers."
It doesn't come up again, but that weekend Cam brings home a dog from the pound. Vala names him Jackson, and they have too much fun teaching teaching him commands. "At least we have one Jackson who will listen," Cam jokes, knocking her with his elbow.
Vala flashes that brilliant grin at him. "Our underdog."
He doesn't correct her this time.
{November}
The team spends Thanksgiving with the Mitchell family. Cam's parents are more than happy to have them, and Vala convinces Daniel and Teal'c that Mama Mitchell's pie is a necessity in life. They all manage to book the same flight out to Kansas. Teal'c drives the rental car.
Cam is initially concerned that things will be awkward; he still hasn't quite straightened out his mother's image of Vala as a potential wife for him (Vala thinks it's hilarious), and Jackson has not been in a good mood recently. But his worries are soothed when Vala doesn't mention sex and the pie and his mother's coffee keep Daniel on his best behavior. Teal'c is very quiet, but he seems fascinated by the human interactions and holiday preparations. Cam imagines that holidays were very different when Jack was running things.
They spend a week at the farm, shooting at cans in the East field and trying to help his mother bake pies (this doesn't last long). After Thanksgiving dinner, they watch football with Cam's dad. True to form, they make ridiculous bets on the game. Cam's mother insists that they don't bet with actual money, but they set the prices at various baked goods, and Mrs. Mitchell sides with her husband and Vala. Cam switches sides halfway through to support his father (nothing at all to do with the game's rapidly changing dynamics). Daniel and Teal'c are disappointed when they lose, but everyone is glad that Cam sold out when he did. Charred macaroons are not really to his parents taste, either.
{December}
Things are slow at the SGC when they get back. Holidays have whittled the base personnel down to a skeleton crew, and with no new threats exploration once again becomes a primary objective. The team still runs into the usual run-of-the-mill bad guys occasionally, and the Lucian Alliance is still actively searching for them, but overall they're safer than any configuration of SG1 has been since the creation of the Stargate Program. Cam finds it odd leading his team when they aren't running into firefights every other day, but he has to admit that the exploration is nearly as interesting, if not quite as exciting. And it's not as hard on his back.
At home, Vala insists that they start decorating for Christmas as soon as they return from Thanksgiving. She fills the apartment with strings of lights and a real tree that they can't keep the dog from chewing on. Cam knows he's going to want to burn the electric bill when he sees it. But Vala bakes chocolate chip cookies, and they're good enough that he forgives her.
o
Four days before Christmas, Vala gets kidnapped.
It's supposed to be a simple, safe mission. But they've gotten just comfortable enough with the new brand of non-danger that the galaxy seems to have given them that they don't see the trap until its too late. They fight (of course they fight), but in the end she gets grabbed anyways by a couple of thugs who are much smarter and more well-equipped than your garden-variety galactic villains.
They're beaten soundly. It shakes Cam up though, enough that he lets Daniel take point when they radio Landry to explain the situation while he tries to collect himself. It seems to be no accident that as soon as his team starts trusting him to actually be in charge and lead them and accept his decisions, he screws up royally. It's a rookie mistake, getting cocky and letting one of his teammates get captured practically without a struggle. And she's not just any teammate; it's Vala.
If Cam is the head of the team, she's the heart. He has this sudden irrational fear that they're going to fall apart without her. His own leadership seems insignificant by comparison (when did she become so important?).
They find her a week later, in spite of the IOA trying to keep them out of the field (they've never had to lobby harder for anyone, bringing to attention all of the important and useful bits of technology she's helped them acquire that the bureaucrats are so fond of and even pulling the "she saved the galaxy on her own" card when they display short memories). She's bruised and broken, but alive. It's better than they leave her captors (and if it wasn't strictly necessary for them to fight their way in and out, Cam isn't about to quibble over that detail in his mission report).
It's about four days before she wakes up. Cam, Teal'c, and Daniel spend four tense days in the infirmary, waiting
They spend the time in quiet, or telling odd little stories about nothing and taking shifts sleeping so that someone is always watching over her. They're very careful not to speak of the week she was missing or the damage Dr. Lam's examinations turn up. The implications don't bear thinking about. There's only one moment where Teal'c turns to Cam with a serious look in his eyes. "You have handled yourself well, Colonel Mitchell," he rumbles. "Without your leadership and determination we would most certainly have failed to recover Vala Mal Doran."
"Wouldn't have lost her without me, either. I'm starting to think that maybe I'm not cut out for this whole leadership gig, after all."
"On the contrary, the attack would have occurred regardless of your involvement; but it is thanks to you that she is saved."
It doesn't feel much like success yet; but Teal'c's support is more than he deserves, and as much of a comfort as Cam is likely to get.
When Vala wakes up in the wee hours on New Years Eve, the first words out of her mouth are "Did I miss Christmas?"
They all laugh. Cam is about ready to cry from relief, but instead he pats her bruised hand and smiles. "You were a little late for the party, Princess; but we'll make a day of it."
{January}
New Years comes and goes. Sam gets in around noon, and she spends the day in the infirmary apologizing for not being there to help and letting Vala catch her up on all the latest base gossip. Jack rolls in around eight to take his old team out to celebrate ("and I guess the new kids can come, too."). When their attempts to bust Vala out of the infirmary for the night are thwarted, Cam volunteers to stay with her and let the veterans catch up; he raids the commissary for jello and cake, and they watch the ball drop on a borrowed laptop. Vala has researched enough about the holiday to try to kiss him at midnight. He puts up a token protest, but in the end he lets her have her way; it reassures him that she hasn't been hurt in ways that can't be healed.
It's the best holiday he's had in years.
o
Two weeks later comes Vala's official release from the infirmary (she's been complaining since her third day that she can recover just as well at the apartment), and the little welcome home party that Sam and Cam organize turns into an impromptu "Christmas in January" thing. Jack extends his visit to be involved. Cam is pretty sure his neighbors downstairs are going to hate them because of the noise. The thought doesn't upset him terribly, however.
Daniel's indignation when he learns that the dog's name is Jackson is nothing short of poetry.
o
Far too soon, life goes back to what is considered normal in their world. Jack returns to Washington, Sam to the Hammond, and the team to duty. Cam steps back, just a little; and if he's being a bit paranoid by never taking his hands off his weapon offworld, he's not too concerned. They're all a little on edge after what happened. He notices that Teal'c is also more cautious with his weapons, and Vala isn't sleeping well (he knows the General has her in therapy that she won't talk about), and even Daniel is more alert and wary of his surroundings.
One wouldn't think that SG1 needed a reminder of their own mortality, but they've gotten one and it's still stinging deep. Cam hates that feeling. But he hangs on to it now, because it's his duty to protect his team. If he's ever going to get the hang of this leadership thing, he's going to have to learn how to do that.
Vala tells him he's over-thinking it.
"You made one mistake, Cameron, and you fixed it. I've built my life with mistakes and horrors and I turned out alright." She gives his shoulder a friendly knock. "Besides, all mistakes can be used to your advantage; you just have to find the right angle."
He looks up at her, and her eyes are sparkling with mischief. Once upon a time, it would have grated to no end; now he laughed. "Have I ever told you how much I like having you around?"
"You have, but I'm always up to hear it again."
"Maybe you should lead SG1 if you want the compliments."
"Ah-ah! You are not weaseling out of your command that easily. I went to a lot of trouble to get you this job."
"Like strapping Jackson with that bracelet thing so that you could go treasure-hunting?"
"It was a flawless first stage, wasn't it? I got you your team together in short order."
" Because I'm sure that was your exact plan going in."
"Oh, shut up."
{February}
Jackson's next scholarly jaunt coincides with the week of Valentines Day. The effect this has on Vala is not lost on her roommate. To make up for the archaeologist's untimely disappearance (avoidance?), Cam buys her roses and chocolate and a good bottle of Chardonnay. She appreciates the sentiment, and suggests with a grin that they watch Die Hard. They fall asleep on the couch with the dog stretched across their laps.
It's one of the stranger Valentines Days Cam has experienced.
{March}
Cam is unprepared for the repercussions of Atlantis coming to Earth. Sure, it's great, and it gives the politicians something more urgent to argue about than program budget cuts; but the unexpected arrival shoots his team's hard-won equilibrium to hell.
Jackson is in love. Atlantis has always been his dream, and as much as Cam would rather use it as incentive to keep him focused, even he can't be that cruel. He doesn't protest when Daniel chooses to reside in the city for a while to study. But he does insist that they see him at least once a week, for missions or team nights. Daniel gives in too easily, and Atlantis is all that anyone hears about from him for a long time.
Because of the problems with running two gates on the same planet (Cam doesn't completely get the science, but he's sure Carter could write a book on it), the Earth gate becomes everyone's primary. For a while the base is over-run with Atlantis personnel, still eager to do their thing back in their home galaxy. It's a longing that Cam can understand, but it's chaotic, and sometimes he wishes he could just bang his head into the nearest wall.
"It is only temporary," Teal'c assures him when they're out for drinks one night, just to be somewhere not crawling with a bunch of misplaced scientists and Marines still looking for their footing.
"I wish it wasn't," Daniel, sighs, completely oblivious. But he's the one who gets to invade Atlantis.
Vala sips a colorful drink and considers Cam thoughtfully. "If you're going to start running into walls, can you at least warn me so that I can find a camera?"
Cam shouldn't laugh as hard as he does.
{May}
When Sam and the Hammond crew discover an uninhabited planet with a good-sized ocean for Atlantis to relocate, Cam thinks he might kiss her next time she's home. He likes the Atlantis crew (he thinks he might adopt Sheppard as a brother), but he hasn't been able to relax with so many of them competing for time with the Earth teams. It's a relief when he finally has the SGC to himself again. He almost weeps with joy when Daniel returns to Earth to stick with his team.
o
When the Lucian Alliance begins to regroup into a major threat, SG1 is back on the forefront of the action. Here, once again, Cam feels able to take ownership of his team. He might not have fought the Goa'uld or the Replicators for ten years of his military life, but he had been part of the initial struggle with the Alliance. It's familiar ground. Between his working knowledge and Vala's list of players in the game (surprisingly accurate even after years), they are quite a formidable team.
He can't help but be a little smug when he thinks that they're ahead of SG3 or SG12.
{June}
Daniel and Vala's cool attitudes towards each other become a source of some concern for Cam. While he's still not sure how he'd feel if Vala ever got what she wanted with the archaeologist, he knows that this distance between them is a problem. There was a time when they had been closer than anyone else on the team. The fact that they're now barely speaking anymore is troubling.
Vala comes home one night (it still scares Cam that she has a license) crying, or as close to it as Cam's seen her in months. He looks up when she enters the house, and the looks she gives him breaks his heart.
"Cameron," her voice trembles over his name, "I want to get drunk again."
They've lived together long enough that he can hear the unspoken plea in her tone. Don't let me do something stupid.
Cam grabs his wallet, his keys, and the dog, and herds her out the door. "We'll take my truck."
They stop at a convenience store where Cam purchases two cartons of ice cream and some treats for the dog. Then, he keeps driving until they hit the open road.
Out in the middle of nowhere where there's nothing but empty land and starry sky, the two of them sit on the hood of the pickup. Jackson runs around, exploring the new space within sight of the truck. Cam hands Vala a small carton of ice cream and a plastic spoon. She takes them without comment.
"You wanna talk about about it?"
Vala shakes her head, loose hair falling in her face. "Not really," she sighs.
Cam knows when it's a bad idea to push her. He shrugs instead. "Okay." He dips into his ice cream and watches her out of the corner of his eye. She watches the dog, not really seeming to see anything. The wind stirs her hair. She looks tragic, and beautiful.
It scares the hell out of Cam when his body moves of its own accord to kiss her.
She tastes like chocolate and starlight and tears, and he's in shock and can't pull away. She does, turning away without kissing him back. "Cameron..."
"No, I know..." He shakes his head, trying to clear it. Get some space between them. What the hell is he thinking? "You're right, I don't know why I did that."
Another day she might have had a witty response for him, clever and sharp and slightly naughty. Tonight she sighs, and she sounds bone-dead tired. "For what it's worth, it felt good," she offers after a minute, a shaky smile on her lips.
Cam hopes his grin is stronger, but he doubts it. "But not right?" he guesses. One shoulder lifts in a shrug. It's the closest to agreement that he's going to get from her. "Yeah, same here."
They're quiet for a long time.
"Can I give you some advice?" he asks eventually. She raises an eyebrow. Cam takes a deep breath, aware that what he's about to say isn't what she wants to hear. "Don't try so hard. What you are is amazing and beautiful; you don't need to make yourself into someone else for him." He shifts so that their knees are touching; but this time it's friendly instead of intimate, and it feels perfect (this is right). "If you can make it work, then great. But if what you are right now isn't enough for him, then he's not worth it."
Vala doesn't answer, but Cam doesn't really expect anything else tonight. She leans her head on his shoulder and they sit like that until it gets too cold for them to stay.
She falls asleep on the long ride home.
{July}
It's amazing what being kidnapped together can do for a team's dynamic. Cam is never quite sure how their simple diplomatic mission turns into an Alliance ambush, but he's certain that this one isn't his fault (a fact that he takes the opportunity to point out to the others as their hands are chained above their heads). This is acknowledged by grumbles and muttering and a dirty look from Daniel.
Teal'c is surprisingly optimistic. "Is it not fortunate that we have been imprisoned in a single room and not spread throughout the facility?" They aren't really sure where they are at the moment; base, ship. A quick glance around the cell affirms Teal'c's choice of wording.
"Yeah, just peachy," Daniel mutters, tugging at his bindings. They (unsurprisingly) hold.
"Aw, come on now, Jackson," Cam drawls, putting an extra emphasis on his accent to distract his friend from sulking. "Lucian prison facilities are fun!" He winks. "You've just got to be more open-minded."
"I know the symbols on these walls," Daniel responds dryly. "I was imprisoned on this exact same ship when the Goa'uld were still in power.
Vala crows victoriously from her corner. "I knew it was a ship!"
"Really? That's what you take away from that statement?"
"Cameron and I have an ongoing bet about all the ways that we might get captured. I have ships on my list; isn't that right, love?"
Cam makes a face. "I thought we agreed to forget about that bet."
"And I've seen the tally that you keep in your locker. Honestly, you must expect this from me by now."
"Damn, now I've gotta move that list."
"Your sock drawer is a horrible place to keep cash, you know."
"Vala!"
"What were you doing in his sock drawer?"
"Well, I thought he'd be upset if I went through his underwear."
"Vala!"
"I believe that we were captured by ambush," Teal'c points out thoughtfully. "We are merely imprisoned on this ship."
"Ha! Lucian ambush is on my list. Point for me!"
"That's cheating!"
The argument continues for the duration of their imprisonment and escape, and it's useful in that they distract themselves from the threat of impending doom (this is old hat for them, anyways), with the added bonus of utterly confusing the Alliance men unlucky enough to have grabbed them. They even manage to get Daniel and Teal'c in on the action, spinning up crazy kidnapping and escape stories to one-up each other. In spite of the part where they get imprisoned, it's one of the smoothest missions they've pulled in a year. Cam feels a swell of pride for his team.
They're three days late in getting home, but they're out of the infirmary and the briefing room in time for dinner. The cafeteria is stocked with jello and pie.
o
Daniel sits down across from Cam at lunch one day, looking altogether too thoughtful for someone who has had the stars of Atlantis in his eyes for the past four months. It's not an unwelcome change, but Cam wonders if he should be worrying about the emergence of another race of power-hungry aliens in the near future. He regards Jackson cautiously. He's unprepared, however, for the words that come out of his friend's mouth.
"How do you think she'd react if I asked her out?"
Cam almost chokes on his drink. "Vala?" he hazards, half sure that his ears are playing tricks on him because honestly, Jackson pays more attention to dead languages than he does to women. But Daniel is nodding an affirmative, and still has that bizarrely thoughtful look on his face.
"Yeah. She's been...different lately. It's weird, but not in a bad way. Haven't you noticed?"
Personally, Cam knows that she's been different since the night that she tried to get drunk last year; but his friend always has been slow on the uptake. And Vala has been more upbeat since the whole escape from the Alliance thing. Less needy towards Daniel, which is probably what he's been noticing. "I think you're about four years late on the whole 'would she be interested' thing if you're just now noticing," he says bluntly, only half teasing. "You might want to hurry it up if you're serious; she and Sheppard were pretty friendly last time he was on Earth."
{August}
Daniel takes Vala out one night. Cam honestly doesn't expect her to come home except to move her stuff over to his place; but she's back at the house before midnight. There's disappointment scrawled across her pretty features, but she also seems lighter, like she's breathing right for the first time.
Cam knows, but doesn't ask. Vala tells him anyways.
"I'm not enough," she says simply with a one-shouldered shrug. "And it's not worth the effort."
"I'm sorry."
She gives this funny little half-smile, and it's regret and determination and closure. She's grown up. "Not as sorry as he's going to be."
o
Daniel announces the next day that he's going to Atlantis, indefinitely. (Cam finds out later that he'd asked Vala to come to the City with him and leave them all behind, but she wasn't willing to give them up. It moves him.) While disappointed, no one is particularly surprised; they all knew it would happen one day. Without the threat of the Goa'uld or the Replicators or the Ori to hold him, the lure of the Ancients is strong and he's giving in. In spite of this, he has the courtesy to sit with Cam through all of the screenings for a new team member before he leaves.
"You're growing out of our shadows, anyways," he tells Cam with a crooked grin. "You don't need me anymore."
Cam's not so sure of that, but he thinks that the challenge might be good for him. And Atlantis will be good for Daniel (it had better be).
They hold his farewell party at General O'Neill's cabin. Jack flies out for the occasion even though he's pissed, and Sam is back on leave from the Hammond , so it's quite the night. Nobody is happy, but they do their best to make it a warm sending-off. Even if Jack does try to forbid him from leaving until Landry reminds him that his friend is a civilian and he can't actually order him to stay.
They all see him through the gate the next morning as well, but the moment is formal and awkward and no one really wants to be there to see him go.
It feels like a cross between surrender and growing up.
o
Teal'c and Vala stay on after Daniel leaves, and they take to the newest member of SG1; one Lt. Benjamin Ryan, a veteran of the Odyssey. The young man looks up to Cam with the kind of awe and wonder that the Colonel once looked at his team with, and he thinks that maybe he's getting the hang of this leadership thing after all. Trying to start his own band is much more rewarding this time around.
Vala takes over some of Jackson's duties on the base. As part of her re-worked contract Landry gifts her with a cargo ship, so that she's not bound to the planet if she doesn't want to be. Cam thinks that the freedom makes her more willing to stay. She's never gone for more than two weeks at a time, and usually then to visit Sheppard. Occasionally she crosses paths with Daniel, but it's friends and colleagues now instead of almost lovers and they're better that way. Vala says that she has no regrets.
And Cam? He has the best job in the world, and a team he's willing to die for (he nearly has); and every night he comes home to his best friend who has become his little sister, and a dog named Jackson who steals his shoes.
It's not perfect, but he's seen a lot in his life and Cam thinks it's pretty close.
end.