TITLE: Dating Colonel Franklin Clay
FANDOM: The Losers
DISCLAIMER: Diggle and Jock - DC/Dark Castle and Warner Bros all the way. Pre-comic/movie.
RATING: R (pottymouth warning)
SUMMARY: Emergency crews, raging fire, property damage and four meddling yentas in BDU's. It's just another typical ending to a Frank Clay romance.
Dating Colonel Franklin Clay
Sirens were blaring and lights were flashing. Chaos ran rampant through the night.
The police were everywhere; trying to hold back looky-loos and reporters, take witness statements and of course, arresting Clay's latest crazy bitch. Clay himself was in the hands of the EMT's getting a bunch of shiny new stiches.
Firefighters wrestled a high-power water hose as they battled flames pouring out of the sewer grates. No one is sure how that crazy bitch managed to set the goddamned sewers on fire, but she isn't a chemical engineer for nothing.
A tow truck was loading up the battered wreck that was Clay's car, having already pulled it back out of the shattered remains of a store front window. Mannequin parts and ruined clothes littered the ground like some macabre battle recreation.
The crazy bitch was wearing a torn silk shirt that showed off her lacy black bra, a soot stained leather mini skirt and high heels. Her once elaborate hairdo was a snarled mess around her head and she was shrieking and kicking as she was dragged away by the police.
"Frank! FRANK! If I can't have you, NO ONE will! Do you hear me, Frank? FRANK!"
Pooch, Jensen, and Cougar watched from the sidelines in mildly stunned amusement while Roque snarled under his breath. After several minutes, Roque finally ran out of curse words and announced, "Okay. This is it! I've had it with Clay's crazy ass bitches and all of their stupid crazy ass stunts. From now on, he can't date anyone until we've vetted them."
Jensen nodded in easy agreement. "I'd be happy to run background checks."
Roque turned his head to glare at Jensen as if assessing his skills or sincerity. "I don't know if that'd be enough."
Jensen pouted at him, but Pooch was nodding. "Hey, maybe if we introduced him to some girls we knew were okay?"
Roque, Cougar, and Jensen considered that for a moment and nodded.
"Yeah…okay, how about Sergeant Wilma Kembrook?" Roque asked.
Jensen grinned widely, "You mean the hot blonde with the…" he cupped his hands in front of his chest to indicate big breasts.
Roque leered back, "Yeah. Her."
"No."
Three heads turned to look at Cougar questioningly.
"She works in EOD. Access to explosives is something to avoid in one of Clay's dates."
They all considered the fact that a woman who could disarm IED's could most likely build them. No one wanted to see Clay blown up into itty bitty chunks.
"Right. Forget Kembrook." Roque conceded.
"Corporal Shannon Gilbert?" was Jensen's suggestion.
"She's a K9 trainer for the MP's man," explained Pooch. "The Pooch don't wanna see Clay getting eaten alive by German Shepherds. What about Colonel Hollis Mann?"
Roque snorted. "No way, man. She's CID."
Cougar chuckled and nodded at Roque. "That would end in bloodshed…or possibly our arrest."
"Cougar's got a point." Jensen shrugged. "I don't want to be Court Marshaled because Clay was being a bad boyfriend."
They all frowned at that thought. It was stupid to think that could actually happen, but they were the Loser's for a reason. Stupid shit happened to them all the time.
"Maybe we should pick someone non Military?"
They all nodded, but the suggestions dried up. Any women they knew well were military. Civilians…not so much. Mostly they were just waitresses and one-night-stands to the Losers, not people to get close to.
Roque snapped his fingers and grinned wildly. "I got it!"
The other three looked up at him curiously as he chuckled lightly with wicked glee.
"We'll hook Clay up with Jensen's sister! She's sane."
Pooch was nodding his head in agreement even as Cougar bit his lip to keep from laughing. Jensen, on the other hand, just goggled at the man with undisguised horror.
"Of course my sister's sane! And I wanna keep her that way! That means no dating Colonel Franklin 'Crazy Cock of Doom' Clay!"
Pooch looked at Jensen as if he was stupid…or perhaps crazy himself. "Wha'chu talking about JJ?"
Jensen rolled his eyes and waved his hands in the air. "Don't you get it?! Clay meets a perfectly sane woman, dates her, sweet talks his way into her bed, and then fucks the sanity right out of her. BOOM! Instant crazy bitch!"
Pooch put his hands up palm out, his voice slipping into soft tones of 'soothe the nutcase' and tried to shush him. "Shhh…it's okay Jensen. It…uh, it doesn't work that way."
Then Pooch paused, got a slightly concerned look on his face and turned back to Roque.
"It doesn't work that way, does it?"
Roque snorted, crossed his arms over his chest and glared fiercely. "No." They could all tell he was lying however, since his left cheek was twitching and he couldn't quite meet their eyes.