Part 1
"Give me your hand!"
It was the last logical request I would hear all evening, but I had no idea at the time. I took her hand with a little hope and a lot of trust.
We rode through the forest until it was too dark, and then stopped to set up for sleep. She kept looking at me, but I paid little attention to her eyes. I knew it would upset her, so I just carried on levelling out the ground and ridding the hard soil of rocks. When I finally did look up at her, she had a certain fire in her eyes that I hadn't understood in my innocent youth. I just looked back in blank confusion.
"Come sleep with me."
Her words were twisted with lust, but I didn't understand at the time. I looked to the ground and tried to make sense of her request - she was not the cuddling type. Seeing the true want in her eyes, I saw no reason to refuse her, and walked over to accept the offer.
She laid on the bedroll first, looking up at me expectantly, but I didn't know what for. Slowly, I sat and then laid down next to her, terribly nervous and concerned for what she wanted. A warrior like herself didn't ask for company unless it meant something more. I started to become worried, but shook the thoughts from my mind as I turned on my side.
Looking out to the greenery and darkness of the night comforted me, and I quickly closed my eyes.
My fatigue throughout the day was catching up to me quickly, and I was sinking into a sort of relaxation when I felt her hand on my hip. I stilled myself instinctively, freezing with the touch.
"Relax."
I only remember each word she spoke because our conversations were so sparse.
The command did somewhat relax me, but only because she said it so softy, as if trying to soothe a frightened deer. Images of warm comforters and home-cooked meals entered my mind as she then wrapped her arms around me. It was so splendid I forgot all of my fears and took deeper breaths, totally comforted in her strong, protective arms. I had seen her in battle - watching with the rest of the villagers from my hometown - and knew her capabilities, so it was comforting to know she held me so closely. Nothing could hurt me there.
I must have fallen asleep quickly because the next thing I remembered was the crisp morning air. I blinked myself awake and looked over my shoulder to find myself alone.
After some searching, I found Xena in the river. I inquired with some trepidation as to why she was swimming so early, and instead of an answer, I received another request.
"Join me."
For some reason, I was drawn to obliging her requests. It might have been my fear that she would abandon me that kept me so agreeable, or maybe it was because I sensed in her voice that she needed me to accept; I knew it must have been hard for a warrior so accomplished to take no for an answer. Either way, I was beginning to enjoy doing these little things for her. And she was pleased with my acceptance.
It wasn't long before I was completely naked, my eyes on the ground. The tension between us was thick, but I tried not to acknowledge the fact that I knew she was looking at my body. Instead, I slowly stepped into the water.
She waited as patiently as I've ever seen a person wait, and it settled my fears once again. Once I was in up to my waist, she started to make her way over to me. And after being used to her monosyllabic responses, her actions were always a clue to the way she was feeling, so I knew she was excited. However cautious she seemed, the way she came over to me revealed her true enthusiasm.
Maybe she was excited to have a friend for once in a really long time, I told myself. Of course it wasn't because a naked virgin girl joined her in the lake. I was too naive to truly understand it all.
With one hand, she gently intertwined her fingers with mine under the water, and her eyes seemed to sparkle at me. It was an odd gesture, but I immediately enjoyed it. It was comforting to know she was so excited to be with me - Xena, this epic warrior that all women and men feared alike. She was taking my hand in her own, and giving me her undivided attention. The simple act gave me tingles, whether they be from my own body realizing the effect she had on me or the temperature of the cold water, I'm not quite sure.
I had my first sensual thrill when she pulled me a bit closer then, and pressed her lips close to my ear. Very softly, she said "I want you" and everything seemed to make sense. I was still completely oblivious to any specifics, but I knew at that moment just what she wanted, and I have to admit that I was also excited. Scared, but excited.
I squeezed her hand a little tighter, but couldn't say anything. I do, however, remember moaning when her other hand slipped from my waist to the back of my thigh and over again. I don't know what came over me, but I leaned onto her and the sensation of my naked chest against hers was an aphrodisiac if ever there was one.
She somehow controlled her lust, and we walked back out together, laying out to dry, and then pulling on our clothes.
Later on that evening, she told me how she had wanted to talk the other night, but something was different about me.
When I questioned her what she meant about that, and what she had done in the past by way of discussions, she was back to her grunted responses. I could see this would get me nowhere, but I enjoyed the talkative moment, so I leaned in a bit closer and asked her if she wanted to kiss me. Where that came from I still don't know. Looking back on it, I was brave to suggest something so bold all alone in the woods with a ruthless warrior, but I was naive to that too, and I think she could sense it. I think that's exactly why I was so safe.
Without replying properly, she leaned in too, and her hot lips pressed to mine, warming the cool, soft skin. I remember her warmth more than anything as she drew me closer and kept me there with only her lips. Even then I knew something was different. It felt almost magical, how tender it was, and how it had captivated me. And I could tell she wanted more than just one kiss, but somehow she pulled herself back and looked into my eyes. I couldn't read them because the emotion ran so deep and so strong that it was more than I could bear. Usually she seemed so cold and vengeful, but in that moment, there were all different groups of emotions mixing together like swirls of vibrant paint. Seeping closer and even mixing accidentally.
I could barely breathe, so I just swallowed hard and licked my lips instinctively. I think that set her off, because she excused herself. I know now that it must have been too much for her, and she didn't want to need me so badly. I just slumped over, feeling awful and unworthy of her time. Something in me could see that we were too different, and it was a depressing thought. I had never had such an interesting friend.
It was three days before she kissed me again, but that time, it was altogether different.
Just after a lengthy battle with Caesar's army, she stormed into the little camp we had silently set up, and she grabbed my arm. I had watched her dig her feet into the ground with each step, and I knew something wasn't right - like her body was off-kilter.
"Kiss me."
The way she growled the command struck a fear into me that I'd never known before. With wide, fearful eyes, I obliged her like I did to her every request, but it was much rougher than our last kiss. I'd never known such aggressive passion existed, and it frightened me to be confronted with it all so quickly.
The grass was so wet underneath my feet I nearly slipped with her grabbing, but her grip on me was too strong for that. That's when I realized just how well she was holding me, and I started to panic.
Suddenly the kiss was too deep - her tongue forcing its way into my mouth - and hands moving down my back were too rough. I couldn't help but try to escape. I tugged at my arms and then turned my head, but she persisted. Her lips found my neck and her hands found my bottom. She squeezed, sending me shivers, and released her tongue just below my ear, growling some provocative demand in my ear that I couldn't hear over my own mumbled protests.
Her strength allowed for her to wrestle me easily to the ground - even in my fearful panic - and she pinned my arms on either side of my head. I remember kicking my legs, but she was straddling me well, and there was really no use.
"Come here," she growled, then pressing both hands onto my chest. It felt like she needed me, really needed me.
Finding it no use anyway, I finally resigned and relaxed myself. I turned my head away, thinking that she might as well take what she wanted. Shamefully thinking that I ought to help her anyways, because she'd taken me under her wing.
Xena slowed her actions when my body became dead weight, and she pulled her head back just enough to watch my expression.
She lifted herself off of me almost at once and shielded her face from me before running back into the woods. I blinked the tears from my eyes and watched her fast retreat with confusion. What had gotten into her, and why had my emotions troubled her so deeply? Surely she wasn't that kind of woman, to be so easily swayed by a simple girl. I couldn't get up because of my still-upsetting fear, so I just curled up in that spot and covered my face to shut out the afternoon light.
I awoke to the sound of a horse fussing in the dirt, it refusing to behave in any sense of the word. With what little strength I had left in me from my fight with Xena, I turned to see the warrior pulling Argo's reins. She had everything packed up and seemed to be arguing with the horse - her eyes delivering her anger.
Almost as if I knew its importance, the conversation I had with her then is engraved in my mind.
"You're leaving me here?" I asked after getting to my feet. I could hardly move, and the depression spoke through my tone of voice.
"No. I'm bringing you to the next town and leaving you there."
It was almost comical, how nonchalantly she spoke about abandoning me somewhere. Still, I wasn't laughing. "But ..."
"I don't ... I can't be with you."
The words cut right through me, and suddenly I couldn't imagine not waking up beside her. Something about her had grown on me quickly, and it was something I couldn't shake. It was a contagious likeness that we both felt.
Knowing just how many things she must be feeling to speak so honestly to me, I prodded her further. Almost as if I knew her limits. "Did I do something wrong?"
She breathed heavily and turned to me, ignoring Argo for a moment. "You oblige me, Gabrielle." I could see it pained her to use my name. "I can't ... I just can't."
I could see what she needed and I wanted to give it to her. Suddenly, I wanted to give her a part of myself. It was a strange moment for such desires, but I took a few unsteady steps toward her and whispered to her. "You can ... hold me that way if you want. It was just too hard ... You scared me."
The tears in her eyes were obvious, but her calm expression confused my own understanding of frustration and sadness. She was fussing with Argo again before I could stop her. I even reached out for her arm, but she refused my touch.
The next touch she allowed me was after she had mounted the horse, and reached down. So many times she had helped me up behind her this way, but for some reason, I just couldn't let her do it. I didn't want her to take me away, like if I stayed there I might somehow be able to find her again.
"Give me your hand."
I wanted to cry with the reminder of the way I left with her that first time we met - running from the army of raiders that had destroyed everything else - but I kept my tears inside like Xena showed me was perfectly possible. I blinked them back as she lifted me up at last, to settle in behind her for the ride.
On our way to civilization, I rested my head on her shoulder and slipped my arms around her waist. The meaning behind the touch was different now that I understood her needs a little better. I thought about touching her the entire way there, but I was too nervous to try it for fear she would turn on me like she had earlier. Both of my hands were clasped at her stomach when we finally reached the small town.
She slid off the horse first in an impossible way that still baffles me, and reached up for me. I could see that she didn't want to help me down - that there were thoughts and temptations behind such proximity - but she allowed it anyway.
When she finally let me down on the matted dirt ground, she looked me in the eyes and spoke as coldly as she could manage.
"It's better this way."
A little bag of coins hit my shoulder before falling to the floor, but I couldn't take my eyes from her as she trotted away, soon setting Argo into a full gallop. I could tell by the gentle way she threw the money to me that she felt bad for leaving me there, and I could also see that her intentions were proper. Still, I was distraught.
It only took one good look around me to see that I could never live in that village, and I walked off in the direction that Xena took before tucking the bag of coins into my cleavage. Thankfully there was room in my peasant dress for such things.
The first night was cold because I couldn't start a fire like Xena, and I was starting to regret not spending one night in a nice room back at the bland village, but I still slept. I couldn't have stayed anyway, as that would have distanced us even further.
The second night I began to give up all hope after an exhausting day of constant travel, when suddenly I heard laughter. My ears perked up with excitement at the possibility of some company, and I eagerly left the area I had suited for a bed to look for a friend. Was it possible I was so lucky as to find company?
I came across a camp of men, and was taken aback by their loud and aggressive behavior, but they all seemed to be warriors like Xena, and that fact served to comfort me. As crude as they were, they reminded me of the soft-hearted woman I had grown to like, so I stepped from the shadows.
A couple of whistles and teasing calls caught my ears before a young man walked up to me. I could tell he was feeding off of the fear in my eyes, and that frightened me even further. That was the moment I realized these men weren't necessarily like Xena at all. I said the first thing that came to mind. "I ... I just saw the ... the fire, and I thought I could see if there were ... people, maybe?"
"I'm a little lonely tonight myself," another man spoke up, toasting to his statement with a makeshift cup and grinning far too widely. I couldn't help but show my fear - it was all I had.
"Maybe the wench fancies a little dance, hey?"
"So long as she's stripped!"
The comments were flying at me from every angle, and all I wanted to do was hide in some hole in the ground when I was pulled toward the middle of the circle by the man at my side. I gasped, but couldn't scream. I was too afraid.
Their laughter pierced my senses as cruel and terrifying, and I was thrown to another man who excitedly ran his hands under my dress. I tried pushing him off of me, but he was behind me, and much stronger than myself. As I was struggling with the touch on my thighs, another man pressed his large, rough hands over my dress, and onto my chest. I'd never felt so exposed and so completely vulnerable. I remember wanting to cry.
"Enough."
It had the piercing quality of a scream, but it was said evenly, and with a firm confidence.
Suddenly, all the men froze, and my knees gave in. I was in such shock that I couldn't keep on my feet anymore, and I couldn't even see who the voice belonged to. Still somehow, I knew.
There in front of me was the warrior herself - Xena. I was still trembling when I looked up her muscular thighs to her face. Almost as quickly as she had locked eyes with me, she tore them away again and turned to the first man who held me.
"She's off limits." Then, with a hard shove, the man stumbled onto his back. She turned to the other man and pulled him in by the collar of his shirt. The task seemed so easily accomplished, I could have sworn she carried godly powers. She just stared into his eyes with anger and then released him, as if he was unworthy of the scorn.
She began again as she reached down to me. "No one touches her," she emphasized, holding my arm as she pulled me to my feet, "Or they answer to me."
When my knees wobbled beneath me again under the stares of the entire camp, Xena wordlessly bent down and slung me over her shoulder. It was a crude way to carry me, but I assumed it was her way of claiming me in front of such a rough crowd. I accepted the gesture with gratitude, thanking her in the silence we shared all the way to the other side of the large camp I had stumbled across.
"You shouldn't have followed me."
It was the first thing she said after letting me back onto my own two feet. We were in a tent of sorts, and I looked around in confusion and amazement, wondering what she had gotten herself into, and how she had done it so quickly. Was this the kind of place she went to every day, promising of her return?
"Now I have to earn their respect ten times over."
I was offended with her selfish concerns, but I kept my feelings to myself. My eyes explained my disappointment, I know.
Then HER eyes softened again, like I was seeing the real woman inside. Her thick black hair hung so elegantly I could have sworn she'd just brushed it, but I knew that wasn't the case. She was looking at me. Trying to read my expression. "Are you alright?"
Looking down to the dirt on the bottom of my dress and my legs, I was afraid once more. With my lack of answer, she spoke again.
"Now you see why I left you."
It was more of a question than an explanation, but I know my shock was displayed in my features. Was she capable of such a violent gesture? "You ... would have ..."
Her eyes dropped and I could see the shame in her stance. It made me feel like she'd never felt it that way before.
"But Xena, you couldn't ..."
She looked at me again - her eyes revealing that my naivety was disappointing - and then she opened up in a way I hadn't expected in the least. "I couldn't. Something about you, Gabrielle ... it makes me regret everything I am." Her hearty words really touched me, and our connection allowed her to continue; that's my only reasoning for such a brute warrior having opened her heart to me so completely. "I want you ..." she said softly, and the phrase made my body yearn for her warmth again, but she quickly completed the thought: "To get away from here."
My heart sank with those words.
"It's for your own good."
When I looked up to her, those fiery blue eyes saw deep into mine, like she knew what I was silently plotting. Those eyes begged me not to do it, but I couldn't resist. Very slowly, I leaned my head up, and after reaching nearly the entire way, she touched her lips to mine. It was a satisfying kiss, as soft and innocent as it was. And even with the sweet embrace, I remember yearning for her tongue again - just not so roughly. In a way, I had liked the way it felt passing over my lips.
This time, instead of pulling back, she disconnected from the kiss only to start anew, and with a greater desire behind the embrace. She put her hands on my hips and drew me in closer while her lips kneaded my own. A throbbing started between my legs, and it was so new to me that I wasn't sure what was happening to my own body. It was a growing ache, and I was worried it would never leave me.
Her tongue gently eased onto my upper lip, and I instinctively parted them, unknowing of her response. When her tongue slid into my mouth to seek out my own, I melted. I tried to stay on my feet, but I was grateful for her powerful hold on me. The feelings were unusual for me, but those few moments took control of my body and mind, reeling me into new depths I had never discovered before. She was delivering something to me that I never knew existed - lust.
I could feel that she was trying to be gentle with me, but her rough hands had a difficult time of it once she had eased me onto the makeshift bed. It wasn't only uncomfortable, but impractical as well with straw and twigs hanging out the sides. Still, the canvas-type material separated us from the harsher textures, and I was grateful for that. Lying on my back beneath her, I was sure I would lose my virginity that night, but she only allowed herself to kiss me and to savour small touches here and there. The touches, however, were electric.
The shoulder of my dress being pulled down my arm shocked me, to say the least, but the incredible surprise of her mouth closing over my nipple more than made up for that. I remember arching into the way her tongue teased me, and I also remember instinctively grinding onto her thigh, but she put an end to our fun soon after that.
"I need to walk."
She spoke hoarsely and pulled herself off of me so quickly I almost expected another had entered the room and done it instead, but no one had joined us. I couldn't even call her back before she had walked out, past the tent flap to disappear from sight.
After quickly fixing my dress, I stepped out of the tent in the direction she had gone, and saw her disappear into the darkness of the forest. I knew she would be back, but her absence left me feeling incredibly empty.
The sudden silence of the men around the fire in the distance caused my eyes to move over toward them. They were all staring at me, as if daring me to invite a rude comment or a devilish touch. I widened my eyes and backed into the tent once again, confident that their fear of Xena would override their desire for another blatant attack.
When I laid back onto the bed again, I could still feel the ache between my legs. Slowly, I parted my legs and pulled a misshapen blanket over my lower half. The slight coverage allowed my curiosity to will my hands down my stomach. I hoped that if I could find the source of throbbing, hopefully I could ease the constant pulsing. It was becoming truly unbearable.
My soft fingers were guided down to lift my dress over my knees before my hand ventured up my thighs. It felt so wrong, but with the wildly sexual influences all around me, it was a journey I needed to take. I wanted to know what Xena wanted - what she needed - and to feel it for myself.
Both of my eyes were closed when my fingers touched between my legs for the first time. Never before had I explored myself that way, or really taken the time to understand my desires.
I let my mind wander to anything, and it settled naturally on the image of Xena's body, and her commanding presence. The piercing blue in her eyes. I gasped with the vision, completely overwhelmed with my new discovery. It felt so good to touch myself - I couldn't imagine why one would need another for this - evidence of my naivety once more. It did feel wonderful.
As excited as I was, I still had no idea how to touch myself, or where for that matter, and my fatigue overcame me before I could truly satisfy myself and ease this mysterious ache. I let my eyes close, and drifted off.
The next thing I knew, my fingers felt tingly - like something unusual that I couldn't quite place. I blinked my eyes open slowly to find Xena leaning over me, holding my hand in her own and gently licking my fingers. The image was so purely sexual that the ache revisited me again. My breath caught in my throat when she eased my fingers into her mouth, when I remembered where those particular fingers had been. She immediately turned her head and looked into my eyes.
"What are you doing?" I whispered, feeling exposed but in the most sensual way. It was a beautiful feeling, and it gave me tingles all down my back.
She fired the question back at me because she knew my innocence. "What were you doing with these fingers?" Then she ran her tongue softly over the finger I used most before speaking again. "And don't even think of lying to me."
There was a hint of playfulness in her tone, and I sensed it right away. I was immediately calmed, and thriving on this new exploration. My hand was caught in hers, but the grasp was warm and thoughtful. "I was just ... seeing. I never really ... did anything ... to myself. I just ... you left, and ..."
"Did you like it?" she asked, her voice hoarse and raspy. Oh, the things she was capable of - a part of me desired for her to take me right then.
I just nodded instead, and squirmed onto my side. "Can you hold me while I sleep?"
Even then I knew it was cruel to ignore her obvious want, but I was enjoying this power I had over her. I never meant any harm, but I felt it lured us both into a wild frenzy. I remember laying on my side and just smiling. It was the most aroused I had ever felt, teasing her.
She mumbled something and laid behind me, tucking one arm under my neck and bringing the other up over my hip. She held me as close as she could, one hand gently cupping my breast. I tried to calm my breathing, but instead, what came out was somewhat different.
"You can ... touch me if you want."
We were both taken by surprise, but she pushed it aside much quicker than myself. I could hear her breath in my ear, and I squirmed with the way she held me so possessively, like she owned every shiver and moan. "I will ..." she whispered back, gently moving her hand down my leg but then back up to where it had been resting. "... But not tonight."
The throbbing finally relented so that sleep found me once more, and I sank into a deep relaxation there in Xena's arms. She knew just how to hold me.
The next morning began with a start, and I was riding with Xena in a matter of moments - completely shocked at the woman's ability to keep a calm strength through raiders at dawn and a fight over her possessions. I just hung on for dear life, sore after all of the wild riding, but determined to suffer through it if she was. I would show her I could be strong too.
Sadly I couldn't keep to my wish, because after several hours, my stomach was rumbling. Not only did I mention it to her, but when she responded with silence, I became frustrated. Something instinctively told me I had that right, and that nobody else could speak to her in the same pestering tone. Something told me she'd put up with it, just because it was me - the girl she'd somehow grown to like.
"Xena, I'm really hungry. Can't we stop for just a minute?"
A heavy sigh escaped, and then she turned her head so that her profile was illuminated in the early sun. Her beauty in that moment surprised me.
"I can't stop yet."
I leaned back a bit and smiled when I saw a hint of the same on her lips. I could tell it had been some time since anyone had spoken to her that way. "Xena." I pressed for more, enjoying this odd familiarity.
"You're starting to annoy me, Gabrielle."
That was a reason for Xena to kill, if she so pleased, but in this case, it was only a phrase. The understanding of such led to greater relaxation around her, and I think she could sense that, too. She started to familiarize herself with my incessant whining, although I did as I was told. I felt that if I ever became too difficult, she would leave me somewhere again. That thought alone kept me relatively submissive to her commands, although no unusual requests were given. In a way, that was also disappointing. I think Xena was struggling with the way she felt about me - and that this was new for both of us - and so she kept herself away from me in that sense.
There were a few nights when I wished she would have come up to me and grabbed me - just taken me - but we went months without anything of the kind.
It was a long while before I saw that glimmer in her eyes again, and I recognized it in the middle of a mundane argument over what I was making for dinner.
The chill of the rain had kept her from roaming too far, as we'd found a proper shelter, and she seemed to have a lot of pent-up energy. Usually after a battle, she slipped off into the woods to burn off some of that energy, but on that particular day, she just sat there with her head in her hands.
"I think we should ride into town, Xena," I remember asking, still impressed with her ability to light a fire amidst a rainfall, but frustrated as well. "We could buy dinner tonight instead of cooking." Then I looked to the struggling fire and back at her, gesturing toward it. "It's dying already, and there's a town not too far fr-"
I couldn't even finish because she leapt to her feet and grabbed me by the collar of my shirt, pinning my smaller form to the strangely lop-sided tree that was keeping us from the downpour. When she looked into my eyes with a seething anger, I also saw something else that had obviously ignited within her.
"You talk too much."
She was capable of snapping my spine if she wished it, but that wasn't my concern. My only real concern was that she would ignore whatever she wanted so desperately that she felt she needed to hide from me.
Oxygen filled my lungs as I found my breath again, and my eyes focused on her lips. I expected her to kiss me and take me like before, holding me down on the cold ground while she touched me all she wanted.
Fantasizing about it so closely to her, I felt something thick and wet along my inner thigh, and my eyes widened. Was it my cycle already? Worriedly, my lower lip trembled and I looked back into her eyes.
She let me down, worried she might have hurt me. I could see it in her crystal blues, so I spoke to extinguish her concern.
"I just ... felt something," I said, bringing my legs together.
Then the fire was back in her eyes, and I knew she wanted to do something she couldn't let herself do. Something she thought she couldn't do with me, but I didn't know what that was at the time. I kept focused on her eyes that were moving down my body to my feet. She didn't need to say anything for me to immediately understand something different was going on.
"It's ... not my? ..."
"Probably not," she said bluntly, wiping her brow with the back of her hand and turning her head. Her wet bangs were matted to her forehead as she whipped her head from left to right, thinking. The moment she took to collect herself gave me just enough time to step up to her.
"What is it?"
I must have frightened her, because she jumped. Even as highly toned as her reflexes were, I seemed to throw her off sometimes. Maybe it was the same way that only I could frustrate her to no end, and live to see another day.
"Gods!" she gasped in surprise, immediately composing herself. "Gabrielle." It was a long, silent moment between us that had me wanting an incredibly specific explanation. "Don't ask me that."
She was gone before I could pester her for a true answer.
After that first night I had tried to touch myself months ago, I had given it up. I felt like it was something I shouldn't have done to myself, but as time passed - and especially after Xena wouldn't answer my question - I began to reassess my thoughts on the matter.
With Xena gone for another run, or some sort of escape again, I sat and leaned back against the big old tree and ran my hands over my legs. Partially to keep them warm from the cool of the evening, and partially to try to empty my mind. What would Xena do? I kept asking myself, closing my eyes to aid in the process of fantasy. It always felt so good to fantasize about her.
The first image that came to my mind? Her strong hands. I smiled to myself in the quiet spot on the ground and shifted my bottom a bit for comfort. I remember breathing heavily and licking my lips.
Xena's arms ignited my desire - the effortless way she lifted me up behind her onto Argo. I never could understand that.
By the time I had started thinking about her breasts, I was completely confused. I had started asking myself questions like 'why do I feel so free to think about such things?' and 'why do I feel these things about a woman?'. I began to feel betrayed by my own desire, and wished feverishly that my feelings for Xena would cease with the rain - if it ever would.
When Xena had come back, she found me laying flat on my back, eyes closed, letting the rain soak into my clothes and over my chilled skin. I was trying to punish myself for the thoughts I had enjoyed, because of the guilt it gave me. I wanted to rid myself of all the complications, and hoped the rain would do so. However, Xena didn't quite understand this symbolic cleanse.
"You're delusional."
It was the only response she gave me after hoisting me up on her shoulder.
Sure I had refused to seek shelter, but I hadn't thought she would care so much to lift me up and bring me with her. I let myself become dead weight, and felt the blood rush to my head. It was strange and terrifying, but the view of Xena's bottom and the backs of her thighs gathered my interest. Then I remembered my misery and forced my eyes closed. These thoughts weren't for girls, and these thoughts definitely weren't for me, I assured myself.
She let me down after taking her bedroll off of Argo, and dropping it on the ground. Then she looked at me with uncertainty, and then to my clothes. I was already freezing. "Take them off." She'd turned before I could start, and very slowly, I peeled off my soaking garments, shivering naked behind her.
I noted that she was clenching her fists and shifting a little as I finally spoke back to her. "Okay ... I'm naked. Now what?"
"Lay down," she instructed, pulling the small cover form Argo as well, tossing it to me without really looking. Although we bathed together, she never really let herself look at me. And that moment was no different. It seemed that the more time she spent with me, the more fearful she was of my naked body.
Slowly but surely, she joined me on the bedroll, and pulled me close for warmth.
"Don't talk."
It wasn't rude coming from Xena, because I knew she didn't want me to ask why or for how long she would hold me. She just wanted to help relax me, and she knew her touch did just that. Without question or guilt, I knew the same and cherished the knowledge. Sure enough, I snuggled up in her arms, and her seemingly impossible warmth put me to sleep.
When I awoke, she was touching me.
The nearly pitch black of the night confused me as to my reason for such wakefulness, but I wasn't wondering for much longer. I made sure not to move when I realized that Xena had gently traced her fingers up to my hip. I felt sexually vulnerable, but I was surprised for my like of the sensation. I was instantly throbbing again, silently pleading that she would really touch me. To show me what she wanted. 'Please' I begged to myself, not daring to whisper the word aloud. I was an incredibly deep sleeper, and she likely figured I was still asleep.
Her hand was on my inner thigh just then, fingers so gentle I could barely feel their feather-soft touch. I laid very quietly, as if I could hear her thoughts in response to my own.
Listening to her uneven breathing satisfied me, and I fought to hold back the smile. I knew my body was what she desired most, and it was arousing me to no end. I couldn't help the gentle flow of desire from trickling out of me again, and I could feel the small amount slip over my skin before her finger swept it up in its path. I knew what she was doing without having to look - she was feeling it between her thumb and forefinger to characterize my desire. She loved understanding mysterious things.
When I couldn't help but shift in my supposed sleep, she gasped and forced herself away. Her breathing was shaky and troubled, and I could feel that she was wondering: What have I done?
Her hurried footsteps followed her shock, and I was free to open my eyes. She was gone again, and it hurt to be alone. I felt between my legs for my own personal curiosity, and I was shocked with how wet I had become. What had she done to me? Oh, what she could do to me.
I closed my eyes and fell back asleep, ever hopeful that she would take advantage of my rest once again. But she left me alone for the rest of the night.
The next morning, I woke up alone, but that didn't surprise me.
It was another week or so before I felt the same incredible need between us. This time it was my doing, and I was pleased with her initial response.
Her mouth dropped open and she froze in her tracks. Her raven-dark hair grazed each cheek as her shoulders dropped in shock. Her entire body was affected by the sight before her - me. Well, me laying on her bedroll, legs parted and eyes inviting her closer.
She was still drenched head-to-toe from her swim in the lake, and the water falling into her eyes forced her to blink hard. However, her eyes opened again quickly, and her expression made me smile.
"You don't know what you're doing."
A bold statement, if ever there was one. Especially since I was coming onto her in such a blatantly sexual fashion.
"I just like it down here." It was a lie, and an obvious one at that, but she forced her mouth closed and breathed heavily through her nose. Both of us knew that I was very inexperienced with such bed-related matters. "Won't you hold me tonight? It's ... so cold, Xena." I knew that she often twitched at the way I said her name - like she was powerless to refuse anything I might ask her.
"No," she answered, turning her head so as to physically pull her eyes from me.
Xena's quick response struck me as cold, but when I gave myself a moment to think it over, I realized it must have been because she was uncomfortably aroused. Maybe she had the ache like I did. Then I smiled: maybe she knew how to fix it.
"Why are you smiling?" She took a step forward, frustration on her face.
My smile was gone with my mood. She just felt too cold that night, and too shut down to pay any real attention to me. If I was going to invite someone so explicitly, they had better appreciate it. Even in my naivety I knew that, and I felt disappointed, so I got up. But my eyes couldn't meet hers. I felt stupid for making myself so vulnerable, because although her words were few, a great amount of time had elapsed while I waited on the cold, hard ground, and she hadn't even tried to warm her smile. She just stood there, and I felt judged.
"Nothing," I said, equally cold, and turned in the other direction. I took out my own bedroll and put it on the ground, opposite to Xena's, and on the other side of the fire.
She was watching my every move - I knew that, but I didn't want to care, so I forced myself to be angry.
"Are you sick?"
Although it may have been a hurtful phrase, after knowing Xena, it was an honest concern, and so I answered with equal honesty. "No." I kept my back turned, refusing to watch her stare at me from across the fire, her piercing blue eyes undoubtedly holding confusion and regret.