Disclaimer:All of the characters are the property of Dick Wolf. I thank him, the writers, the directors and all the great actors who brought them "to life" for our benefit. Any "liberties" I have taken with them stems from my fond admiration (and a few personal quirks I will seek "help" for).
AN: This story is not set within the accepted "canon" for the characters as it is only officially portrayed by the TV series. So I get to "fool around" with them in ways in which they've never been seen, stretching that to the limit and suspending the "reality" that is "fiction" to start with…now there's a contradiction in terms!!!
(And yeah Goren I know the proper word for that is oxymoron…of course I know all men do it…just others lock the bathroom door first…especially when there are three nuns in the house collecting for orphans…)
It's perfectly normal for long term partners to enjoy a little harmless role playing…say it often enough and you even start to believe it…
GOLDILOCKS AND THE BOBBY BEAR
Bobby stepped into the kitchen and looked at the bowl on the table. Then looked again.
"Who's been eating my porridge?" he growled picking up the spoon. "Or more accurately, eaten all the apple and raisins I add as one of my daily recommended portions of fruit and vegetables?"
He tasted the porridge. "Ugh!!! Too much sugar and though flaked oats maybe carbohydrate loaded and good as digestive roughage, it doesn't contain sufficient minerals and vitamins as a breakfast dish without those extras"
He put down the spoon and moved into the living room to his desk.
"Grrr!!!" Bobby rumbled. "Who has been using my stapler? And not put it back two inches to the left of and at ninety degrees to the ruler? Who is it?"
He picked up the stapler and flipped it open. "Oh no!! Now I am vexed. This is intended to take size thirty-six staples. Someone…and I can't think who…has used them all up and thought they could get away with size forty" He peered closely. "Or maybe size forty-two. Now I will have to get them out where they've all got stuck and bent up"
Bobby put down the stapler. "I think I need to go for a lie down first"
He marched to the bedroom and jumped back in horror at the sight of a lump under the bedclothes and a blonde head on the pillow.
"What!!" he snarled. "Who is that sleeping in my bed?"
Eames sat up. "Aaargh!!" she screamed. "Who are you?"
"I'm Bobby Bear and this is my apartment" he folded his arms. "More to the point madam who are you?"
"I'm Goldilocks" she pouted. "I got lost looking for the subway and came in here to shelter from the rain?"
"I see. So it was you Goldilocks who put extra sugar in my porridge and ate all the raisins and apple?"
"Yes Mr Bear" she said softly. "I'm sorry"
"And the staples?" he enquired sternly. "Was it you used them all up?"
"Yes" she quivered slightly. "The elastic snapped on my…well never mind… I had to do something"
"I suppose you did Goldilocks" he replied a little more sympathetically. "Just try putting the correct ones in next time. Size thirty-six. Third drawer right, on top of the Thesaurus"
"I will Bobby Bear" she said then smiled at him. "Your bed is nice and comfortable"
"I'm glad you think so Goldilocks" he tilted his head slightly to the side. "Tell me something. I've often wondered. Are you…um…you know…a…er…genuine blond?"
Eames giggled, "You mean do the collar and lapels match?"
"Cuffs"
"Excuse me?"
"It's collar and cuffs. The phrase for the parts we are talking about" said Bobby.
"Whatever" shrugged Eames. "Why don't you get in and see for yourself Bobby Bear?" she added in a highly seductive tone and flicking aside the covers.
Bobby paused. "Maybe I will. The porridge went cold now anyway"
He slid into the bed beside her and snuggled up as she put her arm round him.
"You're very hairy Bobby"
"That's my bear-back and you can forget any idea of waxing that or anywhere else rhymes with back Goldilocks"
"Pity" sighed Eames. "Your bear-faced cheeks could use a little trim as well. And I don't mean the ones either side of your nose this time"
Bobby lifted the covers and peered below. "I see Brazil is still a popular holiday destination. So I guess that's something will remain a mystery"
"Eeek" squeaked Eames. "What's that digging in my leg Bobby Bear?"
"I think it's called the bear-essentials" he growled deep and low.
"Well keep them to yourself" she yelped jumping out of the bed very quickly. "And you can find someone else to satisfy your bear-necessities as well"
"But Goldilocks…" Bobby protested rolling out of the bed "I thought we would…you know. This is bear-baiting to lead me on like this"
"Aaargh" screamed Eames as he chased her twice round the bed before she ran for the door.
Bobby stopped dead. "As Shakespeare says in The Winter's Tale. Exit pursued by a bear"
He went after her stage left, to hoots of laughter and applause from the audience in the 1PP auditorium. Took her hand as they returned to take their bows. Not just once but twice.
In the wings Bobby pulled off the head of the bear costume and wiped his slightly perspiring face with the back of his hairy paw.
"Boy this thing's hot Eames"
"Not the only thing that is" she muttered. Finally she gets Goren into bed and it's on stage in front of 600 people at the annual review for The Police Widows and Orphans Fund. Someone, somewhere really had it in for her.
"Oh hi Elliot" said Bobby to the SVU detective. "See? That's how to write a fairytale sketch"
Elliot Stabler muttered something as several, bizarrely costumed cops wrapped a long length of rope round and round him and then lifted him into a large black cauldron. Underneath it a fake fire glowed bright red and was very convincing.
"I didn't know you were in the cannibalism sketch Elliot" said Eames starting to un-braid her pigtails.
"I'm standing in for one of the SWAT guys as the missionary gets captured. His wife went into labour. I know the script from rehearsal"
Bobby ran his paw through his slightly damp hair as on stage, the "Vice Squad 'N Sync Band" did "their thing" was bad enough in profile from the wings. He tucked his head under his arm.
"Yes I'm sure "oh please don't eat me" and "ouch that's hot, less pepper please" were a real reach into the emotional depths of your psyche Elliot. I'm sure Stanislavski will be rolling in his grave at the Novodevichy Convent time you are done. Break a leg"
"What?" snapped Stabler as Bobby turned towards the dressing rooms. Contrary to rumour he did recognise sarcasm when it ran up and bit him in the ass. A rumour he was sure that nut-job, know all Goren had started
"It's a theatrical term Elliot" Eames informed him as she took off after her partner really did look cute. Even though he wouldn't let her tie a nice pink bow round his neck. "You'll make a great missionary before the natives eat you"
Elliot stuck out his tongue at Bobby's retreating back. "Bet I'm the nearest you've been to the missionary position in months Goren"
THREE DAYS LATER
Bobby pulled on a pair of surgical gloves, removed a magnifying glass from his desk drawer, opened his stapler and banged it on the edge of the desk.
"Problems?" asked Eames as she sat down. "Don't tell me you put forty-two instead of thirty eight in there"
"No I did not" said her partner poking at the thing with his pencil, snapping the point and then tapping hard again twice.
"Aren't you supposed to be investigating the fire Goren?" she enquired. "The one set Elliot Stabler alight?"
"He did not get set alight Eames" he corrected her. "Typical over-reaction on Stabler's part to cause all that fuss"
"His sandals did start to melt and his habit got singed"
Bobby set down the pair of compasses he'd been using to "operate" on his bunged up stapler. "I don't doubt Stabler has some very unpleasant habits but he wasn't wearing one Friday night Eames. That was a soutaine"
"Whatever" she shrugged. "What I'd like to know is who switched the can of barbeque sauce they were supposed to spray over him for one of lighter fluid. That is what the fire marshal said caused it isn't it?"
"I'm sure I don't know" said Goren very casually before whacking the stapler on the desk causing something small and metallic to fly across the room. "Oh good"
He removed the incorrect staples and had a quick peer through the magnifier. "Just as I suspected. Someone switched the all the forty-two's into the box for thirty-eights. Now I wonder who did that?"
"I'm sure I don't know" said Eames paying close attention to shifting some files from one side of her desk to the other. "Where are you going?"
"To the lab" Goren replied. "I ran out of finger print powder and want to get some more. Get them to check these boxes while I'm there"
"And you don't think that's something of an over-reaction on your part Bobby?" Eames asked.
He stood filling the doorframe and with a slightly puzzled expression for a moment. "No" he said and went on his way.
"Well you won't find any prints". Eames hissed opening her desk drawer and removing a pair of used surgical gloves as she glanced around her.
Her eyes alighted on something and she gave a little smile. And a quick look round before dropping them in Logan's trash can. Leaving a telltale staple in the finger of one was a real masterstroke. This afternoon should prove to be very amusing…
AN : I suppose this is sort of a sequel to "Little Red Riding Hood"…next time different parts of Bobby will play all Seven Dwarves…but I couldn't stand the idea of what parts might be "Dopey" or "Sleepy"…so I'm changing the names to "Perky" and "Ohmygodit'strue"…