Best of Me
by Kiley S. Snape
I just wanted to be home…I wanted all of this to be over- I was back in London, why would they not allow me to go home? I stared down at my trembling hands, the hum of the lights overhead set me on edge…I was waiting for the tell-tale crackle. Andre only let me into the light when it was time for more questions, whose answers I did not know. The pitiful excuse for tea they had first provided when they led me into this damned room had long gone cold; I was afraid to reach out for it, I had not been permitted to drink it. This was a test. I was afraid to believe that I was in London after so long- perhaps this was a new method Anton wanted to try…take away the last remnants of hope to leave me so broken, I would answer whether I knew or not.
I did not raise my head when the door finally opened, but intrigue sparked deep inside my head when I made out the distinct, faint staccato of a woman's footsteps. The chair across from me scraped against the floor as the silent woman took her seat.
"You haven't touched your tea," she remarked softly. Her voice was gentle, and British. I peeked at her from behind my limp curtain of unwashed hair; her brown hair was an inviting chocolate that dipped to the middle of the column of her neck, and her blue eyes were as warm as her voice. "Kiley, my name is Susan Carmichael."
"No, it isn't," I rasped in Russian.
"Do you know where you are?"
"The place I tried to get to years ago," I countered, "Thames House. To Harry."
"You know Harry?" The woman seemed surprised at that.
"Of course, I would know my own godfather…my name is Kiley Jensen, and I am the daughter of Evan Jensen, your colleague."
Both names carried weight and power, I understood that now. The woman's eyes darted back and forth along an unseen line on the table between us. She brought her hands up, I flinched, and she slowly threaded her fingers together. "Kiley, my name is Ruth Evershed. Do you know why you are here?"
Ruth Evershed. I picked at a stray thread on the coarse track pants that had been provided to me. I was truly home…after all these years. My shoulders began to tremble and my chest seized with tremulous breaths. "I just want to go home- I want my father," I sobbed faintly. I flinched when Ruth's hand fell over mine.
"Your father is waiting for you, I promise, but we need to sort through what happened to you. Can you do that?"
"I can't," I rasped.
"Yes, you can. You are strong like your father, and he wants to see you just as badly as you do him. I will make this as swift as possible, all right? Can we begin?"
I nodded my head.
I awoke to tears trickling down my temples to gather at my hairline. I rose gently out of bed, swinging my legs over the side, and buried my face in my hands. Why now? My hair fell around me, providing me the cloak I had relied upon for years. My chest felt too small for my greedy lungs, and my pants filled the quiet.
"Kiley?" Lucas murmured, and I heard him carefully shuffle out of bed. His feet padded softly on the hardwood floor. He crouched in front of me, his blunt fingers combing back my hair. "Kiley, are you all right?"
"Dreaming," I muttered.
"Dreaming, or remembering?" Lucas pressed knowingly, "It was about Ruth again, wasn't it?"
I nodded my head and wiped away the fresh tears. "It's been four years since she died, Lucas, she wasn't able to be here when our daughter was born- or when you proposed- she wasn't here for our wedding. Harry throws himself into work to forget, but we're here away from our pasts and stuck with the memories."
"Not all of them are bad," he reminded me, "And we've made a better life here than I could have imagined."
"Don't you miss it? The smell of the Thames, German Street, the proper cuppas…the familiarity of it all…"
Lucas wrapped his hands around mine, and lifted his azure eyes to meet my gaze. "I miss some things, yes, but you have given me the most beautiful thing in the world…and she's right here with us. If I had remained in the life I had in London, then I would be dead…and I never would have found you."
I leaned forward and pressed my forehead against his and my eyes drifted shut. "I love you," I murmured, and nuzzled my nose against his.
"And I you," he returned, "Get back into bed."
"Da," Ruth slurred, half asleep, as she rolled into Lucas' warmth. I smiled and reached out my hand to comb through her thick hair. Lucas pulled our daughter deeper into his arms, pressing a kiss to the crown of her head.
"I'm here," he murmured into her hair.
He would always be there…for the both of us.
"Is Alexei here yet?" Ruth wondered, still staring out the window.
"Not yet, sweetling," I replied, "Papa Harry is getting here first, and then Sasha and Emily will bring Alexei tomorrow morning."
"Oh. Where's Da?"
"He's out grocery shopping for your birthday tomorrow," I explained.
"Oh. He's been gone a long time," my daughter remarked.
I smiled as she went back to colouring in her picture book. My mobile chimed to announce that the two minutes were up. I glanced over my shoulder at Ruth to make sure there was no mischief she could stir up in the brief time it took for me to sneak away to the bathroom. I shut the door behind me, and plucked the plastic stick up from the counter.
Pregnant.
A tremulous smile curved my lips- at last, at long last. Shortly after Ruth's second birthday, Lucas informed me that our family needed one more to complete it- something I wholeheartedly agree. I had refused to become one of those women that kept their husband all-but chained to the bed, but Lucas seemed…most than eager to "practise." But as the year passed, then turned to two, I began to worry that maybe another baby was not in our cards. I had kept this insecurity to myself, and reminded myself to let things happen in their own time.
"PAPA!" Ruth screamed, and I heard her gallop down the front corridor to the door.
I slid the pregnancy test behind various bottles in the medicine cabinet, and made my way after her. I leaned against the open door to watch Ruth crash into my godfather; Harry's arms flailed to keep upright and not topple over on her and Ruth remained oblivious in her delight.
"Kiley, who is this?" Harry teased, cocking a brow down at my daughter.
"It's me, Ruth, Papa!" Ruth laughed, and jumped into his arms.
"Are you sure? You're much too tall to be my Ruth," Harry continued, ruffling her hair.
"Uh huh! I am going to tall like Da- Mummy said so!" Ruth quipped, and flashed her papa a beaming grin. "Papa, it's my birthday tomorrow."
"Oh good, I thought I bought you a present for nothing," Harry mused.
"It wouldn't be the first time," I called out, and shot my godfather a wry smile.
"Kiley, you look radiant."
"Sleep deprivation does give one a certain air," I chortled, and motioned for him to come inside. "How was your flight?"
"The food gets worse every year," Harry grumbled, and let Ruth down when she began to squirm. We watched her race upstairs, no doubt to grab her favourite book for Harry to read to her. "But no troubles besides that," he finished. He took off his signature coat and hung it on the coat closet, and then turned back to me. "How are things here?" he pressed knowingly.
Suddenly, I felt like an awkward teen again. I took a deep breath and confided, "I have been remembering…certain things about my life in England. But Lucas is helping me through it."
"I wouldn't think otherwise. You two do wonders for each other."
I agreed with a nod of my head, and decided to confide in my godfather, "Harry, I'm pregnant."
He cupped my face between his hands as I smiled breathlessly. "Are you certain?"
"I took the test just before you arrived," I affirmed.
"Kiley, this is fantastic! Have you told Lucas yet?"
"Told me what?" Lucas wondered as he came through the front door.
"That your daughter almost found her birthday present- again," I chided my husband.
He grinned cheekily and replied, "That girl has her mother's curiosity streak- how can I beat that when it already beat me years ago?"
"Don't pick the same hiding places," I laughed.
"Fair enough. Harry, it's good to see you," Lucas replied, and offered Harry his hand.
"Likewise," my godfather returned, and went inside the house when Ruth began to call out for him.
"Find everything?" I asked, rising up on the balls of my feet to kiss him.
"Mhm," he hummed, and stole another kiss, "Heard from Emily and Sasha?"
"They're flying down this evening, and let's hope they leave Ruth's gift in one of their suitcases…a repeat of last year would be a disaster."
Lucas smiled at the memory, and we walked inside to join Harry and Ruth in the living room.
"Harry seems a little off," Lucas mused, not lifting his eyes from the book he was reading.
"I noticed that, too, what do you think is going on? Maybe coming out here was poor timing with something happening on the Grid?" I wondered.
"Whatever it is, he will tell us in his own time…you know how he is," my husband assured me.
"Lucas," I began slowly, looking at his reflection in the mirror as I pulled my hair back into a thick braid.
"Yes?"
I tied off my plait and slowly made my way to the bed. I sat on my knees and regarded my husband, who was leaning against the headboard. He set his book aside and regarded me with a quirked brow. I took a deep breath, and made my way over to the bed. I slowly straddled him and smiled demurely.
"Kiley…" he urged softly.
"I'm pregnant," I breathed, beaming.
One. Two. Three!
Lucas' lips pulled mine into a pliant dance as he kissed me fiercely, and his arms pulled me closer. "Truly?"
"There's no questioning the validity of a pregnancy test," I assured him, and buried my head in the crook of his neck.
"How long have you known?" he chided.
"Today I took the test, but I was hoping for a little over a week now."
"You told Harry first," he realized, shooting me a glower.
"He would have figured it out and ruined the surprise!" I protested, and let out a yelp when he flipped me under him.
"How can you amend the situation?"
"One thing is coming to mind," I thought, and leaned up to kiss him.
"Mummy- Da! It's my birthday!" Ruth announced as she came crashing into our bedroom the following morning.
"Do you know who is in our room? She sounds like our Roo, but I can't be sure…" Lucas slurred sleepily as he lifted his head from the pillow.
"Daaaaa," our daughter dragged out, "Papa already said that yesterday…"
"Harry seems to beating me to a lot of things lately," Lucas grumbled faintly, and I snorted which earned me a half-lidded glare.
Ruth clambered onto the bed and took her usual place, between her father and me. I peppered her smiling face with kisses, and Lucas began tickling her. Our daughter shrieked and flailed about to escape her father's reach. I carefully avoiding an elbow to the eye, and dramatically drew her into my arms. "Mummy, SAVE me!" she squealed.
"I have you," I promised her, and kissed her temple, "Happy birthday, sweetling."
Ruth beamed up at me, and my heart sent a surge of warmth throughout my entire being. She warily regarded her father, and demanded, "Da, are you going to tickle me?"
"Will you give me a kiss if I do?" Lucas wondered, eyes crinkling in his mirth.
"Noooo, but if you promise me you won't tickle me- you can."
"Oh, I promise," he agreed heartily, and he smiled.
Ruth nuzzled her nose against mine one more time before she crawled into her father's arms. She beamed up at him, and the way he looked at her…nothing short of magic. "Da, will you make me pancakes, please?"
"Absolutely," Lucas answered, "Let's leave Mummy in bed for a little while- she was up late."
I flashed him an appreciative smile, and fell back onto the pillow- earning a giggle from our girl. I heard a tell-tale thump coming from the closet, and I smiled as I rolled out of bed. "I'm coming, little one," I murmured. I opened the closet door and a little figure loped into the bedroom. "Too much energy to know what to do with it," I chided as I watched the young bunny thoroughly investigate the bedroom.
"You didn't."
"Indeed, I did," I affirmed, and saw my godfather standing in the doorway.
"I remember when you brought…what was his name?"
"François," I supplied, "Do you remember the look on my father's face when I brought him home when I found him on my way home from school?"
Harry shook his head as he smiled. "Not an expression I will soon forget," he remarked, "May I come in?"
"Of course," I said, and plucked the bunny off the ground and brought him up to the crook of my neck as I settled on the ground. I smiled as his whiskers brushed against my skin, and Harry took a seat on the edge of the bed beside me.
"The trouble this one and Ruth are going to get into," Harry chuckled.
"About as much trouble as I did with my own," I sighed. I stole a glance at my godfather out of the corner of my eye, and saw that his eyes were glazed over. I set the bunny down, and placed a hand on his knee. "Harry, tell me," I urged.
His jaw ticked briefly before he mumbled, "Do you recall Will Holloway?"
My brow furrowed as I tried to recall whether that was an alias or a true identity to the many people that were in my life. "Will…the one you tried to set me up with back in my university days?"
Harry shot me a sheepish smile, and placed a hand over mine. "The very same…I worked with him before I came out here," he explained.
But that was not the entirety of the story. Harry was fond of, and prone to, secrets- I learned that if I ever wanted the details, I would have to let him do it on his own time. I rested my head on the curve of his knee, and his hand threaded through my hair. "Do you think…do you think my father would be proud of me?" I asked suddenly, voice soft.
"If he feels even a fraction of what I do, he would be more than proud," Harry answered, "You have found peace, a husband- who loves you more than anything- and soon to be two children…that is everything he wanted you to have- happiness."
"And what would be have to say about you?" I wondered.
"I've done my part," Harry murmured, and he was lost to memory for a time.
"ALEXEI!" Ruth screamed, and we heard the front door burst open.
"Looks like the entire family is together again," Harry teased.
"Just the way Ruth wanted it to be…she missed you, Harry."
"I will be staying here for quite some before I depart," my godfather promised, pressing a kiss to my temple as he rose to his feet. Together, we made our way downstairs and I held the small bunny in my arms. "She is going to do nothing else but coddle the little thing," Harry mumbled.
"Oh, don't be jealous- you'll always be her Papa," I assured him with a wry smile.
"Hello, gorgeous!" Emily greeted me as we came into view.
"Hello, darling," I chirped, and gave her a blinding smile, "Sasha, how are you?"
"Well," the man replied, absentmindedly running a hand over Emily's swollen abdomen, "Hello, Harry."
"Good to see you, Sasha," Harry said.
"Mummy, what are you holding?" Ruth asked, azure eyes bright as she tried to figure out what I help securely in my arms. Alexei, Emily and Sasha's son, materialised at her side.
"You need to be quiet, he startles easily," I explained as I crouched down to bring the bunny to their level. "Happy birthday," I continued, holding the bunny out for Ruth to take.
"Is he mine?" she gasped, and her eyes shot up to look at her father, who had come up behind me.
"He is, and that means he is your responsibility," Lucas affirmed.
"Do you want to hold him?" I wondered.
"I don't want to hurt him," Ruth worried.
"Here, let me show you," I offered, and with my free arm drew her close. "Hold him with both hands, like this," I instructed, transferring the bunny into her arms and shifting her hands.
"Am I doing it right?" Ruth asked.
"Yup," I answered.
Ruth buried her nose into the bunny's soft fur as the latter tucked his head beneath her chin. She smiled up at Lucas and me, and we returned the action. "He's so small," she whispered.
"I had a bunny that I found that size, and your Da and I decided that we wanted the same for you," I explained.
"What are you going to name him?" Emily asked.
"Tickles," Ruth announced.
"An excellent name," Harry praised.
Ruth turned to her Uncle Sasha and inquired, "Do you want to hold him?"
Sasha eyes widened as he regarded us all warily, and I stifled a snicker behind a well-placed hand. "He looks quite happy being with you right now, but maybe Alexei would like to," he dismissed gently.
"Come along, it's time for a certain birthday girl's breakfast," Lucas announced.
Our motley family meandered into the kitchen, except for Harry. His eyes had a cold, distant look to them- he was mulling over something and obviously, it was bothering him. I walked up to him, and gently grasped the crook of his elbow. "Harry?" I pressed.
"She would have loved to be here- to spoil that little girl of yours rotten," my godfather murmured, lips barely moving.
"Yes, she would have- and Ruth would have idolised her namesake," I agreed tenderly.
"I took a child from her, years ago…perhaps little Ruth would have filled that void."
I worried my bottom lip between my teeth as I regarded Harry; something was terribly wrong, and he did not seem capable of telling me yet. I drug him into the kitchen and shared a look with Lucas.
"Papa, come sit by me," Ruth exclaimed, her new companion quite comfortable resting in her lap.
"Of course," Harry answered.
"Everything all right?" Lucas murmured as I helped him bring the food to the table.
"I don't know," I confessed faintly. I gave him a strained smile when he pecked my lips as he brushed past me.
Emily groaned, hand on her swell, as she took a seat at the kitchen table. "Am I done yet? How did you make it so easy, Ki?"
"Easy," I repeated incredulously, "Do you not recall all the times I fell asleep or forgot what I was supposed to do throughout my day?"
"But you made it looks so…so- what is the word I am looking for?!" Emily groaned, looking to Sasha.
"Effortless?" he offered.
"Graceful?" Lucas added.
"Exhausting," Harry finished wryly.
I whacked my godfather as I walked past, which earned me a scowl from Ruth.
"Mummy," she warned, in a tone all too familiar, "We do not hit. 'Specially Papa."
Harry let out a wry chuckle as he smiled at my daughter. "Well said," he praised, which warranted a beaming smile from her.
"Karma," Emily snickered.
"You have another instant karma on the way," I retorted, and looked to Lucas, "Back me up here."
"I think our girl has it handled," Lucas dismissed gently, and carefully evaded a swing from me, "You're testy this morning."
"Hormones," I supplied.
"Ah, that excuse has reared its head once again," Harry announced solemnly, eyes twinkling.
"Enough about me," I grumbled, "Let's eat."
"What on earth are they doing?" I laughed when I heard shrieking feedback followed by Alexei hollering.
"Trying to get the radio to work," Lucas supplied.
"Muuuuum," Ruth shouted, and came barreling into the kitchen, "Alexei won't dance with me!"
"Boys don't like dancing," I sympathised, understanding her dilemma.
"But Da dances with you all the time!"
Lucas chuckled and crouched down. "You just need to convince him that he likes dancing with you, like your mum had to do for me," he explained.
An impish grin dimpled Ruth's face, and she sprinted out of the kitchen. I heard the music finally settle, and the feedback was replaced with familiar notes.
"That poor boy," I laughed softly.
Lucas wrapped an arm around my waist, and his other hand took hold of mine to hold them aloft. He swayed us slowly from side to side, and the dishes soon became forgotten.
…You were my one more chance I never thought I'd find. You were the one romance I've always known in my mind. No one could ever touch me more… I only hope that in return, I might have saved the best of me for you. And we'll have no ending, if we can hold on, and I think I've come this far because of you. Could be no other love but ours will do…
I rested my head in the crook of Lucas' shoulder, and let my eyes drift shut.
"This Michael Bublé has got me pegged," Lucas murmured lowly.
I cracked my eyes open and regarded him. "What makes you say that?" I wondered.
"That song we first danced to- the same song we kissed to…and now this song that describes exactly what you are to me…you and Ruth are the best of me. I thought being a Spook meant that I would to give that dream up, but then you refused to let me wallow away."
I looped my arms around his neck, and rose up on the balls of my feet to kiss him soundly. "You are the best of me, too," I proclaimed.
"Why is it that you two still take some getting used to when affectionate?" Harry chortled, "I have two children in the back garden announcing that it is time for cake."
"She'll spoil her appetite," I fretted.
"It's her birthday," Lucas cajoled, and went to the chill box to retrieve the cake.
I walked out into the back garden, and went about lighting the fairy lights that were woven through the nest of trees. Ruth adore these, especially when she gets to blow out her birthday candles beneath them and the stars.
"You have your father's colouring."
I spun about and regarded the man before me, my chest heaving. I had not realised how much Alexei resembled his grandfather. I back peddled until I crashed into the grand willow tree. My hand covered my flat belly instinctively. "Stay away from me!" I exclaimed, falling into Russian seamlessly.
"Kiley?!" Lucas called out, and I could hear the backdoor slam against the house.
"I am-" Ilya Gavrik began.
"Lucas! H-Harry!" I cried.
My husband came hurtling into view, and stopped short when he saw Ilya. "You," he snarled, "What the hell are you doing here, Gavrik?" He stepped between us, and reached back to place his hand on me.
"I came to meet the woman who introduced my son to his wife, and is part of the reason why he left the service. Imagine my surprise when I hear Harry Pearce is coming to the home of the same woman. You must forgive me for being intrigued," Ilya explained.
"Lucas…." I slurred, and my vision began to blur.
Lucas spun about to stand in front of me. His clammy hands clutched the sides of my head, and he bent down to bring his forehead against mine. His azure eyes blazed bright, and my vision tunneled on him. "In…out…breath, that's it- nice and slow," my husband murmured, "Keep your eyes on me."
"…chest's tight," I panted.
"I know, but you are safe with me- with Harry and Sasha- nothing is going to happen to you."
"An explanation is warranted," Harry demanded as he slowly came into the back garden, and his eyes were fixed on Ilya. He approached the man with set shoulders, and I could see his hands were clenched into fists at his sides. "How did you come by my goddaughter, Ilya?" he asked.
"Goddaughter? Anastasia is…?" Ilya remarked, looking over Harry's shoulder to look me over once more.
Lucas' larger frame hid mine, and I gripped his shirt fiercely to keep from dropping to the ground. "What do you want?" my husband repeated.
"As I explained to your…wife?" he mused with a glance to Lucas' wedding band gleaming in the light despite his clenched fist, "I am here to see the woman, whom my son holds in the highest of regards…and how fortuitous that I run into you, Harry, you've caused quite a stir from what I've heard."
"I would prefer if you would refrain from bringing that up for the time being," Harry dismissed, and turned around to look at me. "Kiley, Ilya is not here for you. It appears his curiosity got the best of him and he followed Sasha out here."
I mutely nodded my head, but kept my face buried into Lucas' back.
"Mummy?" a small voice called out, "Da, what's wrong with Mummy?"
"She got startled," Lucas soothed, and motioned for Ruth to come up to us. I felt her arms wrap around my legs, and her eyes burned into me. "Mummy's all right, Ruth," Lucas promised.
"Grandpa?" Alexei wondered as he came into view with Emily and Sasha.
"Hello, my boy," Ilya greeted, as simple as though he was actually invited to our home.
"Did Ruthie's Mum invite you?" he wondered.
Ruth's arms tightened around me when my breath hitched. By what right did he have to be here?
"Mummy doesn't want you here," my daughter announced, her eyes looking up at Ilya, "She didn't invite you here. Papa, help Mummy."
"It's time for you to leave, Ilya, this is not the time."
"And when will the correct time be then, Harry? You are a difficult man to find these days."
"Father, not now," Sasha began.
"You can Harry another time at Thames House," Lucas added, eyes coldly regarding Ilya, "This is your warning before I remove you from the property myself."
I did not fail to notice the grimace my godfather now wore at the mention of the Grid, and the gears slowly turned in my head. Something was wrong with Harry; he lived and breathed in Thames House, so what had Ilya Gavrik meant?
"May I visit tomorrow morning?" Ilya asked, dark eyes slowly moving to meet mine.
Lucas growled, but I stopped him when my hand grasped his. My heart pounded like a nervous, caged bird as I regarded the man before me. The initial fear was starting to fade due to the presence of Lucas and Harry. No harm would befall any of my family with them there. "If you think it that important," I answered slowly, and added, "Leave all weapons out of our home. We are raising Ruth away from it all."
"Very well, until tomorrow. Good night, Alexei, enjoy the party."
As silently as he had arrived, Ilya Gavrik left. I fell to my knees with a hand clapped over my mouth when my ears hummed with a ghost electrical charge. I squeezed my eyes shut to keep the flickering images out of my mind's eye and I inhaled sharply. Honeysuckle enveloped me, and small arms wrapped around me to the best of their ability.
"I love you, Mummy," Ruth murmured into my hair.
"I love you more," I replied faintly, and pulled her into my arms. Safe, safe, we are all safe. He can't and won't hurt us. We are safe. We are safe. Slowly, the fear ebbed away and I could open my eyes. My heart ached at the sight of my daughter regarding me with wet eyes. I ruined her birthday… "Do you want some cake?" I asked hopefully.
Ruth shook her head and tremulously announced, "I want you not to be scared. Did that man hurt you?"
"My grandpa wouldn't hurt anyone!" Alexei argued, but was quickly silenced by his parents.
"Papa, you have to protect my mummy," Ruth pleaded, "She won't be scared if you protect her. Please?" She reached out for Harry's hand to pull him closer to us.
"Nothing is going to happen," Harry promised, and helped me back onto my feet. "Let's get inside."
Lucas wrapped his arm around me as he guided me into the house. He held us back as everyone else continued into the living room, and waited for the kitchen to be empty, save us. His hand threaded into my hair, and he tilted my head back to kiss me urgently. I looped my arms around his neck and drew closer to him; I squeezed my eyes shut when the first tear spilled out of the corner of my eye. The tear rolled down my cheek and vanished between our lips, which caused Lucas to pull back.
"I won't let anything happen to you- or Ruth. I don't know what he's up to, but I promise he won't ever hurt you again."
"He was the one that gave the orders to my interrogators," I stammered, "How could he not know me?"
"Sh, sh, deep breaths… I can't say why he didn't remember you, but he won't ever get to you like that again."
"I ruined Ruth's birthday," I whimpered, "What kind of mother does that make me?"
"You didn't plan on doing so, Kiley, what happened just now is not your fault," Lucas soothed, and pulled me into his arms. "You are here, with me- with your family, who love you." He kissed the crown of my head, and said nothing further.
I let my eyes drift shut, and I buried my face into Lucas' shirt. I felt a prickling sensation on my calves, and I stole a peak over my shoulder. "Hello, little one, you seem to fit in quite well with our motley crew," I greeted the small bunny, and bent down to pick him up. I turned back into Lucas, and sought comfort from the two of them.
"Mummy have you seen Tickles?" Ruth called out.
"He's right here, sweetling. Why don't you go play with him and Papa?"
"Okay." Ruth gently took Tickles from me, and carefully made her way into the living room.
"What did Ilya mean by Harry was hard to find these days?" I asked when our daughter was no longer in range.
"I don't know, but something has been weighing heavily on Harry's mind," Lucas added, and his brow furrowed in thought. "But he's not a man to be forced- if he feels we need to know, we will know."
But can we trust his judgement on this? I worried my bottom lip between my teeth and said nothing. I slipped out of Lucas' arms, and went over to the cake. I placed five candles on the surface, and reached for the lighter- but Lucas beat me to it. He lit each one, and then looked down at me.
"Shall we?" he offered with a crooked grin.
"We shall," I agreed.
"Ruth, are you ready?"
I smiled at her delighted gasp, and Harry switched off the lights, and I knelt down in front of Ruth so that she could reach the candles.
"Happy birthday to you," I began, and everyone else soon joined in.
"Happy birthday to you- happy birthday, dear Ruth, happy birthday to you!"
"Make a wish, sweetling," I urged.
Ruth emphatically blew out the candles, her eyes clamped shut. She beamed at me from across the cake when she opened her eyes.
"What did you wish for?" Alexei wondered.
"I can't tell! It won't come true!" Ruth protested, "Right, Mummy?"
"Righto," I assured her, "Do you want to help me cut the cake?"
That turned out to be messy procedure, but enjoyable all the same. I leaned against the doorway as we all tucked into our respective slices. My eyes traveled over to my grandfather, who seemed more somber than ever. He carried the weight of the sky on his shoulders, and it was taking its toll on him.
I walked over to him, and perched myself on the arm of his chair. "Everything all right?" I asked softly.
"Just a lot to think about," Harry dismissed.
"What do you think Ruth wished for?"
"Knowing her, a weapon of some sort…that girl is trouble," Harry mused wryly.
"Ah yes, I won't forget when you got her a wooden sword," I chuckled, "She threatened to make us walk the plank after playing with the neighbourhood boys."
"A charmer at her age," Harry groaned, "The last thing I need to worry about is vetting those boys when they get older."
"You will be around to help Lucas with that, won't you?" I asked lowly, "I know it's not my place, but you are a part of this family, Harry. You have a place here…you know that, right?"
"So serious on such a joyous occasion?"
"Side effect of being around you," I quipped.
"Cheeky…" The light mood left Harry as swiftly as it arrived, and the corners of his mouth dipped down.
I wordlessly leaned down, and kissed his cheek. "Thank you for being here," I murmured, "It means a lot to all of us." I went over to Ruth to clean up her face, which earned me a vocal protest. "You are not a grubby, little urchin- no matter how much you wish it," I chided, and kissed her now clean face.
"Thank you for the cake, Mummy."
"Yeah, thanks!" Alexei agreed hastily after receiving a glare from his mother.
"You're welcome," I replied, and gathered up the dishes. "What do you want to do now, Ruth?"
"Can we watch Beauty and the Beast?!"
Lucas hid a grin when Alexei groaned loud and long.
"That's a girl movie!"
"I am a girl! And it's my birthday! You have to watch it since you didn't dance with me!" Ruth fired back.
"Lessoned learned, Alexei," Sasha remarked, "Best to do what the girl wants the first time around- or you end up with a worse option later."
"Don't listen to your dad, Alex, he doesn't know what he's talking about," Emily teased.
"Fine," Alexei grumbled.
"You may like it," Emily continued, "You can't say you don't like it yet- you haven't seen it."
"Fine."
"Go get settled, Da will put in the film, and I will be in in a little bit," I told Ruth. I left the dished in the sink, and slipped out the back door. I toed off my shoes, and ran my toes through the thick grass. A sigh tumbled past my lips as my head tilted back, and I closed my eyes. I reached up and gathered my hair in my hands in a jumbled mess at then nape of my neck.
Time, it was an odd thing. That part of my life seemed so far ago, and yet in the change of one moment it seemed as if it were but yesterday. I could picture the darkness, the stale air, and the dying hope that I would be taken away from that place.
"I am sorry that Gavrik showed up on my account."
"You didn't know," I dismissed, and opened my eyes to look up at the stars.
"There is something I should tell you…" Harry began slowly.
"Come, sit with me," I urged, and unceremoniously settled on the ground. My lips twitched with a smile when I saw Harry stiffly follow suite.
"There has been an unexpected development last I visited," Harry murmured.
I reached out a hand to lay it over his. "Let's not talk about this just yet…let's wait for the kids to fall asleep…shouldn't be much longer- with all the sugar they've consumed in that cake."
I leaned into my godfather, my eyes still cast to the stars. At first, Harry was tense at the contact but slowly he eased into it as well. We were there for each other; we always had been, it was our way of going on against the ever-growing odds that hardly ever seemed to be in our favour.
"Do you want a boy or a girl this time?" I wondered.
"I want you and the baby to be healthy, and for there not to be a scare as there was last time…your children should always have you beside them…" The manner he said the last part tugged at something inside me, and I felt the shame radiate off of Harry before he schooled his features.
"Just as they should have their Papa," I mused.
"They're sacked out," Emily announced, her head poking around the back door, "Sasha and I are going to pop out for a bit to catch up with some friends. Is that all right?"
"Have a great time, we have it covered here," I answered.
"Bye!"
I heard Lucas come out of the house to join us, and I turned to look at my godfather. "Do you still want to have that talk?" I asked him.
"Want to? No. Must I? As always…perhaps we should take this inside."
"Sasha and I got the kids tucked in- Tickles is looking after Ruth," Lucas assured me when I hesitated to answer.
"I will put the kettle on," I acquiesced, and the three of us went into the kitchen.
Harry walked with the weight of a man on limited time, and that nearly sent me into a panic attack. What had happened whilst we lived carefree? What price did Harry pay for the latest case?
Harry stared down at the table, and then the steaming cup of tea, seemingly incapable of knowing where to begin. He seemed to find his words when I placed my hand over his. "The reason why I brought up Will the other day was because he helped me with a rogue mission before I came to the States…
"We were tasked with transporting the CIA's most wanted terrorist to a handover point. We were caught in traffic, which turned out to be a trap to free the terrorist. The mission went south after that, and I was to blame for the failed execution of the task assigned… I had reason to believe there was a traitor in a senior position of MI-5, and the only way I could discover who was to go off the Grid.
"Will Holloway was tasked in bringing me into custody, but he was too clever- he understood what I was trying to do on my own…but even then, my plan did not go smoothly…" Harry paused to take a stiff sip of tea, and he still did not meet Lucas or my gaze.
"Erin tried to help me discover the terrorist attack on London that planned after Adem Qasim's escape, but she was compromised. When I went to make a deal with Qasim, she was there- on her knees. I was told that either I would be the one to kill her, or Qasim would ensure that she suffered before she died."
My hand retreated from Harry's to clap over my mouth as a surge of revulsion hit me. My wide eyes caught Lucas', and he had fallen into the stiff façade from his Spook days.
"She had a little girl- only a few years older than Ruth…I…I did my best to bargain her safety, but Qasim would not hear of it. In the end, I was the one to kill her…and when I did, I was ashamed to realise that I was not even capable of visiting her family to express my condolences. Will and I somehow managed to reveal the traitors, but at too high a cost. I went off the Grid again, and made plans to disappear entirely.
"They even put a team at…." Harry sighed deeply, and I saw the tremor in his lips, "They put a team on Ruth's grave- knowing that I would want to say my last good bye. I left the country, and did my best to not be tailed here. I may have failed Erin, and Section D, but I promise you that no one knows of you here…"
"Harry," I whispered tremulously, "Why not tell us sooner?"
"I have no right to bring you such grief and shame of calling me family- I have done enough damage to last too many lifetimes. This is the last time I will visit, I cannot put you and your family at risk, Kiley. I failed you once in that regard, but I refuse to let it happen again."
"Enough," Lucas growled, eyes flashing, "Enough of that, Harry. You are part of this family- Ruth needs you, just as much as Kiley does. How are we to explain your disappearance? Ruth would be devastated."
"I am a liability to your family, Lucas, you should remember what means they would use to learn my whereabouts should they discover you here," Harry scoffed, and set his jaw, but refused to lift his eyes to meet Lucas'.
"Do you expect me to lie to my children?" Lucas demanded, "Kiley and I broke away from the secrets and the lies- I refuse to drag my family back into that kind of hell."
I slid out of my chair to kneel at my godfather's side. I placed my hand in the crook of his elbow, and silently begged him to meet my gaze. "I don't have my Da, and my mother walked away a long time ago, and then we lost Ruth…you are all I have left to call family, Harry. You took me in and gave me a home. What would you have me say to Ruth about where her Papa is?" I demanded, voice faint but not lacking in verve. "What lie would you have us tell?"
Harry pried himself away, and left without saying a word.
I burst into tears, and Lucas silently took me into his arms. "He can't leave, Lucas," I whimpered, "I can't bear the thought of him being gone, too."
"Give it time, we will find a way," he soothed, and ran his hand up and down my back. He pressed clammy kisses on my brow, and I could feel the gears turning in his mind. "Harry is the best, he can find a way if we don't."
"But he seems resigned to leaving us all for good…I can't bring myself to telling Ruth her Papa won't be coming back ever."
"We need time," Lucas continued, thinking aloud, "The guilt is getting the best of Harry, as it did me, we just need to time to remind him that he has a life and a family here. Come upstairs, Kiley, you must be exhausted."
But my legs would not move, they could not move. I stubbornly shook my head and held onto Lucas tighter. I could not go through that kind of hell again; Lucas and I struggled to build a life for ourselves away from it all- if Harry disappeared, for good, then there would be no turning away from it all.
"Nothing is going to happen, Kiley," Lucas promised in his Spook voice, "To you, to Ruth, or to Harry."
You are strong like your father, and now you need to be strong for Harry. Take a deep breath for me, Kiley.
I breathed deeply, and felt some of the tension in my chest ease as I exhaled. "Okay," I murmured.
"Let's go check in one the kids," Lucas encouraged.
The only light on in the house was the front hallway's, which cast a dim lighting over the rest of the main floor. We made our way up the stairs, arms around each other, and Lucas' other hand came up to rest on my stomach.
"I wish today had been perfect…telling you I'm pregnant- Ruthie's birthday- none of it mattered after the chaos of tonight…" I apologised.
"It wasn't ideal, yes, but we have those two wonderful things to remember about today. Our family is going to grow, and our daughter is healthy and knows she is loved," Lucas dismissed, and softly opened Ruth's door.
Tickle raised his head to regard us; he was wrapped around Ruth's head- ensconced by her mass of dark curls. I smiled fondly at the sight, remembering when there was a time that I was in an identical situation as my daughter. Ruth slept on, oblivious to the observation of her parents or the movement of her soon-to-be faithful companion. I crept into the room and gently sat on the edge of the bed. I brushed away the tendrils that lay across Ruth's face, and smiled when she sighed in her sleep. It still rendered my speechless that Lucas and I had made another person, one that was courageous and kind.
"I love you," I whispered, and faintly kissed her brow.
Ruth shifted in her sleep, and her hand came above her head to rest on Tickles. The bunny jerked slightly, but settled and rested his head against Ruth's.
"Come to bed, Kiley," Lucas called out softly.
I rose to my feet and took my husband by the hand, and we went to our bedroom. I peeled away my clothes, and ran a brush through my hair. I pulled it back into a braid, changed into linen pyjamas, and settled against Lucas' waiting frame.
"Everything will work out," he promised, and kissed me.
Every part of me wanted to believe it.
We, adults, were clustered together within the kitchen, sipping our respective cups of tea or coffee when a knock sounded on the door. Lucas' eyes met mine, and he rose to his feet to answer the door.
"I will go get Harry," Sasha announced, and went upstairs to retrieve my godfather.
"Good morning, thank you for inviting me to your home," Ilya greeted, and stood at the end of the table.
"Please, have a seat. Can I get you a cup of tea? Coffee?"
"Coffee, thank you," Ilya replied, and took a seat at the kitchen table with all of us.
I sighed a silent prayer when I heard two sets of feet coming down the stairs. Harry and Sasha came into the kitchen, and my godfather briefly met my gaze.
Thank you…
My godfather bowed his head in acknowledgement, and his jaw tensed when he saw that Ilya was already at the table.
"Father-" Ilya began.
"-Why are you here, Gavrik?" Harry demanded.
"Harry," Ilya began, his deep voice filled the room, "You have been given a chance. Let me help you."
"And why would you help me?" my godfather scoffed.
Ilya's dark eyes looked over to Sasha, who was sitting stiffly next to Emily.
"Because of what my family has done to yours. I can never repay the debt I owe, but I can prevent further heartbreak from befalling it."
Lucas regarded Ilya with surprise, and I frowned when my godfather's face turned thunderous. I reached across the table to clasp his hands, and Harry flinched.
"Harry, let me help you," Ilya repeated.
Harry jerked to his feet, and made to leave.
"Papa?"
My eyes snapped to the doorway and my heart sunk when I saw Ruth standing there. Tickles was dutifully in her arms, and she was taking in the scene with large eyes. "Why is that man here?" she wondered, "Papa, what's going on?" Her tremulous voice made my throat tighten, and my attention once again turned to my godfather. "Papa?" she repeated.
Harry rubbed a hand over his face, and he slowly walked over to my daughter. "This man is here to help me," he explained softly.
"Are you in trouble?" Ruth asked, blue eyes even more wide.
"In a way, yes, but this man is Alexei's grandfather and he said he wants to help me."
"Why are you in trouble?" Ruth demanded.
"It's complicated, but if Gavrik helps me, then I won't have to go away."
Ruth peered around Harry to critique Ilya. The latter did his best to soften his demeanor, and my daughter did not seem impressed. "You are here to help Papa?" she asked slowly.
Lucas hid his grin behind his hand, and all our attention turned to Ilya once more.
"Yes, I will do everything to make sure that your papa does not have to disappear."
Ruth stared long and hard at the man, and then she sprinted towards him. Ilya staggered when she collided with his legs as she embraced him fiercely. "Thank you," she whispered, her voice muffled by the fabric.
In that moment, the man that had taken me away from my family years ago was the one who would do everything to keep the one I now had safe.
Ilya Gavrik had come full circle.
Fin.