/what you don't know can haunt you/

You know who she is.

You're only a little hurt that you had to figure it out rather than having her tell you. It wasn't particularly hard to figure out. There's no one like your Kara in National City-hell, you've been all over the world and you could say with conviction that there's no one like her anywhere, no one with eyes that glorious shade of blue, no one who smiles that sweetly or trusts you so completely, despite who's last name you carry.

Then again, maybe your belief in her trust was misplaced, because here you are sitting with this heavy knowledge that you know who she is while she stammers out an excuse to cancel their lunch plans for the third time that week and you can hear sirens in the city outside.

You're only a little hurt, you tell yourself as you inform her that it's fine that they have to cancel their plans again, but you can't help the sharp edge to your voice (you can't help anything when it comes to Kara) when you tell her that you have a business to run and that it's probably best that she can't come to lunch.

That's a lie. You hang up your phone halfway through her fifteenth apology, and prop your elbows up on your desk to hold your head in your hands, professionalism be damned because anyone trying to see her will have to go through Jess, and she's seen you at your worst and would always warn you before letting anyone in. That and, really, you're just too drained to worry about anything but the turmoil in your chest.

Her friends know. You know her friends, and you know they know, because they're all pretty much as bad at keeping secrets as Kara is (and really Kara is the worst). Her sister never indicates she knows but they're family, and Alex tends to be Kara's excuse for skipping out on you. There's no way she couldn't know. And because of that, you're sure her girlfriend knows too, and since she's a detective, that makes sense too.

All Kara's closest friends know. Except you.

Which makes you wonder. Are you really as close as it seems? You eat lunch together (you try to avoid calling them lunch dates because anything that could be connected to something more than platonic in the same sentence as one to do with Kara Danvers never fails to make you feel more nervous than you ever have been, even as a teenager still learning how this sort of thing worked-you somehow managed to stay collected even while learning, with the same ease you did nearly everything else), she never fails to comfort you or to notice when you're upset, she's learned your favorite foods, the way you take your coffee, your favorite color, what kind of flowers you like best, what a normal day in L Corp consists of for you and when you're typically the least busy so she can stop by. She knows your family, she knows your cell phone number by heart, your favorite movie, and which book in your overflowing bookshelf is the most loved. She knows you. And you know all sorts of things about her, little details just like she knows about you, and glimpses into her past that you're sure are at least half-truths because of the way she says them with such heaviness in that light, charming voice whose cadence rests on your ears softer than any music you've ever heard and loved before.

But maybe this friendship is nothing.

Maybe, despite the conviction she's defended you with, and intensity she's used to encourage you, and the sheer amount of times she's been there for you, often without you needing to even ask, she's only around to keep an eye on you.

Your name is, after all, Luthor.

And you don't want to let it hurt you, but it does. You understand the need for secrecy, but she's the closest friend you've ever had, the only friend you have now, and you know that this friendship you cherish is slowly developing into a doomed one-sided crush despite your best efforts to stop it in its tracks, but she couldn't trust you enough to let you in on this secret and just stop lying and coming up with excuses that get weaker every time.

So you sit in your chair for an hour, because pretty girls have always been your weakness and she always just amplifies it until you're an utter impulsive mess, and you had cleared your schedule foolishly for Kara Danvers even though you knew she was probably going to cancel on you, because your damned heart was a traitor, feeding you high hopes and erratic emotions for a woman who can't trust you instead of simply pumping blood like it was supposed to.

You're a Luthor, and no matter how much you care for her, she will never be able to trust you.