Chapter 1
P.O.V. Deeks
Ever since Kensi left for her mission, I have been a mess. She is what held me together after the Sidirov incident and now that she left, it's all been coming back. Now that she isn't here to help me keep from falling apart, I started to get depressed, and started to have panic attacks every once and a while. Kensi was my only way of coping, and now I've resorted back to my old, not so healthy coping method; self-harm. It first started when I was younger and being abused by my father. Whenever he hurt me either physically or emotionally, I'd cut myself to help with the pain I felt. It had been the one thing that helped me get through the abuse. After I shot my father, I stopped harming myself as often; I would only cut myself when I was overly stressed or when I just wasn't able to cope with something. After I had joined NCIS I had stopped for a long time. It wasn't until the Sidirov incident that I had started again. At that point things had gotten really bad. I was cutting every day, having panic attacks, had had started to think about killing myself. Then Kensi came over and she gave me some hope. It didn't get better right away but slowly things started to improve until I was pretty much back to my old self. That is till Kensi left. Now I'm back to where I was after the Sidirov case.
- Page Break-
I just got back from another grueling case that involved a marine's daughter getting abducted and murdered. It was a really hard case for everyone. Sam was probably thinking about his own kids, so he was most likely beating up a punching bag in the gym. Eric and Nell are probably in their own little cyber world, and Callen… well Callen is so secretive that I really don't know what he would do after a case like this. Normally Kensi and me would hang out with takeout and a beer but since I can't I plan to spend my night with a knife. When I get in the door, I feel something big and heavy jump on me
"Hey Monty, I missed you today"
"Arrrrrrr"
I drop my stuff on the couch then head to my room. I turn on the light and go to my bedside table. I pull open the draw and inside I see my knife. I grad it and sit down on my bed. All emotions are flooding threw me, my heart constricting in my chest making me feel like I can't breath and I know what I need to do. I roll up my sleeve past dozens of scars and just stare for a second. Then I take the knife and bring it down hard against my wrist over and over again. I sit there and watch the blood flow; my emotions flowing out with the blood. I can finally breathe again. Once the bleeding stopped I pulled my sleeve down then wiped up the blood. Now that I'm calm, I go grab a beer and a few hours later I end up asleep on the ccouch